Sex gone from marriage, feels like there is no way back

[thelastkingdom]

First time poster here - really looking for a female opinion please :-) Apologies for the long post.

I have been with my DW for 17 years and we are both in our 40s. We have 3 children. Our sex life was good for many years up until we had a second child, then my DW just wasn’t interested. I could understand it at the time as we had one child after another, so it was a tough time balancing the two children and working etc. However, as time went by and the children got older it didn’t get any better, my wife never instigated it, and I didn’t want to push too much so it happened very rarely (once / twice a year). Apart from that the marriage was great. Then when my second child was around 5ish it was getting easier, and we both decided that we would like a third. I did say something along the lines of “for a third we will need to have sex more often and if you are happy to do it for a child then why can’t we do it more normally?” She agreed that it wasn't fair that that side of the relationship had been overlooked and promised it wouldn't happen again. So we threw ourselves into non stop baby making which we both enjoyed.

However, after my DW became pregnant It soon stopped and never got started. My youngest DD is now 5 and despite trying for the last 5 years it’s just not really happened or very rarely. I do bring it up a few times a year and I just get “Stop going on about that” or various excuses. I have suggested we can go for counselling / therapy etc. I have asked if she still fancied me and does she want to be with anyone else - she said no and that she still fancied me. My DW works part time , I work full time from home so I try and help her as much as I can.
I am a very hands-on dad, I do all the school runs and most of the homework with the kids. I spend my lunch breaks preparing dinner so when my DW gets home at around the same time as the kids there is dinner on the table. I take the kids to clubs, put them to bed etc. I often take all 3 out on a weekend to give my wife a break. I am the main breadwinner and pay for all the bills and the many holidays we have a year – we are very lucky. I can’t physically do anymore. I dedicate my life to the kids and family. I feel like I am being the best husband and father that I can be. But….I just want that special thing and its just missing! It makes my life complete, it’s something I need. The need to feel wanted, the passion the excitement! Without it I feel down, unwanted, jealous of others – why me? what am I doing wrong? am I rubbish in bed? I love foreplay / oral sex etc so hopefully its not that! I even feel slightly used that after the third child I have perhaps “done my job” and that’s it! I have been as patient and understanding as can be. Unfortunately we don’t have much childcare so we only get a few weekends a year child free so I always try to make sure it’s a special time. Last one was a long weekend in Ibiza!

Where do I go from here? is that it now for life? I would be grateful for any thoughts and advice!

These threads aer quite frequent and there is never an easy answer! Have you talked to DW about your feelings of being unwanted etc? Maybe she doesb;t realise that you actually NEED it on an emotional level, not just the physical, rather than see it as a bonus but ultimately can easily go without as you've done that for years!

I don’t know what to suggest to you but I am in the same boat. I’m a woman though!

I literally do everything at home. All childcare, all housework, all cooking and shopping. And I work part time. Only 4 times this year, so more than yourself but still, it’s depressing, and there doesn’t seem to be an easy answer. My husband just dismisses it whenever I’ve spoken about it before. Just won’t admit that it’s an issue, although it probably isn’t for him. I can’t break up my family for more sex though.

She just doesn't want to talk about it! "Stop going on about it" is what I get when I even try and start a conversation - I feel like a lap dog begging for it - not a very nice feeling to be honest. On the few times we have it planned in, there is always some excuse on the day. From dryness to periods to headaches to tiredness to feeling unwell after covid jab - you name it I have heard it! I am only asking for something maybe a few times a year - not every week!

Yes its rubbish isn't it! I can't break it up either, the family mean the world to me and I do everything for them. I just want something for me! Sorry if that comes across selfish.

Hi op . I'm glad I have come across this post . Especially from a male. I could be your wife with what you have wrote. Does she seem down about the no sex ? Im assuming it's her sex drive that's gone ? Sorry about such a personal question but is she on any antidepressants? And does she masterbate?

My sex life with my husband was brilliant up until a year ago. In fact I used to get on his nerves with how much I wanted it and he text me one day saying it was putting him off wanting it 😂.

Iv been on sertraline this last year for anxiety and it's ruined my sex drive. I have zero interest in it at all and never ever get Randy. Don't sort my self out either. It's getting me really depressed. Not for myself because I'm not missing out on anything but my husband has threatened to leave me if I don't stop taking my tablets. He can't cope with the no sex.

I still love and fancy him but he doesn't think that I do. I'm just thinking maybe this is why your wife is the way she is right now ?

There's a theory that women get bored of their partners much more quickly than men, and because we are not allowed non monogamy it shows as low libido (you could read Mating in Captivity).There are no easy solutions. Sorry.

You can start an online affair for sex, but what you crave is intimacy, so the risk is that you fall for them and it wrecks the family. Or you can be quite hard hearted and find intimacy but stay with your family - a split self affair. Or you can put up with it.

It sounds like rather than wanting sex, you want intimacy, to feel desired, and to be loved for who you are rather than for what you provide/have provided. The problem is your wife shows no regard for your feelings on this matter. I'd suggest you have one last try at a serious talk with her, when the children are not present, and that you propose joint relationship counselling. If she refuses, and you don't want to leave your marriage, I would have an emotional affair rather than a physical one as this will give you most of what you are looking for without the risks of a sexual affair.

Is she on hormonal contraception? You said you were fine when etc? If so you could offer to get a vasectomy, lots of women find their libido is decimated by contraception.

Female here. I can only suggest to change the conversation to “this is how it makes me feel” rather than what is wrong/what can I do which makes it about her.

Ultimately for reasons we don’t know (and are valid) it may never change but she needs to understand the consequences.

I was your wife in this. It made the relationship claustrophobic for me. The more advances there were, the more under pressure I felt. It all became positively unbearable. Part of it was the guilt and regret I felt about the level of upset this caused my partner. Although I at times felt the reaction was over the top.

I did find my partner attractive, there wasn’t anything specific wrong in the relationship. I think I’m understanding now that beyond the first initial stages of a relationship, I just have a naturally low sex drive. There is nothing wrong other that.

Ultimately, this contributed to the end of the relationship. I did not like being pressured or manipulated into sex. All of that became actively unappealing, to such a degree, that I do not want sex at all in my life now, at least, not anytime soon. It became too big a bone of contention and I couldn’t deal with the stress of it. You don’t want to be going to bed looking forward to relaxing in there, with looming prospect of expectation or disappointment, this killed much of the joy of such times.

The most off putting thing was my partner wanting sex, knowing I didn’t want it, and still trying and pressuring for it in various ways regardless… there was almost a sort of level of coercion or even consent issues in it all that I didn’t like and couldn’t get beyond. It made me feel like the little woman at home in bed and in service thinking of England. The very opposite of exciting.

I thought you might want to hear as honest a perspective from the other side, it may not be as easy for her as you think.

I also think you should try again at having an honest conversation with her. When she dismisses you, she probably hasn't actually realised the true extent of this. This is something you need - and you deserve to have it - and actually, so does she.

She may be telling you to 'stop going on about it' for a huge number of reasons. It might not be that she is just dismissing you because she doesn't care. It might be to do with her own feelings of failure/ inadequacy. She might feel very sensitive about it, underneath everything, and not want to confront it. There is also the possibility that she acutally is a bit less physically attracted to you than previously and is not ready to confront/ admit that fact, even to herself. It's a big thing to admit because where does it lead? Potentially to a break up, which would be really sad.

So you need to talk to her, but you need to be very aware of how she could be feeling, and you need to reassure her.

If she is finding it harder to feel that physical attraction/ spark, you need to reassure her that it's OK (hard as that will be for you as well) - if you want to get to the bottom of this then you both have to be really, really honest.

The good news is that if the spark is a bit lower on her end, it doesn't mean you have to break up. Relationship counselling can do amazing things and reignite it - she just has to care enough - and that means you have to also be super vulnerable and tell her how much you need to feel intimacy. You have to prioritise it, you deserve to be happy, ultimately I don't think you will be happy staying in your marriage without it so you should tell her. This is why people end up havign affairs - because they are scared of having brutally honest conversations and telling each other how they actually feel. If you think this might ultimately end your marriage if you don't get help, then tell her - she deserves to know that.

Good luck x

I not a woman, but I was in the same boat as you during my marriage, I waited until my kids were early teens then separated & divorced.
being alone in your marriage is the toughest thing in the world, it’s soul destroying, but being single and co-parenting is actually better than being permanently unhappy

i know this a mostly female form, but if things don’t get better, go for a separation then a divorce, life is too short to waste on people who don’t want you.

I know that no fault divorce is law now so it should be easier for you than it was for me.

good luck

My friend was in a similar position earlier this year. She was honest with her husband and said she loved him and wanted to stay with him, but that she couldn't envisage the next however many years without sex. It wasn't a threat, she just wanted her husband to know how she felt. They have agreed to open their marriage and that it is okay for her to have sex with other people. They have boundaries and ground rules in place that they both agreed to. So far it seems to be working okay. It's not something I could do, and I don't imagine many wives would be okay with it, but she didn't think her husband would be either. Be honest with your wife and see what happens.

@christmascrackers22 No she seems quite happy! I am not quite sure what has gone but you might be right. Its been many years of little or no sex and for a very short period of that she was on anti depressants - probably about 6 months in the middle of it all. It didn't really make any difference to the sex life at that time. I am not sure if she does masturbate, she goes to bed earlier then I do so she may well be doing but I really doubt it.

In your case I know its tough for your husband as I am in the same boat but if you need to take the tablets for your mental well being then he should be more understanding, I would be if I was in the same boat. You shouldn't come off the tablets What I can't understand about my partner is that ok she is not interested in sex but can we not have fun in other ways but again - she is just not interested. Could that be an option for you instead of full sex - handjobs etc!?

No nothing - no contraception apart from avoiding each other in the bedroom 😂

There is nothing more off putting than being pressured for sex.

if you do indeed pull your weight around the house and childcare (and I’m always surprised that the men writing here always say that they do the majority as it is very rare in real life, in fact I don’t know of any men who do their fair share, never mind the majority).

Then look at having fun together, talk and be intimate in non sexual ways. Be affectionate without expectation. Value her and her brain. Be interested in her.

My biggest sexual organ is my brain. I need the intimacy and interest and spending time together having fun and engaging. If there isn’t that, then sex just won’t enter my mind.

And the second I feel like I need to put out or have a grumpy disappointed man, it becomes an issue. And that isn’t attractive.

But spending time with my OH having fun, talking, laughing, opening up to each other makes me feel really close to him and makes me want to be even closer and intimate.

I’m also very physically affectionate with those I love. I want hugs and kisses and not just when it is about sex.

hth

OP, when you go on your occasional weekends away, do you have any intimacy then?

Here's my women's perspective:
We have long droughts of no sex - a couple of months isn't at all unusual. The longer I go without, the less interested I feel. He doesn't ask, so it doesn't happen and it does make us drift apart as a couple and stray into housemate territory. We still get on well but there's no passion or even physical contact apart from a peck on the cheek when he leaves the house (not always even that). But then something re-awakens the desire (often just the prospect of a teenager-free house and a shared experience, a film, a nice walk together), and we do "it" - and makes us reconnect emotionally.

So while sex not important day to day in our relationship, it really is important for a healthy relationship in the longer term.

Thanks for your point of view. I have always been mindful of that as well, after all I don't want her to have sex just because she feels the pressure. I have tended to only raise the question maybe 2-3 times a year, so not regularly. For the last year or so I have not raised it once or tried anything, to see if that helps but it didn't.

@LittleGreenBeetle We used to do - that was the only time we did, and do you know what - I was happy with that. But it was always me bringing it up etc. But in the last 3 years that has now stopped. At first it was just many excuses on the weekend why it wasn't happening. It really knocked me back, I felt rejected. It sort of took me back to the school disco days and not having anyone to dance with! So for the last year or so I haven't bothered trying and its not happened

@Musti I genuinely do. My DW works in a high school and starts earlier than my kids start school so I have to really do the morning school runs. We don't have time on a night to do homework so I do it around breakfast time, plus I am a bit more pushy on the homework front than my DW! The cooking dinner bit is because my DW doesn't like cooking and wants takeaways etc which is just costing too much!

We do talk and have fun together. I always listen to her about her day at work - she has no interest in mine (tech job). We spend an hour before bed discussing plans, things we need to do etc. If anyone is grumpy its actually my DW - she will admit that, little things bother her where as I am more chilled out.

I do give her regular kisses and cuddles eg on a morning or when she is going somewhere - again its usually me instigating these. Maybe she is no longer attracted to me

Yes, she's probably subconsciously bored of you. There's nothing you can do about it. Women are designed for variety or they switch off completely. If you separated, she would probably re-discover her libido, which I get would be irritating, but is just biology.

Esther Perel would offer hope. You could try reading her book + doing the exercises together. I am more of a pessimist/realist although I did like the thoughtful poster here who suggested you talk to her rather than withdraw - really talk ...

Sex is one of those things that comes into the 'use it or lose it' category and it sounds like your wife has lost it it. I agree with PP that being pressured for sex is a turn off, but it doesn't sound like that's the problem here.

Your wife can't unilaterally decide that the marriage will be without sex for ever more so I think it's ultimatum time. Kindly and without resentment, tell her that you need the intimacy of sex, that you don't want to live without it and that you both need to find a solution otherwise the relationship is ultimately doomed.

I probably wouldn't opt to discuss it; she's made her feelings clear and discussions are most likely going to be considered pressurising and repetitive.

I'd work in building up intimacy away from home. Getting dressed up for a meal out, giving genuine compliments, hand holding etc. all of this WITHOUT the expectation of sex at the end of the night. I suspect you've fallen into a domestic rut whereby you are both so preoccupied with domesticity that you've shelved the sexual side of your relationship.

Build some time for just the 2 of you, away from kids and regular domestic duty. The key thing is there should be no pressure or expectation to perform however