How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

Sorry I didn’t realise how long my post was!

I’m utterly baffled at the lengths women go to to try to psychoanalyse the pond scum they’ve shackled themselves to presumably out of some misguided attempt to ‘fix them’. You are tying yourself in knots trying to excuse out and out blatant abuse, neglect and cruelty. Op wake up!

He has no development disorder or privacy issues. He’s just a cunt who saw a kind, naive woman (you) who he could easily dominate and coerce. Work on that. Then get the courage to leave. Because he’ll never change and it’s unhealthy for you and your kids to be around a twisted man like him.

@OneFootintheRave So what happens if you head out very early one morning without saying anything and don't come back until midnight. He says he asks nothing of you after all, so he should be fine with this?
.....

I wouldn't do that. But, pretending I would, I'm not sure he would say anything, depending on whether he was worried about my safety or not. If he wasn't worried he might say 'you were back late'.

My ex was extremely private person.

To give 1 example, we were together for just over a year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It came up in conversation with medics that she had long term ME, which she had never mentioned to me.

I think it is close to impossible to have a relationship, as most people would define one, with such a person.

Probably best for your own well being to treat extreme privacy as a personality quirk rather than major character defect.

I really don't think you should be going to counselling sessions together at all. Go on your own, and tell the counsellor what you've told us, and how his behaviour impacts you.

These really stood out to me:

I’m not allowed to touch anything that belongs to him

he gets offended very easily and likes affection when he wants it. Something happened that scared me a bit. We had been going to therapy and it was very clear that the only problem in our relationship in his eyes was me

He isn’t “very private”. He’s a selfish controlling arsehole. If he genuinely did not want anyone at all to know his daily whereabouts or touch any of his things then he shouldn’t have gotten into relationships or have had children.

I’m sorry OP, but he isn’t going to change. No amount of couples therapy will change him.

This is not a healthy dynamic and atmosphere for you and your children.

@UWhatNow please respect life in ponds which has a great benefit to other life in ponds, and do not compare them to this unpleasant man.

Private in keeping your life before you met private is one thing, this behaviour is anything but that. Selfish is being charitable.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay
It is often less painful to focus on "why is he like that" than "how does him being like that make me feel".
.....

I'm not sure my feelings are valid or, if they are, I don't see why they would be more important that his. He makes me feel unloved but I can understand that. I would find it comforting if I had a narrative to explain his behaviour.

Look Franklyfrost - it doesn't matter if or what the formal diagnosis for your partner is. He has no plans to change how behaves as he sees things you are the problem, not him.

I appreciate you want to know what drives him, but honestly save your energy to figure out what you are going to do. It's become something of a cliché and is an over used phrase but it still stands true - you can't make someone change. All you can do is change how you re-act to them.

You've been asked several times, (and have declined to answer so far, which is fine ) - what would happen if you left your partner with the children, without telling him where you were going and when you would return ? Don't feel you have to answer, but think it through. I would strongly urge you to continue counselling but by yourself, to help you think through your future actions. please remember you're deciding for your children as well as yourself. Make no bones about it - his behaviour is abusive

Yeah, he's not private, he's just a first class entitled selfish arsehole.

@diddl diddl · Today 16:59
His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

What does that mean?

You both do/take what you want?

So you get up & go out Sunday-he goes out for his bike ride & the kids get left??
....

I want the kids and him to be happy. I want him to have his bike ride, I want the kids to be looked after, I want to spend time with the kids. The problem was that he didn't tell me he'd be late and we'd planned an afternoon with a family activity and my own activity and for us all to have dinner. I don't mind the lateness, I do mind not being informed.

Being an arsehole is a condition that can exist in its own right.

you could be a nt or nd arsehole but the only thing that matters is the arsehole aspect. Agree it’s not helpful to suggest a ND. That’s not the issue. Being a arsehole is the condition here.

Your children must come first OP - I'm really worried about the emotional impact of his behaviours on them. He is far more than private or selfish. There would most certainly a diagnosis or even multiple, if he were assessed. He never will be however, because he thinks he is 'normal' - he will never change for the better. It is 40 plus years too late for that. He could very well get worse as he ages. Your therapist should be recommending individual therapy for you. Surely she has has identified that he is not a candidate for couples therapy? She has surely recognised that this is an abusive relationship? Even if he does think he is normal, and doesn't intend to be abusive. Please speak to your local Domestic Abuse Service. Whether he can help his behaviour or not is irrelevant - it is very abusive. Stop trying to work him out or cope - doing so just increases the time your children spend in this abusive environment.

It sounds as if you are bending over backwards to justify his selfishness as merely a desire for privacy. I don't think the word privacy can be used like that. Privacy means you don't want someone to watch you pee or know every single one of your innermost thoughts (for example). It has nothing to do with the fact that to facilitate togetherness and share responsibility for children, we all need to accommodate parts of our lives around our partners. That's just manners, and nothing to do with privacy.

"He's a private person" nope he's a twat by the sounds of it, why are you dressing up shitty behaviour as him wanting privacy? If you wanted privacy so bad you'd be single!! If my husband went out and didn't mention an ish time he'd be back or just message to say "staying longer" I'd worry, I'm not a control freak and nor is he but it's just common courtesy to say when you'll be back so the person that cares about you isn't sat worrying. It all just sounds hard work for you, are you happy? Do you want to continue in this relationship? I know it's hard if you have children together but it doesn't sound like a great situation.

Cross post - you're feelings are absolutely as valid as his. Always. But that does not mean you have to subsume your feelings to keep him happy. If being you, doesn't keep him happy, then you and not compatible as a couple. It's not a matter of whose is right and who is wrong. There is no shame is stepping away from an intolerable situation

There’s an awful lot of justification of his behavior in your posts about your partner.
Part of being in a relationship is sharing feelings/emotions and experiences. You don’t keep these from your spouse.
How are your children going to learn to have functioning loving relationships if they have such a dysfunctional relationship in front of them.
Most people make compromises for their partner. Why is he the exception?
At the very least he could be kind to you and actively find ways to add to your happiness. What would you say if this was a friend of yours experiencing this kind of relationship?

I'd say part of the point of being in a relationship is to have someone with whom it's not intrusive to know (pretty much) everything - something like basic movements shouldn't be an issue. Obviously you don't want just anyone all up in your business, but in a relationship it's reasonable to expect a partner to be informed of things that impact them. This really doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic.

@Franklyfrost

Tbh op I think you need counselling of your own to figure out why you accept being treated in this way and want to understand him rather than being able to see how horribly abusive his behaviour is

Is behaviour isn't acceptable in any way, so why are you putting up with it?

Why are you minimising your own normal wants and feelins in order to accommodate hos completely abnormal ones?

If you dont recognise or address why you have allowed yourself to ne treated so badly then nothing will change and you will bring your kids up to think as you do.

For me, when I need to I can discuss my perspectives, feelings and depending on the lady, my more detailed information and perspectives. I tend not to share my information, as usually people repeat x but don't always give context, or they try to do a Sherlock analysis.

Could you have him sent for a psychological assessment, the kind where you give some input into his behaviours too?

It does sound like there's something off about the way he views the world, especially if you feel that he isn't acting this way to be intentionally abusive and manipulating. Autism, ADHD, Avoidant personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, Bipolar, OCD are all pretty common disorders which can affect empathy and cause avoidance.

It sounds soul crushing to live with, I really hope that things get better for you soon.

So overall my preferences are to be a closed book type personality.

Whether he has some sort of developmental disorder; Autism spectrum, pathological avoidance, psychopathy, etc. is a red herring. Even with a diagnosis he’s treated you awfully and I don’t see it changing.
You honestly need to get rid.

@Heroicallyl0st
Look up a feelings wheel? Might help you articulate what you’re feeling with him and in general.

Also I know you said his childhood was okay but emotional neglect can seem pretty okay on the surface in that material needs were provided.

Im thinking there’s two options with him - either it’s some sort of pathological disorder but that would be really quite rare, or it’s developmental trauma, which counselling would help uncover. No doubt your counsellor is considering this. When she says he’s ‘private’, she probably means that he conceals his feelings. We learn to conceal our feelings in childhood if there’s reasons we learn that it’s scary to reveal them. So it could be an overbearing parent, or maybe the parent had unresolved trauma and taught the child that they couldn’t share else the parent would be overwhelmed (very scary for a small child as an overwhelmed parent means the child potentially not getting survival/attachment needs met).

Look up developmental trauma, childhood emotional neglect etc on Google - plenty of resources online - likely your counsellor will discuss to rule all of this out before considering a personality disorder.

....

Childhood traumas that he's related to me have been his mum not buying some designer shoes for him once and his dad asking him to help out with some diy once. They don't seem signs of anything awful to me but my judgement my be skewed or he's not providing the salient information.

I have shown him a feeling wheel which he was interested in as a curiosity in a 'oh these are feelings' way. I was considering getting a feeling wheel poster with the excuse that it was for the children but they're mostly negative feelings and I wasn't too keen on a wall of 'despair, nausea, regret, isolation...;

What a miserable way to live. You have a choice, your poor kids don't.

Why do women set the bar so bloody low?