Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
Trivester · 12/08/2022 20:55

Do you have any family or friends nearby? Any real life support?

It can be hard to get through to womens aid, but they could be worth talking to as well.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2022 20:55

Fuck the financial commitments. It's just a house, you can sell it. I will bet your husband becomes even more physically violent as time goes by. He sounds like an absolute psychopath. You can't possibly leave him fast enough.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:59

I have family who are very supportive nearby yes. They do not know the extent of what has been happening but they do know of arguments occurring...that is all they know. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell them…that’s why I came here…

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 12/08/2022 21:01

Op support is crucial. Talk to family .

tuesday2am · 12/08/2022 21:01

PLEASE leave him. He does not deserve you, and you do not deserve to be treated like that by anybody. What a horrible, horrible man he is. No financial commitment is worth this abuse. That can all be sorted out in time. Leave him. Before he does even worse to you.

violetglow7 · 12/08/2022 21:03

Get rid of him ASAP. He'd have been out the door when he called me a fat slob/spat in my face if I was you.

Midlifemusings · 12/08/2022 21:04

Just leave. You don't mention kids so leave. Don't waste another moment with someone who treats you that way.

GG1986 · 12/08/2022 21:07

This is really abusive! You need to find a way to leave him.

wheresthetimegone4 · 12/08/2022 21:15

This is my very first LTB.
I never thought I'd say that because I really hate seeing that term on Mumsnet.
But reading that made my heart pound.
That is awful, abusive behaviour.
Absolutely do not tolerate it.
That's horrific and there is absolutely NO excuse for it.
Do you have support? Friends? Family?

I don't even want to ask has he behaved like this before because it doesn't matter. He's behaved like this now and that is enough.
Im so sorry this happened. It's really awful and you really shouldn't have to go through that.

InquiringMinds · 12/08/2022 21:16

Kick him out, what an absolute jerk! I can think of many other words I’d like to call him. No one deserves to be treated like this. I have been in a bloody awful marriage (divorced years ago) but even he would not have done that. You work hard and do so much, he has no respect for you and is thinking with something other than his head! Hoping you are okay.

NotSoSlimShady8 · 12/08/2022 21:22

WHAT THE FUCK I don’t even know you and I am actually fuming !!!!
please please please don’t stay with this piece of shit no matter your history/ situation. Everything always works out in the end; just do it!!! How dare he 😳
There is a nice guy out there for you!!
get rid and waste no tears!! 💗

Fluffymule · 12/08/2022 21:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It must have been a distressing shock to experience abuse and assault like this.

And, as others have posted, it is assault. You can report this to the police and they will take it seriously, because it is serious.

You say he has been abusive in the past so this is not an out of character aberration or moment of irrational overreaction. It's escalation and repeat over a long timescale.

Don't let embarrassment or pride stop you from seeking support from your family. Think how you would feel if we were talking about one of your female relatives or closest friends - you would be devastated to know they didn't feel they could come to you.

Good luck OP, you don't need to live like this, you don't have to wait and wonder when the next time might be. Let your family support you. Put yourself, your safety and your future wellbeing first.

Madwife123 · 12/08/2022 21:26

You need to leave. He is abusive and clearly does not care about you if he is treating you in this way.

Right now you don’t have children (I think) so you are not tied to him. Get out now!

If you do have children just think of what example you are showing them. Children learn relationship standards from their parents. By staying in an abusive relationship you teach your child that this is a normal relationship and this is what they should expect when they are older.

Get as far away from this vile man as you can.

dworky · 12/08/2022 21:32

Please leave this abusive man as soon as possible.

dapsnotplimsolls · 12/08/2022 21:33

It's not going to get better. Please leave.

InquiringMinds · 12/08/2022 21:41

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 I was in a similar situation with my ex. My best decision was seeing a divorce lawyer in a town away from where I was living. I was married in community of property like you. Do you have a personal savings account. It’s definitely needed as things may get nastier and your husband’s behaviour has been bad before your marriage too. Please also speak to citizens advise as they put me in touch with public protection. You need to have a safe place to stay that your husband does not know the address of. While there you can sort out your divorce. I know this is all hard to hear, but it’s protecting yourself. The other alternative is to report the spitting abuse, etc and get a restraining order to keep him out of the house. I cannot remember the exact term.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 21:48

We have a joint account so no I don’t have a personal savings account. I do need to get some advice about divorce because his behaviour like this is getting more frequent.

When he is being normal it’s lovely, and I’m happy. But when he turns like this it’s the worst feeling ever and I can’t concentrate on anything and constantly question/doubt myself…

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 12/08/2022 21:48

OP, please put yourself first and get out.

Men who treat women badly do such a good job of making them feel worthless for a reason - he thinks you won't have the strength to leave him.

A man who spits in your face, never mind the name calling and general aggression, has zero respect for you.

Please seek help from your family and get away from that bastard!

StaunchMomma · 12/08/2022 21:50

Also agree with previous posters that you should pack up and leave him now rather than biding your time.

Take half of what's in the joint account and go to a family member.

The divorce will sort the assets. There's no need to hang around and drag it out if you don't have kids.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 12/08/2022 21:56

You need to make your plans to leave.
seek legal advice.
make sure he can’t access all the money in the joint account alone. Take copies of any financial assets you hold jointly. Try to secretly squirrel away some money in your own account (open your own account if you don’t have one):

his behaviour is is horrible. The only option is to work towards ending the relationship.
the type of person who spits in someone’s face is not someone who will ever be a nice partner.
im so sorry you dealt with that shorty behaviour. I hope you can see it’s him with the problems.

hewouldwouldnthe · 12/08/2022 21:57

Please don't stay in this abusive relationship.

marlowe5 · 12/08/2022 21:58

What @StaunchMomma said.

Please go and confide in your family. It's not embarrassing to do so, even if it feels like you are crossing a barrier you didn't expect to - and is crucial. You need that support and while you keep all this a secret from people in real life, your DH can get away with this because it's not been 'aired'. This behaviour is abusive and despicable and unless you start to share with others and look at it from a distance, it remains normalised to you and he can keep doing it. He would prefer that and men like this rely on their partners not saying anything to anyone and trying to keep them separate from others who would call it out. Please take half the money and go to your family and or call the police. It will be the best thing you ever did when you look back at this.

Bananaman123 · 12/08/2022 21:58

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I stayed with a man for 20 years who treated me like shit, had tantrums if he didn’t get his own, didn’t help me in any way. I wish I had left at the first sign of trouble no matter the mortgage etc. I hid it all from my family and wish I hadn’t as they would have supported me through leaving.

take time to think, get some legal advice and come up with a plan

Dotcheck · 12/08/2022 22:01

OP
This is really really awful

Twillow · 12/08/2022 22:05

Firstly, make sure your contraception is watertight. DO NOt have children with this man.
Secondly, all the finances however messy can be resolved one way or another.
Thirdly, if you leave the house, that does NOT mean you give up any rights to it.

Abusers can be lovely sometimes, that's how we get involved with them.
You know that if you stay, you are only waiting for the next incident. That's no life. Talk to your family, they sound supportive. Could you stay with them?

Swipe left for the next trending thread