AIBU or my boyfriend

[galaxymilkshake]

Hello,

Had a slight disagreement with my boyfriend.
To begin, my boyfriend is awaiting his papers from immigrations (going on for about two years now- his parents did not sort out his immigrations papers when he was younger) so he cannot work, or essentially do anything, he is staying at a shared flat and is getting a small allowance (100-200) per month and some help from a scheme.Because of this I have been helping him out financially little by little. Now of course he wants to see my regularly, but often when we go out, I know I'm going to be the one paying for almost everything and then I feel bad because I get him toiletries, food etc. So We generally see each other once a month, around my payday, as I work part time and I'm a part time carer to my mum. He also suggests things like going to the park... but I sometimes say no as you will read below.

So of course, sex is off limits at the moment. He cannot come and stay over at my house and my mum really does not like him and they do not get on. I cannot stay over at my boyfriends house because he is in a government paid shared flat and he is not allowed to bring visitors. So every month, we book a hotel and spend the day today. But of course, I pay for everything and it's eating up my salary.

So two months ago, myself and bf stayed at the hotel. This time, he paid about half of the hotel and I bought food etc. So bf has been very stressed lately, he tried to commit suicide the day before and didn't like the was I was treating him. Unfortunately, on that day, I came on my period and he became upset, saying that it was a waste of time and that I should give him the £40.00 that he paid for the hotel. I said "no because, I paid for the majority of the funds for the hotel (UK hotels are getting very expensive) plus food (which he didn't eat and there in the bin) and that I never ask him to pay just this time as money is tight'. BF got very angry and said 'Well get out and book yourself a taxi, this always happens your always on your period.". He then was threatening me saying that I should give him the money back or else. Not wanting him to get angry, I transferred him the £40.00- telling him that I am struggling financially as I'm supporting my mother, as well as taking her to various private therapies which i also partially fund from my wages.

Anyway, not wanting to get into an argument, I just went to bed and pretended that I was I'll so he doesn't get angry. Then all of a sudden, I just hear him shouting at me at 3am in the morning!! I got up and said "Bf why are you shouting?", he was telling me that he de didn't like the way I was treating him, he was getting angry. Then when I told him to stop and that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. He began to kick my back very hard on multiple occasions and I fell off the bed, he then came very close to me, with his hands clenched, looking very angry, and wanting me to admit all the things that I've done and how it's my fault. If I dared talked back, I know he would have hit me. Anyway, I managed to call him down and we both went to bed. I didn't sleep at all because of what happened. When 6am came, I immediately told Bf that I had to go because I need to go to work- which was true but also because I wanted to get out of there ASAP. He was being such a mood, he was insulting my dress /sense, saying that I did not look nice for our date night and that if I ever wear what I was wearing again he wouldn't want to hang out with me. He then dropped him off home and he was being such a bitch, shouting at me because I suggested the wrong direction to getting home, telling me that I had no common sense, people were looking at us- it was just a bad day.

When I got home, I just cried, he apologised but I told him that I wanted space and we haven't really been speaking for about a month ago.

Anyway, present day, we have been speaking on and off and things are getting back to normal. But currently, as he is so stressed because of immigration, he wants to have sex (I have known him for a long time, but when he feels sad/stressed it's like he uses my body as a stress reliever- he doesn't admit it but it's true and god for it if I deny him sex, he just gets angry). So anyway, he has been initiating that he wants sex (we haven't done it in a while). I then told him that I would be happy to see him, go somewhere, take a walk, but right now I don't feel safe to book a hotel and spend the night with him because of what happened the last time. Well you know what happened? He became very angry, saying I'm cheating on him that I should admit it to him, that I'm making up excuses, that his giving me a month and then watch, he would be in "full rage and no one can't say anything".

AIBU? I know it's been a while that we haven't had sex but I just don't feel comfortable to be in his company at present and want to wait a while. What should I do?

Get a new phone number, don't give it to him. Block him on everything. Speak to Women's Aid. Do the freedom program.

You're the only one that can break this cycle and get out of this situation - unfortunately, as PP said, it doesn't seem like you want to.

unfortunately, as PP said, it doesn't seem like you want to.

I'm inclined to agree with you.

I don't understand this cycle of asking for advice then ignoring it then asking for the same advice and getting the same replies, and still ignoring it. It doen't make sense.

It is incredibly common with victims of domestic abuse. She will get some take-away with each thread, so it is important to keep reassuring her that leaving is the right thing and pointing out where to get help. Snarky judgement never helped anyone.

I'm so shocked reading your descriptions of him and your relationship. You deserve so much better.

Please believe me (and all the other posters) - this is not a relationship. He is not your boyfriend. He does not respect you. Because you were young when you got together, you've grown to believe this is a 'normal' way of living, and it really isn't.

This is a 'normal', healthy relationship: 2 people who love each other equally, respect each other equally, support each other equally, they are NEVER, EVER aggressive or violent. They never manipulate or guilt-trip each other. They each know they are responsible for their own happiness and wellbeing. They each pull their weight equally.

This man didn't want to see you if you couldn't have sex? He demanded money back for a hotel room, even though you pay for most hotel stays and much of his life? He kicked you????!!! Why are you with a man who kicks you? That alone is a reason to leave him, without hesitation.

Why do you feel resonsible for a grown man? A man who could sort out his own immigration status? A man who could seek help from a charity or government agency? A man who has his own family? You weren't responsible for him when you were his 'gf' - you certainly aren't once you've decided to leave him. Do you think he worries about you? Does he feel responsible for you?

Please please please accept that this is not a real relationship. He is using you. You deserve so much better than he is willing to give you. You need to stop talking to him and to spend some time caring for yourself and rebuilding the self confidence he has torn apart. You will then be available, should you want it, for a mature and equal relationship with a man who values you and cares for you as much as you care for him.

Take care, and keep talking here. You can do this.

^is ignoring anything except questions about the logistics of meeting up and refuses to actually seek help. Either we’re feeding a troll or we’re feeding the desperation of a very damaged person who doesn’t want to get better.
It’s one thing to be in an abusive relationship and recognise it but be unable to act for myriad reasons. This is something else entirely.^

As a PP said, abuse is partly psychological and abusers mess with someone's head, so the manipulation, guilt tripping, and attack on the victim's self concept make it part of why it's hard to cut ties entirely.

@galaxymilkshake Is doing really well. Despite him manipulating her into thinking it's wrong not to do everything he wants, she didn't meet up with him. That's excellent. She hasn't seen him for a while.

Stay strong, Galaxy, and do everything PP's have suggested to help you cut ties with him safely.

OP says she is late 20s and has been with this guy for 12 years, so basically all her adult life. However awful we (and she) think he is, I imagine it takes a lot of mental processing to disengage from such a long relationship and for her to see herself without him and him without her, so I don't know why posters are expecting her to change her life so quickly.

But he will always blame you because that’s what abusers do. Maybe once he’s threatened you or kicked you again or laid his hands on you a few more times then you might just realise it’s abuse.
i have been through all this before myself. Tells me to go away and only see him when I was on my period, multiple kicks, slaps, threats, blaming me for stuff he did! Sponging money off you. How do you know what he says about his immigration status is true? Why has this not been sorted after all this time? He could just be saying all this so you continue to pay for him and he will happily let you. That is not the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
Honestly I cannot believe what I’m reading.

Really? Is this so you will feel sorry for him and pay for more things for him? Maybe buy all his ‘replacements’
Jeez if he behaves like this about you being on your period how is he going to behave over something more serious? Or if you have kids together. This man will seriously harm you one day or maybe worse!!!! And you’re still feeling sorry for him and saying you need to work out if it’s your fault.
The best thing you can do is google narcissistic abuse and maybe do some research into the traits of abusive partners

Also I’d be interested to hear what the problems are with his immigration status and why he is unable to work. I thought they either had to have a sponsor or they were allowed to work a certain amount of hours to be able to afford to live!

OP says she is late 20s and has been with this guy for 12 years, so basically all her adult life. However awful we (and she) think he is, I imagine it takes a lot of mental processing to disengage from such a long relationship and for her to see herself without him and him without her, so I don't know why posters are expecting her to change her life so quickly.

This is a good point. Abusers isolate their victims as much as they can, so it's really hard for them to imagine a life without their abuser, who becomes their reality.

And this is a man you love? Really? You need to get professional support.