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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

1000 replies

SortingItOut · 21/08/2022 06:21

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
20
Daisysunset · 25/08/2022 07:43

Good luck on the coffee date this morning @GoldenMirror

I've broken up with people in the past @LuckyLinda3 and friends have been convinced they're going to get in touch, but you just know they won't, don't you? Not that we want them to! But I find friends who are coupled up have no idea of the harsh realities of dating now, and they're expectations of how people should behave are a million miles away from how they do.

And yes @ibelieveinmirrorballs @Thisisworsethananticpated - it all seems so obvious when you say it; why on earth would Mr Train want an open relationship when he's got me just where he he wants me 🤔

Food for thought about the intimacy/exclusivity too, and the pressures we put in others as well as ourselves. Though the pressure on Mr Train is probably no heavier than a Pringle...

Daisysunset · 25/08/2022 07:44

*their - grrr, hate it when I do that 😡

SortingItOut · 25/08/2022 07:52

Be Happy💞

Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First
OP posts:
ButterflyOfShay · 25/08/2022 07:58

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2022 21:46

Daisysunset

sorry I had to giggle when you said that he’s not open for an open relationship

yeah . Funny that 😂
does he need to know

My thoughts too!!

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 25/08/2022 08:03

@Daisysunset oh yes… I’m not saying they feel the pressure - it’s pressure we can create for ourselves - idealising and then being disappointed when they’re not “perfect” and yet again it fails to live up to the expectation we’ve created (on the basis of very little).

ButterflyOfShay · 25/08/2022 08:04

@Daisysunset I hear you on coupled up friends having no idea about how it is out there. One of my lovely married friends said that all men are looking for love deep down!

@LuckyLinda3 well done for not making contact. He doesn’t deserve it after his bad behaviour towards you. Hope you can take his present back and get a refund and spend it on yourself!!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 08:17

LuckyLinda3

well done . I’m 100% sure you will speak again
but what you have done is sent a firm message around boundaries and not rushed in to ‘please him’

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 08:17

ButterflyOfShay

your married friend is wrong !!!!
let’s just leave it there !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 08:24

Daisysunset

i have the same challenges as you and mirror

I’ve realised that this summer and year I’ve been having major family challenges and totally wanted my FWB to swoop in and save me

exactly why my brain thinks that when we are just fucking I have NO idea

as the people that will and do look after me are
my friends

also as the summer ends ( finally !) the jury is still out on what I want moving forward

but what I DONT want is stress because my messed up little brain gets obsessed and limerence

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 25/08/2022 08:43

Good morning dear Dating Thread posters.

Hello @SortingItOut for setting up this thread and others who were around when I was last active in this world around two years ago.

I deleted the apps, got a dog, started a Masters degree, sold my house downsized/ relocated, parented a couple of suicidal teens and helped a third leave home 🍾🥂.

Had no thoughts of ever dating again. Gave me a major 🤢to think of all the dire blokes I'd found myself entangled and naked with in my wanton 2 year heyday.

Then I couldn't sleep one night late June and felt sad and lonely - it was the day my XH announced his engagement to the OW (bless him he broadcast it out on socials before even mentioning to his kids and when he did it was by text - once a nobhead always a nobhead).

Anyhoo. Eleventymillion left swipes and a single right swipe saw me being penfriends over the summer with an interesting sounding one. I told him I'd not entertain the idea of writing to someone before we met but nevertheless we shared humour, pics and coincidences once or twice a week while he was away.

He returned to my area this week and we met up. It was a great first date. He bought dinner (paid while I was in the loo) lots to chat about very easy company, stayed drinking cocktails for about 4 hours. He's urgent for another date, really likes me and fancies me a lot so he tells me.

I've said (haven't mentioned how I've learnt this with all the shaggy lovebombers of the past) I'll be wanting to take things slowwwly.

I'm a bit confused as get turned off (like a loser) by people who like me and find me attractive (ffs) plus he's not super-model jaw droppingly gwargeous (again my toxic trait is to go for these types) but tall, slender, pleasant face and asks questions, has interesting stories, appears to be well balanced with kids the same age as mine.

There was a fair bit of hand holding, arms round waists and (shy awkward - me) kissing at the end
Then immediate thanks for a great evening mutual floatiness and blimey what just happened texts.

Mainly just logging this here as wasn't part of my game plan to get involved with someone until I'd finished the masters (as an arbitrary date for no reason). This guy seems very eligible and ticks the boxes I would have. And it is quite boring being a single parent with no close mates nearby (left them behind when I moved house)

I definitely do want to see him for Date #2 and thanks to this thread I know that's all I need to ask right now. Already getting a bit stressed about the probably inevitable sleeping together. Not sure why I'm the most body confident I've ever been. More what if we're not compatible or it's a disappointment as others have been.
Can't do anything other than trust the process of discovering if we are a good match in all ways and if we're not c'est la vie.

As an iron I'm not sure what to call him. MrArt I guess. Or MrDorset, MrTall...

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 09:05

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

your date sounds lovely 😊

and even better and well done for staying sane (ish) whilst parenting TWO suicidal teens

im on my knees with just ONE x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 09:09

Mila14

the only one you need to be careful about is Mr Ex
he needs to insulate you and not stress you 😊

remind me if O chemistry is widower ?
does he have kids

as yeah he will be pensive and that’s not a bad thing

GoldenMirror · 25/08/2022 09:10

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss that sounds really lovely 😊

I’m new here and trying to get all the posters sorted in my head - it’s a very helpful thread!

I bought Love, Care, Trust and Respect by Natalie Lue thanks to her being recommended on here: my new bible!

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 25/08/2022 09:17

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
did you date me by any chance ?

“Tall, Slender, not super-model jaw droppingly gwargeous”,

sounds like me 😂😂,

LuckyLinda3 · 25/08/2022 09:27

@Mila14 @ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks ladies. I've definitely become stronger emotionally and its great. @Daisysunset you're right things have changed drastically dating wise these days. @ButterflyOfShay I might just treat myself! @Thisisworsethananticpated I'm not sure about contact, what makes you think he will? For now I'm glad I feeling strong enough to not make contact.

MTWTF41 · 25/08/2022 09:49

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss date sounds fab! Very much like mine a few days ago!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs he asked me for. 2nd date last night so all good so far!

Mila14 · 25/08/2022 11:33

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 09:09

Mila14

the only one you need to be careful about is Mr Ex
he needs to insulate you and not stress you 😊

remind me if O chemistry is widower ?
does he have kids

as yeah he will be pensive and that’s not a bad thing

Hi Worsy, Mr O is super chemistry and also he’s the widower. I think I said he always answers all my messages immediately but never initiates?? he has kids but grown up and gone now. I still feel he needs to date around although he has proposed a day for a second date. I’m thinking of this guy a lot a lot. The moment I saw him I thought OMG. He’s really amazing so I really don’t know whether I have a realistic chance. I feel I need to remove myself a bit because this guy I can fall deeply in love with and I know this.
I just don’t feel like looking at other guys to be honest but I still don’t feel ready to let go of Mr A so I keep chatting with him. he would have been ideal for me if I hadn’t gone and met Mr O.
How weird is all this dating thing…
I hear you about Mr Ex but I think now it feels like more friendzone than anything. At least from my side. He has a lot going on but yes I now believe him when he says he loves me always. I trust him in other stuff though and never will. It’s nice to go out for a lovely meal and have someone in front who always wants you.

Mila14 · 25/08/2022 11:39

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss …fabulous stuff re Mr Dorset or Mr Tall or Mr Art 😂😂😂. I’m a sucker for gorgeous men …I think eventually I will have to settle or resign myself not to. I can’t believe your ex husband has NOT told kids first about engagement…absolute NOBHEAD…however, I kind of expect my ex husband to do exactly the same when the time comes!!!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 25/08/2022 11:41

Off to look that book @GoldenMirror sounds like a good title.

Mila14 · 25/08/2022 11:42

GoldenMirror · 25/08/2022 09:10

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss that sounds really lovely 😊

I’m new here and trying to get all the posters sorted in my head - it’s a very helpful thread!

I bought Love, Care, Trust and Respect by Natalie Lue thanks to her being recommended on here: my new bible!

I will check the book too. I have found she has a podcast too so I will be listening 😝

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 25/08/2022 11:45

Thanks @Mila14 it's deffo a toxic trait to go for the ultra gorgeous ones. My studies have shown they are more likely to reveal themselves as nobheads or selfish in bed. Or both.

Using this reboot to trial dating actually decent men (well not showing signs of not being yet - one date in so probably way too soon to call it)

Thanks for solidarity re XH broadcast out to his fans but only texting his kids. Worse than that he chose a time when one teen had a trashed phone so they found out from their sibling - the one who has only met his lucky new ladylove once when trashed (the ladylove not the teen), couldn't stand her so never went to her dad's again.
Way to go nobhead on how to sensitively communicate big news to anxious mentally ill offspring.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 25/08/2022 11:47

Really hope it all wasn't you @HowlongWillThisTakeNow that would be awkward. Using this as a safe confidential space!

Mila14 · 25/08/2022 12:24

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
Worse than that he chose a time when one teen had a trashed phone so they found out from their sibling - the one who has only met his lucky new ladylove once when trashed (the ladylove not the teen), couldn't stand her so never went to her dad's again.

Way to go nobhead on how to sensitively communicate big news to anxious mentally ill offspring.

complete imbecile…he will regret it in the future. Kids will have to forgive but they may not forget

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2022 12:54

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

for what it’s worth I’m in a support group for mental health and kids

whilst doing it alone is BRUTAL

i see more posts from people (women) who’s other half actually does more harm than good

maybe because they can’t cope
maybe because they don’t engage with
mh issue for gender issues ?
maybe because they try , but have a less soft style

either way I’ve realised mine might be better with
me alone leading it

and still
total wanker twat arsehole bellend

Mila14 · 25/08/2022 14:12

and still

total wanker twat arsehole bellend

😂😂😂😂😝

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