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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner with porn addiction

151 replies

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 10:32

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 17/08/2022 21:00

I really can't look at him the things he said he wanted to do to these girls was heartbreaking, telling them his OH doesn't understand his needs...
Her telling him she would make him her everything
I think he was paying but he's got his own account so I can't access it

This is sad OP. He clearly doesn't mind, or has already been visiting prostitutes.

jammiewhammie65 · 17/08/2022 21:01

Dear god no. 3 hours in the middle of the night waning off to porn and cam sites arnt free. I would not trust him as far as I could throw him his porn sick. I really couldn't be arsed at early 50s to be entertaining his shit. Dump him

Kateandherbush · 17/08/2022 21:01

OP, I’m so sorry😓 what an absolutely disgusting sleazebag cunt he is! please don’t be sucked back in by his pathetic ‘woe is me’ bullshit.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2022 21:02

Thing is @Thedownside He probably does in his head mean what he said straight after being caught but with someone like this it's a very ingrained obsession and I think the temptation will always be there - I suspect he likes the buzz of the illicit and you will tie yourself in knots wondering what shit he's up to and turning yourself into 007. You are clearly an attractive and intelligent woman - the guys a total idiot - he wants the attention?? What is he seven!!

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 21:12

When j met him I though he was so funny really made me laugh and very easy on the eye.
He seemed to be different from all the men I knew in London not full of himself and was down to earth .
I never saw the man he really was not until the last six months .
Thinking about it now he was suppressing the real him little cracks appearing while the real him was living a double life .

OP posts:
ScarlettnotOHara · 17/08/2022 21:21

You will probably find a lot more than just porn !! He probably meets with other women . Save yourself a lot of heartache and don’t marry this guy ! They never change however much they promise 😞

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 21:37

I never wanted to get married he was the one who wanted the whole vacation wedding.
Thank god I found out who he really was .
a lying cheating shagging ++nt

OP posts:
ScarlettnotOHara · 17/08/2022 21:44

I will DM you !

Namenic · 17/08/2022 21:45

OP - I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But you will look back on it and you will have made a lucky escape. Well done for taking swift action and sending yourself the proof. Don’t fall for any of his excuses. And get an STI check in case. Sending you good wishes.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 22:01

EarthSight · 17/08/2022 20:57

@Shehasadiamondinthesky Because he wants to have his cake and eat it? Some people want a nice loyal partner who doesn't get up to stuff like this....but it's not that they're planning on following the same behaviour though! They want a nice home, comfort, and the stability of one woman whilst still having a bit of fun on the side.

You have women working as "Escorts" (prostitutes) cam sex workers, other sex workers who exchange images, videos and fo "phone sex" via messages etc, young women on hook up sites .....generally do not make for socially acceptable, well rounded, super presentable, respectable etc partners for 50 something men with (grown up?) kids. While occasionally 50 something men get into relatmships with young women it's the exception rather than the rule and even as a good looking for his age with a job etc ... the vast majority of the sexual & romantic interaction he had with young women is paid for.

Even if he pulled a young woman as a partner, his family's reaction, society's reaction, the likely financial disparity, the lack of shared life experience, the not being from the same peer group, the insecurity & stress of wondering how long a much younger woman is going to.stay with you (when she probably had options with younger men), the likelihood of her wanting to have kids and returning to the screaming, shitty nappy phase etc etc .... all make it unfeasible for many men.

But he doesnt really want only one younger woman anyway. He wants several.

This behaviour to op, who "doesbt understand his needs" while apparently being everything he wants amd his world - mmhmm ... seems to me to be a type of boarding (like gay and bi men who.usd women as beards, but to disguise/have his cake and eat it re poygyny, which is what he seems to want).

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 22:04

*a type of bearding

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 22:10

I would suspect he tries it on/is up for it in general too.

Something about your work colleague's comment. That's a really pointed, negative thing to say to a loved up, coupled up woman.

Also your mate was brave enough to tell you about his behavior to her, other people may have taken the "not my business messenger always gets shot" attitude so many women on here espouse .

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 22:16

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 21:37

I never wanted to get married he was the one who wanted the whole vacation wedding.
Thank god I found out who he really was .
a lying cheating shagging ++nt

You're an age appropriate, beautiful, well adjusted, respectable lady with equity from your previous homes, grown up/no hassle kids, and probably a lovely person (good for company and emotional support) ... of course he wanted to lock you down. And of course, with his proclivities, he'd like to appear well adjusted, stable and respectable.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 22:40

LooseGoose22
Thank-you for your kind words.
I really think that's what he wanted.
I am low maintenance ,cant be bothered with drama ,always worked have my own money .
He doesn't need to look after me .
But this seems to have worked in his favour.
I travel alot with work and this gives him the freedom to continue his other life

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2022 22:44

@Thedownside He's a bit of a sad dickhead really at his age - what's just as upsetting is realising you've been involved and taken in by a sad dickhead , because I'm betting you are a smart cookie too - you are worth way more than this and he knows it too

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 22:56

I will need to get a STD test ASAP.
You can also get nasty infections from oral sex even if he did wear a condom.
This is really upsetting , maybe I have had a STD but never knew.
Its been going on for years all this shit

OP posts:
Ladylovesbooks · 17/08/2022 22:58

middleofthelittle · 17/08/2022 13:36

100% my stance.

He does not respect women and those women are exploited wether they agree to that or not. Being paid is cohesion and is bribed consent.

Gross I couldn't be with him

Absolutely agree with this . There is ZERO way he knows for sure what he is watching is all legal consensual and the ‘women ‘ are actually women and not girls … and apparently he had no problem with that

Ladylovesbooks · 17/08/2022 23:05

Oh wow just read the updates … I’m so sorry you are going through this shit , what a nasty piece of work he is . I hope you are ok

Namechanged4today · 17/08/2022 23:12

OP - he'll likely try to talk you around with how he'll "get help". It's an addiction from hell and incurable. And his struggle with it would suck the life right b out of you. Glad you cancelled the wedding. Far too many women waste their lives with these wanking losers.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 23:29

Nothing he can say will ever change my mind.
He has tried to call me all night and message me.
I have blocked him ,I need to decide what I need to do and get a plan of action for me moving forward.
He will need to find somewhere to live .He can afford it
I am not moving out but I think I may get a lawyer to help me negotiate selling the house.

OP posts:
Namechanged4today · 17/08/2022 23:32

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 23:29

Nothing he can say will ever change my mind.
He has tried to call me all night and message me.
I have blocked him ,I need to decide what I need to do and get a plan of action for me moving forward.
He will need to find somewhere to live .He can afford it
I am not moving out but I think I may get a lawyer to help me negotiate selling the house.

Winegood.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2022 01:08

You're a remarkable person, op. You've just been handed an unbelievable shit sandwich yet you are still levelheaded and adhering to your personal standards. I'm so sorry about all of this.

LooseGoose22 · 18/08/2022 09:33

Namechanged4today · 17/08/2022 23:12

OP - he'll likely try to talk you around with how he'll "get help". It's an addiction from hell and incurable. And his struggle with it would suck the life right b out of you. Glad you cancelled the wedding. Far too many women waste their lives with these wanking losers.

Yeah, with behaviour like this, going on for years (sometimes decades) its interesting that these (often professional men who are plenty smart, shrewd, capable in general) never ever decide they.have an addiction and need help; until they're caught out by their partner and don't want tk dace the consequences of their behaviour, deception.

Years in which they could've gotten "help" but felt it was unnecessary, dud nothing about it, abd went along their merry way.

The addiction, counselling angle is just to portray them as a type of victim, as not fully responsible and to manipulative their partner into not ending the relationship, at the veryblesst giving them a reprieve from which they think they can worm their way back in with apparent good behaviour, love bombing etc.

Their values are the real issue, something they'll never admit.

Thedownside · 18/08/2022 10:34

LooseGoose22....He turned up at my door at 8am absolutely distraught.
Begging me to reconsider taking him back.
Trying to make out we can become stronger after all his philandering.
What about me how do I feel stronger knowing you have shagged half of London.
Its the time and effort he put into this other life that I just can't get my head around.

OP posts:
Thedownside · 18/08/2022 10:45

I haven't slept a wink so going to bed.
Made a appointment with a lawyer and got a test booked .

He took some items away with him so hopefully he will give me space.

I told him we need to sell I need to move on with my life .

OP posts: