Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I know @Daisysunset 🤣 I’m feeling like a teenager

GoldenMirror

i don’t think liking someone is being an idiot
and the excited period is FUN

be kind to yourself !
yeah it might not work out
but we have to have hope

ButterflyOfShay

far too messy ! I’m sorry for ranting about this for
months now
we live and learn x

Daisysunset

yeah if he is putting his washing first
enough !
and I know that feeling 100%

I do think if you go into tinder you are going to have to have an idea of boundaries moving forward
easy to say
less easy to do

Goons is a word specifically invented to cover off 85% of the men on Tinder 😬

I think that’s a good call @Daisysunset - no reason why you can’t be quietly putting yourself and what you’re looking for first.

I would hold onto your “me vs the laundry” realisation - he absolutely should be wanting to see you after a couple of weeks away. Do you live far from each other?

You’re not an idiot you’re carefree and living your best life 😬 And you’re meeting him fairly early on which as we all know is highly sensible!

This is all good though isn’t it… progress.?

Don’t apologise no judgement here whatsoever! 💗 I’m exactly the sane as you.. as long as you’re ok that’s the main thing! Does sound like you’re seeing things differently now… you sound stronger so Im glad to hear that 💛💛

Yeah exactly and anyway isn’t that what we all want.. a buzz and some excitement a as nd to feel alive!!
Then you actually meet them 😅😅
haha ignore me 😁

@LuckyLinda3 I think the way you split from your guy was very similar to my split from Mr K.
You tried to raise something you were unhappy with, he dismissed it and you ended things.
Mr K and I were the same except he suggested we end it and I agreed.

I don't think your guy was meeting your needs but because sometimes it was fun you went along with it. The not doing things as a couple, just going to the pub to hang out with his friends and colleagues showed a lack of regard for you.

I think you were together just over a year, no matter how long it was it hurts like hell. All the hopes you had for the future gone,the hopes if what you and him could have enjoyed gone.

Take your time. Embrace self care/love and put yourself first. Live your best life.

💞💞

Aw @SortingItOut thank you. Yes that's about it. A few friends have messaged over wk end to say I was wrong to not message him happy birthday on weds past and I feel a bit s@#t now. Maybe they are right and maybe I should have. It just didnt feel right then, we had just broken up and I'm sure we were both hurting. This is not easy.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes, I will hold on to the washing v me issue. We live an hour apart, we used to see each other one evening a week but that's slipped. So it'll be next weekend. Not that I'm really feeling it anymore. Which is sad, but good.

In Mr U and the FBG it mentions us accepting less and less over time, so our expectations are lowered and he thinks that we've put up with that and we're still there, so he might offer a little less next time and see if we're still there. And if it seems we don't want that, then he'll ramp it up a little, we'll be so grateful he's paying us attention that we won't realised it's only gone back to a low level. Not really explained that very well, but it's really opened my eyes to how my relationships has deteriorated in the past. So much thanks to @SortingItOut for the recommendation.

I do think I can put boundaries in place now @Thisisworsethananticpated, maybe not as quickly or as firmly as I'd like to but at least there's an awareness of the signs. Rather than thinking it's them, I know I need to think that it's me that puts the boundaries in place.

Obviously when it comes to it I might slip back to me usual weak self, but this thread is so full of support I know I'll get the best advice here.

@LuckyLinda3 Why would you have messaged him Happy Birthday?
You split and didn't agree to stay friends.
If it had been Mr K's birthday just after we split I wouldn't have wished him a happy birthday.

Your guy could have reached out at any point to you and he hasn't.

The relationship wasn't working and you reached the end of your tether, you hoped he would admit he could do better and would change but he didn't so you had no other option.

You’re not weak at all @Daisysunset - if you are, then we all are. It’s very difficult I think if we have for whatever reason grown up thinking we have to somehow earn love from a partner.

Totally get the ever-reducing “being satisfied by breadcrumbs” thing. I held into the one emotional thing my ex said to me (on NYE, while he was probably a bit wasted) as evidence that it was worth holding onto him for ages afterwards.

I didn’t used to think we could change these patterns, but I do now think it’s possible. This thread is very helpful for that.. you sort of wake up to yourself and you can’t “unknow” what you know when it comes to these realisations re emotional unavailability.

I agree with @SortingItOut, @LuckyLinda3 - well-meaning friends can be quite unhelpful sometimes I think!

I had a message from Mr Train this morning, it was a sexual one so I ignored it after opening it, just sat in the garden on Mumsnet and reading (Verity by Colleen Hoover, anyone else read it?).

For the first time in absolutely ages, he has now double texted, asking what I'm doing today. No doubt expecting me to say nothing so he can throw a few crumbs my way and I'll be grateful for them. Because that's always worked before.

Sorry sunshine - my plans don't revolve around you anymore.

Well meeting and subsequent daily texting with MrArt has certainly flicked the on switch of my libido which is assumed was in a permanent off position.

Date #2 lined up for next weekend but I'm already overthinking and fretting about possible (likely) bedroom antics beyond that. What if we aren't (ahem) compatible, what if I don't fancy him as much as he does me, what if I take my clothes off and he gets the instant ick.

I know I just have to trust the process and see how it pans out but annoying when you've seen enough to think what a really really great bloke and we clearly have loads in common and same sense of humour/goals/outlook.
Maybe these fundamentals mean the bedroom antics are more likely to be the icing on the cake not the thing that makes it all fall apart?

I know no one can say and there's only one way to find out but I'm ridiculously nervous and filled with trepidation which was never there during my original post-sexless marriage wanton promiscuous dating phase. I need to summon that inner wanton woman again somehow.

That's a strong post @Daisysunset just keep holding on to the laundry came first fact. You deserve way better than breadcrumbs and explicit ms whenever he fancies it. Book sounds good. I've not heard of it.

@SortingItOut exactly, you put it so well there. I'm really hoping I make good progress this week.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs cant they just! I appreciate advice and will listen to all opinions but I dont want to accept less than I deserve.

LuckyLinda3

screw your mates 😁
they maybe mean well but as sorting said
what would you say
‘happy birthday’
thats a nothing message

Daisysunset

yes he’s horny
clearly very horny
hence chasing you for a fuck

lovely hey

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes unfortunately exdh is overseas , unfortuaate in the sense that I cannot easily facilitate a ' break' away from the kids without meticulous planning and great expense ( Mine).
But fortunate as he is a total wazzock, and, the further away form me the better!

Oh Bank Hols are hateful, as a single parent, urgh, have just agreed to an afternoon at a waterpark with ds 1 and 2...

So date wise, have a ' coffee date' lined up tomorrow with Mr Writer. Good feeling about this one. Although he is nearly 20 years older!

😂 great analogy!

Money very WELL paid. Going incognito is the safest option. Well done you. Look around and see what’s up. It will help you to remove full investment on Mr Train