My husband spat in my face

[Cantthinkofagoodname1]

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

Mine also spat at me a couple of times in front of dd, and then she did it to me (aged 3) See how it gets normalised .

Listen to everyone here

Spitting in someone's face is vile. It is demeaning and disgusting. It happened to me in a previous relationship and honestly it left me very damaged for a long time. The act itself might not be violence in the sense that it hasn't left physical injury but it is designed to make you feel demeaned and degraded. Do not allow yourself to be treated like that.

The sex thing is also awful. It's all very toxic. Please find a way to get out. You deserve better.

Why are you putting up with being treated like a piece of shit?

Talk to your friends and family. Tell them the truth.

Get legal advice. Make a plan and divorce the wanker.

Sell the house, split the process and go your separate ways. There is nothing to be saved here.

@Fancydancer1934 What, from the OPs post, is making you think this is culture specific???

I am safe at the moment, We are in a separate rooms. He won’t say anything tonight, as I won’t go near him and I have blocked him on messages etc as he sends nasty messages in these situations, and I haven’t got the brain power to see or read them. So I have blocked him.

Transfer half of the funds in your joint account into one owned solely by you. Get all paperwork - birth certificates, marriage certificate, bank statements, credit card statements, loan statements for house and cars, etc. Go to the police and have him charged with assault. He is emotionally abusive and has now escalated to physical abuse.

Are you considering leaving op? Sorely you don't want to spend you life weaving in and out of his moods this way?

Your first thing to do is to get a separate bank account. Tell your employer to pay you into your new account. I'd take half of the joint account as long as I was in a safe situation because once you do that he knows you're leaving. Get important papers together and get out. You need to tell your family and get legal advice asap.

Whatever else you do, don't give him any hint that you may be thinking of leaving him - abuse tends to escalate, sometimes very quickly, at that point.

If you want to talk it through with a professional will entirely understand, and will give good advice on your prime, contact Women's Ad by phone or the Chat facility.

He is sick and disgusting. You need to make an exit plan to leave him. I am so sorry you have been treated this way.

The more you post the worse this seems.
Nasty messages too? What does he say to you?

I'd consider letting him send them and getting screen shots. They could be useful later.

This won't improve unfortunately

Yes definitely let him send the abusive message and screenshot them, you can use this as evidence in the divorce or if you decide to report him. Hope you are ok and safe x

Wow, I was whocked ready reading that he has suddenly become nasty but the fact that he wakes you up when you are obviously exhausted to then initiate sex with you and you feel obliged to go along with it sounds RAPEY and crosses boundaries that you should have even in a relationship. My partner and I know that if each other is too tired or not in the mood for sex then we don't attempt to initiate it because we respect each other. He sounds like a creep and doesn't respect you. I would be very concerned by his behaviour. Sounds like sex is forced on you sometimes and that is NOT OKAY.

Shocked already** can't type properly grr

This is absolutely shocking! What a disgraceful excuse for a man.

This is no way to live. You need to get out and as far away from him as possible. You deserve so much more.

OP, spitting in your face is one of the most disgusting things I've read on Mumsnet. You've been so beaten down by this horrible man that I don't think you recognise quite how far outside normality that is any more. Please get away from him as fast as you can. Anyone who can do that to another person is very easily able to commit violence.

his behaviour like this is getting more frequent. When he is being normal it’s lovely, and I’m happy

But OP, everyone can be nice when they want to be. And 'being normal' shouldn't be something special, it's what you should be able to expect all the time.

Oh my goodness OP I am worried about you.
This is absolutely not ok and completely inexcusable!
I really hope you're ok and have the strength to leave this man. He sounds very dangerous 😳

I've just read more of your replies OP and looks like you have been suffering this abuse for some time. Everyone here is genuinely worried for your safety. Please leave him for the sake of your health, safety and wellbeing. Is there a family membwe you can go and stay with while you sort our divorce and sale od the house etc? It will be a lot for you to take in right now but honestly,eaving this bastard will be the best thing you ever did. One day you will look back on this time and you will be so glad you left. Please look after yourself 💐

You absolutely have to start the motions of leaving him.

Get legal advice.

Speak to a trusted family member or friend.

Leave the house if you have somewhere else to go.

Open up a bank account in your sole name and have some money in there. When you leave him/tell him you need to make sure you've transferred money out of the joint account before he has the chance.

In your mind decide that this is the watershed moment. Never give him a chance to do that again. You are not perfect? You don’t have to be perfect tor him to not spit in your face.
Get your papers together, move the money to a separate account and tell everyone, his friends and family and yours what a fucking disgusting piece of shit he is. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed because it is his shame, not yours

Please keep posting. Please. The utter contempt this man has shown you, is appalling. And you need to hear from the CROWDS of women roaring at you to leave.

Run-for-the-hills.

I haven't read the whole thread but you need to get away OP. This man is abusive and he will NEVER change. Even if he apologises he will do it again. He doesn't respect you.

Get out. Don't worry about the finances, just get out and worry about that later. Maybe there is a family member or friend you can stay with?

He is an abusive arsehole. Inform your family about what he has done and get their support to leave this vile man. Divorce him ASAP. Move on and have a much happier time without this low life.