Partner with porn addiction

[Thedownside]

Hi everyone
This may be a long thread so please be patient.
My partner and I have been together 5 years lived together for 3 years getting married next year.
We are both early fifties had previously relationships our kids are grown up and living their lives .
I asked to use his phone mine was charging needed to phone a friend on WhatsApp hes got her number too a mutual friend.
I saw he had a open tab with a cam site and asked why did he have a cam site on his phone, he said its just porn I said I don't want him visiting cam sites its crossing the line you can interact plus they cost a fortune.
His response was he just looks doesn't pay and never would.
So I couldn't get it out of my head what if he is going on the cam sites and just fobbing me off!
I decided to check his phone when he went to bed I know I will get You shouldn't do that!! But I am going to marry this man I need to know what I am marrying.
His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day. There are cam sites too in his tabs but couldn't see if he was paying.
There were hundreds of photos of naked women all ages from porn sites
I just kept going down his Google search history it went on and on.
The next day I confronted him and said I saw everything and he said its just porn 99% of men watch it .
I replied but your obsessed, its made me feel like shit, my body doesn't look like a porn star ..
Then a week later I found he had a profile on xhamster hd joined in 2020 .
You cam receive and send messages to people. He hadn't uploaded a picture of himself but I am now questioning why would he have a profile?
Can those MN who have had similar issues with OH that do this tell me how to move forward.
I am still in shock .
Haven't told him I saw his profile.

Loosegoose is right....this is about core values and he is going to find it very hard to figure that out for himself and to change it.
The best lesson you can teach him is walking away.

And you deserve so much better than him

Turning up distraught? Sorry, he’s a selfish nut-job and emotional retard. Couldn’t see the truth about himself if you bashed him in the face with it. Ugh. Crying for himself. Just ugh.

What about what you’ve been through? Hoodwinked for 5 years. Finding out his secret in the most awful way?

Sone general thoughts. Yes, there were probably a couple of signs along the way, but often IME it’s only looking back we see their full significance. Maybe it’s just my experience speaking, but habitual or self-excusing porn use is a bad sign. Any new partner or boyfriend I think it’s a good idea to get at least a general vibe/sense of this before commitment (or even sex). Maybe through general chitchat or direct question I’m not sure 🤔.

(That said, the most level-headed of us overlook a couple of things maybe, or we’d never get out the door! This is my experience anyway. Especially if we are hoping for some love in our lives. It’s hard to ‘be on guard’ all the time. But spidey senses can sometimes give a helping hand. That clue, eg that sudden odd or confused ‘feeling’ or dissonance about what someone has said or done, which doesn’t chime with us or our values.

Anyway OP, I’m glad you’re so resolute. Makes it easier. Leave him to his grime and squalor. Forwards and upwards with living your life. You will be free.

Well said!

Friendofdennis
Well said!

You have started a thread about it, so it's clearly something you are very worried about. You tried to discuss your feelings but he disregarded them and minimised the issue. Even if you got him to agree to limit his porn use, he wouldn't, he would just get better at hiding it. The question is, so you want to spend the rest of your life like this? If he doesn't care what you think and feel now, he sure as hell won't once you're settled into a marriage and way past the honeymoon period.

His history is full of porn from 3am to 6am every day

This is next level obsession/compulsion..

There will also come a point (with this scale of behaviour) that porn alone will no longer be enough.

I certainly wouldn’t marry him and would think long and hard about whether you want to continue with this relationship.

Jesus Christ I’ve just seen the updates 😳

Turning up distraught? Sorry, he’s a selfish nut-job and emotional retard. Couldn’t see the truth about himself if you bashed him in the face with it

This!!

Please keep him out of your life downside, you deserve so much better than this revolting specimen.

🌺

Hi ladies
It was a very rough day yesterday!

I just wanted to let you know this will be my last post.

I went for lunch with him, He said he will let me sell our house and he will do anything to make it easier for me to move on....

We both were very upset but he knew I would not be swayed into staying in the relationship .

He doesn't want anything from inside the house just his personal belonging.

He spoke openly about his issues and feels he probably won't be able to change its just the way he is !!!!.....

I told him he hadn't broken me ( the truth is he definitely has) Thankfully I found out before we married .

Once the house is sold which won't be long hopefully.
I intend to go travelling, time for self reflection.....

Thank you MN you really really helped me to realise the person he is.
A liar, cheaters and total manipulater....

If any woman reads this post and they think that their OH are up to know good, Find the evidence and when its found don't look back when you kick them to the kerb ..

Xxx

You've done the right thing op. My exh had a massive porn addiction. It completely ruined our marriage. He's remarried now and apparently he's still exactly the same. They never change. Take some time to recover and move on.

A giant hug op, at least he isn't doing the 'you've got it all wrong' performance and I doubt he will change- sad thing is no lovely woman will put up with him if he gets caught out.

I think we're all different. My DH is addicted (although in theory he's not doing it anymore) but as long as he doesn't spend a penny on it, I couldn't care less. I know I'm in the very, very small minority though.

I am in a similar situation. I've just left my husband after 25 years. He has addictions to porn and alcohol. My anger and pain is immense. Overwhelming in fact.

You sound so strong and determined. I'm sure you will begin to second guess yourself or feel sorry for him. Please don't. It truly is a script. Right now he will be pushing buttons to see what you react to. Don't be fooled into thinking he feels actual remorse.

So for me this would be a red flag, from the amount you describe.
I had a partner who was like this and eventually admitted to using prostitutes too (for years when single and when we were together too!). Was able to compartmentalise that part of his life and hid it well, but it turned into a huge problem.

I don’t have an big issue with porn but the amount and kind you watch definitely matters; it can kind of warp your brain a bit to constantly be looking at women as sexual objects.

Sorry just read the updates! You’ve been brilliant OP.

Hi MN

Thought I would update this Thread.

.Well its a couple of months later and the house is sold..

Still living here but will move out middle of October.

Taken 6 months off from work and going travelling like I said I would, so many places to visit really looking forward to it..

After finding my partners sordid double life and making the dissission to leave the relationship... I did have a very terbulent time with my MH and didn't really leave the house for a good few weeks.
Lost a stone which made me look dreadful but thankfully had my friends and family to nurse me back.

My EX, well he's a shadow of himself, self loathing and desperately unhappy .
I couldn't take on his pain and nor would I allow myself to be drawn into any conversations about a future together after he seeks help.

Hes openly admitted hes spent a fortune on escorts paying outlandish amounts to have the( high end girl) but they never quenched his thirst .He doesn't know why he did it now.

Unfortunately he knows he won't ever be able to have a proper relationship again.
He knows it would be a lie..

It will be a long road to get back to who I was but I know time heals.
I will be me again.....x

Its a couple of weeks not months?
Anyway wish you well !

Good for you, remember how he acts defines him and it's no reflection on you. You deserve so much better and you sound so strong that I am sure you will find it. Enjoy your travels, how brave and amazing they will be x

You should be so proud of yourself for not tolerating this vile filth. Onwards and upwards.

It is a turn off yeh
I'd also wonder if he's trying to set up a defence for later

he said its just porn 99% of men watch it.

My partner watches porn occasionally, I do too.

He's not just watching porn. He has a very heavy, significant porn habit.

On top of that he appears to be using cam sex sites, which is a level beyond, and crosses the line.

I don't think he's going to change. In fact all.hid minimisation and normalisation suggests not remotely.

I wouldn't even call it an addiction, that's kind of paving the way for "he can't help.it, it's an affliction, the poor thing" I wouldn't go there.

He's just a very heavy porn user - likely cam sex user, and I'd happy doing that and sees nothing inappropriate with it while he's in a relationship.

I'd he getting rid of him tbh. You can do better. Women often endure these situations for kids etc til they're grown up or cause they're broke/have no earning power etc. You don't have to, you're not in that position.

Oh sorry op, I didn't see your update.

And I hadn't even seem the prostitution discovery; but I'm not surprised.

Bit of a zombie people!

My partner has a porn addiction and I recently found out he’s been going into work early to watch it. Not only that he’s been lying about it when confronted and made me feel like I was going crazy, I even booked an appointment to see my psych as I have a bipolar diagnosis and started to think I might be poorly. Our sex life is none existent and it takes away the closeness in our relationship. Is there anyway back from this? We’ve been together 10 years and he shows emotion towards this, however I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. Has anyone gotten over something like this and if so how?

You should start your own thread - go back to the relationships board and click "add thread"

I think you'd be better off without him, not from the point of view of the porn necessarily but because he's lied and gaslighted you to the point its making you fear for your sanity. That destroys trust and will just fester. I've been there, stayed for 5 years but it wasn't worth it and my life would be easier now I think if I'd trusted my instincts and left the first time.

Good luck!