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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner with porn addiction

151 replies

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 10:32

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

OP posts:
andymary · 17/08/2022 11:07

Personally don't have an issue with anyone in a relationship watching porn.
Whether it be cams, OF, porn sites. Having accounts on these sites does not mean that the person is cheating in any way, or even interacting/chatting.
Porn is porn - it's there for one reason only.
It could just be that they are using their accounts to 'favourite' what they like, so it's easier to find again another time, to rewatch a video that they enjoyed previously for example.

The only disturbing thing you said in my view was
"His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day."
So is he staying up every night until 3am - 6am waiting for you to fall asleep so he can go watch porn? If so, sounds like he's worried about what you'll say or 'getting caught'. Maybe you need to have a chat and tell him he doesn't need to hide it. At the end of the day - it's perfectly normal, whether you like it yourself or not.

The last thing is, how's the sex life between you both? Are you happy with it? Is he more sexually active than you? As long as he's not forfeiting sexual relations with you to watch porn, then he may just be trying to sort himself out in-between the times you guys have sex.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2022 11:11

I would “move forward” a very long way from this man. He is pathetic and I would not have an ounce of respect for him.

ShadowoftheFall · 17/08/2022 11:14

He has zero respect for women. I agree with AnyFucker, I’d repay the compliment by having zero respect for him.

A580Hojas · 17/08/2022 11:21

Honestly, this would put me right off! I couldn't marry him. He sounds horribly sleazy (I know that sounds prudish) which I find completely unattractive.

I bet Harvey Weinstein was addicted to porn too. It's pathetic and revolting at the same time.

Ladylovesbooks · 17/08/2022 11:37

Some people may not care if a man is obsessed with porn and supporting an industry with a huge record of abusing women and girls but that certainly doesn’t mean you have to put up with that crap
theres no way I could marry him after finding this out about him … what a massive turn off

MiniTheMinx · 17/08/2022 11:39

Depends, does he earn a fortune, have a huge pension, afford you a fantastic life......nah, of course not. He's just some bloke, like any other. Is it normal? increasingly so.

He is what he does. We are what we do. Will he change if you nag on about it? doubtful. Do you want to waste your time while having your self esteem shredded?

It always amazes me when people say that porn is just porn and no man makes a comparison between what he has and what he sees. Oh yes he does. And many now prefer their online life to that which they can realistically aspire to live out in their ordinary lives.

I'd at the very least stop having sex with him. That would be completely non negotiable. Yuk.

Catzlife · 17/08/2022 11:45

anyone who has an account on a porn site is a bit weird if you ask me.

Original poster
Thedownside · 17/08/2022 11:52

Because I am in my fifties my body isn't what it once was but I am in good shape and our sex life is great,however its hard for me to think he spends so much time looking at porn I feel its a addiction for him.
Another worry is he works away alot and when you access these sites you get lots of pop ups for a hook ups !
For me wanking and speaking to a cam girl is definitely not acceptable but porn in moderation I understand.
Its so easy now to get yourself entangled in chats and this is a worry also.
I have read enough threads to know men will lie to your face and do I just accept it or tell him he needs to stop because then I am policing him if you know what I mean

OP posts:
Namenic · 17/08/2022 11:57

OP - it’s ok to have boundaries. Some people are no porn at all, some are ok with occasional porn, some are ok with porn but no cam girls, some people are ok with strip clubs, open relationship or whatever. some are more concerned with the ethical aspect (eg exploiting women), some are concerned with it making them insecure.

know what you are happy with. If his expectations don’t match, then you’re not going to be compatible and resentment would build. So I would really reconsider whether you should marry him or stay with him.

Original poster
Thedownside · 17/08/2022 12:07

Its like I see a different person now and can't unsee what I have seen on his phone.
He just phoned me , he thinks I am quiet and is there something wrong!!
I told him I am very upset about his porn use and he thinks I am over reacting.
He said his porn use doesn't take away how much he loves me and said dont worry about it.
Hes totally mistaken if he thinks I will go into a marriage with a man who uses porn to this extent.

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 17/08/2022 12:14

It’s a deal breaker for me. A pathetic middle aged man wanking over women and girls young enough to be his daughter in some cases.
I would end the relationship. Doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s a big deal or not, you clearly do.

Original poster
Thedownside · 17/08/2022 12:18

Namenic. Yes your right its what is acceptable for me,
My friend said something to me a month ago that really niggled me at the time she said he said she had great boobs which made me pull him up he said she was popping out and it was a passing comment. WTF.
I seem to be going around in rose tinted glasses

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 17/08/2022 12:57

I am the same age as you are OP.
And yes - body isn’t the same as it has been when younger. Same is true for the men in our age group.
Dealing with ageing is something we all have to learn to do.

Whoever you are going to be with - this man, or anyone else - will see younger attractive women around - if not on porn, then on the streets, by the sea, in the gym. So do you see young, attractive sexy young men.

Feeling suddenly insecure about yourself doesn’t help anyone. And it’s pointless - not like we can turn back time.

If you can’t trust your partner to stay faithful while traveling - obviously that’s the end of relationship.
As to what he does when you are asleep and he clearly has insomnia - I personally couldn’t care less.
If you have great sex life otherwise - clearly he finds you attractive. Just like you do - despite recognising that celebrity X is sexy, muscular and young.

Dating as a 50 something is hard enough. If your partner makes you feel loved and is there for you - and you have good sex - not sure I’d be throwing the relationship out.
I’d try to understand more and see what he
is actually doing with it all - as no one, not even younger men can have nightly wanking sessions for hours and still maintain a normal job and sex life with their partner.

Separately - I don’t see much reasons to marry after 50 anyway. Unless there is a financial reason.

firstmummy2019 · 17/08/2022 13:11

andymary · 17/08/2022 11:07

Personally don't have an issue with anyone in a relationship watching porn.
Whether it be cams, OF, porn sites. Having accounts on these sites does not mean that the person is cheating in any way, or even interacting/chatting.
Porn is porn - it's there for one reason only.
It could just be that they are using their accounts to 'favourite' what they like, so it's easier to find again another time, to rewatch a video that they enjoyed previously for example.

The only disturbing thing you said in my view was
"His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day."
So is he staying up every night until 3am - 6am waiting for you to fall asleep so he can go watch porn? If so, sounds like he's worried about what you'll say or 'getting caught'. Maybe you need to have a chat and tell him he doesn't need to hide it. At the end of the day - it's perfectly normal, whether you like it yourself or not.

The last thing is, how's the sex life between you both? Are you happy with it? Is he more sexually active than you? As long as he's not forfeiting sexual relations with you to watch porn, then he may just be trying to sort himself out in-between the times you guys have sex.

I'm sorry but watching porn 3 hours a day is neither normal or healthy.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 13:13

His pornnuse sounds excessive (and i watch it myself).

The cam sex is a step Velindre into something live and interactive. I also djnt fully believe he never ever interacts ..

I'm also wondering how he watches without paying (but I've not been on a cam sex site/video so ..).

His comment to your mate is as bad or worse.

I think.you should get rI'd of him tbh

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 13:14

*a step beyond

Friendofdennis · 17/08/2022 13:20

He is making you feel very insecure. I don’t think this is the basis for a happy marriage I’m sorry. All the best

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 13:23

You have been given the gift of a lifetime to find all this out before you married this man.

Do not marry him. It's would be a massive mistake you'd regret forever.

Friendofdennis · 17/08/2022 13:23

What do your marriage vows say ? How do you interpret the promises ‘to love and cherish’. Can you make promises of faithfulness and love to each other when he is so mentally and emotionally unfaithful to you already

CalistoNoSolo · 17/08/2022 13:24

It would be a deal breaker for me. I have zero tolerance for porn use because it exploits very vulnerable people, and you have no idea if you're watching a trafficked victim being raped or not.

bigbloom · 17/08/2022 13:30

The cam sites are mist likely pop ups. XHamster well have them. I don't blame you for feeling shit about yourself over porn.

You can ask he stops or cuts down. But it's a very tricky issue. It can almost make you more paranoid by trying to that. Sorry, no definite answer from me.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 13:33

The cam sites are mist likely pop ups.

He's said he goes on, just that he doesn't interact

middleofthelittle · 17/08/2022 13:36

CalistoNoSolo · 17/08/2022 13:24

It would be a deal breaker for me. I have zero tolerance for porn use because it exploits very vulnerable people, and you have no idea if you're watching a trafficked victim being raped or not.

100% my stance.

He does not respect women and those women are exploited wether they agree to that or not. Being paid is cohesion and is bribed consent.

Gross I couldn't be with him

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 13:38

He sounds like a porn hound/porn addled, sleazy, oversexed, bit of a creep tbh.

The behaviour is unattractive enough I 20.something men, let alone a mature 50.something man.

A man who.seems to spend a lot of his time slavering over nude , sexual pics and videos of women, and wanking over them is not v attractive.

He diesbt even leave the slavering and sleazing to the private realm versus he's commented on your friends breasts to her, she told you for a reason BTW.

You getting a lot of warnings here.

Are you financially dependabt on him in any way?

yYou Don't share kids ... you don't have any ties to this situation, youre free compared to many poor women who discover stuff like this

.

bigbloom · 17/08/2022 13:39

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 13:33

The cam sites are mist likely pop ups.

He's said he goes on, just that he doesn't interact

My point still stands then. They're pop ups, he's not interacting with them. Not that I'm ok with that, but if he's just looking at the pictures/previews, it's no different than the other porn.