Sex gone from marriage, feels like there is no way back

[thelastkingdom]

First time poster here - really looking for a female opinion please :-) Apologies for the long post.

I have been with my DW for 17 years and we are both in our 40s. We have 3 children. Our sex life was good for many years up until we had a second child, then my DW just wasn’t interested. I could understand it at the time as we had one child after another, so it was a tough time balancing the two children and working etc. However, as time went by and the children got older it didn’t get any better, my wife never instigated it, and I didn’t want to push too much so it happened very rarely (once / twice a year). Apart from that the marriage was great. Then when my second child was around 5ish it was getting easier, and we both decided that we would like a third. I did say something along the lines of “for a third we will need to have sex more often and if you are happy to do it for a child then why can’t we do it more normally?” She agreed that it wasn't fair that that side of the relationship had been overlooked and promised it wouldn't happen again. So we threw ourselves into non stop baby making which we both enjoyed.

However, after my DW became pregnant It soon stopped and never got started. My youngest DD is now 5 and despite trying for the last 5 years it’s just not really happened or very rarely. I do bring it up a few times a year and I just get “Stop going on about that” or various excuses. I have suggested we can go for counselling / therapy etc. I have asked if she still fancied me and does she want to be with anyone else - she said no and that she still fancied me. My DW works part time , I work full time from home so I try and help her as much as I can.
I am a very hands-on dad, I do all the school runs and most of the homework with the kids. I spend my lunch breaks preparing dinner so when my DW gets home at around the same time as the kids there is dinner on the table. I take the kids to clubs, put them to bed etc. I often take all 3 out on a weekend to give my wife a break. I am the main breadwinner and pay for all the bills and the many holidays we have a year – we are very lucky. I can’t physically do anymore. I dedicate my life to the kids and family. I feel like I am being the best husband and father that I can be. But….I just want that special thing and its just missing! It makes my life complete, it’s something I need. The need to feel wanted, the passion the excitement! Without it I feel down, unwanted, jealous of others – why me? what am I doing wrong? am I rubbish in bed? I love foreplay / oral sex etc so hopefully its not that! I even feel slightly used that after the third child I have perhaps “done my job” and that’s it! I have been as patient and understanding as can be. Unfortunately we don’t have much childcare so we only get a few weekends a year child free so I always try to make sure it’s a special time. Last one was a long weekend in Ibiza!

Where do I go from here? is that it now for life? I would be grateful for any thoughts and advice!

That sounds extremely unlikely from op's posts.

I'm the wife OP is describing 😂. Not literally lol but the situation is kinda similar in our household. The only difference is I'm trying to take steps to change that because I know how important a healthy sex life is in a marriage. DH has complained several times and I kinda feel sorry for him. The other day I was even researching on how to get my libido back because I literally have none at all.

And it's not that I don't fancy my husband but I just can't be bothered and I'm always tired after working full time and taking care of DC although my husband does pull his weight so I can't complain. My contraceptive I think plays a huge role in my loss of libido, at the moment I kinda just get on with it just to keep the peace but I want to get back to the point where I actually want to.

I note that your wife has been/is on anti depressant - that may have a lot to do with it. Hope it works out for you guys x

Absolutely spot on! Are you me? Except there is no man, and I have never been married. Perhaps this specific subject had a part to play in that…

I think it’s helpful to go out and do exciting outdoor things together, get the adrenaline going, experiencing new thrills, rather than at home watching television and suggesting early nights (pressure/awkward). I would rather surf the web or sleep, I just wanted to be left alone sometimes!

And interesting that, OP mentioned being asked to shower before bed, or showers before going out… this might be a crucial element for the OP’s spouse… sex does release particular scents for some people sometimes, that could be another significant deterrent… also something someone may not want to say out loud… if the lower sex drive person is nice and clean and wants to enjoy a clean bed that evening and beyond (which it may be that they’re the only one interested changing sheets and keeping them clean)… then sex can be too much of a faff and can seem like work when you want to just rest!

Do you change sheets / do laundry, OP?

Honestly, the only practical thing you can do is insist on talking about it. Overcome your awkwardness; don't let her fob you off.

When one partner says We Need To Talk and emphasises how serious it is, that means the other needs to listen. It doesn't matter what the subject is - could be sex, money, housework, whatever. But being dismissive of something that's important to your partner is a more fundamental crack in the relationship than not being into sex.

As for why she's not into sex - well, there have been plenty of possible reasons given over 5 pages so far and most of them are plausible. One I might add is that sometimes women (and men) can have sexual awakenings regarding what really turns them on quite late in life, but not know how to express that to their partner. A friend of mine once confided that she'd lost interest in sex - but actually, it was that vanilla missionary sex had never really turned her on and now repelled her. She wanted to be more dominant, but was scared her husband didn't want this and would think less of her.

(I assume she went ahead and communicated this and they worked something out because they're still together 6 years later and seem perfectly happy, and she's never brought it up since!)

Without knowing you, your wife or your relationship none of us can actually know EXACTLY what her issue is though. Literally the only way you can find out is by honest and open communication. That's also how you'll find out what your options really are here (ie, is she prepared to do anything about the status quo - and if not, are you?). And then you proceed from there.

Forgot the whole point I quoted you!

What you describe is exactly what I’m trying to achieve.
I’m now, single living and sleeping alone. It’s utter bliss not to be bothered by anyone day and especially night. I love my alone time reading quietly about subjects that interest me.

I didn’t mind spending half my time with my partner, but I don’t believe every single day and night of mine should belong to a partner! I didn’t want my individual personality lost. It was exhausting as well as claustrophobic.

I didn’t foresee myself being single for ever, but if a relationship does come along, I shall be very happy with going out to do something fun a couple of times awake, and not being joint at them hip, and returning to our subjective homes at the end of an evening. In my current state, I don’t know that I could even tolerate someone for a weekend, unless on holiday with separate rooms perhaps.

Such a high pressure sex situation has left me all touched out, and missing privacy and personal time. My body belongs to me alone once again.
I’m not even missing affection at the moment, although I’m sure I will again, if my previous pattern is any indication.

A part time relationship with minimal or little sex will be ideal for someone like me. Perhaps there are others like us out there.

You need to have an open chat with her, tell her to stop patronising you with her 'stop going on about it' comments and tell her clearly intimacy is an important part of a relationship. She is complacent and is taking you for granted. She either doesn't fancy you or cba, neither is ok.

You've 2 choices, carry on living like a housemate or realise life is too short for constant rejection, leave and find happiness elsewhere. Hard with young kids but I'd imagine constant rejection is harder.

@PetalParty amen to that. I posted earlier about age and the fact it seems to be that we should all be interested ad finitum and I don't think that's realistic for some (both men and women) but doesn't mean to say we don't want companionships/ relationships/close friendships- just different kinds that don't revolve around being 'up for it' or 24/7 contact

Some might assume we just haven’t had great sex… I would say even mind shattering sex isn’t really not that huge a deal.

Maybe it’s a lifetime of deprivation that causes people to obsess about sex, as though it’s the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Maybe if those same people had spent an equal amount of time saturated with it, it really wouldn’t have as strong a hold anymore…?

Or maybe it’s the choice answer to self soothe about the peaks and troughs of life, whereas others find different means of self soothing…

stop going on about it is bloody rude/dismissive. Or else just simply unable to connect on a normal level.

Perhaps your wife has some general “issues” - you mention her lack of interests. So it may be not just sexual, but something else. I do t know what is could be, possibly on spectrum?

Anyway, you do t have to live this way.

you don’t have to

'amen to that. I posted earlier about age and the fact it seems to be that we should all be interested ad finitum and I don't think that's realistic for some (both men and women) but doesn't mean to say we don't want companionships/ relationships/close friendships- just different kinds that don't revolve around being 'up for it' or 24/7 contact'

The op isn't suggesting being interested ad finitum or being up for it 24/7, rather they seem happy with even occasional intimacy which is very reasonable and actually important in a healthy relationship.

Good post.

@thelastkingdom I wish you all the best. You sound like a good guy. I don’t think what you are asking for is too much at all.

I agree with previous posters that a serious, uninterrupted and very honest conversation spelling out that this could be a deal breaker for you is required. She may have valid reasons for not wanting it but what she is unfair to do is shut you down / dismiss your concerns/ needs out of hand without any explanation. That is not loving.

@JaniieJones No my comment wasn't aimed at the OP - but in response to @PetalParty

It's great that a dh writes about this from his pov.

I would love to hear his DW's side of the story, it would be really interesting.

I suspect that the OP and his partner /wife haven't got a good emotional connection at the moment and that his wife is resentful for some reason. Annoyingly, if she doesn't speak up and everything seems harmonious, OP has no way of canning the situation.

OP needs to have an open and honest conversation. If his DW is not up for it and fobs him off with 'don't bring this up again' the next step should be relationship counselling.

What might OP's DW say if she recognises herself in his post?

Menopause maybe ...
Tired
No desire for other reasons within herself
Been so long it feels strange ..
Many reasons don't think it's you though personally it's her issue if she's still with you

I’m a woman and I couldn’t cope with this little sex. For me, it’s an important part of a relationship.
you don’t have to stay in a sexless marriage

Maybe write her a letter saying what you have said here. Leave it on worktop or something when you know she'll have time & space to read it.
If she doesn't make an effort & change things, it may be time to either end the marriage or for you both to agree that you can discreetly have other relationships.
She (and indeed orher commentators) who have talked about pressure need to cop on to themselves. In none of your comments do I hear pressure.
I hear her & one of the others in particular destroying their marriage and their partners self esteem.

My heart goes out to you x

You are in a very difficult position, OP, and your wife knows this. She has got what she wants. Her nest is full, and she has the security of marriage to a good man. Having sex with you has, therefore, served its purpose and she sees no reason to have sex with you again. This situation is not uncommon. Furthermore, she won’t talk to you about it or make any attempt to fix the situation. She believes you are trapped by decency and obligation to her and your children, and she doesn’t even pretend to give a damn about your physical or emotional needs. She doesn’t want to change, sees no reason to and has no intention of doing so.

You have tried to resolve the situation but it appears you are wasting your time. You are in a catch 22. Say & do nothing = no change to the situation & no sex. Attempt to resolve the situation by discussing it and you’re pressurising her = no sex. Heads she wins, tails you lose.

You have to ask yourself some tough questions. Is the lack of sex a dealbreaker? If so, she needs to understand, very clearly, that the marriage will end if the situation doesn’t change. Do you both want to stay married? If so, how would she feel about you looking for sex outside the marriage?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Yes to
This!!

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Absolutely this.
Life is too short to have someone decide your sex life is over for you.
Because that is what she has decided.
It's an ultimatum, no sex or leave.

I'm amazed no one has called you a pervert for wanting to have sex, that's normally where this topic ends up on MN...

@PlanetNormal I wouldn't say the wife wins in any way. It's not a competition. She doesn't want sex, doesn't have desire - she shouldn't make herself

I think this is a really well written and thoughtful post, I’m sure there are more men in this situation then they would really like to admit to.

it certainly sounds like to OPs wife does not see sex as an important part of the relationship for her.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide,

This sounds like what was happening in my marriage.
My husband was very patient and sounds like you, very hands on and kind. It was me that was holding back. I'm not sure why.
He said to me a while back he was very unhappy and he felt he could do no more.
This was a wake up call to me realising I was being selfish. I actually really enjoy sexy with him I was just lazy.
Anyway we've made a commitment to always hold each other every morning and night in bed.
It brings back intimacy with sparks interest again. Spend alone time together and remember why you got together in the first place.
Weight management is a good idea too. She may be feeling hesitant about her body and she may be a bit put off by your weight gain.
Don't give up and leave like so many people do. Aim for a long marriage and be proud you lasted.

So my marriage is on the verge of collapse.. I am the one who does not want sex and I am the one thinking about leaving... Because my husband has harassed me for years for more sex ... I always had lower sex drive but now I'm in menopause it's virtually non existent.. However things deteriorated after we got married... My husband watched a lot of porn... I hated it and never felt enough. When he didn't get sex he would sulk and pout. He would wake me in night for sex and if I said no he would feel rejected and say I didn't love him... When he felt horny he would get his thing out or grab my bits... It was downright irritating when I was washing up or just trying to relax. Every cuddle meant a chance for a quick gr ope. Then the arguments started every time I said no.. It felt like emotional blackmail..I couldn't say no without him saying I didn't love him..like sex was love. At same time he was enjoying his porn.. I went off him sexually... He wasn't tuned into me and when a man behaves like a horny adolescent it is a big turn off for me.. Plus all the drama of I said no.... I think I now have sexual aversion. I freeze up whenever the subject is mentioned.. As soon as I hear if you l over me youd have sex I feel pressure. If he says I'll stop the poem if you give me sex that turns me off too.. I'm not a sex object or stress relief toy... If you recognise any of these behaviours in yourself, be mindful that your wife saying no might be because begging, pleading or guilt tripping for sex is a turn off.. You need to romance some women and emotionally connect. If you are sharp or critical with her don't expect her to feel in the mood. Take time to know her as a person first first.. Take her to buy a dress but don't chase for sex or expect it as a reward of you do some housework. If she says no say you understand change the subject and don't pout. Be tender and don't grab her bits. Make her a cup of tea in morning, treat her like a lady first. If you chase too much she will run