How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

Your last post is chilling. He makes you feel unloved but you can understand that? Why? How on earth you came to think like this?

Heavens I was just talking about this very thing this afternoon re my DB his first marriage collapsed to a lovely girl for this reason. His second marriage is a success because he married a Chinese woman, moved to China and is living his best life. His wife a ferociously clever banker defers to him as does her mother. He is an emperor in his own kingdom. He's also a cyclist who disappears off.

He's not a bad man, just that there's something missing in him.. it's very sad looking in but the Chinese lifestyle works for them.

@Franklyfrost if it doesn't work for you then you do have a problem

Have a read up on dismissive avoidant attachment style.

I was married to one of these and it was the most lonely, miserable experience ever. We were like housemates, only he could go wherever he wanted, when he wanted, took no responsiblity for anything, was secretive and uncommunicative and he would accuse me of being controlling if I pushed back about his selfishness. He never shared his thoughts, or discussed any plans, any 'agreements' were broken by him as he hated being held to account for anything. He couldn't even walk next to me on a pavement, would stride ahead.

When we separated, I asked him why he got married if he wanted to be so independent and he replied that he 'liked having someone at home'. Unfortunately it would take a lot of therapy to adjust his attachment style and dismissives don't generally think there's anything wrong with them.

Your choices are to live an equally independent life whilst living in the same house (what's the point?) or to leave and find someone with a more secure attachment style. My marriage wasn't a relationship and I had to get out.

@FantasticButtocks
FantasticButtocks · Today 17:05
In the couples counselling session you had on your own because he couldn't make it, did he communicate that before the session? Or did he just not turn up? Amazing, given all you've said about the way he operates, that he was willing to commit his time to regular sessions.
Which parts of your relationship with him do you enjoy?
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fantastic username
he was unwell so I went alone. he wants us to stay together, I organised the sessions and he agreed to attend. we were fighting a lot and both unhappy because of it. I'm not sure what parts of the relationship I enjoy but I think I love him.

He's using the "unreasonable reaction" excuse to let himself off, and sounds completely selfish. You wonder if you did the same if the same would apply - I doubt it.

Forget private....you got it right with A hole.....something I would be telling him he is day in and day out....till I had enough and packed his bags, changed the locks and left his stuff on the lawn outside. No reason for you to explain....play him at his own game....but honestly....leave him...this isnt a relationship....he just uses you as a housekeeper.

@SunnyD44 There is absolutely nothing controlling in wanting the other adult with whom you share a life, home and children to at least give you some vague idea of when they might get home.

Of course he wants you and he to stay together!. You carry this whole relationship in terms of housework and childcare and he can and does go off doing what he wants. He also likes you around to abuse whilst you in turn act as house elf and servant to him.

What happened to you to get here to this point in your life?. What sort of relationship example did your parents show you?.

@BadNomad BadNomad · Today 17:13
He has a logical, factual brain, not an emotional one. He thinks people are responsible for the emotions they express. Like it's a choice. And he want you to detach from them the same way. It is quite a psychopathic way of thinking. Not like a horror movie, serial-killer type of way, but just in the detachment, lack of empathy, self-serving attitude and how he has no time for anyone else's needs. This is who he is. He won't change.
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There's this dissonance between him wanting a loving relationship and him wanting complete detachment. Which makes me think he might change to solve his own internal contradictions. But whether he changes or not I want to thrive regardless. Knowing wtf is going on with him would help.

OP, your post and subsequent replies are really upsetting. You do not deserve to be treated like this, you should be putting your feelings first (and your kids too), not his. It is 100% not your job to try to understand him or "fix" him, that is a fools errand. This looks like psychological abuse from him, and you deserve far better. His behaviour around sex too is disturbing, I agree with others who mentioned earlier that he has manipulated you into consent, which is not true consent. Please realise you are worth more than this, and that your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship or a happy single parent rather than what they are witnessing now.

Im sorry.....but you are a doormat....and he likes having a doormat. You are a pleaser....and of course someone like your partner looks for exactly someone with you personality. You wont annoy him, he will tell you what you can and cant do and you will obey...he has kids with you but leaves you to care for them....if you have a daughter and saw her going through this..what would you say to her? because I have a daughter in her thirties and I would move heaven and earth to open her eyes to the fact she is being used...nothing more, nothing less. You may well love him...but so what? women love men that kill them every day. They love abusive men. They love detached men. Find someone that will return the love and show you what a real relationship truly is. Apart from anything else he is teaching your children how to be abusive in a relationship.

@Dacquoise

Why did you marry him?!

OP do you think he can't manage anyone asking him to do things ie it causes huge anxiety and pressure on him and he simply can't cope or do you think he just thinks he should be able to do exactly as he pleases and the usual rules don't apply to him. I know people say you shouldn't throw the terms ASD/PDA and narcissist around but the first one could suggest PDA form of ASD and the second could suggest narcissism. The two often look very similar but the motivation behind them is completely different. With ASD/PDA he'd struggle to put himself in your shoes and understand where you were coming from - with narcissism he'd not care about your point of view or where you were coming from because he'd always be right. Again could look similar but actually very different.

Does he see it as a contradiction? Or is this how "love" is for him?

This! You could spend years tying yourself in knots trying to diagnose him and he will quiet happily continue with his shitty behaviour to you while it keeps you busy as he is getting what he wants. Please don't bother any more as he doesn't want to change his ways and can't even see that there is a problem. Please take care of yourself and if you can, use the sessions to get him to see that your relationship isn't going to continue.

A PP suggested you consider what advice you would give a friend in your situation. This can be a useful exercise. Please find someone to confide in.

Posting this again OP you need to take this onboard. I’ve read loads of awful relationship threads on here but there is something deeply sinister about your situation.

This with bells on. My mum was / is abusive. She has a diagnosable condition I’m sure. Sociopath/ psychopath maybe in all honesty. But after therapy the revaluation is so what? Can you fix or cure a psychopath? Do they change? Is there a cure? Would they be enlightened by this diagnosis and change their ways?

No.

So it’s irrelevant.

life is so short OP. This is your one and only life, your kids one and only childhood. Cherish them, don’t pour them into this person. It’s his issue not yours to fix or tolerate. Life isn’t for tolerating it’s to live, enjoy.

See if any of this resonates OP:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4603720-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasc-support-thread-6?reply=119167431

and before anyone jumps on me, I’m neurodiverse myself (adhd) in a relationship with another ND person (ASD) and it helps me significantly to have spaces that allow me to understand his differences to me, that our difficulties are not unique and it helps our relationship to be better (and would be fine if he did same with me and my ADHD). I won’t get drawn into any debates on that here, just wanted to assist OP.

I bet he's not like this at work. I bet he doesn't just arrive when he wants, or get up and walk out whenever he feels like it, refuse to co-operate with anybody, refuse to tell anyone what he's doing, where he's going or when he'll be back.

I am private, I find it difficult to talk about my feelings and sometimes people ask me questions and it feels very intrusive and uncomfortable.

Your husband isnt being 'private'. Not telling you that he is going to be disappearing for hours isnt being private, its not his feelings he is hiding, or his emotions, it's his movements, which affect you. Truly, what would happen if you just fucked off for the best part of the day and didnt tell him? Would he seriously be ok with it?

'He doesn't want anything from me and doesn't want me to ask anything from him'...but he IS asking stuff of you...or more accurately he is TELLING you by not turning up, that you're going to be doing his share of childcare, with no notice, for an entire day, without any idea if this is convenient for you or not. How can he be a parent and not understand that its shit to be left doing all the childcare with no agreement or notice?

If I'm honest (and I know you said no LTB so i wont say that) i think the counselling might be able to get him to understand that dropping you in it logistically isnt 'fair' as he would be annoyed if it was done to him. I suspect the best he will be able to do though is tell you in advance what he is doing and still leave you to deal with it, rather than act like most people in relationships and talk about arrangements that affect each other.

If he genuinely doesn't care about your feelings though I really don't think couples counselling can help here. You can't really learn empathy. His idea of a relationship is so skewed from most peoples it feels to me like he has too far to travel to get to 'normal'. It sounds like he is coming to counselling because he wants his relationship to work, for him, but not because he wants you to be happy as well, if that makes sense. So I'd keep my expectations low and see if you want to stay with him for any practical / financial reasons only because you're unlikely to get any emotional support from him ever

Because he acted very keen right at the beginning but when we moved in together he was very involved in a sport ie most weekends and some evenings during the week. I thought it was the sport that was keeping us apart and stupidly thought he would adjust when we started a family. He didn't, it got worse and I built up huge resentment because my life was effectively sidelined for his.

It wasn't until I ended up in therapy that I realised what he was. My family of origin are also dismissive avoidants so he seemed normal to me. They also backed up his selfishness which made it very difficult for me to stand up for myself ie I was the mad, bad, unreasonable one!

And no, I’m not saying everyone with ASD is an a-hole, ‘you’ve met one ND person…’ etc, but it might help OP to understand what behaviour is intentional and what he cannot help. It turned things around for us. It might not solve things here but it might help her process things, if indeed it is relevant at all.

This has absolutely nothing to do with being private, and absolutely everything to do with being a class a twat.

It sounds like there's something wrong with him. Is he quite right in the head? There's probably a technical medical name for it. I couldn't live with someone like that. What happened to caring and sharing?