Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

100%, put me in a work environment and I can take anyone on, in my personal life I roll over and take anything! We just haven't really been in the situation face to face where it's seemed right to bring it up, and I don't want to do it over text as I want to gauge his reaction and body language etc

@ButterflyOfShay do you think this implies I won't get the answer I'm looking for and he's quite happy with how things are and just see this as a FWB situation? Or is this a classic case of me overthinking?!

💜💜

@ButterflyOfShay Thanks for checking in, I'm doing ok.
Most of the time I don't even think about Mr K, but then something will make me think of him.
I was in the next village to him the other day to use the Post Office and was fine until my daughter asked 'what if we see Mr K', I then started panicking and feeling sick 😔

I'll keep on making my life the best it can be, embracing my feelings (good and bad) and see where it takes me.

Going out for yoga, mindfulness and a dip in the sea just makes me feel amazing so it's something I will continue with.

Good to see you've been keeping busy socially. I think seeing friends and getting out of the house helps build your life into being the best it can be💗

SortingItOut

for what it’s worth I think your doing amazingly

all the ‘textbook’ things actually work
the critical is you don’t think about him all the tome
but the healthy living and focus onwards is clearly doing wonders
and yes there will be bad days

im impressed

katmunchkin

I’d say people generally have exclusivity chats before or after intimacy

the problem is it’s hard to tell if they are a keeper without intimacy and knowing how that gels

this is a rather sex focussed view I know !

ButterflyOfShay

how’s the drinking going ?
I’ve been doing great in terms of seeing friends and keeping social
badly in terms of drinking my as all my friends love a drink
generation X caners 🙈

@katmunchkin do you ever talk about how you feel about each other? I recently had “the chat” with my iron and specifically wanted to address the exclusivity issue (although in my case and slightly to his surprise it was more to assess his appetite for non-exclusivity).

If it’s important to you to have this conversation before you sleep with him can you mention it in the context of wanting to take things further in that way but it would help you to talk about how you feel about each other first.? Ultimately you say you don’t want the intimacy before the conversation but also don’t want the conversation in case you don’t like the answer - one part of you is going to have to concede and admit defeat… either the sex-wanting part or the rejection-fearing one!

@SortingItOut glad you’re feeling mostly better. Sea swimming got me through lockdown and at least one breakup… I love it. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things - have you also spoken to your therapist about MrK? It sounds as though there’s a tightly coiled intense ball of feeling stuffed down in there somehow about him. Which is completely understandable as it was such a long relationship.

@Daisysunset I agree with you re the differential in terms of women working on themselves, angsting about their attachment style and their role in things, getting therapy and trying to work through their issues - as compared to many men who just blindly move from one to the next and not “doing the work”.

It’s upsetting to read of how you feel MrTrain regards you. What is his relationship history? It is very likely to be absolutely nothing to do with you, the way that he is. I read a line in a book last year about an old Ukrainian (I think) folk saying which is don’t go asking your neighbour if you can borrow their tractor, if they don’t own a tractor 😬🧐 And yet we do this all the time in relationships and get very upset and think we’re not good enough of the man we want love or emotional connection from is not able to give it to us.

It helped me recently to ask my ex iron MrM when he’d last told any woman he was in love with them. He admitted he never has. Ever. And I spent a few months bashing myself around a bit because of his hot/cold all or nothing behaviour towards me. The reality is he has no fucking tractor to give in the first place. It’s not going to be you. It’s not that you’re not enough.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs very interesting point. People cant give what they dont have. I've been thinking that about my own situation. Also been thinking was he sugar coating stuff he said to me as he told me some really lovely things now nothing. That said I dont think he was love bombing either as we had a very very slow start and he was patient with me for months. Aw I dont know, probably best not to even try to work it out. Now wheres that man with a tractor??? 😁

Just checking in to say my date is tonight
I really enjoy the messages with him - so effortless and nice and pleasant
It’s my first date in a long time so I’m excited - it’s always the way isn’t it! Maybe I’ll come crashing back down to Earth when I meet him 😂 Wish me luck!

Datingadvice Good luck, I hope it's everything that you want it to be

LuckyLinda It's so hard not to try & 'Work out all of the reasons why/all the what ifs' etc isn't it. It's like we enjoy tormenting ourselves!

How are you feeling?

@LuckyLinda3 i think it’s good to think the best of people unless evidence indicates otherwise.. I’m sure he meant what he said at the time. Also re his not being in contact now - he may think this is the best for you both even if it’s really hard and/or painful. After a while of no contact with MrM, which I found really hurtful as we’d ended after our first argument and it was just a horrible and uncharacteristic conversation , I made contact and he fell over himself to reciprocate and open the conversation - however it was clear that it was the right thing we stay not together and that’s even more evident to me now, despite our continued friendship.

Can you tell yourself that after a certain period of time, if neither of you have been in touch, that you’ll reach out if only to close things off neatly? Telling myself that made the no contact easier. No contact doesn’t mean it’s not painful for both parties.

@NervesOfCotton I'm really missing him now. I think I'm just imagining him at the party last night living his best life and thinking if I meant all these things to him why hasn't he been in contact but as @ibelieveinmirrorballs says no contact may be the best thing, isint necessarily easy for either of us and that maybe in time I will see it just wasnt right. I am clear that I needed more than I was getting so maybe he didnt own that tractor after all!

LuckyLinda Aww it's so difficult isn't it. Sending you big hugs... You needed & deserved more but it doesn't help much right now does it. Give yourself time, it's still raw, all the 'We should of been together at this event' kind of things make it harder don't they, but, with time, they will be less too

So fb has outed my forthcoming Wednesday date as a cheat!

People you might know came up and he's there holding onto a woman. Clicked her profile and sure enough her pic is the happy couple too. She updated it 5 days ago with People commenting "lovely couple" "you look so happy" - poor sod

@ibelieveinmirrorballs He's had a couple of LTR but both ended in the other person cheating, so I can see why he has his guard up. The last one ended pre Covid so he's had a few years to work out what he wants and, looking at it realistically, I can see he just wants his physical needs met with someone he likes and exclusivity. I don't think he has a tractor. Or if he has, it's very well hidden.

I've downloaded Tinder. I am concerned this is the wrong thing to do as we are supposed to be in a relationship, but it's clearly a casual one from his perspective. His actions and words both show this. I thought that maybe if I can get a few irons to talk to then maybe I can distance myself from Mr Train quicker.

Good luck @Datingadvice , where are you meeting?

And you are doing so well @SortingItOut , you seem so strong. I'm sure you have your weak moments as you and Mr K were together for a long time, but you are filling your life with other things to think about, bringing new dimensions to your life whilst distracting you from sad thoughts.

I can’t stop thinking about MrO. But yes, sexually it has to work for us to have any chat. I would go exclusive the moment I get to know what’s happening. I will know next weekend

well done you Sorting…you are an inspiration

Daisysunset thanks! A fancy cocktail bar. My excitement was short lived. I’m in an introverted mood today, not my usual self, so I’m worried about conversation 😂 to be honest right now I’d prefer to stay home, watch TV and get snacks!

Thank you NervesOfCotton 😁

Thank you @NervesOfCotton x

@Slothmomma that's pretty shit but great that you've found out now. Just delete and block or let the happy couple know that you've seen their photo too...?!

@SortingItOut it's so true that health living and the company of friends can get you through so much 💜

@BelladiMamma I'm not sure what to do. Would I want to know - yes but not everyone is same. Think ill wait for him to firm up plans and then reply that I'm not sure "his partners name" would approve but I'm checking - and then block so that he suits himself wondering whether I've gone through with it