Sex gone from marriage, feels like there is no way back

[thelastkingdom]

First time poster here - really looking for a female opinion please :-) Apologies for the long post.

I have been with my DW for 17 years and we are both in our 40s. We have 3 children. Our sex life was good for many years up until we had a second child, then my DW just wasn’t interested. I could understand it at the time as we had one child after another, so it was a tough time balancing the two children and working etc. However, as time went by and the children got older it didn’t get any better, my wife never instigated it, and I didn’t want to push too much so it happened very rarely (once / twice a year). Apart from that the marriage was great. Then when my second child was around 5ish it was getting easier, and we both decided that we would like a third. I did say something along the lines of “for a third we will need to have sex more often and if you are happy to do it for a child then why can’t we do it more normally?” She agreed that it wasn't fair that that side of the relationship had been overlooked and promised it wouldn't happen again. So we threw ourselves into non stop baby making which we both enjoyed.

However, after my DW became pregnant It soon stopped and never got started. My youngest DD is now 5 and despite trying for the last 5 years it’s just not really happened or very rarely. I do bring it up a few times a year and I just get “Stop going on about that” or various excuses. I have suggested we can go for counselling / therapy etc. I have asked if she still fancied me and does she want to be with anyone else - she said no and that she still fancied me. My DW works part time , I work full time from home so I try and help her as much as I can.
I am a very hands-on dad, I do all the school runs and most of the homework with the kids. I spend my lunch breaks preparing dinner so when my DW gets home at around the same time as the kids there is dinner on the table. I take the kids to clubs, put them to bed etc. I often take all 3 out on a weekend to give my wife a break. I am the main breadwinner and pay for all the bills and the many holidays we have a year – we are very lucky. I can’t physically do anymore. I dedicate my life to the kids and family. I feel like I am being the best husband and father that I can be. But….I just want that special thing and its just missing! It makes my life complete, it’s something I need. The need to feel wanted, the passion the excitement! Without it I feel down, unwanted, jealous of others – why me? what am I doing wrong? am I rubbish in bed? I love foreplay / oral sex etc so hopefully its not that! I even feel slightly used that after the third child I have perhaps “done my job” and that’s it! I have been as patient and understanding as can be. Unfortunately we don’t have much childcare so we only get a few weekends a year child free so I always try to make sure it’s a special time. Last one was a long weekend in Ibiza!

Where do I go from here? is that it now for life? I would be grateful for any thoughts and advice!

Could be; low level depression, Peri menopause/menopause (the irritability you describe might fit with that), contraceptive worries... it's odd that you don't have a contraceptive set up, so you use condoms when you not ttc or just take the risk. There's still a risk she could fall pregnant so you two would need to get some contraceptive sorted in order to remove worry/back the mind worry.

If it is peri/menopause, she would need to see a menopause specialist (not a gp, unless they're v interested in the subject). and see if someone form of hrt or natural.equivalent helps her. She has to be willing to do that of course.

The fact that the jack of sex drive/,interested in sex started 20 yrs ago could just be typical young kid/post kid dynamics where a combo of things kicks sex drive out.

*back of the mind worry

On to the general dynamic;

This is common in long term relationships. Some lucky people are not like this but many are. Sometimes the man, sometimes the woman sometimes both. As someone said, if rhe could gets out of the habit, it can set in long-term.

(There have been studies done on the length of the relationship vs women's sex drive towards their partner; it was inversely proportional in the study).

Part of this is the old conundrum of how to want what you already have.

Now I'm going to be flamed from this point but .... you're too much of a sure thing to her, she knows you're going nowhere, she's knows you're all in, she knows you couldn't be any more invested and committed, she now knows you'll put up with very jnfrequebt sex for years (?) and not leave or cheap. She's too secure.

People have suggested you leave, I suggest you try something of a half way house before you go to that level (where I have no doubt you don't want to go).

You have to look like you are checking out a bit, like you are not as invested, like you are rediscovering yourself and re establishing yourself as a single person, not just your role/,function as a partner and father. You have to carve out some time and solve for you, your hobbies,by our interests- separate from and not involving her. You have to take a renewed/elevated interest in your image - clothing, grooming, fitness. Act like you are single or might soon be. (I don't mean cheat, I don't mean go on dating sites etc. I just mean the mindset.

She needs to feel.you are not a sure thing. She needs to feek you could walk she needs to feel she and your family are not your only focus.

Have you just not asked for oral sex, rather than spelling out to her that you do not expect this of her as you know she does not want it? She needs to know that an acceptance of sexual activity by her will not lead on to something she does not like.

It is OK for her not to like it.

The fact that the jack of sex drive/,interested in sex started 10* yrs ago could just be typical young kid/post kid dynamics where a combo of things kicks sex drive out.

I agree with this. I think conversations can end up about sex when it's really about emotional connection, and sex follows that and can create it too. My husband and I are in a similar position. It helps if we go away without the kids or they are not at home. We hadn't had sex since November until last week. The kids were away. Dh and I had a nice time together, watching films, meal out, and then we did actually both want sex. To be honest it was a bit rubbish as we hadn't practised for so long! But it helped me. I do masturbate but it feels quite empty and I'd much rather have the connection. We had counseling in 2020 and it made a huge difference, it was purely to reconnect with each other but the sex came in at the end. It was a course so when it finished things dwindled again, the depth of conversation as well a sex. We're just really bad at keeping the emotional connection going.

I think you need to talk about your connection with DW and approach counselling from that point of view. You sound like you really need the emotional connection and it's absent. I expect your DW needs it too but the sex issue (guilt, pressure, shame on her side) is actually pushing you two further apart. Try and rekindle saying emotional depth first but without an ulterior motive as that will be sensed. Sex is just one part of a close relationship.

The advantage of doing the above (which may seem like a good bit of effort) is that regardless of what happens, you will ferl.better physically and mentally if you establish and prioritise some new hobbies , time for yourself , a change of image etc. It will be if advantage to you whether it helps cintinue your marriage or not.

BTW in terms of not being the sure thing, taken for granted etc that you seem to be; you should know that a non addict, non sexual degenerate, genuine, open to commitment, decent, well.afjustrd, reasonable, good father, hard working man, who just wants vanilla sex and makes an effort sexually etc etc is fkg gold on the dating scene. You would have no shortage of opportunities, you'd be snapped up .. keep that in mind

I think that carrying on like this is no good for either of you.

Laying down your cards that intimacy is part of a loving relationship and that if you don’t have that, your feelings will change and it may cause a split is good. It might spark action on her part or feelings.

Sometimes sex is also the more you have the more you want. Not doing it for a long time can make it become a big thing.

I genuinely don’t understand why people stay in relationships that are so clearly over. Sexless is ok if both parties are fine with it. Your wife is not going to suddenly start having sex after 10 years, she clearly doesn’t want to. You should leave her and find a comparable partner.

Lots of people go off sex after children or when with the same partner for a long time.

If she doesn't want it, your attempts to bring it up will just be really annoying.

I genuinely don’t understand why people stay in relationships that are so clearly over.

Kids, finances, "love", history togethe etc?

Thsts a bit of a disingenuous rhetorical question.

Lots of people go off sex after children or when with the same partner for a long time.

Plus this

Maybe people don't want to break up their kids homes and live in reduced circumstances, just tk replace the situation with another similar one in 5 yrs time.

Do you generally get on or do you fight a lot? Does you DW feel listened to and that you get her? Running household tasks is all well and good but not really conducive to sex. What is conducive to having sex is that you both feel happy in yourselves and that you get each other.

If you fight, what do you fight about?

I agree with pp, use it or lose it. You need to tell your dw that no sex means you are not happy. Ask her if she can see herself having sex ever again and what needs to happen for her to want you in that way.

For me, domestic help is good but I want my man to take the lead and be a bit 'alpha' with me otherwise I am not interested. The more passive and naice he is the less I want him. This is just sexually though 😅otherwise I am all for equal share and equal rights.

@thelastkingdom grim. You say you accept your wife doesn't want sex then talk about things that are "fun" like handjobs. Wtf is fun about a handjob for a woman not interested in sex?!

Also her responsibility to acknowledge that sex is important and that if she never wants it again to be honest about that fact.

@thelastkingdom and you suggest a woman who doesn't want sex site and watches porn with her partner? So she sits there while he wanks over a young, probably coerced woman? How sexy
Do you know women at all?

If my husband never wanted it after several years and wouldn't acknowledge there is a problem I think I would leave. I suspect my husband would do the same. She is within her rights to refuse but seems she only wanted sex for another child. You sound a catch. I reckon you would be snapped up.

Oh and another thought, did your Dw have easy pregnancies and births? Some of my friends who had traumatic births have been put off sex.

@Fivemoreminutesinbed it isn't important to her. And I would say she's made her feelings pretty clear

She says she doesn't want to talk about it. I think they need a sit down and chat. Personally if I were OP I would end the marriage due to lack of sex.

But has he?

@PetalParty I feel exactly the same although still married. I did find out about a very old emotional affair about 6 years ago (this affair was 11 years prior to that) and also about a great deal of secretive porn use and subconsciously I switched off and have never really felt the same on a romantic level. I would understand to be honest now if he did actually want to split but he doesn't and I do care about him . Thing is though if I'm honest with myself I've felt like this after 3 years with anyone. I think I'm the kind of person that would be more into it if we lived separately and saw them a few times a week- I've come to the conclusion relationships are often quite claustrophobic- especially if they don't have lots of local friends or separate interests that get them out

@Fivemoreminutesinbed - that's very hard to tell- OP could be like Kevin in Motherland! He does all that stuff too

For the sake of argument, they could both masturbare/have sex while watching a couple, with the female half being one of the established, older porn actresses (some of whom.own porn companies and produce it) or an ethical porn site etc.

While porn certainly is drenched in exploitation, coercion, misogyny etc ... there is porn that is not. Its not entirely black and white.

And some women do enjoy it. Women apparently respond to.a wider range of visual sexual stimuli than men, studies have shown.