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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

318 replies

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 11:55

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 15/08/2022 13:13

Why would anyone choose to have sex with their partner when they are asleep? They can’t enjoy it, they can’t be involved.

Sapphirensteel · 15/08/2022 13:45

roarfeckingroarr · 14/08/2022 13:29

He's financially and sexually abusing you.

It doesn't matter if you're on the mortgage - you're married so joint owners.

This.
From the things you’ve said about him I am wondering if he targeted a younger woman as he felt she’d be easier to control.
He does sound very controlling and non consensual sex shows his control and “ownership” of you ( in his eyes) I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but putting everything together, it doesn’t sound good.

Dullardmullard · 15/08/2022 13:46

Damnautocorrect · 15/08/2022 13:13

Why would anyone choose to have sex with their partner when they are asleep? They can’t enjoy it, they can’t be involved.

To control and from this OP gaslighting into the bargain and having her on the back foot ALL the time.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 14:17

Sapphirensteel · 15/08/2022 13:45

This.
From the things you’ve said about him I am wondering if he targeted a younger woman as he felt she’d be easier to control.
He does sound very controlling and non consensual sex shows his control and “ownership” of you ( in his eyes) I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but putting everything together, it doesn’t sound good.

Show quote history

He has always been a bit strange if thats the word with sexual matters other than being asleep, maybe a bit to forward with things. Dont get me wrong its nice he's attracted to me.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 14:33

He has always been a bit strange if thats the word with sexual matters other than being asleep, maybe a bit to forward with things. Dont get me wrong its nice he's attracted to me.

Not sure exactly what you're implying there, but it sounds pretty worrying tbh. I'm getting the impression you've been gradually manipulated into accepting an awful lot of things are normal and acceptable when they really aren't.

Damnautocorrect · 15/08/2022 14:38

Dullardmullard · 15/08/2022 13:46

To control and from this OP gaslighting into the bargain and having her on the back foot ALL the time.

Show quote history

Spot on. And that’s what @ELL2478 needs to consider. Are these the actions of a good man?

LadyLothbrook · 15/08/2022 14:47

ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 14:17

He has always been a bit strange if thats the word with sexual matters other than being asleep, maybe a bit to forward with things. Dont get me wrong its nice he's attracted to me.

Show quote history

I'm wondering if he preyed on your low self esteem op. If rape and lack of sexual boundaries becomes acceptable cos he makes you 'feel attractive', I'm here to tell you that you need to work on what you consider the most important aspect of a relationship is. Is it to feel desired by a man who doesn't care for your wellbeing, emotional and physical health as well as your sexual pleasure or consent? Or is it to feel like an equal to a respectful and loving partner who is human and has faults that don't include terrorises his wife? I'm so desperate for you to get out of this now. My heart hurts for you.

TooHotToTangoToo · 15/08/2022 14:50

Yes he does need consent from his wife, otherwise it's rape

So sorry you're going through this op.

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 14:56

He just said 'aw boo' (his nickname for me)

Hes so manipulative.

Pulling the cuteness, boyishness and sad face when he's being called out for essentially rape.

He's hurting you having sex with you while you're asleep an not participating and arouses, on too of the lack of consent.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 15:29

LadyLothbrook · 15/08/2022 14:47

I'm wondering if he preyed on your low self esteem op. If rape and lack of sexual boundaries becomes acceptable cos he makes you 'feel attractive', I'm here to tell you that you need to work on what you consider the most important aspect of a relationship is. Is it to feel desired by a man who doesn't care for your wellbeing, emotional and physical health as well as your sexual pleasure or consent? Or is it to feel like an equal to a respectful and loving partner who is human and has faults that don't include terrorises his wife? I'm so desperate for you to get out of this now. My heart hurts for you.

Show quote history

I know its not the most important thing to be found attractive of course. My mind feels very conflicted because I do feel loved and physically cared for. One half of me thinks he is acting wrongly at times the other thinks he is just making honest mistakes. I know this all sounds strange. I don't think I could leave at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 15:42

I do think his sexual boundaries are askew i would agree. Iv always felt he sexualises me too much, he never talks about how i feel but he will turn anything into a sexual convo, but thats by the by. He is never aggressive with it or forceful but he will often touch me/penetrate me in inconvenient places like when im washing up and i do say no as its right in front of a window but he always has a way of making it into a joke if that makes sense. I felt angry and upset a couple of times as once it was full sex but thought i was over-reacting. One morning i also woke up to him ahem emptying his load over my face (sorry if TMI), but all that may be plausible if he was just messing about.

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 15/08/2022 15:46

ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 15:42

I do think his sexual boundaries are askew i would agree. Iv always felt he sexualises me too much, he never talks about how i feel but he will turn anything into a sexual convo, but thats by the by. He is never aggressive with it or forceful but he will often touch me/penetrate me in inconvenient places like when im washing up and i do say no as its right in front of a window but he always has a way of making it into a joke if that makes sense. I felt angry and upset a couple of times as once it was full sex but thought i was over-reacting. One morning i also woke up to him ahem emptying his load over my face (sorry if TMI), but all that may be plausible if he was just messing about.

STOP. MINIMISING. THIS. DISGUSTING. ABUSE.

penetrating you while you wash up is not flattering. Its RAPE.

LadyDanburysHat · 15/08/2022 15:53

@ELL2478 your husband has no respect for you. He is a sex pest and rapist. You are so deep in this that you are in denial.

Please call Womens Aid and tell them what you have told us here, and maybe just maybe a professional telling you will make you believe it.

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 15:55

Your most recent post made me cry.

I don't say that to try to make you feel bad but to try to make you see how shocking this abuse is from an objective outsider.

He is a dangerous man.

He is a rapist.

He has committed multiple sex offences against you.

He doesn't just want to have sex with you, he wants to rape you.

He enjoys it.

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2022 16:00

He's using your body as a sex toy.

He thinks he's bought you and has a right to do so.

Sorry.

It's clear you aren't there yet. That's ok, it's a lot to take in.

Have a think- you'll start to notice more.

You need to find some way to access counselling, to get support with what's happening.

Where do you work? Is it anything connected with him? That could be your opportunity to seek support, if it's separate from him.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 16:01

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 15:55

Your most recent post made me cry.

I don't say that to try to make you feel bad but to try to make you see how shocking this abuse is from an objective outsider.

He is a dangerous man.

He is a rapist.

He has committed multiple sex offences against you.

He doesn't just want to have sex with you, he wants to rape you.

He enjoys it.

Oh im so sorry it made you feel that way.
I know you shouldnt blame yourself but partly i feel i didnt really make it clear to him that time and like he may have thought i was messing about too. This was a couple of months ago as well.

I have no time away from him today but he is on night shifts tommorow so i may ring them then.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 15/08/2022 16:01

ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 15:42

I do think his sexual boundaries are askew i would agree. Iv always felt he sexualises me too much, he never talks about how i feel but he will turn anything into a sexual convo, but thats by the by. He is never aggressive with it or forceful but he will often touch me/penetrate me in inconvenient places like when im washing up and i do say no as its right in front of a window but he always has a way of making it into a joke if that makes sense. I felt angry and upset a couple of times as once it was full sex but thought i was over-reacting. One morning i also woke up to him ahem emptying his load over my face (sorry if TMI), but all that may be plausible if he was just messing about.

What would he do if you screamed at him to get the fuck off me make it a joke cos it isn’t its rape the minute you’ve said no.

please phone woman’s aid for advice even if you don’t leave just yet phone them

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 16:02

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2022 16:00

He's using your body as a sex toy.

He thinks he's bought you and has a right to do so.

Sorry.

It's clear you aren't there yet. That's ok, it's a lot to take in.

Have a think- you'll start to notice more.

You need to find some way to access counselling, to get support with what's happening.

Where do you work? Is it anything connected with him? That could be your opportunity to seek support, if it's separate from him.

We both work in the same hospital, different areas.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 16:09

Dear god, OP. This is truly chilling. He knows exactly what he's doing. Please don't believe for one second that he doesn't. He thinks that making a joke of it will trick you into thinking it's not a big deal. And he's right - it has. He doesn't care if you enjoy it, if you consent, or if you feel uncomfortable or violated as long as he gets his satisfaction any way he wants.

You said 'His sexual boundaries are askew'. Have a think about what that really means. How would you advise a female friend or a daughter if their husband were doing this to her?

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 16:16

Oh im so sorry it made you feel that way. I know you shouldnt blame yourself but partly i feel i didnt really make it clear to him that time and like he may have thought i was messing about too. This was a couple of months ago as well.

No need to apologise at all OP, I didn't want you to feel bad just to realise how unbelievably shocking this is.

You are in no way to blame. At all. Full stop.

You're being assaulted and raped by a man who is manipulative and has convinced you that he can't possibly be raping you because bad men rape and he is a good man.

The fact is that he is not a good man, he is a bad man and he is raping you.

He is dangerous.

This man will ruin your life and has already distorted your sense of reality to the point that despite him raping you while you're unconscious and then at some times denying it but at others admitting it and describing it himself as 'like fucking a corpse' he also wants you to believe that he genuinely thinks it's not rape.

He knows it is. His goal is for you not to be sure whether it is rape or not, so that you don't disclose what he's doing to anyone else.

Because he knows that if you do, they will say exactly what we are saying here and encourage you to leave immediately.

Your son is growing up with a rapist.

Please call womens aid when he's on his shift and then delete the call from your phone afterwards.

They will help you with next steps.

Your son deserves a happy, healthy mum who is not being financially, emotionally and sexually abused.

Whitehorsegirl · 15/08/2022 16:18

OP this man is a repeat abuser of women...

He targeted you because you are much younger than he is and you sound like you struggle to assert yourself and you don't seem to know what healthy boundaries are.

He is abusing and controlling you but displaying just the right amount of ''charm'' to make yourdoubt the reality of what is happening.

You need to leave and report him to the police for rape. Because that is what he did to you.

If he works in a hospital as you stated and has a job that involves having contact with female patients there is a safeguarding issue there as well. That's why reporting him is important.

Seriously, you need to get out.

TrulyFubar · 15/08/2022 16:21

ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 15:42

I do think his sexual boundaries are askew i would agree. Iv always felt he sexualises me too much, he never talks about how i feel but he will turn anything into a sexual convo, but thats by the by. He is never aggressive with it or forceful but he will often touch me/penetrate me in inconvenient places like when im washing up and i do say no as its right in front of a window but he always has a way of making it into a joke if that makes sense. I felt angry and upset a couple of times as once it was full sex but thought i was over-reacting. One morning i also woke up to him ahem emptying his load over my face (sorry if TMI), but all that may be plausible if he was just messing about.

Dear god! This is a deeply, DEEPLY unpleasant and dangerous man. I've lived a life, I've had sexual partners, I've friends who've discussed our sex lives with - I'm 54 so I've heard it all - but I have never been so disturbed as I am by your husband. He IS a rapist. He IS an abuser, financially and sexually. He IS a gaslighter. He IS a manipulator. He IS coercively controlling you.

You must've seemed like his perfect victim when your paths crossed. Your relationship ideas are naive so he could mould you, control you, use you. His relationship ideas are depraved and immoral. He is dangerous. If he'll wake you up by jizzing on your face and you dismiss that act of utter disrespect as 'one of those things', you'll never have to see his violent side. You're so passive that he doesn't have to bother knocking you into next week for challenging him. I guarantee that there is physical violence in him.

If you were my friend I'd have helped guide you away from this horror of a man years ago. Just like everyone on this thread is trying to do now. Please, PLEASE reach out to Women's Aid for help and advice for your children's sake as well as your own.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 16:24

Idiotathome79 · 14/08/2022 20:13

Pls leave him , I was in a similar situation , where I would wake to my husband having sex with me the first time it happened I was shocked and asked what he thought he was doing he blamed drink , the next couple of times he brushed it off this went on for 2 years .... the rape become more difficult , even using objects etc,
I have since made him leave ( not for this but for abuse , and punching our daughter ,)
This rape though has left me unable to share a bed with my new partner until recently , but I don't sleep properly and any slightest noise I am awake , it has caused me so much distress only yesterday my partner rolled over in his sleep and touched my leg and I woke froze to the spot .
Please don't put up With it .

@Idiotathome79 I missed this post. I am so sorry that happened to you and glad you are free of him.

OP posts:
TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/08/2022 16:35

Your sexual boundaries are askew, they've been distorted by everything he's put you through. I believe you're serious when you write that he woke you by jizzing on your face and you think he might have thought you were looking forward to him doing that/he was just messing around.

Meanwhile HIS sexual boundaries are so far over the line they've disappeared over the horizon marked "put this guy in jail".

It sounds like you don't think you even deserve to live a life free from rape and sexual degradation. Sweetheart, you deserve to be free. You deserve to feel your body is inviolable. You deserve to make your own choices about who gets to touch you and how.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 16:35

Whitehorsegirl · 15/08/2022 16:18

OP this man is a repeat abuser of women...

He targeted you because you are much younger than he is and you sound like you struggle to assert yourself and you don't seem to know what healthy boundaries are.

He is abusing and controlling you but displaying just the right amount of ''charm'' to make yourdoubt the reality of what is happening.

You need to leave and report him to the police for rape. Because that is what he did to you.

If he works in a hospital as you stated and has a job that involves having contact with female patients there is a safeguarding issue there as well. That's why reporting him is important.

Seriously, you need to get out.

He wouldnt ever harm a patient. I know that 100%. He actually hates men who hurt women and considers himself a feminist.

OP posts: