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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU or my boyfriend

536 replies

galaxymilkshake · 17/08/2022 18:08

Hello,

Had a slight disagreement with my boyfriend.
To begin, my boyfriend is awaiting his papers from immigrations (going on for about two years now- his parents did not sort out his immigrations papers when he was younger) so he cannot work, or essentially do anything, he is staying at a shared flat and is getting a small allowance (100-200) per month and some help from a scheme.Because of this I have been helping him out financially little by little. Now of course he wants to see my regularly, but often when we go out, I know I'm going to be the one paying for almost everything and then I feel bad because I get him toiletries, food etc. So We generally see each other once a month, around my payday, as I work part time and I'm a part time carer to my mum. He also suggests things like going to the park... but I sometimes say no as you will read below.

So of course, sex is off limits at the moment. He cannot come and stay over at my house and my mum really does not like him and they do not get on. I cannot stay over at my boyfriends house because he is in a government paid shared flat and he is not allowed to bring visitors. So every month, we book a hotel and spend the day today. But of course, I pay for everything and it's eating up my salary.

So two months ago, myself and bf stayed at the hotel. This time, he paid about half of the hotel and I bought food etc. So bf has been very stressed lately, he tried to commit suicide the day before and didn't like the was I was treating him. Unfortunately, on that day, I came on my period and he became upset, saying that it was a waste of time and that I should give him the £40.00 that he paid for the hotel. I said "no because, I paid for the majority of the funds for the hotel (UK hotels are getting very expensive) plus food (which he didn't eat and there in the bin) and that I never ask him to pay just this time as money is tight'. BF got very angry and said 'Well get out and book yourself a taxi, this always happens your always on your period.". He then was threatening me saying that I should give him the money back or else. Not wanting him to get angry, I transferred him the £40.00- telling him that I am struggling financially as I'm supporting my mother, as well as taking her to various private therapies which i also partially fund from my wages.

Anyway, not wanting to get into an argument, I just went to bed and pretended that I was I'll so he doesn't get angry. Then all of a sudden, I just hear him shouting at me at 3am in the morning!! I got up and said "Bf why are you shouting?", he was telling me that he de didn't like the way I was treating him, he was getting angry. Then when I told him to stop and that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. He began to kick my back very hard on multiple occasions and I fell off the bed, he then came very close to me, with his hands clenched, looking very angry, and wanting me to admit all the things that I've done and how it's my fault. If I dared talked back, I know he would have hit me. Anyway, I managed to call him down and we both went to bed. I didn't sleep at all because of what happened. When 6am came, I immediately told Bf that I had to go because I need to go to work- which was true but also because I wanted to get out of there ASAP. He was being such a mood, he was insulting my dress /sense, saying that I did not look nice for our date night and that if I ever wear what I was wearing again he wouldn't want to hang out with me. He then dropped him off home and he was being such a bitch, shouting at me because I suggested the wrong direction to getting home, telling me that I had no common sense, people were looking at us- it was just a bad day.

When I got home, I just cried, he apologised but I told him that I wanted space and we haven't really been speaking for about a month ago.

Anyway, present day, we have been speaking on and off and things are getting back to normal. But currently, as he is so stressed because of immigration, he wants to have sex (I have known him for a long time, but when he feels sad/stressed it's like he uses my body as a stress reliever- he doesn't admit it but it's true and god for it if I deny him sex, he just gets angry). So anyway, he has been initiating that he wants sex (we haven't done it in a while). I then told him that I would be happy to see him, go somewhere, take a walk, but right now I don't feel safe to book a hotel and spend the night with him because of what happened the last time. Well you know what happened? He became very angry, saying I'm cheating on him that I should admit it to him, that I'm making up excuses, that his giving me a month and then watch, he would be in "full rage and no one can't say anything".

AIBU? I know it's been a while that we haven't had sex but I just don't feel comfortable to be in his company at present and want to wait a while. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 06/09/2022 16:41

I think you all are right. Ex called me and said that he really wants to see me and why am I avoiding him as his feeling very down about the situation. I said ok but we should meet in a public place and we could walk and talk. Ex said then said 'Why would we be walking? I've been doing too much of that". Realising what he meant, I then told him "oh, I'm not going to do the hotel". He said "Whyy... it's been two months, I'm having to beg you. I don't feel like we are in a relationship. You have been avoiding man. Every couple has sex, I hardly see you". I then replied "well... we are not in a normal relationship because of what you keep on doing and I can't keep splurging on hotels". He then said "You know what galaxy, I can't take this anymore I can't. This isn't normal. Everytime your on the phone to me, you quickly hang up the phone and me and go and speak to your friends. If your friend tell you to go out, I bet you would jump and go. But no- you don't want to do anything with me".

Are these signs of someone using you and if so why?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 06/09/2022 16:57

Are these signs of someone using you and if so why?

OP.

Take a deep breath.

Go to the start of this thread.

Read every post from your first one right through to now, all answers included, and then answer that question yourself.

I'll be interested to hear your answer because it doesn't seem to have gotten through yet and you keep asking people essentially the same thing.

Yes, he is an abuser.

Yes, he is using you.

Yes, this is an incredibly fucked up abusive relationship.

Yes, you are a victim of abuse.

No, you shouldn't speak to him ever again.

Why? For all the reasons on this 450 post thread.

If you read it back calmly with a clear head, maybe even take notes and jot down the reasons people have explained this relationship is literally just you being used and abused, you should be able to answer your own question.

Then come back and tell us that answer so we can support you in your next steps.

RampantIvy · 06/09/2022 18:26

Are these signs of someone using you and if so why?

Yes.

You don;t need to question why. He is an abuser and has been manipulating and abusing you for years. Absolutely everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. Yet you keep coming back and asking the same questions over and over and over again, and you aren't listening.

What do you want out of this thread? No-one is going to tell you that you will have your happy ever after with him, because you won't. It is as if you are addicted to this cycle of abuse.

Why does your mother not like him? Why do you punish yourself like this?

Dump him.

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 06/09/2022 18:52

Because I feel like it's my fault. He has been trying with me but I've been horrible to him and have been pushing him away. I have been avoiding him, only seeing him once every couple of weeks because of his unpredictable behaviour. I understand when he says that we are not in a normal relationship because we aren't as that's all down to me...

OP posts:
OldFan · 06/09/2022 18:57

@galaxymilkshake Of course he's going to manipulate his mum into making things harder for you, or she's going to do what he wants. She's his mum and she maybe doesn't realize what he's like towards you, or she thinks it's ok.

wellhelloitsme · 06/09/2022 19:00

wellhelloitsme · 06/09/2022 16:57

Are these signs of someone using you and if so why?

OP.

Take a deep breath.

Go to the start of this thread.

Read every post from your first one right through to now, all answers included, and then answer that question yourself.

I'll be interested to hear your answer because it doesn't seem to have gotten through yet and you keep asking people essentially the same thing.

Yes, he is an abuser.

Yes, he is using you.

Yes, this is an incredibly fucked up abusive relationship.

Yes, you are a victim of abuse.

No, you shouldn't speak to him ever again.

Why? For all the reasons on this 450 post thread.

If you read it back calmly with a clear head, maybe even take notes and jot down the reasons people have explained this relationship is literally just you being used and abused, you should be able to answer your own question.

Then come back and tell us that answer so we can support you in your next steps.

Are you willing to try this OP?

OldFan · 06/09/2022 19:02

I have been avoiding him, only seeing him once every couple of weeks because of his unpredictable behaviour. I understand when he says that we are not in a normal relationship because we aren't as that's all down to me...

It's not a normal relationship because he's too intense, manipulative, violent and sexually coercive. As you say, the reason you only want to see him every couple of weeks is because you don't know how he's going to act and he puts you on edge (anyone would feel the same in your position.)

CPL593H · 06/09/2022 19:03

It's down to you in that you are staying in a situation where you are exploited and abused. You don't live with him, you don't have any financial ties, you don't have kids so it is easier than many scenarios women end up in. The money you are wasting on him would be better used on counselling to help you realise exactly how unhealthy, in fact dangerous, all this is.

Has anything anyone has said on here made you consider that? We are individuals who don't know each other but I can't recollect one post telling you "Oh he sounds great, work on it".

SunscreenCentral · 06/09/2022 19:09

Wtf. Are you afraid of being single, op?

I can't see one single reason for being in this "relationship". It sounds Iike a nightmare

Bubblebubblebah · 06/09/2022 19:21

I think the wind ups are getting bit weird lately

Munchyseeds2 · 06/09/2022 19:32

This thread is bonkers
The OP just isn't listening to all the really good advice....

Changechangychange · 06/09/2022 19:37

galaxymilkshake · 06/09/2022 16:41

I think you all are right. Ex called me and said that he really wants to see me and why am I avoiding him as his feeling very down about the situation. I said ok but we should meet in a public place and we could walk and talk. Ex said then said 'Why would we be walking? I've been doing too much of that". Realising what he meant, I then told him "oh, I'm not going to do the hotel". He said "Whyy... it's been two months, I'm having to beg you. I don't feel like we are in a relationship. You have been avoiding man. Every couple has sex, I hardly see you". I then replied "well... we are not in a normal relationship because of what you keep on doing and I can't keep splurging on hotels". He then said "You know what galaxy, I can't take this anymore I can't. This isn't normal. Everytime your on the phone to me, you quickly hang up the phone and me and go and speak to your friends. If your friend tell you to go out, I bet you would jump and go. But no- you don't want to do anything with me".

Are these signs of someone using you and if so why?

Yes these are signs of him using you, because normal men don’t phone their girlfriend up and say, essentially “book a hotel room love, I want to have sex”.

He didn’t want to see you for yourself, did he? When you suggested walking and talking he shut that right down. It was a booty call.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2022 19:55

Think I'm going to give up with this thread. It's so frustrating that OP keeps communicating with this man.

RampantIvy · 06/09/2022 20:46

Bangs head against a brick wall.

I'm not sure this is genuine any more. No-one is this stupid.

OP: I'm in abusive relationship and need advice
Over 400 posts: dump him
OP: No but, no but, excuse after excuse.

I'm out

Ilikewinter · 06/09/2022 21:12

Cant believe people are still giving their time and energy to give the OP advice.....the OP has managed to properly string this one out 🤣🤣🤣.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/09/2022 21:50

There's no 'back story'

He's just abusive, so you leave

Wibbly1008 · 06/09/2022 22:41

galaxymilkshake · 17/08/2022 18:38

He’s had no status in this country for 12 years?

Yes he has but he is on some type of Visa, I forgot what it's called, so he has to renew it every three years or so until it reaches 10 years and then he could apply for a British passport. But as you know, immigration take a long while- also, his initial renewal application was rejected the first so now he is going through an appeal.

The reason why we see each other once a month is because of "ME", he would want to see me everyday but I choose not to as he is unpredictable with his behaviour.

Please think before you have a child with him. You have stated he is unpredictable, can you bring a baby into that safely?

FlissyPaps · 06/09/2022 22:43

You know he’s abusive and none of this is your fault, don’t you OP?

Because otherwise you wouldn’t have posted this thread in the first place.

Block him. Right now. Don’t respond to him ever again. Google “trauma bonding” and please book some counselling.

cstx89 · 07/09/2022 02:09

This post makes me sad.

OP u deserve to be treated with love and respect. I can see why u may be scared to leave him but he isn't caring at all.

Walk away, focus on ur confidence, mum and job then get back out there and find a decent man who will support you emotionally, love you for you, share financial responsibility.

I know some replies have been harsh but seriously u need to think of yourself and ur future. Can you really say he will care for u as u get older?

Take care OP Flowers

Hicks123 · 07/09/2022 05:43

Op, please reach out to a domestic abuse charity like womens aid and speak to someone. You say you want him to change, but he won’t change. This is him on his best behaviour because you have a degree of control left in your life so you can choose whether to see him or not. If you want to get married, know that once you are living with him you’ll have even less control because you’ll have nowhere else to hide when he’s threatening, violent or makes you feel worthless or unsafe. If you have children with this man it will only get worse. He’s emotionally manipulating you to make you feel bad about yourself and sorry for him. In all the relationships I’ve had no one has ever hit me, or made me think they would. No one has been angry that I’ve had my period. I’m not scared of my DH. That’s normal. Please take care of yourself, listen to your mum and get help before this gets even worse than it is already. There is support to help stop him harming you or your family if you cut ocntact. It is not your fault he’s like this, so please leave and cut contact with the support in place that you need from womens aid or another domestic abuse charity. You can do it. The sooner the better. Stop living in fear. 💐

blackcatnight · 07/09/2022 08:30

This thread is fake. It is also insulting to actual victims of domestic violence. I think the thread should be deleted and the OP banned.

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 07/09/2022 08:35

blackcatnight · 07/09/2022 08:30

This thread is fake. It is also insulting to actual victims of domestic violence. I think the thread should be deleted and the OP banned.

You can believe what you want to believe but the story I am sharing on here is not fake.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 07/09/2022 08:37

OP can you take some time today and read back every single post on this thread?

You've had a unanimous opinion, some excellent advice and suggestions of next steps that will keep you safe.

You seem to ask what's happening, ignore the advice then return a few days later to ask what's happening again.

So I think calmly reading back everyone's posts on the thread, that they've taken time to thoughtfully share, rather than asking the same thing again, would be much more useful for you and stop people taking the time to repeat the same advice everyone has already shared.

Is that something you're willing to do? If not, it seems like it's because you don't like the unanimous opinion you've been given.

Cherchezlaspice · 07/09/2022 08:38

galaxymilkshake · 07/09/2022 08:35

You can believe what you want to believe but the story I am sharing on here is not fake.

Show quote history

Alright. In that case, what’s the matter with you? You have received the same response, unanimously, from hundreds of people. If you’re not taking any of it on board and want to persist in a situation so horrific that people think it’s fake, then why keep posting here?

Novum · 07/09/2022 08:59

galaxymilkshake · 06/09/2022 18:52

Because I feel like it's my fault. He has been trying with me but I've been horrible to him and have been pushing him away. I have been avoiding him, only seeing him once every couple of weeks because of his unpredictable behaviour. I understand when he says that we are not in a normal relationship because we aren't as that's all down to me...

OP, he hasn't been trying with you. Very, very occasionally he makes a bit of an effort with you, but only to try to persuade you to pay for somewhere he can have sex with you. If you won't go along with it (rightly) he turns on you. So far as he is concerned, you are simply someone to use when he wants sex, he doesn't care about you.

If his behaviour has meant you had to push him away, how can that possibly be your fault?