Sex gone from marriage, feels like there is no way back

[thelastkingdom]

First time poster here - really looking for a female opinion please :-) Apologies for the long post.

I have been with my DW for 17 years and we are both in our 40s. We have 3 children. Our sex life was good for many years up until we had a second child, then my DW just wasn’t interested. I could understand it at the time as we had one child after another, so it was a tough time balancing the two children and working etc. However, as time went by and the children got older it didn’t get any better, my wife never instigated it, and I didn’t want to push too much so it happened very rarely (once / twice a year). Apart from that the marriage was great. Then when my second child was around 5ish it was getting easier, and we both decided that we would like a third. I did say something along the lines of “for a third we will need to have sex more often and if you are happy to do it for a child then why can’t we do it more normally?” She agreed that it wasn't fair that that side of the relationship had been overlooked and promised it wouldn't happen again. So we threw ourselves into non stop baby making which we both enjoyed.

However, after my DW became pregnant It soon stopped and never got started. My youngest DD is now 5 and despite trying for the last 5 years it’s just not really happened or very rarely. I do bring it up a few times a year and I just get “Stop going on about that” or various excuses. I have suggested we can go for counselling / therapy etc. I have asked if she still fancied me and does she want to be with anyone else - she said no and that she still fancied me. My DW works part time , I work full time from home so I try and help her as much as I can.
I am a very hands-on dad, I do all the school runs and most of the homework with the kids. I spend my lunch breaks preparing dinner so when my DW gets home at around the same time as the kids there is dinner on the table. I take the kids to clubs, put them to bed etc. I often take all 3 out on a weekend to give my wife a break. I am the main breadwinner and pay for all the bills and the many holidays we have a year – we are very lucky. I can’t physically do anymore. I dedicate my life to the kids and family. I feel like I am being the best husband and father that I can be. But….I just want that special thing and its just missing! It makes my life complete, it’s something I need. The need to feel wanted, the passion the excitement! Without it I feel down, unwanted, jealous of others – why me? what am I doing wrong? am I rubbish in bed? I love foreplay / oral sex etc so hopefully its not that! I even feel slightly used that after the third child I have perhaps “done my job” and that’s it! I have been as patient and understanding as can be. Unfortunately we don’t have much childcare so we only get a few weekends a year child free so I always try to make sure it’s a special time. Last one was a long weekend in Ibiza!

Where do I go from here? is that it now for life? I would be grateful for any thoughts and advice!

It sounds like she could be low level depressed or stressed out working and having a family.

Is she affectionate in other ways? Do you feel like she actually still loves you?

How old is your DW? Could she be perimenopausal? I ask because my perimenopause started in the couple of years after the birth of my youngest and it killed my libido stone dead. Initially I thought it was being tired with the baby, but once perimenopause was identified by the GP I thought it was that. HRT helped with other symptoms but not the libido. I recently saw a gynaecologist privately and got testosterone prescribed (GP said she couldn't prescribe it even though NICE guidelines say it should be considered).

The testosterone has been a game changer. Once again I feel like a sexual being. It's not a dramatic change - but I do think about sex again now and naturally that makes me more interested in initiating it. It took about a month to notice a change. The cost of the consultation was £200 and the testosterone cost £28 on private prescription, which is very worth it to me. One bottle lasts 6 months so it's not a massive outlay over the year.

I was 43 when my perimenopause started but many women do start sooner.

I have tried all that - we had 4 nights in Ibiza, went for a meal out most nights. Dressed up etc, relaxing days at the beach and around the pool. Then before that we had a weekend in Bath, same again. On both occasions I haven't brought the subject up or tried anything. I think thats why I have come here as that hasn't worked!

I think she loves me but she is not very affectionate no. I don't think its stress, she has taken a much easier less stressful job in a high school.

@1Wanda1 She has actually mentioned that once, she is in her late 40s so it could be the case. But if I look back the sex life actually stopped something like 10 years ago, apart from the time when were trying for a 3rd child so I doubt that is the sole reason for the whole time but it could be adding to it now?

Sorry I couldn't carry on a reply after your reply for some reason. I think with women there has to be affection and love to be in the mood for sex with men I think it's different. But what you have wrote on here I see she has not got any problem in that department because you do seem lovely.

That's what my husband has asked a few weeks ago. It doesn't have to be sex but other things but I really can't even think about it. That's how much I am anti sex right now. I gave up the tablets for 4 days and I was so Sick so had to come back on them. I asked the doctor yesterday if I could come off them
Slowly because of the issue and she doesn't think it's the right time for me .

Does she have a chronic yeast infection? Thrush can make sex feel 'raw', itchy and painful. Not only that, but a systemic yeast infection can make a person lethargic. How much water does she drink?

I can understand how irritating it must be to feel that your wife was at it like a rabbit when she wanted to conceive, but after that nothing - you must feel like a sperm donor.

But I can see the other side too. Working full time is exhausting with a family and sex probably feels to her like just another chore, specially as she may be menopausal - or at least subject in some degree to hormonal decline as she reaches this period of life. In general there does seem to be an incompatibility between the sexes in that men's libido is life long, whereas for women there is a decline as they age - I know there are exceptions, but this seems to be fairly general. It makes biological sense.

If she has been on anti-depressants in the past, it may be that there is still a low level of depression - 6 months is a short time to feel the full benefit of them. She does not need to be weeping/suicidal to be depressed. Does she take an interest in activities with the family? Does she instigate these? Can she go out and have fun?

One thing I would mention, because I know it from my own experience. My OH was a very anxious man (and he finished up leaving his full time profession at the age of 42 as he could not cope), and out of the blue he got into porn - I think to relieve the anxiety - I had had no reason to think he was not entirely happy with our sex life. But the result of that was that he was pressuring me to do things sexually that I did not like, and told him so. The end result was that I kept him at arms length because I knew that he would start pressuring me to do these things if I gave him an inch - even though he knew I did not want them. Could there be an element of this in your problem? Are there things that you have wanted from her that she is not happy with?

I hope you can resolve this in some way - I absolutely understand your wish not to disrupt what is otherwise a happy family for one need of yours. But it is clearly very important to you. There needs to be some way of simply telling her what you feel without putting her under pressure - I do understand the "Oh hell, not that again!" feeling that she clearly has. She has to know that you do not plan to leave over this, but that it is something that makes you sad and you would like to be able to discuss it with her.

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.

Just picking up on this: I think she loves me but she is not very affectionate no - it may be that she thinks that any affectionate actions might be interpreted as a come-on. My OH missed out on lots of affection because of this. That made me sad too.

I wonder if the worry of getting pregnant is part of the problem. After my second, I had massive fears about getting pregnant again.

An honest opinion: put a time limit on it and if nothing improves start planning your exit.

You have had some VERY harsh replies on here. She isn’t being fair. It’s one thing not to want it. It’s quite another to unilaterally decide that it’s not happening AND refuse to do anything about it or even acknowledge that it’s a big problem for the other partner. TBH I think he lack of even addressing it is the problem. Your needs are not important enough to her. That must feel terribly hurtful.

100% agree with this ^^, get ready to split as it never gets better, your DW probably has everything she wants right now, you need to plan on how your future is going to look with co-parenting but separated lives.

So many angles on this that others have already put better than I could..

Maybe a harsh one to consider, but in her eyes why should she change or even care? She's got everything she wants, a supportive husband, children, shared parenting etc... Apart from a lack of sex (which she seems happy with) why on Earth would it be in her interest to change anything?

You can't and shouldn't ever cajole someone into wanting sex with you. If you're being the supportive and respectful man you say you are in your posts then you're wasting your time trying to unlock some magic formula which will bring her back to life.

Loads of posters will try and twist this that it's your fault and you're doing something wrong or not enough (run her bath, bring her cups of tea, massage without strings etc). This gives false hope and is basically quite transactional, do xyz and you'll get sex etc....

If you bring it up then you risk coming across forceful, disrespectful, or pressuring. Conversely, say nothing and she'll take the silence as a green light to continue doing nothing and making no effort. You can't win either way and will only invite more upset if you fight over it.

Realistically you have to make peace with yourself that it's over now for your sex life. She knows full well how she feels and what she's doing. Accept it and move onwards with your relationship or leave, there's very rarely a return to the earlier days.

Life's too short to be stuck in a sexless marriage, time to get a divorce and move on.

I was going to say peri menopause too.

@christmascrackers22 yes I think you might be right there. I think with men it is a bit more dare I say it mechanical sometimes! I think you need to the follow the Drs advice, I feel my situation is different as as far as i am aware there are no medical issues. I don't know what you and your partner is going to do in your situation though 😕 There must be something you can do where you are there but not that involved?! Maybe watch some porn together!?

If someone doesn't feel like having sex there is nothing you can do about it. Worse, your being nice could possibly be interpreted as coercion ("he's being nice because he wants sex").

Somebody mentioned a time limit. I would add a frank and non judgemental discussion.

Lay all the cards on the table and ask if you should expect a sexless marriage from now on. Give her a month or so to mull it over and then if she comes back saying that she is not interested in sex ever again you can chose to accept it and take sex off the table for ever or you can discuss an open relationship or you can start separation. But at least this discussion will clarify your options.

You have two options as it stands. Leave or put up with it. Make up your mind which it is and talk to your wife.

Ask her honestly why she doesn't want sex, try to listen to honest answers. If they are valid (you smoke and have bad breath/she doesn't fancy you/she is put off by her own perceived inadequacies/overweight etc) and try to address those. FWIW telling a woman you love her despite the floppy tummy or big thighs is worthless if she feels bad about herself. Help her feel better, improve yourself, change what can be changed and see if that works.

Tell her honestly it's important to you and you will have no choice but to end the marriage. It's not fair on you, and it's not fair either to have an affair and lie about it. You feel unloved, and that's enough excuse to leave a marriage.

@Mischance Yes I just felt like a machine! Just on it morning and night, on one hand I was glad it was regular but on another hand it got a bit much so was glad for a bit of a break after! We are both older so it took a while to conceive as well.

She only works part time in a school - 28 hours term time only. She has deliberately wound down her career to make it less stressful and have more time at home.

She does come for family days out and is fun a lot but also can be a bit miserable short tempered sometimes. She does instigate some of the days out. The anti depressants were really for a particular time in our life where it was difficult. The time has passed so I don't think this is an issue now but I could be wrong

Absolutely not, there is nothing that I am asking her to do that I would think was uncomfortable - its just vanilla sex? She has said she will never give oral sex again - she doesn't like it. I have accepted that and never pushed it. What is a bit odd though is that when sex has happened it had to be sort of booked in, in the bedroom, on a night time both us showered etc. There was just no spontaneity, which I absolutely hate. I want the excitement of coming back to the hotel after a day around the pool and ripping each others clothes off - but no chance of that (and I haven't pushed it either as it will be more rejection eg not yet we have to have a shower to go out or something like that!)

I agree with all your replies saying you need to have a very open discussion with your DW. I also agree that there is no reason for her to make any changes, she has everything she wants for now.
Some people saying that it’s horrible to feel pressured into having sex, which of course it is. It’s also horrible to be in a marriage where you are told that’s it matey, no more sex for you. No one has the right to force anyone to have or not have sex within their marriage.
You should ask her if she’s happy for an open relationship, where you are free to meet up with other women purely for sex. If she says she doesn’t want sex with you and she won’t allow an open relationship then you have to make a decision. You can stay in a sexless relationship which will end up with you feeling angry and resentful, or you can sadly admit this is a dealbreaker for you and look for another relationship with someone who is willing and able to consider your wants and needs in addition to their own. This situation is very common in people who have affairs, rightly or wrongly but that’s the truth.

Honestly? She doesn't feel attracted to you sexually, but is happy to take the help you give running the house and helping with the kids, but it doesn't turn on the desire for you. She may also feel you're only doing it so you get some payback, in the form of sex. It happens to a lot of women after they've had children (not all, I know), before I get jumped on.

How do I know, because I felt the same. I really wasn't fussed about sex, as when I went to bed I just wanted to go to sleep, however in my case, rightly or wrongly, I understood my DH needed sex and intimacy more than I did, so I made the effort and tbh more often than not I did enjoy it, but it was getting over the reluctance to get the whole process going that was the problem. I made the effort for him because was still attracted to him and appreciated what he did for me, but I just wanted to go to sleep and not spend an hour over lovemaking. Some will disagree and think I should'nt have gone through with it if I really didn't want it, but it worked for us in the main.

What you should do about your situation is difficult to say, but you do need to have an honest discussion with her, to try to find the reason for her reluctance and hopefully find a solution that works for both of you.

The more you tell us the worse she sounds. She's really taking the piss here, she has everything her way and doesn't seem to compromise at all.

All the excuses as to why she doesn't want sex as well! It's no wonder so many relationships fail when so many women don't feel they should have to work on the the physical side of things.

Sounds like it's over OP. Time to get your ducks in a row and split up.

I could have, and did, make a similar post several year ago here on Mumsnet OP. It didn't and hasn't got better, but DW now has health conditions making her pretty much reliant on me (although I may well be enabling this).

I can't get out now. So try and make your choice before fate makes it for you.

Yes this