Sex gone from marriage, feels like there is no way back

[thelastkingdom]

First time poster here - really looking for a female opinion please :-) Apologies for the long post.

I have been with my DW for 17 years and we are both in our 40s. We have 3 children. Our sex life was good for many years up until we had a second child, then my DW just wasn’t interested. I could understand it at the time as we had one child after another, so it was a tough time balancing the two children and working etc. However, as time went by and the children got older it didn’t get any better, my wife never instigated it, and I didn’t want to push too much so it happened very rarely (once / twice a year). Apart from that the marriage was great. Then when my second child was around 5ish it was getting easier, and we both decided that we would like a third. I did say something along the lines of “for a third we will need to have sex more often and if you are happy to do it for a child then why can’t we do it more normally?” She agreed that it wasn't fair that that side of the relationship had been overlooked and promised it wouldn't happen again. So we threw ourselves into non stop baby making which we both enjoyed.

However, after my DW became pregnant It soon stopped and never got started. My youngest DD is now 5 and despite trying for the last 5 years it’s just not really happened or very rarely. I do bring it up a few times a year and I just get “Stop going on about that” or various excuses. I have suggested we can go for counselling / therapy etc. I have asked if she still fancied me and does she want to be with anyone else - she said no and that she still fancied me. My DW works part time , I work full time from home so I try and help her as much as I can.
I am a very hands-on dad, I do all the school runs and most of the homework with the kids. I spend my lunch breaks preparing dinner so when my DW gets home at around the same time as the kids there is dinner on the table. I take the kids to clubs, put them to bed etc. I often take all 3 out on a weekend to give my wife a break. I am the main breadwinner and pay for all the bills and the many holidays we have a year – we are very lucky. I can’t physically do anymore. I dedicate my life to the kids and family. I feel like I am being the best husband and father that I can be. But….I just want that special thing and its just missing! It makes my life complete, it’s something I need. The need to feel wanted, the passion the excitement! Without it I feel down, unwanted, jealous of others – why me? what am I doing wrong? am I rubbish in bed? I love foreplay / oral sex etc so hopefully its not that! I even feel slightly used that after the third child I have perhaps “done my job” and that’s it! I have been as patient and understanding as can be. Unfortunately we don’t have much childcare so we only get a few weekends a year child free so I always try to make sure it’s a special time. Last one was a long weekend in Ibiza!

Where do I go from here? is that it now for life? I would be grateful for any thoughts and advice!

She won't speak about it. Could you write her a letter or email? Being kind. But honest. The lack of communication Between you both on this isn't a good thing.

I doubt sitting watching porn and wanking is going to do the trick!

But I do think that putting your thoughts in writing might help - not just talking about what your needs are but explicitly recognising the things she does not want to do and providing reassurance about these; and also recognising that she is entitled to her feelings about it all, as indeed you are.

I think your attitude about your partner being okay about sex when a third child was planned is a little unfair. Many people (men and women) find sex extra sexy when the possibility of baby making is real. Apparently this is not true for you, but maybe it is for your wife. Maybe once that was gone it changed her view - possibly not even consciously - about sex and even intimacy. I think that is something that maybe the two of you might explore with a counsellor.

Also, given her age, she is certainly peri-menopausal, which is a particularly difficult time for many women to navigate. Periods become increasingly more unpredictable, and are often extremely heavy, painful, and debilitating. Her hormonal levels (estrogen, but also testosterone as a PP mentioned) will be dropping. She may even already being experiencing vaginal dryness and minor discomfort during sex, as well as loss of libido. There is increasing evidence that a topical testosterone cream can help with loss of libido, and estrogen creams or pessaries can help with other local, vaginal symptoms.

But you can only explore these possibilities by having an open conversation about how you both see your physical relationship as she moves past childbearing, toward menopause and beyond, but it might be difficult to have that conversation if your wife simply sees it as you “going on about it”. It might help to see a relationship counsellor, and then later, if appropriate, a sex counsellor. (The sex counsellor will help you explore what you both want and need from the relationship, and then give you “homework” - usually not penetrative sex for some time at least - to help rebuild intimacy.). You should be aware that it is very common for women to go off sex completely in their late 40s and 50s. Common, but probably not inevitable, if she is willing to consider addressing what can be a problem for her partner.

These conversations may feel very difficult or uncomfortable for both of you. I think the first step is to convince her to go together with you to help you both talk about it (not a sex counsellor in the first instance, just someone to help you talk about your relationship). I would recommend Relate. Your wife might be able to open up about any physical symptoms she may not have yet discussed with you, but also her feelings about desire and, possibly, feeling pressured and harassed (even if you don’t think you are doing that).

This situation will likely end in divorce.

If sex disappeared 10 years ago, with only a brief appearance to conceive a 3rd child, then it's probably not coming back.

A PP upthread said they didn't want to break up their family just for sex.

But it's not 'just' sex. It's intimacy, fulfillment, excitement. If it is important to you, then you should not have to give it up for life at your age. There's nothing 'just' about sex, and the total absence of it in a relationship is likely a deal breaker for plenty of people.

I'd say if attempts at sexual reconciliation fail, split up and co-parent while you look for a relationship that suits you better.

Just to add - there is a lot of communication generally...just not about sex! I did once say its something I enjoy and desire and she said she is just not into it any more and her body has changed etc. I didn't know what to say at the time really.

I don't think contraception is the issue, it could be solved easily she could make that clear if it was an issue!

Its ok to say leave the marriage but apart from that one issue its generally very good. We very rarely argue, if we do its about petty things about choices of furnishings for the house etc!

I am not perfect, I don't really do much cleaning, washing and ironing - but I will do it when asked.

Juggling the kids and work its very busy as it is, I often have to work when everyone is in bed to make the hours back that I have not done due to school runs etc so I am probably more tired than my DW. I do feel that perhaps I need to start doing more stuff for myself. I would really like to go the gym again but I also feel like I need to be at home to help and put kids to bed etc its a difficult balance. My DW has no hobbies or interests so can't really say you do your hobby one night and I will do mine another and take it in turns for bedtime

My DW has no hobbies or interests so can't really say you do your hobby one night and I will do mine another and take it in turns for bedtime

How old are your dc that you have to help with bedtime every night?
What prevents you from saying I'll be at the gym 2x week? What is it that you are doing with the kids that takes up so much of your time?

Does your dw really have no interest at all? Sounds like she may be depressed.

They are all primary school age (just) - so I tend to get the youngest to bed. Baths / shower reading teeth etc and my DW the oldest two. She might also be putting washing on / changing beds etc.

WillPowerLight has a good way of looking at it. Many other good posts (I’ll ignore the get-some-porn one).

For whatever reason, lower sex drive, ‘captivity syndrome’, not fancying you, it does seem a totally unfair of your wife to refuse to address it. After 10 years it’s just not acceptable, to my mind.

What it comes down to is what you want to do about it, if anything. That you’ve managed to go without sex without 10 years seems amazing for a man with a reasonable libido.

So. Simply put, you can accept this way of life or change it (divorce, separation, open marriage, look elsewhere). You don’t have to rush any decision, but that is the reality.

OP, you've got some really good advice and things to consider here, so I thought I'd just add this. There is a forum on Reddit specific to this topic that you might find a useful ongoing resource.

www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

Yes - she just doesn't really want to do anything. We are both overweight, so I go running when the kids have been put to bed to try lose some of it. My DW won't do any physical exercise, eg we go for a family bike ride she stays at home. We go on holiday and do other physical activities she just stays in the hotel. She likes watching TV and going on holiday really and thats it.

Deadbedrooms 😂that made me laugh.

@SultanOfSwing - thanks for that post - lots of
things to think about.

I'm reading this, actually wondering if it's myself 😂 same industries, lifestyles, kids you name it! Perhaps just 10 years behind you!

So the positive is we've come out of the dry patch so it's possible. I agree with those who have said a dry spell often reduces your want to have it. The more frequent we do it, the more I want it.

I too don't like giving oral and won't now. It's doesn't taste or smell nice and that's my boundary.

Your wife's want of a shower etc before sex is one I fully understand. I don't think guys often understand how musky and yucky it can all smell and feel. As I get older I also find his morning breath difficult to take. I'm just getting more sensory sensitivity I think.

Have you offered to give her a no strings attached massage? No groping, no sex talk. Just an oily massage. Then, as time goes on if she wants them, you can maybe sex it up a little.

But really, I think you need "the talk".

The 'im not happy being in a sexless relationship' talk. She needs to realise that you have valid needs. From what you've said, your desires are very reasonable and she needs to compromise if she wants to stay in the relationship.

Maybe her seeing you have certain expectations, limits, boundaries etc will make her see you as an independent person again and will be enough to trigger her attraction towards you.

In our dry spell (mostly during the TTC period of our children) I hated the thought of sex. I grappled with wondering if I just didn't love him anymore. I found myself feeling very detached and trapped. I don't think I realised how important sex is to lift your mood and feel connected again.

I think, really, it's ultimatum time for you

Two things have jumped out at me from what you wrote. Firstly, you work at home and do all the right things.
Secondly, she is not interested in your tech job.

She is working outside of the house, around other people and so with more variety in her life. You are at home in the same environment most of the time. Maybe -and I say this in the kindest possible way - you have got a little bit too secure and boring? Part of the much loved furniture?
Do you have any hobbies, something that takes you out into a different environment and gives you something different to talk about when you get back? (Please don't become a MAMIL though, that will probably NOT help!)

Does your wife get a chance to do any fitness? It is hard to have a sex drive if you feel lethargic and unfit.

Hope this helps.

(FWIW and this probably isn't your situation, but I have been in your wife's situation and for me it turned out that I was gay. I just didn't have the lust for male bodies, so once the emotional bonding phase was gone, I lost interest. I just never put 2 and 2 together because I was heavily invested in being straight and having a successful marriage. I just didn't want to have sex and couldn't explain it, it was. a gut 'no!' reaction)

If your dw is truly just interested in TV and going holiday (where she remain in the bedroom), do you really have anything in common?

So your dw is a secondary school teacher (or admin staff) working p-t, term-time only, is overweight and just watches TV? At least can you watch some interesting programmes together, something you both enjoy?

I personally wouldn't like a family bike ride and send my dh with the dc but we do many other tings together.

Having 3 primary aged dc is pretty full on though. And, as another poster said, maybe your dw is interested in females?

Your wife sounds soooo boring. She works part time, has no interest in you, stays in the hotel room while on holiday (while you wrangle three children presumably), does nothing but watch TV in her downtime... Does she actually do anything to spark joy in your relationship? You say it's all great but you have no time for yourself and she does sod all. I really think you need to look long and hard at what you're actually getting out of your marriage, because you're putting in an awful lot more than your wife.

Your weight might be an issue for her - sorry. I only ever fancied very skinny men and my OH (now deceased) was a stick insect. I certainly could not muster any interest in having sex with a flabby belly in the way! Just a thought .......

His wife is overweight too.

And he's running to try to lose it.

No it’s not. He’s clearly unhappy and not getting what is a major aspect of an adult relationship. They have 3 primary school children so they cannot be very old. Would my husband be happy to stay if I told him no sex ever again… probably not.. despite the fact we have a child, love each other and have a long history. And I’d feel the same…

If I'm being honest OP it's not a good idea to say 'do you fancy me' - for someone who clearly doesn't want to split in her case (and sounds like she doesn't) do you honestly think she's going to say NO - not in that way. . Most of us really wouldn't to be so hurtful- but a great many think it, both men and women at various points, and even if you are overweight yourself you can still find your partners weight off putting- hypocritical as that sounds. I need to lose a few stone myself , but if im honest I don't find beer belly's or man boobs remotely appealing.

And, as another poster said, maybe your dw is interested in females?

It's more likely she's just suffering from peri/,menopausal, post kids, long long relationship lack of sex drive .... than that she's a closet lesbian.

I've had that (even before kids) and am in a sexless marriage (which like op's we only broke to ttc) and in the early year or two, we wouldnt have eaten for hours because we couldn't stop shagging long enough to break for food.
It's the way it goes sometimes.

You're still ignoring all the reasons some couples stay together in spite of poor sex life lives or no sex lives. It's not uncommon. Because those reasons are significant and compelling.

Sex os not the be a and end all for some people, it doesnt trump other factors on decisio making it's not that simple.

Would my husband be happy to stay if I told him no sex ever again… probably not.. despite the fact we have a child, love each other and have a long history. And I’d feel the same…

She hasnt actually said that.

And theyre not in a sexless marriage , they're in one with infrequent sex.

And, as above, lots and lots of people don't leave for a sex life- either until their kids are grown up, or or all.

Maybe there is another man?

Op, a menopause appointment for her possibly counselling for her, possibly couples counselling, and the steps I suggested for you above, are worrying trying before splitting.