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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

238 replies

Whoevenami16 · 13/08/2022 01:24

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

OP posts:
Gilead · 07/11/2022 08:52

He’s seeing what he can get away with. At some point when he was thought to himself ‘fuck her, I’m having a drink’. This will continue until it becomes a regular pattern again. He has proven that getting pissed is more important than being with you.
Please leave.

Lalliella · 07/11/2022 08:53

It is NOT normal. He is NOT going to change. Please leave him OP. You seem to think that any crap relationship is better than no relationship. It really isn’t. You’re not happy, do something about it.

ElmoNeedsThePotty · 07/11/2022 08:53

Relationships are not mandatory for happiness OP as you are sadly finding out.

Ask ourself why you need any man, least of all this twat.

Better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard imo.

tribpot · 07/11/2022 08:57

It doesn't really matter if it's normal, OP. (Although it really isn't). What matters is whether you want to live your life with a habitual binge drinker who prioritises alcohol and his social life over quality time with you.

Christmas is coming - the season of the socially-acceptable repeat binge drinking. Are you wanting to stay around for that?

tickticksnooze · 07/11/2022 09:05

The question isn't whether it's normal, the question is whether you're going to stick with what you told him last time and stop putting up with it? Are you going to make plans to leave?

Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it.
he said he loved me and he was sorry.
i really do hope that he means it. If not I will make plans to leave.

dontputitthere · 07/11/2022 09:07

I don't know what you want from this

You got great advice last time

You issued an ultimatum. He has (quite literally) pissed all over it

So what do you want to do?

You know this isn't normal. He has fuck all respect for you. And you know he'll keep doing this as he knows he can. Your ultimatums mean fuck all.

What do you want from us? We can say this till we're blue in the face. He's not going to change.

Leave.

Dogtooth · 07/11/2022 09:14

In your shoes I'd move back into your own house. You could still date him if you wanted and he could do all this behind closed doors and clean up his own sick and shit.

billy1966 · 07/11/2022 09:22

Of course it is not normal.

He has an alcohol problem and you have very low standards.

You need to get some counselling to figure out how you fix YOU.

You can't fix him.

Focus on yourself if you want your life to be better.

But living with a selfish messy drunk is no life.

Good luck.

Diyverymuchanewbie · 07/11/2022 09:32

Of course it’s not normal

work on your self respect and leave asap

Ellie56 · 07/11/2022 09:36

Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it.
he said he loved me and he was sorry.
i really do hope that he means it. If not I will make plans to leave.

This is what you said in August. He didn't mean it as it has happened again. In answer to your question, no it's not normal behaviour for fully grown mature adults.

So now you need to follow through. Don't put up with it any longer and make plans to leave. You deserve so much better.

And him being a self absorbed twat with a drink problem does not make you a failure. Believe it.

MGMidget · 07/11/2022 09:37

I would ask him to clean up the vomit while you go out for the day. He can nurse his hangover on his own and wretch at the smell of his own vomit while you have a nice day without him. I would just say something along the lines of “best you stay in and recover from your hangover. It will take quite a while to clean the vomit up in my car and mKe the smell go away so you need to get cracking this morning”: otherwise you will find him still in bed when you get back and your car stinking of festering vomit! He may still do this but at least you will have more confirmation that he doesnt care about you or the relationship to try and make amends and can decide what to do about it. I agree he does seem like a selfish man-child so if he isnt trying to make amends you are probably better off without him.

dottiedodah · 07/11/2022 09:43

Who wants to be with someone like this FFS! So thanks to him your day out together was ruined,you have to clean up after someone bring ill! and you are pissed off! So in what way do you "love" being treated that way? You are worth so much more .

TedMullins · 07/11/2022 09:57

no it isn’t normal and he’s proved he doesnt give a shit about how it impacts you. I hope you’re going to follow through with the ultimatum

namechangedembarrassing · 07/11/2022 10:20

You know the answer to this and you also told him what would happen if he didn’t change. Now it’s on you to act next and only you.

PearlclutchersInc · 07/11/2022 10:25

I hope that you've been getting organised to leave over the last few months.

Suggest you give your tenants notice and get get yourself sorted.

SarahSissions · 07/11/2022 10:29

Sending you love and strength OP.

You say you have adult children, what would you advise one of them to do if their partner was behaving like this? We often have higher standards for a loved one than we do for ourselves. You deserve better

MinnieGirl · 07/11/2022 10:30

Vomiting all over the place shows he can’t hold his drink and he has absolutely no respect for you. And he knows you will put up with his dreadful behaviour, because you did last time. And the time before. This is all about him. You can’t change him. Only he can change and he has shown you he doesn’t want to. You need to leave him. Give your tenants notice, and move out.

BeingHeldAtHunPoint · 07/11/2022 10:36

Not normal, no.

DH is a similar age and whilst he will go a little overboard and drink a bit much when he has a long overdue meet up with friends, he doesn’t do it to the point of vomiting. He may snore a bit louder that night & have a headache in the morning but he would still be fully functional and able to carry out plans.

Failing to do what is expected of you because of drinking the night before

Regretting drinking the night before

Having more than 8 units in one sitting

…all questions that are triggered to be asked on the NHS excessive drinking questionnaire after a patient scores too highly on the amount/frequency of alcohol consumption.

Tessabelle74 · 07/11/2022 10:37

YOU WONT CHANGE HIM
YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM
YOU WON'T CHANGE HIM
YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM
Ad infinitum
Get out now, why are you even asking again?

ElmoNeedsThePotty · 07/11/2022 10:38

You are all wasting your time folks.........

astarsheis · 07/11/2022 10:40

Financially independent or not...I'd be off. It never fails to amaze me what women (and some men) are willing to put up with.
For your own well being and pride you know that you need to leave this man.

mynameisbrian · 07/11/2022 10:49

You were given plenty of advice before- Get yourself some RL support and work on your worth

oldbrownjug · 07/11/2022 10:49

The problem is he's an alcoholic. That's it. You either leave, (I would, most pps would), or you put up with it. This will not get better.

The man child thing is a red herring and patronising. I'm a woman with adult children and am loving the fact that I can go out with friends, spend time on my hobbies, spend my time how I choose and enjoy my life rather than being submerged in domesticity. That doesn't make me a child.

So - make the decision on whether to stay or live with an alcoholic. If you leave, tell him you love him if indeed you do - and that you wish him all thew best but that you can't live like this.

Also next time choose a man who wants what you want, (joint days out? cosy nights in? shared activities??), and never think you can change someone.

jenny38 · 07/11/2022 10:55

If it hasn't happened for 3 months, do you feel he has managed his drinking better in this time? Or was this the first opportunity.
It sounds as if he is getting himself in a dangerous state. Would he get some prof help? Perhaps if you are picking him up, agree on a time and stick to it. That might stop the "just one more....." scenario.
But the wider picture seems to be not making time for you/ prioritising your relationship and that is separate from his drinking issue. Has he been working on this?

orbitalcrisis · 07/11/2022 10:58

It sounds like he's an alcoholic. It is not normal for an adult to drink until they vomit. If this is a recent thing, this didn't used to happen when he drank, there's a chance that his liver is already failing. Has his tolerance to alcohol taken a nose dive?