Partner with porn addiction

[Thedownside]

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

*because he's commented on your friends breasts to her, she told you for a reason BTW.

That is highly highly inappropriate behaviour in a relationship.

One can appreciate a physical attribute/,physique on the sex of your orientation, but commenting - will in a relationship let alone with their mate .... how many people would be ok with that?. Very fkg few.

He can't act appropriately, he doubts poorly adjusted.

There's often a reason these types are free and loose out on the dating market

Sounds like you need to sit down and communicate where you draw the line OP in terms of cams vs moderate porn use.

Noone needs to tell you 50.somethimg man that regulari spending 3/4 hrs in the early hrs watching pure, watching live cam shows, signing up to porn/cam.sites, and equally bad or worse, commenting on her friends breasts to them ..... is not appropriate, well adjusted, attractive behavior in a partner.

And it explains make no difference ,- he'll.just hide it more.

He's porn addled, sex obsessed, and sleazy.

He's even sleazy to her friend in "real life".

Another worry is he works away alot and when you access these sites you get lots of pop ups for a hook ups !

If he'll tell your friend he likes her tits to her face, and knowing she could tell you right in his "back yard", I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him when working away.

The hook ups are BS incidentally just to make people spend money signing up. I'm not sure if they lose to prostitute sites or not

*link to prostitutes sites or not

Agreed. The poster upthread who said it's normal has issues. I would dump his sorry ass quicker than you can say Mark Robinson.

"Because I am in my fifties my body isn't what it once was"

I'm betting his isn't either! Don't minimize yourself to excuse this lowlife and don't marry him!

Give him a miss OP- I've been married 26 years and aware of my Hs use maybe 5 times a week for about 5- he doesn't know that I know- in the meantime he's busily pretended it's all awful and that he's very anti it- let's just say I'm ' on strike' and saving up!! Many women don't have an issue with it, I do and like you I'm not happy at someone looking at sites where prostitutes and hook ups both digital and in the flesh are perpetually promoted. My H is only a couple of years off 60 and it gives me the creeps.

If you were my Mum or sister and I had an inkling of what he was like, I'd want you away from him.

Even just knowing he'd complimented your friends breasrs to her face... I'd feel.sorry for you being with him, and wish you'd get rid of him. That is so just inappropriate. Imagine you, and men's a aren't even as sexual as breaststelling his mate he has a great arse. Would he abd his family think you were a kind lady like, respectful well adjusted person. No they'd think.you were a flirt and inappropriate at best.

I wouldn't be able to relax around him if I knew he was cementing on your mates bodies...
I'd be thinking he might be assessing mine too. And if I knew about the excessive porn use, I'd think he was probably imagining fk knows what, and was sleazy. I'd want better for you. If rather see you happily single than with someone like him.

OP,
When a partner has an addiction (whether it's gambling/porn/alcohol/work/hobbies.etc) it means that there are 3 of you in the relationship. You, them and the addiction, and you will always take second place to the addiction.

Please do not marry this man unless he is prepared to get help to deal with this.

sexaddictionhelp.co.uk/#:~:text=Welcome%20to%20the%20home%20of,and%20tested%20self%20help%20solution.

3hrs a night is excessive but he doesn’t see it. He probably is spending money on this. His personal comment to your friend was seriously out of order. And all of this is making you very uncomfortable /insecure but he’s not willing to listen.

Why does he need to spend so much time on it? Is it a fake ego boost for a middle aged man?

Some people use porn for a bit of self indulgence but don’t spend hours on it. Others fall down a worm hole and spend hours shopping around indulging more and more fantasies. Their expectations get higher and the wives/gf’s can’t compare. When out they constantly scan for attractive women to gawk at and comment on because they think they’re entitled. They don’t realise they’re embarrassing and pathetic.

If he doesn’t (want to) understand why you’re unhappy then it’s a problem.

Do not marry him. Just found out my partner of 35 years is porn addict and Ben webcaming girls..kept it secret, spending money on account. Lies, blames me.... No idea what he's been up to... Anyone with an addiction will put that first..they need help. He defends his cam girl interactions... He's destroyed our trust and thinks it's nothing.. seriously give this man a wide birth... Porn addiction alters their brain I'm sure...you're heading for heartbreak...just what I'm going through...porn addiction makes them selfish

So my cam using ex said the free bit was like a strip bar. The guys hang out and text chat in the room, the "hostess" hangs around flirting.

The sites run on using tokens to pay for stuff, on the "free" rooms the guys can donate tokens to pay the hostess to do something for the group. Or they can pay for a private session which will basically by cyber sex. I think it used to cost my ex £40 a session.

The site he was on, I got into his phone while he was logged in and via the account page was able to see all the dms he was sending women and also the financial history of where he'd spent tokens. It was very very obvious he was doing a lot of private sessions.

I expect your ex will have locked that down now. The other thing you can do is do a Google search for his username on the sites. Search site:webcamsexample.com usernamedickhead

The camgirls leave reviews, basically I think saying who will pony up tokens so they can block freeloaders from their rooms. So if he has a bunch of high reviews he'll be paying.

I tried to forgive my ex as he did the whole "it's just porn and you are fine with that, I'm an addict I can't help it blah". But I'd lost all trust and felt like I didn't know him any more. 5 years later I found out he was still doing it so I left.

My advice would be get out now. The fact he's on those sites in the first place tells you a lot about his attitudes to women and sex, none of it good. I wish I'd left the first time though so I'm probably biased.

Good luck op and DM me if you want to xx

Maybe my Google instructions aren't clear

Type into the search bar
"Site:site name.com (then a space) his username"

Oh and also be prepared to feel numb and sick

Thank you all for your input taking the time to voice your views.

But it gets worse.
Hes got a old phone which he keeps for a emergency which I found in his briefcase its got all his contacts on it with a different number.
He never took his briefcase this morning only takes when working away .
I found pictures of his cock and a video of him wanking in a private file.
I also found different woman showing their bits. There were messages in a a archive file all sexual.
I have took screenshots and emailed them to myself.
I am sick and repulsed.
The last message was in January this year.
Hes home late tonight and I can't be in I can't look at him.
I need to get my head together I need a drink to calm my nerves.
Hes a crusty ball bag ++nt

Adam Ryan.. Thankyou I will look but I only saw one username on xhamster I will try that one and see how i get on.

@Thedownside I so feel for you. I found out because I went to use my Hs iPad one night when he was out to look at mumsnet - (I don't have one) and went to clear my use and noticed a ton of dodgy sounding cookies in 'advanced data' when I went to clear safari - after that I've always monitored our router using Cisco. Told me all I needed to know. Thing is whilst I am anti porn I could probably have turned a blind eye a few times a month say- but this was 5 times a week and if I went away for a few days it would be 3 times in 1 evening! To me it's not so much what it is, it's the lack of honesty and the sheer frequency- at nearly 60 it's an utter turn off

You can't go on like this. You'll drive yourself mad. The regular porn use is bad enough but wanking videos... what's that for? I'd be on my way out...

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking...Thanyou for the link I just read one story Of a woman whose husband was similar to mine he was sending money to Russia WTF.

Aw OP this is such a nightmare for you - but at least it happened now.

He is gross and sleazy. It must have taken a lot for your friend to tell you what he said.

Can you pack his stuff up now? I personally would not want to be overnight with someone like that.

My whole relationship is a lie.
How can you do this to someone and act like your so in love and then looking at girls the same age as my daughters.
The filth I will never ever unsee

I am shaking and feel sick I have asked my sister to come over I feel like I am in a parallel universe

I'm so sorry - its horrible I know
Glad you have your sister coming over - you need someone on your side

@LooseGoose22

In my experience communicating with your other half and making boundaries and expectations clear is key. I don't think that the OP staying silent and assuming their partner has the same standards/feelings as them when it comes to porn or otherwise is particularly helpful advice here.

The comment he made about another woman is obviously unacceptable behaviour and a huge red flag.