Partner with porn addiction

[Thedownside]

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

I don't think people who should have to make it clear that sexual interaction outside the relationship is a betrayal. In fact that smacks of victim blaming

When I think about it now there were red flags.
Obviously my friend.
When I did a photo shoot one of the other models who is younger than me said I could do better ( I never knew why she said that)
Very flirtatious with my friends but if anyone spoke to me went in a huff when they were just talking to me about work
Definitely wore rose tinted glasses

When I read all this it just hit home how terrible it is..I have felt sick to the stomac last two weeks..we've had massive fight...I can't leave. My other half says he's quit because he knows I'm serious about leaving and he is determined... The worst pain ever and he has kept everything well hidden and told me very little... I think he still blames me cos I have low sex drive. Since finding out I have seen a very different side to him... Completely indifferent to my feelings and defending his behaviour blaming me... cold and cruel at times. To be honest I don't know if I can ever trust him again yet you can't spend so much time with someone and negate the happy times when you were oblivious... I've known for some time he was up to something but I've been living my own life not wanting to know really. However as men get older from what I can see they find it harder to keep their dangly bits working, so they need more porn or cam girls to do it... Then you think, what next? My husband's behaviour has deteriorated, he is grumpy, sharp and said some horrible stuff recently because Im on strike... He is not the man I married and I am grieving that too... Porn has taken over..it's an illness because he says he needs it just like an alcoholic needs his fix... I don't think it's just a high sex drive because he can't control it and he feels genuine remorse but can't stop...but you got to be selfish and think of your own health and wellbeing first too.

And I'm in my mid fifties... Well past my best but I reckon if I wanted to I could still catch a fish or two... So don't worry about your looks.. many younger men find us oldies more mature ladies attractive..lol. Not that I'd be bothered with another male and their sex drive again...pain on the arse.. give me an evening in watching a movie and a hot chocolate free from horny men any day.. done with that...lol

I think he still blames me cos I have low sex drive
That was a factor with mine too, however actually turns out I don't have a low sex drive. He had a very high appetite plus elements of coercive and manipulative behaviour to get sex, which of course is abusive. So quite understandable I didn't want sex with him.

Hi Adam... Yes I have felt harassed and certainly I feel he has been coercive since I found out and for last few months tbh. I felt pretty broken last week, numb, gutted, angry.. now I am coming out of it a bit.. not going to let him ruin my happiness. I'm gonna live my life..

Honestly life is much simpler without that kind of behaviour in it.....I'm sad I'm not with exH because of our children and we did have good times but I'm very very very happy not to have to deal with all the complicated sex issues any more.....quite apart from the cams.

@Snoozley I'm with you- i just don't like being married to someone up to secretive sleaze so much behind my back- maybe others don't give a shit, but I certainly do. I think because it's so easily accessible and 'discreet' they think it's no big deal- whereas if they were popping open a mag every day or popping on a hardcore video many of us would justifiably think they were total sleazy jerks.

Snoozley....I feel your pain.
My partner is very handsome and I am a mature model and have been all over the world and met many men and women who get to a certain age and feel that they need to go and find a bit on the side to boost their self esteem .
I spoke about this many tine with my partner who said he would never need anything else (found the perfect woman.)

Lies lies and more lies.

I truly believed him

I can't get over how many woman are dealing with this pandemic of sleeze.

I've just sent a email to cancel my wedding.
I haven't spoke to him yet so he is none the wiser but I know I can't marry him and now the feeling of anger is overwhelming me

There’s something wrong with him. And it’s not just “sexual”. I bet a whole bunch of underlying crud.

He sounds like a porn hound/porn addled, sleazy, oversexed, bit of a creep tbh

^ yes, what @LooseGoose22 said again.

Then the “cam tab” open.

I suspect he’s as weird as F, under whatever his persona is.

Anyway, see you’ve cancelled wedding. Good for you OP.

Can I lock him out legally.
I don't want to see him I haven't even told him what I've found ,i can't deal with the ljes he will tell me.

The house is owned by both of us , We bought it with money from our previous properties

Probably not legally but is he really going to call the police if it's a couple of nights to give you space and make longer term arrangements?

I was thinking of sending the wanking video to him and one of the sleezy messages then tell him not to come home I need time to get my head sorted

The very very least he owes you right now is some space and to stay away

Ok sent the video and a message.
Asked him to give me space and not to contact me.
Told him I am repulsed.
Think I may vomit

On thedownside..I do feel your pain... I know it's the worst pain I ever experienced...you must ask for space to get your head sorted... Its his problem to deal with and nothing about you... I think they are brainwashed and think it's ok and everyone do it.... I wonder how many women are sleeping with their guys who are living a different parallel life...it's horrible..

I’m so sorry such a horrible thing to find out. But you have done right thing. Your self-esteem will just be eroded if you carry on and this way you can protect yourself and meet someone who deserves you.

My DH has been on numerous hookup sites over the last couple of years, all of which I found out by chance. i forgave him for sake of our DD but a few weeks ago I walked into the room as he flicked away a picture with boobs on. It was a Saturday afternoon and the final straw. I’m done. I am now planning my exit strategy. Im sad and know it will be hard, but looking forward to not having the horrible anxiety of another discovery. It has eroded my self-esteem too much and in my early 50s I want to have a better life. I am using the time to financially and emotionally prepare to leave.

Hos cam sex and excessive porn usd is also unacceptable.

And now she's found worse.

Noone decent needs to be told the above. The poster who said ots ridiculous and smacks of victom blaming is correct.

@Chelseagirl77 I'm in same position lovely-- I just can't feel romantically or sexually attracted after this and I don't think long term that will change - to be honest it has put me right off men! It's an individual thing I guess but at 60 Im old enough to not give a shit if I don't ever meet anyone else - however im making sure im in the best position I can be- paying debt down etc

Snoozley....Thank-you for coming on here and telly your story.

Hes not got back to me so he's probably thinking of a story to spin.

I really can't look at him the things he said he wanted to do to these girls was heartbreaking, telling them his OH doesn't understand his needs...
Her telling him she would make him her everything
I think he was paying but he's got his own account so I can't access it.

You have done the right thing, awful and a great shock to you.

Can I suggest you have an STD check?
Because I bet you he’s been to escorts as well.
I’m sorry.