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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 12:03

If you could keep your home for years and indefinitely by paying £100 a year, they'd never keep that a secret.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 12:05

outgoings (maintenance payments for his daughter, travel to and from work, debt repayments - all of which come from him stupidly taking out crisis loans/defaulting on payments on behalf of exes who expected him to fund their lifestyles on his less than average wage, whilst claiming benefits of their own).

Its quite striking how many of you are uncritically repeating the line you’ve been sold on the supposedly grasping, feckless exes.

DoNaeWrong · 15/08/2022 12:06

OP you are depressed and stressed because you're having to do all the childcare, all the financial outlay, and he just keeps wading into people's lives, leaving a trail of destruction that he never has to clear up, because people keep making excuses for him or filling the gaps in his wake.

I'm very suspicious about some of the financials you're telling us, i think he's lying and warping reality (£600 to hix ex, the reset on the bank mortgage, whatever...).

The fact is though that none of that noise matters.

You let him move in on the understanding he was to save to better build a life togegther.

5 years (YEARS!) of your time wasted and he's still dragging you back into his messy old life.

You need to move him out, put in a claim for CMS using the official channels, and set yourself up financially and with robust childcare/government top ups so that you haven't got the worst of the childcare/work setup.

At the moment you have the most stressful setup you can imagine - the superficial facade of a high earning partner, but you don't actually have a real partnership, he's just a leech.

Show your DC you deserve more than this leech.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 12:10

I truly believe he has been saving but I don't really know how much he saved up.
How are you not outraged that he has been putting money away while you pay for everything?

He hasn't discussed with me that his solicitor charges £200 per hour
He needs to change solicitor if he is not getting the outcome he wants, after 5 years, at this fee.
If it's even true.
So much of what he has told you simply does not stack up OP.

and we are already quite poor. I think the legal costs regarding children have eaten some of the savings and it's not the end.
You are poor because he forced you to go part-time by refusing to pay his half of childcare.

As someone noted, because of his bad credit no one will give him a mortgage. So all responsibility would be on me again.
Yeah, but you are not going to buy a house with this man. Because you are not insane.

Ive always supported myself and was never interested in other people's money.
Sadly, he is very interested in yours.

However, I was naive to think that once I have a child I still will be able to survive without anyone's help
Tell him - & by extention his expensive solicitor - to stop messing about & do what is necessary to get his house on the market.
He then pays off his debts.
He then stumps up for 50% childcare, & you go back full time.

Sorted.
If he won't do any of this, you'll know what to do about it, no?
Kick the cocklodging arse out, enjoy the reduced costs, & put in your own application for CMS, apply for any single parent benefits you can muster, & enjoy a life of not being financially abused.

I bet if he were no longer able to live rent free at yours he'd stop playing silly buggers about getting his own house sold.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 12:14

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 12:03

If you could keep your home for years and indefinitely by paying £100 a year, they'd never keep that a secret.

Exactly.

He has sold OP such a line.
I doubt any of his wild claims about the mortgage, the maintenance costs, & the legal costs to gain access to his own DC are true.

It's such a well-used line "my crazy ex won't let me see my kids" ....

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 12:17

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 12:05

outgoings (maintenance payments for his daughter, travel to and from work, debt repayments - all of which come from him stupidly taking out crisis loans/defaulting on payments on behalf of exes who expected him to fund their lifestyles on his less than average wage, whilst claiming benefits of their own).

Its quite striking how many of you are uncritically repeating the line you’ve been sold on the supposedly grasping, feckless exes.

What's the betting his ex is actually paying the mortgage, or enough of it to keep the repossession process from kicking in?

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 12:22

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 12:17

What's the betting his ex is actually paying the mortgage, or enough of it to keep the repossession process from kicking in?

Show quote history

That but I quoted was yet another poster but yes, I think it’s a central plank of the moocher’s script to say “it’s not my fault, my ex is the scrounged and the feckless one - and a complete cow to boot - and I’m an innocent victim!” I can’t believe how easily intelligent women fall for it.

Completely agree in OP’s situation that someone is paying enough of the mortgage to avoid repossession and there are only a couple of candidates.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 12:23

Excuse typos. Very fat thumbs today.

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 15/08/2022 12:34

CalistoNoSolo · 15/08/2022 08:16

This is an absolute mess, and it's of your own making. You've allowed yourself to be completely exploited and now you are tied to this loser for ever. I suggest you kick him out, claim fir child maintenance and go back to full time. You have been incredibly foolish and naive up until now, are you going to continue in the same way?

What's the view like up there on that high horse of yours @CalistoNoSolo ? Yes, OP has been naïve, but she is here now and asking for advice, she doesn't deserve a kicking while she is down.

smartiesnskittles · 15/08/2022 13:12

You are being played! Wow he's using you as a meal ticket and to supplement his child maintenance. That man must be clever as well as good looking and obviously sneaky.

Twawmyarse · 15/08/2022 13:39

He's lying through his teeth.

Have you ever spoken to his ex?

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 14:18

@Summerrr are you doing ok today?

I imagine reading the responses on your thread is hard going.
But too many PP have been in similar situations to your own, so please view the more robust posts as 'tough love' ... my own cocklodger cost me thousands to get rid of, & I hate seeing anyone else in the same boat.

Flowers
Naunet · 15/08/2022 14:20

Oh OP, I think this man has told you a lot of lies. Am I right in thinking he’s not (regularly?) seen his kids for 5 years? Do you know for an absolute fact that his ex doesn’t let him see them? Have you been to court with him? How is it taking this long to arrange access?

PacMantra7 · 15/08/2022 14:30

I totally agree with DoNaeWrong

You would be better if you ended this relationship
Put in a claim fir child maintenance
Went back to work FT

He is a liar

LovelyDaaling · 15/08/2022 15:41

Sorry to be harsh but you have made this situation for yourself. You subsidise him by not charging him rent, you have a child together and you aren't married.
He's landed on his feet, hasn't he.

PacMantra7 · 15/08/2022 16:39

You say you are stresses
Please explain exactly what he pays for in your household ?
Is he paying enough ?
If not request more money or kick him out !
Half of council tax
Rent
Half of bills
Half of food
Transport
Money towards your joint child

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 16:44

Op
do you have no friends or family that you ever have spoken to your situation about?

KatyWaits · 15/08/2022 16:46

How do you know he pays his solicitor £200 an hour?

Sorry but you seem to lack curiosity. But have too much trust.

If someone said that to me, I'd ask who they were, call them and check the fees.

Having had complete openness in my marriage over money- shared and joint accounts with it all on spreadsheets - I'm really shocked at how little you know about his income and where it goes.

People don't really live like this when they are in a partnership - not if it's a good relationship.

But the main points are he is saving money not for a bigger home for you and your child, but for himself.

How does that show he has any intention of living with you and your child?

Have you never asked yourself that?

PacMantra7 · 15/08/2022 17:21

Unless you have joint savings together, none of his savings belongs to you

Are you saving together for your joint child ?

djdkdkddkek · 15/08/2022 17:34

For someone so generous with his exes and children…he doesn’t seem to be particularly generous with you and your family.

Hira3 · 15/08/2022 17:48

Fifife · 15/08/2022 10:29

The thing is he has to pay for his previous family. I know that's crappy for you but that's the reality of getting into a relationship with someone with existing children he needs to sell his house and get a court order. Don't have anymore children with this man.

The reality is if he had to pay rent to live elsewhere he would have to pay. Regardless of having another family to pay for. As it stands hes sponging off OP getting a place for free.

GuerlainHo · 15/08/2022 17:49

Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:48

Absolutely. There is a buyer for the house but the ex is refusing to sell it and it's gonna go to repossession. So far she's lived there for free and if she sells the house, she would have to pay a rent (money for the house won't be enough to buy even a smallest property). Must be a real hatred there wanting to ruin someone but it's not for me to comment on

Show quote history

You seem to think you have it all worked out but the reality is it seems you’ve been played…

His lying to YOU. Your paying for him and his kids whilst he is paying for a house he no longer lives in with his ex partner. Whilst leaving you skint and heading for debt.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/08/2022 17:56

Go back to full time work and drop this bum.

It won’t work out. Thank god you aren’t married.

PacMantra7 · 15/08/2022 18:27

You do realise that he could be putting lots of his savings into his private company pension, plus receiving employer contributions & tax relief

Or into any other savings in his name only

To avoid paying you money for your child

Original poster
Summerrr · 17/08/2022 19:37

Thank for everyone's responses - so much valuable advice, I needed to hear this long time ago!. The relationships isn't stable at all right now, and it hasn't been for some time. I know what he is going to say - you chose to have a child with me and now you are kicking me out?!

OP posts:
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