Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 13/08/2022 01:07

Of course you have to leave him.

In the meantime, get together any evidence/screen shots you can.

AuntTwacky · 13/08/2022 01:08

LTB

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2022 01:43

Take half the money out of the joint account, stay somewhere else, start the divorce process.

femfemlicious · 13/08/2022 03:56

This man is going to do much worse. He spat in your face and you meekly accepted it. You seem paralysed. What does he have to do to you to leave?. Kill you?

Jellyx · 13/08/2022 05:24

Wow.
First - I'm sorry this is a happening for you. Secondly - it's important to acknowledge his behaviour is abusive.
As much as I'd like to say ''just leave'' - I think it's unlikely you'd use this advice.

There's lots of things that need address in your relationship but the immediate one is that he accesses support for his behaviour and how he responds to things when upset.
Secondary to all that you can have a discussion about what the other needs to feel loved and appreciated. He might want to be intimate but you need him to step up work the chores - if you weren't exhausted or treated poorly you'd be more in the mood.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to make changes to his behaviour then your options are to leave or stay in the cycle. If you choose to stay then please don't expose children to it.

Velvian · 13/08/2022 06:22

Leave him ASAP. Absolutely do not 'work on your marriage' spitting in your face has crossed the line to physical violence.

How long has he been abusive to you and what are you getting out of being with him?

Do not work on it, do not give him another chance (I imagine he has had ample). Get him out of your life.

SideshowAuntSally · 13/08/2022 06:43

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 22:06

Im not saying that I am perfect, I’m sure I have annoying habits and maybe I am annoying and boring to live with like he said but I do try my best to make sure I’m doing things to keep us happy too.

This stuck out for me. You need to leave before he wears you down to the point where you feel utterly worthless and that you deserve the abuse.

I used to say that same thing.

Wildflowerbeauty · 13/08/2022 06:53

That’s terrible. He sounds like a very nasty man . Are you both at home today ?

Buildingthefuture · 13/08/2022 06:57

My god! I’m so sorry this is happening to you op, that is horrendous. Pack a bag, now, immediately and leave. Go to family/friends whatever. The legal stuff can all be sorted from a safe distance. Do not be sweet talked into going back and do not communicate with him. Do not give this hateful wanker one more minute of your time. None of this is your fault but you must put yourself first now because he will not change. His behaviour is so far out of line - if my DH behaved like this I would hand his arse to him on a plate, dump all his shit on the drive and never, ever speak to him again. You can do this op. You’ve posted on here, you know you deserve far, far better than this…….

thelastgreatdynasty · 13/08/2022 07:04

Op, this was really difficult to read. My heart aches for you. His behaviour is abhorrent. Please keep safe. This cannot continue.
You are worth so much more.

Outlyingtrout · 13/08/2022 07:06

You don’t mention children so I assume you don’t share any. That means you have a golden opportunity to rid yourself of this disgusting specimen and never have to deal with him again. Please do not make the mistake of getting pregnant and tying yourself to him for the rest of your life. That would be so harmful and wrong for you and for the child. Get out now, get divorced and do some serious work - with a professional - on your self esteem to make sure your next relationship, should you choose to have one, is healthy and happy.

This is not normal. This is not how people treat each other. You do not have to accept this. This is not “just how relationships are”. None of his good points make up for the way he chooses to abuse you. There are lots and lots of men who have amazing qualities and also manage not to abuse their partners - it’s not some kind of trade off you have to make. Even the best couples will argue sometimes and nobody behaves perfectly 24/7, but what you’re experiencing goes far beyond that. It’s abuse. Very clear cut.

Hollll · 13/08/2022 07:14

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 22:06

Im not saying that I am perfect, I’m sure I have annoying habits and maybe I am annoying and boring to live with like he said but I do try my best to make sure I’m doing things to keep us happy too.

No one's perfect. Everyone has flaws and annoying habits. There are times my husband winds me up like nothing else and times I do the same to him I'm sure.

But I have never spat in his face or called him a fat slob or anything even close nor him to me.

Your husband treats you absolutely appallingly. You need to leave him. You do not deserve the utter disrespect.

Sounds like an absolutely vile specimen. I wonder why you don't want to have sex with him... 🤮

0live · 13/08/2022 07:19

Listen to these wise women and make your plans to get out now.

Do not I repeat NOT get pregnant by him for any reason at all. Even by accident.

Do not discuss anything with him.

Do not try to persuade him that his behaviour is wrong and you are reasonable to
leave him.

Do not use the word abusive and don’t even think about showing him this thread.

Google grey rock and do that. See a solicitor this week.

Confide in a friend or colleague that you can trust absolutely.

Do NOT talk to any Of his family, however lovely they are. Your objective here is to get out safely, not to shame him with his family.

Get counselling for yourself. Alone. Do not listen to anyone who suggests that you get joint counselling with him.

Do not listen to the tiny voice in your head which says that if you get joint counselling, the counsellor will tell him that he’s wrong and he will listen to them and change and everything will be wonderful again.

Get out as soon as you can.

rainbowstardrops · 13/08/2022 07:23

Spitting full stop is disgusting but to spit in your face? He wouldn't get the chance to do it again that's for sure.

Bretonbear · 13/08/2022 07:28

I'd report to the police. He is definitely abusive and I'd guess controlling too. Screen shot everything.

BellePeppa · 13/08/2022 08:20

Jellyx · 13/08/2022 05:24

Wow.
First - I'm sorry this is a happening for you. Secondly - it's important to acknowledge his behaviour is abusive.
As much as I'd like to say ''just leave'' - I think it's unlikely you'd use this advice.

There's lots of things that need address in your relationship but the immediate one is that he accesses support for his behaviour and how he responds to things when upset.
Secondary to all that you can have a discussion about what the other needs to feel loved and appreciated. He might want to be intimate but you need him to step up work the chores - if you weren't exhausted or treated poorly you'd be more in the mood.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to make changes to his behaviour then your options are to leave or stay in the cycle. If you choose to stay then please don't expose children to it.

This relationship shouldn’t be worked on. This relationship needs ending and it needs ending now! Discussing chores etc, really? If there are no children involved then this is the perfect time to leave.

Stag82 · 13/08/2022 08:24

Op I hope you are ok. His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and you deserve so much more...

It sounds like you know what you need to do, and I just want to tell you that a better life is waiting for you. Nothing worse than walking on egg shells, doubting / hating yourself x

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 08:51

I did say wtf is wrong with you when he spat in my face, but I think I was so confused and shocked I didn’t say anything or do anything else…I do stand up for myself sometimes but sometimes I just stay away and keep silent until he calms down…I don’t know if I’m aggravating the situation when I do any of those things to be honest. It doesn’t always make sense in my head….

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 08:53

I am ok everybody I feel better today, I’ve had a good sleep and I feel better reading the posts on here. They have helped me more than you could know xxx

OP posts:
dickdarstardlymuttley · 13/08/2022 08:54

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 08:53

I am ok everybody I feel better today, I’ve had a good sleep and I feel better reading the posts on here. They have helped me more than you could know xxx

Stay strong and leave.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 09:06

Good god. Why did you stay with him initially when he was abusing you and go on to marry him? Are you intent on still staying and letting him abuse you?

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:11

I stayed because things had improved and I thought he had calmed a lot compared to earlier years… things have been good for a couple of years but the last couple of weeks the same behaviour as earlier years has resurfaced and I don’t want it to continue…I am going to get legal advice because at the moment I have no idea what my options are….

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:12

I also know in my head that if I was someone else reading what I am saying I would think that they are silly for staying. I know this.

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 09:14

Op you have one option. You end this now.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 09:17

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:12

I also know in my head that if I was someone else reading what I am saying I would think that they are silly for staying. I know this.

Not silly, that’s not the right word. But after the very first time he did this you should have left. People are concerned for you and the life you’re choosing with this animal. I hope you find it in you to leave, start again and find a relationship with a man who loves and respects you. I hope there are not children in the home.