My partner is benefitting from me financially

[Summerrr]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

So what? You could counter that with 'you chose to impregnate me to pave the way to you becoming a cocklodger the fucking doors over there'

Youre allowed to end the relationship for any reason, any time.

He can give you any waffle he fancies, but he knows he’s been having an easy time at your expense.

I know what he is going to say - you chose to have a child with me and now you are kicking me out?!

"You chose to have a child with me & have never stepped up to your half of the care or cost of that child. So yeah - off you trot."

This is on you. You chose to get in a very foolish situation and then to have a child on top of it. What did you really think was going to change? Was his ex magically going to sell her house, his credit rating restored and him suddenly wanting to pay his way after 5 years of a free ride. Come on, wake up op. You made a bad decision after the other and still dithering about what to do?

In a roundabout way, you’re paying for his old house as well as yours. That’s how I’d feel
anyway. Kick him out he adds nothing to your life anyway.

A little harsh there Mumspair1

The OP is at a low point in her life - she needs support not berating for past actions she can't change

To be frank OP why do you even care what he's going to say?

To be honest, I don't know. I must be too empathetic - even if people hurt me, I still care for them not romantically but as a human being. Had I cared about myself first, I wouldn't be in this mess!

Well...I've found knickers that don't belong to me in a wash today!!!! He started going to the gym early in the morning before work. It came from the gym, I'm sure, as he returns from work straight away, works a few days at home when I'm at home too. So when he has TIME? I was looking at those knickers in quite a disbelief! I wonder what explanation he will have tomorrow? I left him a note to return the knickers to the owner...

This!

OP - so are you going to end it or just keep plodding on with him?

Why do you need the back and forth and little petty notes?

just tell him to fuck off
he’s a freeloader and is quite likely an unfaithful freeloader

theres no need for “what do I say, what will he say” dramatics

either continue paying for him and let him cheat in peace or kick him out

I’m hoping you choose the second option

Hello again...so just a little update, I'm not sure if anyone is interested to hear it...but here it is is anyway.

Cheating allegation wasnt true.

I asked however for him to move out. But he has actually completely ignored it - we've been having massive arguments, and he isn't planning to leave.

Where did the knickers come from then?

Sorry , he is refusing to leave your house?

You keep saying his ex lives for free like it's a terrible thing but he's doing exactly the same. He's living for free as you are paying. Get wise. Chuck him out. He can start paying for your child. It will be more than he's paying at the moment

Knickers was his sister's. His mum did washing when he was visiting after swimming pool with our daughter and got mixed up.

Yes, he is refusing to leave my house. He knows I'm very serious about it and once he leaves, there is no way back.

Call the police and get him removed. It is only in your name, right?

Give him a time and date he has to be out, if he refuses phone the police and they will remove him

I think it would be a bit harsh to call a police. The police would only get involved if there was violence. I think he is not staying here for me, he truly loves our child, that's why he isn't leaving.

But he was gone for good 9 months during lockdown as we had a huge argument, and couple of weeks some other time, but this time is different.

I guess he is working on his own plan what to do next - 2 failed relationships and children with 2 women, it must be hard to accept.

I know the police sounds like the nuclear option, but dig deep and use it as a last resort.

Tell him that him and all his stuff needs to be gone by x day at y time, and if he isn't, you will call the police and have him removed. And do it. You'll have made it very clear and he will have given you no other choice if he still refuses.

I don't understand the bit about him having debts but also saving money. I would put money on the fact that he has more debt than you know about is bad with money and has no savings. I think you need to ensure he is super transparent with money and can see his current account app and credit score so that you can find out exactly what the issue is that you are dealing with here. You might find compulsive spending, gambling issues there. If you want to help him tackle it then that's up to you, and only works if he wants to improve, which he might not.

Bottom line here I think is that you need to go back to full time, and work on an exit strategy from him, because chances are at some point you will need it, so you need to make sure you can get along fine without him and he doesn't have any claims over your property or joint accounts with you.

Its early days and good luck

The police would only get involved if there was violence

Well that isnt true at all
he has no right to be there now you've told him to leave so the police can and do remove people in situations like this. mostly they just go quietly when told to by a uniform, it doesn't have to be a big drama or a big deal.

I know what's the debt on the house but I have no idea about his savings. It sounds very bizarre but he kept his savings as a secret, and I never disclosed mine. He had banked on selling his house with good profit but it's not happening. I told him now clearly I'm not buying anything together as he isn't financially credible.

Looking back, it appears we lived like 2 separate people (at some point he told me to buy my own food, even lately, he got angry, I took HIS milk).

It sounds really pathetic, I'm reading this and I can't believe I let myself being a doormat all this time.

I doubt he's got any savings. He's silly to stop paying the mortgage as it will just be more debt that needs sorting out.

You're now tied to him since you decided to have a baby together.

I would go back to work full time & get rid of him. You would probably qualify for tax credits.