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Original poster

AIBU or my boyfriend

536 replies

galaxymilkshake · 17/08/2022 18:08

Hello,

Had a slight disagreement with my boyfriend.
To begin, my boyfriend is awaiting his papers from immigrations (going on for about two years now- his parents did not sort out his immigrations papers when he was younger) so he cannot work, or essentially do anything, he is staying at a shared flat and is getting a small allowance (100-200) per month and some help from a scheme.Because of this I have been helping him out financially little by little. Now of course he wants to see my regularly, but often when we go out, I know I'm going to be the one paying for almost everything and then I feel bad because I get him toiletries, food etc. So We generally see each other once a month, around my payday, as I work part time and I'm a part time carer to my mum. He also suggests things like going to the park... but I sometimes say no as you will read below.

So of course, sex is off limits at the moment. He cannot come and stay over at my house and my mum really does not like him and they do not get on. I cannot stay over at my boyfriends house because he is in a government paid shared flat and he is not allowed to bring visitors. So every month, we book a hotel and spend the day today. But of course, I pay for everything and it's eating up my salary.

So two months ago, myself and bf stayed at the hotel. This time, he paid about half of the hotel and I bought food etc. So bf has been very stressed lately, he tried to commit suicide the day before and didn't like the was I was treating him. Unfortunately, on that day, I came on my period and he became upset, saying that it was a waste of time and that I should give him the £40.00 that he paid for the hotel. I said "no because, I paid for the majority of the funds for the hotel (UK hotels are getting very expensive) plus food (which he didn't eat and there in the bin) and that I never ask him to pay just this time as money is tight'. BF got very angry and said 'Well get out and book yourself a taxi, this always happens your always on your period.". He then was threatening me saying that I should give him the money back or else. Not wanting him to get angry, I transferred him the £40.00- telling him that I am struggling financially as I'm supporting my mother, as well as taking her to various private therapies which i also partially fund from my wages.

Anyway, not wanting to get into an argument, I just went to bed and pretended that I was I'll so he doesn't get angry. Then all of a sudden, I just hear him shouting at me at 3am in the morning!! I got up and said "Bf why are you shouting?", he was telling me that he de didn't like the way I was treating him, he was getting angry. Then when I told him to stop and that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. He began to kick my back very hard on multiple occasions and I fell off the bed, he then came very close to me, with his hands clenched, looking very angry, and wanting me to admit all the things that I've done and how it's my fault. If I dared talked back, I know he would have hit me. Anyway, I managed to call him down and we both went to bed. I didn't sleep at all because of what happened. When 6am came, I immediately told Bf that I had to go because I need to go to work- which was true but also because I wanted to get out of there ASAP. He was being such a mood, he was insulting my dress /sense, saying that I did not look nice for our date night and that if I ever wear what I was wearing again he wouldn't want to hang out with me. He then dropped him off home and he was being such a bitch, shouting at me because I suggested the wrong direction to getting home, telling me that I had no common sense, people were looking at us- it was just a bad day.

When I got home, I just cried, he apologised but I told him that I wanted space and we haven't really been speaking for about a month ago.

Anyway, present day, we have been speaking on and off and things are getting back to normal. But currently, as he is so stressed because of immigration, he wants to have sex (I have known him for a long time, but when he feels sad/stressed it's like he uses my body as a stress reliever- he doesn't admit it but it's true and god for it if I deny him sex, he just gets angry). So anyway, he has been initiating that he wants sex (we haven't done it in a while). I then told him that I would be happy to see him, go somewhere, take a walk, but right now I don't feel safe to book a hotel and spend the night with him because of what happened the last time. Well you know what happened? He became very angry, saying I'm cheating on him that I should admit it to him, that I'm making up excuses, that his giving me a month and then watch, he would be in "full rage and no one can't say anything".

AIBU? I know it's been a while that we haven't had sex but I just don't feel comfortable to be in his company at present and want to wait a while. What should I do?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2022 21:43

Take the money you’d use to help him and spend it on the best therapist you can to try to work out what the fuck is wrong with you.

PlentyOFool · 02/09/2022 22:27

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2022 21:43

Take the money you’d use to help him and spend it on the best therapist you can to try to work out what the fuck is wrong with you.

This times a billion. Seriously.

Milesty1 · 02/09/2022 22:54

He ASSAULTED you already and needs to be reported to the police. He will do it again, or worse, either to you or some other poor woman he meets. Get as far away from this messed up relationship as you can…

blackcatnight · 03/09/2022 10:48

Yes, you are being VERY unreasonable.

  1. The FIRST time a man is violent with you (such as kicking you in the back), you leave. He has shown you who and what he is, believe him.
  2. He is lying about his immigration issues/back story. I’m not sure which part, but what you have described doesn’t make sense. You don’t know the whole story.
  3. Not only is he violent, he has mental health issues, and you can’t fix this.
  4. ‘Traditional morals’? Hahaha! Like what, violent to women? He is a terrible, terrible man.
  5. Just out of curiosity, where is he/his family from?

Notice the consistency in the replies here, OP. We are all telling you to leave this horrible, abusive man. You cannot build a healthy relationship with him, and it would be cruel and wrong to have a child with him.

blackcatnight · 03/09/2022 10:52

galaxymilkshake · 02/09/2022 20:28

His on the streets because the funding for his shared housing had stopped (it was only temporary). Therefore, most of the homeless people,including him, had to be kicked out of the shared accommodation. How can I help him?

The question is not HOW can you help him, but WHY would you WANT to help this terrible man?

You deserve better. I know you want a child and relationship, and you are young enough to start over and find someone who will respect you and never, ever hit or kick you. Don’t waste any more precious time on this abusive monster.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 11:07

This is one of the most disturbing things I think I've ever read on here.

OP, you on the one hand say you know the abuse from him will escalate and in the same breath say you love him. You know those two statements are absolutely contradictory, right? You cannot love an abuser.

As gently as possible, your approach is warped. This is understandable because you have been groomed by this appalling man for over a decade to think this is normal and you presumably had low self-esteem to start with. But there is no good outcome to this situation if you remain with this man.

You need to step right outside this. You need to cease all contact with him. Involve the police and file a restraining order if you have to. Contact Women's Aid, they will advise you what to do. You then need a lot of therapy. Above all you need to not get pregnant by him.

There's only one person who can change this scenario and its you. But you've got to open your eyes and wake up and stop deluding yourself. If you can take this first step you will then get help and support on here and in RL. But you've got to see this for what it is.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 11:10

This man and his traditional morals...LOL! Hes such a traditionalist that he isnt working, is violent towards women, doesnt have his immigration status sorted despite 12 years in the country, and has to rely on his carer girlfriend to sort a hotel once a month. Oh and his future plans include having a family while working part time (read: expecting society to foot the bill).

Look its simple: this man is an absolute waster and you should be very concerned you have spent so much time on him already. Text him and lie if necessary, tell him you have documented evidence of bruises on your back and have sought counsel from a lawyer, tell him if he makes any kind of contact with you at all from this point on you can and will jeopardise his immigration application. Then block him.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 11:23

Oh and by the way, he said you arent even beautiful, you "arent Beyonce"?

As beautiful as Beyonce is I think shes quite an old school reference these days for a 29 year old man.

I dont believe he was 17 when you met him and if he had been a minor back then surely his immigration situation would have been a lot smoother to sort out. I reckon hes late 30s.

FratersDadIsABeeGee · 03/09/2022 11:40

Lets hope he ends up on the streets of wherever immigration send him.

blackcatnight · 03/09/2022 11:44

Does he have any kind of criminal conviction, OP? That’s what comes to mind when you say he doesn’t have his immigration status sorted after being in the UK so long. Something doesn’t check out in his story as you gave it.

Proteinpudding · 03/09/2022 12:16

It really isn't unusual for children to live here with relatives and the immigration paperwork not to be sorted out before adulthood (where it becomes much harder)

It doesn't change that he's abusive and that the OP deserves better though. His status is on his family, not for the OP to resolve.

KassandraOfSparta · 03/09/2022 12:40

You know, I never thought sending illegal immigrants to Rwanda was a smart move. But I'd make an exception for this person. I really, really, really hope they do deport him.

OP you need real life support with this as you have been so brainwashed by this person for your entire adult life. Speak to your mum. Speak to women's aid. Speak to siblings, cousins, friends.

JUST DON'T SPEAK TO HIM. EVER.

Cherchezlaspice · 03/09/2022 13:16

Tierne · 03/09/2022 11:23

Oh and by the way, he said you arent even beautiful, you "arent Beyonce"?

As beautiful as Beyonce is I think shes quite an old school reference these days for a 29 year old man.

I dont believe he was 17 when you met him and if he had been a minor back then surely his immigration situation would have been a lot smoother to sort out. I reckon hes late 30s.

Renaissance came out a few weeks ago and has been number one on multiple charts across the globe.

Not the point of the thread, but I’m intrigued by the idea of anyone considering Beyoncé as an ‘old school’ reference. You’re clearly either completely removed from current pop culture or spectacularly cool and only aware of super cutting edge stuff. Which is it?

ILoveRumblyRabbit · 03/09/2022 13:22

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2022 21:43

Take the money you’d use to help him and spend it on the best therapist you can to try to work out what the fuck is wrong with you.

The best advice for you. Nothing will change unless YOU change it.

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 03/09/2022 21:00

Tierne · 03/09/2022 11:23

Oh and by the way, he said you arent even beautiful, you "arent Beyonce"?

As beautiful as Beyonce is I think shes quite an old school reference these days for a 29 year old man.

I dont believe he was 17 when you met him and if he had been a minor back then surely his immigration situation would have been a lot smoother to sort out. I reckon hes late 30s.

Yes, it is true I met him when he was 16/17. Yes he is still going through immigration (he had a biometric card which he had to renew every three years or so on this occasion it's taking longer than usual- doesn't help that he has a past conviction). Also, I agree that "Beyonce" is an old school reference but unfortunately, Beyonce is considered to be attractive as a "black woman" in the industry. Sad but that's the way some think. I am black so he was obviously trying to compare me that I'm nothing like Beyonce.

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 03/09/2022 21:05

I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for him. His on the streets and sleeping on benches with the off friend allowing him to stay for a couple of days. He called me crying today as he left his electronics and clothing in a safe place (as they were too heavy to walk around and has been travelling to seek support from charities) but he came back to realise that all his stuff have been stolen. I can't officially end this. I feel compelled to help him. I think it's easy to say, don't help someone when you do them wrong but in situations like this, how could I? That would be so heartless of me.

OP posts:
Charcy · 03/09/2022 21:11

This simply cannot be true. I really struggle to believe that anyone can be this silly. But on the off-chance it is true. Run.

HollaHolla · 03/09/2022 21:13

galaxymilkshake · 17/08/2022 18:54

I cannot leave him. He would not let me. Even if I do, I would face the repercussions. He would stalk me, he knows where my close family members work, he would demand answers from then - or worse maybe hurts them, I don't know but I cannot put them in that position. I have to continue to talk to him so he doesn't suspect anything- just till I feel safe enough to just block. I cannot afford to get beaten up right now, I need to support my mum and I need to work.

This is such a worrying post, OP. I think most of us are concerned about you, and the fact you are in this ‘relationship’ out of fear. He doesn’t love you, no matter how you feel about him.

A real man, who loves you, wouldn’t kick you, abuse you just because you have your period, and take so much cash from you. If you left him now, you would still have a chance to meet, have a good relationship, and children, with someone else. If he went on to stalk/abuse you, or your family, you contact the Police.

I know it must be hard to break away from someone who has abused you for so long, but there is life beyond this. It’s not living, the situation you’re in - it’s a terrible existence. Good luck.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 21:33

You sound like such a caring person. You can do so much better than this.

ILoveRumblyRabbit · 04/09/2022 09:48

galaxymilkshake · 03/09/2022 21:05

I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for him. His on the streets and sleeping on benches with the off friend allowing him to stay for a couple of days. He called me crying today as he left his electronics and clothing in a safe place (as they were too heavy to walk around and has been travelling to seek support from charities) but he came back to realise that all his stuff have been stolen. I can't officially end this. I feel compelled to help him. I think it's easy to say, don't help someone when you do them wrong but in situations like this, how could I? That would be so heartless of me.

How is it heartless to not help someone that has hurt and scared you? You really do need to seek therapy to rewire your brain so that you can protect yourself from scum like this man and any others that may appear in future. You owe this person nothing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/09/2022 09:58

Obviously, obviously, you should have nothing more to do with him. You’re basically paying for the privilege of being used for sex and having someone kick you and insult you. Who would do this?

You should also report the assault to the police. Yes, it could end with him being deported but he doesn’t sound like someone you should spare a second thought for tbh. I only feel sorry for the women in his home country if that does happen.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/09/2022 09:59

Also it’s extremely common for people to lie on arrival about being 16/17 so wouldn’t be sure he is the age he says he is.

GooglyEyeballs · 04/09/2022 09:59

Honestly I don't believe a word of this thread.

blackcatnight · 04/09/2022 10:45

galaxymilkshake · 03/09/2022 21:05

I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for him. His on the streets and sleeping on benches with the off friend allowing him to stay for a couple of days. He called me crying today as he left his electronics and clothing in a safe place (as they were too heavy to walk around and has been travelling to seek support from charities) but he came back to realise that all his stuff have been stolen. I can't officially end this. I feel compelled to help him. I think it's easy to say, don't help someone when you do them wrong but in situations like this, how could I? That would be so heartless of me.

I am starting to believe this thread isn’t real. No one could be this dense. But on the off-chance that you are real and genuine, OP, no, it would not be ‘so heartless’ of you to help this terrible man. The only sensible and self-respecting thing to do here is to end all contact with him.

If you are a genuine poster, you need to follow the advice of others on this thread and get yourself some therapy to find out why you have so little respect for yourself. You are allowing this terrible, abusive man to use you and hurt you over and over again. He will not change. It is not normal for a man to do the horrible things he has done. Please end contact with him and seek professional help.

Also, you said he would stalk you if you try to end things with him. You need to report him to the police if this is true.

I hope for your sake he is deported. You should hope for that too.

RampantIvy · 04/09/2022 10:48

You're supposed to be his girlfriend, not his social worker.

He isn't your responsibility. You need to leave this co-dependent relationship and find someone who treats you with respect and consideration.

You sound like your self esteem is so low that you will accept this unreasonable behaviour just so that you aren't on your own.

This thread has over 400 posts. Not one poster has said you should stay with this leech. Get rid.

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