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Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?
103

Nursemammato3 · 06/08/2022 10:08

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

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easylisten · 06/08/2022 10:15

Anyone can give you advice but you need to listen to the voice in your head on this one.

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AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 06/08/2022 10:18

This should be the honeymoon period. Honestly, you’re just not that into him.

plus he’s not exactly an equal partner… what’s your future?

plus any man who claims all his exes are difficult is a 🚩

Your instincts are right. Time to call it a day.

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HalfLass · 06/08/2022 10:21

Your instinct is telling you he's not right for you. I don't think it's the age gap, more a mismatch in values and drive.
I'd want someone who was more my equal and one who didn't leave me with nagging doubts.
Cut your losses and allow space for you to put your energy into someone who is worthy of it..yourself, your friends, and people who have a more proactive approach to life!

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MacaroniBaloney · 06/08/2022 10:22

You dont sound like an equal match in many ways OP. I'm not even sure you are in love.

Always a red flag to me when both ex's are 'difficult'.

To me he sounds like a cocklodger waiting in the wings. Still living at home, in debt and mum still cooks for him?

Throw him back OP, you can do better.

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MakeadealwithGod · 06/08/2022 10:25

He doesn’t sound like the right person for you. You have much more going for you than he does.

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MrsElm · 06/08/2022 10:26

I don't think that it's the age gap that is the problem here, it's the gap in maturity. You sound like you are a grown up. He does not.

I think you should concentrate on your own DC, without adding a manchild into the mix.

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Ogham · 06/08/2022 10:32

“He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence”

That jumped out to me as a red flag. Like other posters said, you need to listen to your gut instincts on these matters. You have worked hard to get where you are now and it sounds like his lack of get up and go is naturally irritating for you.

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Opentooffers · 06/08/2022 10:58

You do make it sound like the relationship is more about him massaging your ego with comments. Yes it's nice to get them, but it's not the be all and end all. It's easy to fall for them when the ego is fragile.
Apart from that, I'm not hearing many good points, he perhaps feels more secure about you not having any more DC as he's so far had one from each of his 2 relationships.
You can't necessarily put all his behaviour down to age gap or being a man. Plenty of men don't do hours of gaming thank God - that would be so off-putting. Also lots of men his age after 2 DC would be more independent, you are just poles apart in lifestyles. I think you are wise to not entangle your personal lives too much, I can't see this being a long term thing either really.

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ABitCofused · 06/08/2022 11:04

He is in a poor financial situation
The age gap
The previous relationships with children where it is always the Mum being difficult
The X Box
Do you really want to end up in a possible 5 children in the house scenario.....you know it makes sense to dump him. I bet he told that to his previous girlfriends as well. Sorry but don't lose your freedom and how far you have come.

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Dotcheck · 06/08/2022 11:08

He’s not fully grown

Personally, anyone who doesn’t actively father their children doesn’t get a second date

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BirdWatch · 06/08/2022 11:12

I wouldn't.

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illbeinthegarden · 06/08/2022 11:23

No one falls in love quicker than a man looking for a place to stay!

I think your lives are too mismatched here... throw him back.

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VanillaParkersBowl · 06/08/2022 11:25

I feel so guilty for thinking how I think

Why?

Listen to your instinct, it's desperate to be heard.

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DragonflyNights · 06/08/2022 11:40

Im always suspicious of people who claim others have made them a better person. Sure we can be positively influenced by other people, but it should be up to each individual to grow and mature because they want to. Saying it’s someone else who has done it (especially being ‘calmer’ -what’s that supposed to mean? That your love has sorted out a temper problem? That worrying) is putting a lot of responsibility onto that person to be a rescuer.

Couple with not one but two ‘difficult’ exes, and not evoke seeing one of his children? Sorry but he sounds immature at best.

Add to the fact he’s still living with his mum and she’s still mothering him like a kid, i’d be very wary. He can’t afford to move out of his mums so the natural progression is to move in with you and you get to mummy him. Plus not driving and always being at yours - it’s just not equal, you’re not compatible.

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IrisVersicolor · 06/08/2022 11:44

Well, you’re his second mum aren’t you.

He’s not really an adult male in any way.

Definitely don’t introduce him to your kids.

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jammiewhammie65 · 06/08/2022 11:48

Not got much going for him has he !

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totallyoutnumbered · 06/08/2022 11:58

Agree with the others. You're having your doubts. You've come so far to settle for this, compliments or not. I once had a brief relationship with a much younger man (15 years younger) so hear your concerns. It wouldn't have ever worked but he definitely had his life together. Own house, very good job and studying to further his prospects. This one hasn't fully matured. One of my essentials is a parent who takes full responsibility and actually parents their child. Anything else is just a no

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Quitelikeit · 06/08/2022 12:04

Don’t meet his child.

no one here really knows his intentions and he has been slammed

you can enjoy him but keep him at arms length - I would do that until I found something better!!!

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Babdoc · 06/08/2022 12:07

You are being groomed and lovebombed by an obvious abuser, with a string of red flags. Run, don’t walk.

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RadiatorCrush · 06/08/2022 12:29

Two difficult baby mamas?! This will always be inherently complicated. He doesn't see one child at the moment but that could change. Then you'll be his fourth priority after two kids and two mamas. Throw in his mother, then you're down to sixth place. Is that what you want?

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Vainandjustrealised · 06/08/2022 12:49

More red flags than the soviets here OP

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frozendaisy · 06/08/2022 14:17

To me he sounds like a cocklodger waiting in the wings. Still living at home, in debt and mum still cooks for him?

Throw him back OP, you can do better.

not another word needed
**

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FawnDrench · 06/08/2022 14:25

He's not grown up yet and you're not equal at all in maturity or outlook.
He is avoiding responsibility and behaving like an adolescent.
In effect you are mothering 4 children.

He's not the person you need imo.

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hereyougoagain · 06/08/2022 14:38

@Nursemammato3 do you love him or love his reaction to you?

Do not take how he makes you feel about yourself for feelings for him.

There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about when you are reluctant to meet his kid, the situation just lit up for you what you knew subconsciously all along. It'd be worse to get the children entangled and THEN break up, you'd feel even worse. I agree with pp, it's not an age gap, it's a maturity gap.

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AgentJohnson · 06/08/2022 14:44

What @FawnDrench said.

Your gut is talking to you, my advice, is to start listening to it. There is more to a relationship than having your ego stroked.

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