How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

There is something very creepy about your description of this man, I mean, the makes me feel nervous and scared of what he might be capable of, kind of creepy. This story has turned my stomach.

I’m worried for you, OP!

And why have you allowed your children that aren’t his to be treated differently??? You are their legal and moral guardian, that means actually guarding their welfare.

Children get scarred for life like this… when they are not treated equally.

You love this man more than your children? You give priority to the grown adult male who is world class at looking after number one? Who will prioritise your children as they rightfully deserve? Who will be there and be strong for them, making sure they are not disrespected and mistreated?

Do you think your children will love you for bringing them up like this when they grow up? Families go no contact for far less, I assure you… but perhaps you don’t mind that.

You need to wake up!!! For the children at least!!!

What has all this done to your self respect? Or was this removed from you during some past trauma?

Do you think it’s healthy for your children to live in this environment? What are they learning about relationships?

It is possible to be both ND and be an insufferable bastard at the same time.

This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans.

But they are part & parcel of the same thing!

Anyway you can take issue with what you bloody well want!

Any decent person with respect for someone else tells them when they will be later than expected.

He doesn't care about you at all.

Him having sex with you when you didn't want to is proof enough of that.

I’m utterly baffled at the lengths women go to to try to psychoanalyse the pond scum they’ve shackled themselves to.

^ Very much this. It doesn't matter why he treats you like shit. What matters is the fact that he does. And other posters are right - none of the behaviour you describe even says 'private person' to me at all. It says 'cold, arrogant, selfish person'.

If I said that he wouldn’t understand.

He does, he just doesn't care.

In his eyes I would be controlling and complaining. The problem would be me taking issue with his behaviour, not the behaviour itself. He would say that he does love and respect me. And I believes that he thinks that he does.

Sounds like gaslighting. He wants you to shut up and tow the line so he can carry on doing whatever he wants.

I'm not sure my feelings are valid or, if they are, I don't see why they would be more important that his.

Then you need some therapy without him, so that you can get back in contact with yourself and who you are, and so you can grow to be confident that your feelings are valid. Your feelings are important simply because they are your feelings. Your feelings are unique and valuable, they tell you how your world is and how you want it to be. They should be important to you!

He doesn't love you. I'm so sorry.

OP, consider how much time and energy you spend each day thinking about him and trying to figure out what he's thinking and why he does things and how you can help him. And then consider how much time and energy he spends thinking about you - zero. And nor does he think he should have to. He doesn't want to.

You deserve to be considered and thought of and worried about and loved. Your wasting your precious energy on him, better spend it on yourself and build yourself up to leaving him.

"The problem was that he didn't tell me he'd be late and we'd planned an afternoon with a family activity and my own activity and for us all to have dinner. I don't mind the lateness, I do mind not being informed."

That's really not normal OP. He let's his kids down but it's you that's the problem for being upset about it? I feel like you've been so ground down that you can't see how bad this is.

And...'Its not my fault if you dont like sex any more'? Can you honestly imagine 1. Not caring that your partner doesnt enjoy sex and 2. Actually carrying on with it in those circumstances? And seeing even the most intimate act as something that you do separately and are completely responsible for your own pleasure? What's even the point of it then?

I dont understand why he wants to be in a marriage, if he wants to do what he wants when he wants and thinks nothing either of you do impacts the other in any way

How is he with the kids? They will need things from him

@Spudlet @IncessantNameChanger

Yes you are both right. He is a dickhead. Sorry.

This.

He is dishonest because he is asking you for a great deal. He asks you to be the default parent and adult, 365 days a year. That’s a very big demand.

He assumes that you will take all responsibility for the children and home and ( I guess ) you need to “ ask” him to “ help out “, which I assume he does when he feels like it. And if you ask him in the correct way and at the correct time.

He is profoundly selfish if he won’t even take a small item round to help his father. All this “ infringing on my autonomy “ is just bollocks psychobabble for I CBA. Not just “ I CNA” but “ I’m going to be a total about your small request so you never ask me for anything again”.

He is a cruel and selfish husband if he won’t listen when you tell him how unhappy you are.

He doesn’t want a wife . He wants staff at home . A full time housekeeper and nanny who will do his bidding and never have needs or wants of her own. Or if she does, she will STFU about him and leave him alone.

He will never change , this is who he is. Going to counselling will not change him. He doesn't want to change because the current set up works for him.

You would be better to use to the money to go to another counsellor alone and work out why you have been willing to put up with this for so long.

The other advice I’d give you is to make an escape plan. if you don’t get out, he will destroy you.

@Staynow
With ASD/PDA he'd struggle to put himself in your shoes and understand where you were coming from - with narcissism he'd not care about your point of view or where you were coming from because he'd always be right. Again could look similar but actually very different.
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I can’t tell which, it’s like his version of the world is correct and anything else is wrong. He seems to be upset when we fight, although less so than I am. So although he doesn’t care about my point of view he cares about the disruption that fighting causes.

His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

This is not a relationship. It doesn't matter why, it matters what. I could not live with this, I would leave.

If you are happy with it, stay. But if you are not happy, you'd be better off leaving to give yourself a chance of happiness either alone or with someone else. Don't settle for something that is so much less than you want. He won't change because he has been honest about what he wants.

Also: do you want your children to have relationships like that?

There’s just nothing to be done with this situation other than make plans to leave OP.
At least in the context of your family, he’s an irredeemable arsehole.

You don’t say why you can’t leave now, but if you feel you can’t, make a plan to go in a year, and just focus on living your life with him in the house in the meantime.

I find it very hard to fathom why you are wasting energy thinking about this guy, interesting to a professional though he might well be.

Could you try and work with a therapist about that, rather than your relationship? I think that would be more productive.

Well, it works for him because the average person isn't as "private" (aka awkward and closed off). So he can get by because he doesn't have to experience anyone elses extreme privacy.

Have you tried doing what he does? Nip out for bread and stay out all day? Work overtime without telling him. Don't do the weekly shop (except kid food) and just say you're not sure when you'd do it and you'd rather he stop asking. I suspect he won't like it.

I don't think he's private. I think he's selfish and egotistical. Perhaps the therapist was trying to use a neutral term for letting you know, it's him. Not you.

Good luck OP. He doesn't want to change so he won't. So you're going to have to put up and shut up unless you decide to issue an ultimatum and mean it, or leave.

He makes me feel unloved but I can understand that.

It's not OK for your partner to make you feel unloved. There is no psychological diagnosis or label that will make that OK. And from what you are saying, there is no psychological diagnosis or label that will enable him to interact in a more loving way, either. He doesn't have it in him. This is his failing and you are not responsible for the impossible task of turning him into a better person.

Yes, he sounds like he has a psychological condition as his ability to have relationships with other people seem seriously wrong. I guess it would fall under personality disorders and those are hard to live with /for both the person and those around them/ and as far as I know they are diffucult to treat.

His opinion how all the wrong in the marriage is you sounds very painful.

@BadNomad BadNomad · Today 18:44
Franklyfrost · Today 18:36
@BadNomad BadNomad · Today 17:13
He has a logical, factual brain, not an emotional one. He thinks people are responsible for the emotions they express. Like it's a choice. And he want you to detach from them the same way. It is quite a psychopathic way of thinking. Not like a horror movie, serial-killer type of way, but just in the detachment, lack of empathy, self-serving attitude and how he has no time for anyone else's needs. This is who he is. He won't change.
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There's this dissonance between him wanting a loving relationship and him wanting complete detachment. Which makes me think he might change to solve his own internal contradictions. But whether he changes or not I want to thrive regardless. Knowing wtf is going on with him would help.
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Does he see it as a contradiction? Or is this how "love" is for him?

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No, he wouldn’t think he had any internal contradictions because he always thinks he’s right.

I can’t see how this would be a functioning relationship. What have his past relationships been like? I guess you wouldn’t know much about them though. Your description reminds me of a man I was in love with once. Ultimately, he rejected me thankfully, but looking back he was, and from the looks of things still is a very cold person. And never stays long term with anyone (they always end it and all he cares about is his sport that he does at an elite level).

I'm not sure my feelings are valid or, if they are, I don't see why they would be more important that his. He makes me feel unloved but I can understand that. I would find it comforting if I had a narrative to explain his behaviour.

Of course your feelings are valid!

Why would his feelings be more important than yours?-surely equally important?

He shouldn't be making you feel unloved & of course you don't deserve to feel that way!

He won't change then. Believe me. For him, any problems you have with his behaviour are your problems to deal with. For him, it is you who needs to change because there is nothing wrong with what he is doing.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay
It's not OK for your partner to make you feel unloved. There is no psychological diagnosis or label that will make that OK. And from what you are saying, there is no psychological diagnosis or label that will enable him to interact in a more loving way, either. He doesn't have it in him. This is his failing and you are not responsible for the impossible task of turning him into a better person.

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Unless I’m unreasonable in my requests. He thinks I should feel loved because he loves me. I’ve explained time and time again what would make me feel loved but he just says I’m wrong not to feel loved. I have stopped explaining or sharing my feelings which has left me feeling a bit like I’ve given up, although I haven’t.

My MIL is 80, she thankfully divorced my FIL about 30 years ago after enduring 20 years of marriage.

To this day she wonders why he was ‘like that’ so many theories and she is still a captive to him within her own brain . He has been dead for 5 years.

Sometimes I think she is desperate for a reason rather than admitting she made a terrible mistake that took her 20 years to get away from.

There was no sophisticated reason, his behaviour was just appalling. He was just a really horrible, nasty man and trying to work out why just made her mad, poor woman.

I also see that he asks you have have sex with him when he wants it. Not when you want it or when you both want it, but when he alone wants it.

And he doesn’t care that you don’t like it. In fact he doesn't even care if you hate it. You are just a warm orifice to ejaculate into. Your pleasure is of no relevance whatsoever, just your compliance.

And when you said you didn’t like it, his answer was “ It’s not my problem that you have gone have gone off sex “. Can’t you see how chilling this is OP? It like you are a broken domestic appliance, you are no longer functioning correctly.

“ Its not my fault the washing machine won’t spin anymore “.

Its interesting you say it’s not rape. I know it’s not legally. But it’s still a profoundly disturbing attitude from a man who claims to love you .

I think he has very strong narcissist traits.