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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner with porn addiction

151 replies

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 10:32

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

OP posts:
Thedownside · 17/08/2022 18:58

They really are ruled by their dicks...

We had such a lovely life why look for a young woman who doesn't give a shit about you.
Just your wallet.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 17/08/2022 18:59

@Thedownside i hope he gives you space and doesnt come up with excuses for his behaviour…

@Crikeyalmighty Sorry you are in this situation too. Im happy to be single forever frankly. Yes getting sorted financially is definitely the game plan.

Lozzerbmc · 17/08/2022 19:00

I just don’t understand why men behave like this … I suppose because they can..

Signoramarella · 17/08/2022 19:01

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking you said it so well:

OP,
When a partner has an addiction (whether it's gambling/porn/alcohol/work/hobbies.etc) it means that there are 3 of you in the relationship. You, them and the addiction, and you will always take second place to the addiction.
Please do not marry this man unless he is prepared to get help to deal with this.

My EXh is an alcoholic and there were 3 of us in that marriage, me hima nd thw booze.

OP get out fast as you will always come second to the sex addiction. Gross gross gross.

AdamRyan · 17/08/2022 19:07

I really can't look at him the things he said he wanted to do to these girls was heartbreaking, telling them his OH doesn't understand his needs...
I found that the worst bit tbh. Reading my husband messaging other women about how gorgeous they were, how sexy, what an amazing time he had, how hard they made him cum.
One of them even they just had random chats about him getting ready for work/getting kids to school

When I asked him he said it meant nothing but he didn't want them to think he was an arsehole.

I was like, WTF you are paying them. They don't think anything about you.

These men have a very weird mindset. He's going to be frantically thinking of what he can say and it'll probably be somehow your fault (low sex drive, too vanilla, not made him feel sexy), sex addiction (boo hoo, he just has to do it, he'll get counselling, please don't leave), or childhood (parents had issues so he thinks it's normal, he's been made to feel ashamed)

He can't say the truth which is he feels entitled to sex so really doesn't feel guilt about paying for it.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 19:07

Hes got another email address my sister found it and let's just say its full of the same shit.
Hook up sites
Escort websites. £350 per hour
Teen websites for hook up.
Vile vile man

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2022 19:13

@Thedownside How did she find another email address ??

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 19:14

Adam Ryan....They are vile.

He's calling me but I can't answer the phone. I actually feel sick.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 17/08/2022 19:15

You don't have to talk to him until you are ready

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/08/2022 19:16

God, you poor thing . Better to have found out now than once you were married. He sounds like such a sleazeball. I would have ditched him after the sexist remark to your friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 19:23

I would be making arrangements to sell the house as soon as humanly possible unless you're able to buy him out. I wouldn't want that disgusting man anywhere near me.

wellhelloitsme · 17/08/2022 19:23

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 19:07

Hes got another email address my sister found it and let's just say its full of the same shit.
Hook up sites
Escort websites. £350 per hour
Teen websites for hook up.
Vile vile man

Oh my god you poor thing, Jesus Christ.

Can your sister come stay with you for a few days at least?

Bloody hell, men who do this are simultaneously pathetic and so fucking cruel.

Be prepared for the script:

"I booked prostitutes but never went through with it I just liked the thrill" etc. Then he'll blame you for 'breaking up the family' and threaten to kill himself. Then he'll get nasty and surprise you with just how selfish he is about the divorce and kids.

BUT that is all (relatively) short term pain for long term gain. Being free of a relationship someone like him and the anxiety they cause is fucking priceless.

Because until the end of time, he will lie and lie and lie to your face until he is caught unequivocally red handed on an individual fact. And then he'll admit to the minimum version of that fact and continue to deny everything else.

You'd spend the rest of your life anxious and waiting for him to fuck up again. And every time he did it again, your self confidence would take a further hit meaning the next time you're less likely to leave as you doubt yourself.

Compulsive cheats and liars like him aren't wired like us. You cannot reason with someone unreasonable, so don't get in to big back and forths where he can wreck your head even more. He's toxic and he's done a number of unforgivable things.

Lean on your sister and friends, let people help you.

We are here too.

I'm so sorry Flowers

wellhelloitsme · 17/08/2022 19:26

Just realised after writing that that at least there aren't shared kids he can weaponise in the break up. Everything else still applies though.

You poor thing, he's an actual cunt Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/08/2022 19:27

God that's horrific op. I dont understand why he wants to get married when he's doing this all the time.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 20:07

Hes gone.
A summary of what he said.
He needs the attention but doesn't know why.
They mean nothing enjoys the chase.
His job is stressful and thinks that's why he does it.
I am his world and couldn't live without me.
He wants to marry because I am beautiful on the inside and outside
He knows he's got a problem and will seek help
He wants to be honest and not feed me lies...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 20:32

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 20:07

Hes gone.
A summary of what he said.
He needs the attention but doesn't know why.
They mean nothing enjoys the chase.
His job is stressful and thinks that's why he does it.
I am his world and couldn't live without me.
He wants to marry because I am beautiful on the inside and outside
He knows he's got a problem and will seek help
He wants to be honest and not feed me lies...

Don't fall for any of his faux regret and remorse. He's only sorry he got caught and he will definitely learn how to be more adept at covering his tracks.

This man is a sexual deviant. End of, and he always will be. Don't allow him to drag you into the gutter.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/08/2022 20:36

Well done, OP. Is your sister still with you? Take care of yourself.

you have done the right thing. The next bit will be harder but you can do it.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 20:40

.Mate I think he'd have Bern shagging you mate if she'd reciprocated his flirtation etc.

And your work colleague seemed to know something about him too.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 20:41

He keeps messaging me.
But I can't look at them not tonight anyway.
My sister left I just needed to be on my own
MN you are all amazing your stories sad but you came through it .
One day I will too.
But I will not be with him, I think we will sell the house I will need my own place to make new memories.
What a shit day....

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 20:42

*your mate

AdamRyan · 17/08/2022 20:46

Huh
"Enjoys the chase" .... of women he's paying. He's full of shit.

He does know why he does it. Because he likes the variety online gives him. Because he feels entitled.

Well done for getting him to go

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 20:52

Yes think he's shaged half of Camden Town.
Apparently he always used a condom.
How very good of him

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/08/2022 20:53

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/08/2022 19:27

God that's horrific op. I dont understand why he wants to get married when he's doing this all the time.

So he has a safe haven from where to carry out all his filth.

EarthSight · 17/08/2022 20:54

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 20:07

Hes gone.
A summary of what he said.
He needs the attention but doesn't know why.
They mean nothing enjoys the chase.
His job is stressful and thinks that's why he does it.
I am his world and couldn't live without me.
He wants to marry because I am beautiful on the inside and outside
He knows he's got a problem and will seek help
He wants to be honest and not feed me lies...

I'm so sorry OP. I've read a few of your posts and they just get worse and worse. I've got to the masturbation videos, the files, the escort site.

He needs the attention but doesn't know why
He just likes the attention. There doesn't need to be a deeper meaning to it than that, although it can be complex in some people. Some people's need for attention will never be satisfied. They'll always be hungry.

They mean nothing enjoys the chase
Bit of a cliche isn't it?

His job is stressful and thinks that's why he does it
Lol. This is brilliant XD. Such rubbish. He does it because he loves it. He likes the thrill, the high. He wants to have a stable relationship and do this as well. Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

He knows he's got a problem and will seek help
He's saying that because it's what you want to hear. He thinks it's his last shot at keeping you and will say anything to do this. It dpesn't mean he's truly remorseful or that he actually thinks it's a problem. Most likely, he thinks you are making a big deal out of it and once the waters are smoothed, he can carry on with his merry ways.

He wants to be honest and not feed me lies
No he doesn't. He didn't tell you about any of this for a reason. He knew it was crossing the line within your relationship.

EarthSight · 17/08/2022 20:57

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/08/2022 20:53

So he has a safe haven from where to carry out all his filth.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky Because he wants to have his cake and eat it? Some people want a nice loyal partner who doesn't get up to stuff like this....but it's not that they're planning on following the same behaviour though! They want a nice home, comfort, and the stability of one woman whilst still having a bit of fun on the side.