Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?

[Nursemammato3]

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years and we are not married.
And he doesn't like to show PDA when we are in public. What do you think is wrong?

@Analyn83 You need to start your own thread.

It sounds as though you are making do and talking yourself into making it work. Don't just settle.

He has messaged to say his behavior was outrageous and he is aware he has upset me.
Long story short. He has argued with his ex over this new guy staying over and has concerns over this with his ds. He called them selfish c*t's. He said he spoke to her worse than he spoke to me. He said I'm not the man I am when I'm with you. He said when it comes to his loved ones, he gets angry and it is his son, he saw red. He compared it to our argument via text. He then said his mum warned him not to continue texting me last week (the night he was angry I didn't meet his mum), because it wouldn't end well. He said he ignored her and she was right he said.

Too much to te t but tge reasons he was mad.
He is so proud of me and is dying to show me off to his family.
Compared to my ex, he has been respectful and understanding, always wanting me to feel comfortable and I can't do one thing for him and meet his mum. This made him think he is more invested than me. He said if I asked him to do something that made him feel uncomfortable, he would in a heart beat because it meant making me happy.
He then went on to my ex. My ex wasn't very emotionally supportive and I kept going back to that behaviour, thinking it would change. I learnt alot about myself and from that I like to think I have more self respect and boundaries in place. He says. It went on to contraception.
Sorry if too much information. I'm just baffled by his thoughts on this one.
For a long time previously I have had numerous pills, all not agreeing with me. I'm of age where my hormones are all over the place and I have had a few health issues that have made me quite unwell (this is ongoing and waiting on OH to carry out an assessment at work to help).
Anyway, past experiences have led me to take a morning after pill. Not something I am proud of, but I am human and like I say learnt from it.
He has said, even though wearing a condom is uncomfortable for him, he wears one so I feel happy. It angers him that I haven't used this form of contraception in the past. I explain it was a long time ago and since that, I like to think I have developed a little more self respect and reflected on many mistakes I have made. It just makes him mad apparently.
He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship. His ex has been difficult from the beginning and he has had to fight her over it. An example, she would get angry if he didn't reply quick enough and she would say its because he's with me. He said she has said alot more that he doesn't tell me because he doesn't want me to worry.
I have said it's not my fault how she acts. He said not directly but he has put up with alot.
He then said we have only been away once in 18 months. I said we haven't been able to afford it. He said he has said on several occasions (he had a tax rebate and suggested it. I told him he should save it as he kept saying he wanted to move out). So I'm not sure where he was going with that.
He has said he's been full of anxiety. He wants to fix this. His anxiety relates to will I trust his behaviour again.
I told him the messages were going back and forth and he needs to enjoy his weekend with his ds.

Tbh this all sounds like too much hard work. I wouldn’t want to get involved if his ex has so much influence on him/his relationship and makes him angry towards you.

I think deep down you didn’t want to meet his Mum because this would be significant and moving to the next stage if you like and you just wanted to keep things more casual.

I mean at some point presumably he would want to move in with you, maybe that’s what he hints at when he says he wants to move out?

I think you are now seeing a side to him you don’t want to see and really I don’t think his complaints are totally valid but have you told each other you love each other? If so, maybe he expects more from you than you are prepared to give?

Op, this man has so many red flags and seems the eternal victim. His anger flares when you say No to him. He is easily slighted and lashes out. I suspect he behaved similarly to his Exs but ramped him his behaviour once they had children. I wonder if he discouraged them from using condoms.

I think he wants to move your relationship on so that you become more dependant on him. Your independence and freedom will annoy him and it means you are not easily controlled.

It takes 2 years to see someones behaviour and I think you are now getting glimpses of the real man. Please believe him when he tells you about the nasty side he has. You will definitely be on the receiving end at some stage. To think otherwise is extremely naive.

To save yourself so much trouble later, get rid of this man. Recognise that you might still need to value yourself more but the fact you haven't moved him in shows you have good instincts. Trust yourself to listen to them.

Yes this is important ok.

As an ex dv advisor I'd see ladies explain their situation clearly and see the truth, as you have done. You sense something is amiss and now you have seen it in the flesh, as it were.

The messages he's sending you are confusing you. You were a foot out of the door and the messages are drawing you backwards.

My advice to you is to disengage with what he is saying. Stop reading, stop responding, stop analysing it. You know the score. Now guard your self.

Basically you have not ended it? Why on earth not?

He said he spoke to her worse than he spoke to me. He said I'm not the man I am when I'm with you. He said when it comes to his loved ones, he gets angry and it is his son, he saw red.

Translation: so far I am only being slightly nasty with you, but if you continue to behave in a way that I don't like look how much nastier I could get

He is so proud of me and is dying to show me off to his family.

Sounds like he thinks of you as a possession to show off

Compared to my ex, he has been respectful and understanding, always wanting me to feel comfortable and I can't do one thing for him and meet his mum.

Translation: let me push past your boundaries under the pretence that I am a nice guy (nice guys don't push past boundaries)

He said if I asked him to do something that made him feel uncomfortable, he would in a heart beat because it meant making me happy.
He has said, even though wearing a condom is uncomfortable for him, he wears one so I feel happy.

Seriously, the only example he could come up with of doing something to make you happy where he was uncomfortable was wearing a frigging condom? Like, being a normal functioning adult in a relationship? Wow what a prince. So basically if he has to wear a condom he is okay to expect you to ignore your boundaries and what makes you comfortable? Respecting peoples boundaries is not a bartering situation!

It angers him that I haven't used this form of contraception in the past. I explain it was a long time ago and since that, I like to think I have developed a little more self respect and reflected on many mistakes I have made. It just makes him mad apparently.

Oooh nice bit of slut shaming to add in there, he doesn't have a very high opinion of you at all does he.

He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship. His ex has been difficult from the beginning and he has had to fight her over it.
I have said it's not my fault how she acts. He said not directly but he has put up with alot.

I mean he called his ex a cunt for having a new partner stay over so I think the fact he is getting shit is on him not you, he's reaping what he sows.

He has said he's been full of anxiety. He wants to fix this. His anxiety relates to will I trust his behaviour again.

No, if you have anxiety its a medical problem, which can be fixed with medication and therapy. Not by using it to try to control someone else's behaviour. Its just another tool in his abusive arsenal, 'do as I say otherwise you are responsible for my behaviour and reactions'.

I told him the messages were going back and forth and he needs to enjoy his weekend with his ds.

You need to block him.

Why on earth are you still talking to him?

Block him.

Put your daughter first and stop continuing to see a man who has an anger problem, admitted "he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see" but has started to show it to you.

He's angry you previously didn't use condoms with partners and are now more responsible sexually. He's angry about that. He's fucking mental mate. And that's just one example!

You'd be foolish and self destructive to continue speaking to this man if you didn't have a kid. You're irresponsible and selfish to keep doing so considering you do have a kid.

I can't believe you haven't ended it and blocked him 😞

Crikey, he's awful OP, can't you see that?

It makes him angry to wear a condom? IF it's genuinely uncomfortable he needs to try a different size or brand. But getting angry about it is very worrying, and if you're still seeing him, I really wouldn't trust him to use condoms correctly.

These messages back and forth from him are so childish, surely you can see through it? He ‘wants to show you off’, ‘He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship’, it’s all VERY dramatic and teenage like, don’t you think? How are you listening to all this dramatic SHITE?

He then switches from this proud hero to: ‘ he has put up with alot.’ And you are now also responsible for his anxiety, charming! Is he 12?

seriously can you not see all the red flags here? This guys is only getting started.

He has messaged to say his behavior was outrageous and he is aware he has upset me.
Long story short. He has argued with his ex over this new guy staying over and has concerns over this with his ds. He called them selfish ct's. Nothing to do with you, no excuse to treat you poorly. Also, it's up to his ex to decide when she introduces a new man.*

He said he spoke to her worse than he spoke to me. So what? Slightly less nastiness is supposed to be a point in his favour?!

He said I'm not the man I am when I'm with you. Bullshit. You've had a taste of his anger already, there will be more to come. It's an ego-stroke to say he's different with you, but he's already shown that's a lie. Plus being nice should be the default for a person, not a revelationary change.

He said when it comes to his loved ones, he gets angry and it is his son, he saw red. Funny how he's got no contact with his other child, isn't it? He compared it to our argument via text. He then said his mum warned him not to continue texting me last week (the night he was angry I didn't meet his mum), because it wouldn't end well. He said he ignored her and she was right he said. Ignores women because he has a low oopinion of them

Too much to te t but tge reasons he was mad.
He is so proud of me and is dying to show me off to his family. Like a prize pig
Compared to my ex, he has been respectful and understanding, always wanting me to feel comfortable So he wants cookies for behaving decently and I can't do one thing for him and meet his mum yes, he does - he thinks that not actively being an asshole and behaving in a normal way, means you owe him. You should EXPECT your bf to be respectful and understanding, it's not special, it's the basic stuff you should just have with someone. not to mention, you called off the meeting because you had a sick child, not to deliberately muck him about. This made him think he is more invested than me. Bullshit, to make you feel bad. He said if I asked him to do something that made him feel uncomfortable, he would in a heart beat because it meant making me happy. Bullshit, he kicks off when things don't go his way.
He then went on to my ex. My ex wasn't very emotionally supportive and I kept going back to that behaviour, thinking it would change. I learnt alot about myself and from that I like to think I have more self respect and boundaries in place. This is good, you should actually keep that up and build boundaries. You won't if you let him pull them down. He says. It went on to contraception.
Sorry if too much information. I'm just baffled by his thoughts on this one.
For a long time previously I have had numerous pills, all not agreeing with me. I'm of age where my hormones are all over the place and I have had a few health issues that have made me quite unwell (this is ongoing and waiting on OH to carry out an assessment at work to help).
Anyway, past experiences have led me to take a morning after pill. Not something I am proud of, but I am human and like I say learnt from it. nothing wrong with taking steps to prevent a potential unwanted pregnancy. Be careful not to overshare things you seem to feel bad about with someone you cannot trust.
He has said, even though wearing a condom is uncomfortable for him, get a different size or try a different brand! he wears one so I feel happy. it's not to "make you happy", it's to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and to stop you having bad side-effects! It angers him that I haven't used this form of contraception in the past. It's none of his business what contraception you've used in the past. It would be none of his business if you used to perform different sex acts on previous partners, but no longer wish to. Your past is your own, it is not a weapon or an affront to him. I explain it was a long time ago and since that, I like to think I have developed a little more self respect and reflected on many mistakes I have made. It just makes him mad apparently. This isn't normal. He's an angry man, an abusive man.
He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship. Bullshit His ex has been difficult from the beginning and he has had to fight her over it. Bullshit. He's an adult, they have split. An example, she would get angry if he didn't reply quick enough and she would say its because he's with me. So shrug it off. Unless he's missing emergencies, it doesn't matter what she says. He said she has said alot more that he doesn't tell me because he doesn't want me to worry. He's trying to create a drama triangle here. His relationship with his ex is his to manage and nothing to do with you.
I have said it's not my fault how she acts. He said not directly no, it isn't indirectly your fault either. If he isn't disengaged enough from the ex to be able to date, that's their problem, not your fault directly or indirectly but he has put up with alot.Bullshit. He engages with it by choice.
He then said we have only been away once in 18 months. I said we haven't been able to afford it. He said he has said on several occasions (he had a tax rebate and suggested it. I told him he should save it as he kept saying he wanted to move out). So I'm not sure where he was going with that.
He has said he's been full of anxiety. He wants to fix this.So go to a therapist or to a GP, get professional help.. His anxiety relates to will I trust his behaviour again. Ahh, we're back to it being your fault again.

I told him the messages were going back and forth and he needs to enjoy his weekend with his ds. He's a bad egg, OP, stop messaging with him. Move on. He's no better than your previous partner, he's just not shown his full colours yet, but look at him - he's an angry angry man, and he is not different with you.

Stop listening to his words OP. Start looking at his behaviours.
He blames everyone but himself for his toxicity.

Compared to my ex, he has been respectful and understanding, always wanting me to feel comfortable and I can't do one thing for him and meet his mum.
"I think I abuse you less than your ex did, therefore you owe me."

This made him think he is more invested than me.
I sincerely hope so OP.

He said if I asked him to do something that made him feel uncomfortable, he would in a heart beat because it meant making me happy.
No he fucking wouldn't.
Even if he did - can you see how desperately unhealthy & manipulative this little speech is OP? "Love means making yourself uncomfortable to make your loved one happy."
That is what he will expect from you if you are daft enough to keep seeing him.

He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship. His ex has been difficult from the beginning and he has had to fight her over it. An example, she would get angry if he didn't reply quick enough and she would say its because he's with me. He said she has said alot more that he doesn't tell me because he doesn't want me to worry.
"I'm going to pick a situation that has got fuck-all to do with you & make you feel responsible for it. Then I'm going to tell you what a great guy I am for not telling you about it."
Logic is not his strong suit is it OP?
He's also trying to make you do the Pick-Me Dance against his ex, btw. That's a dumping offence on its own.

PP has covered the awful condom speech, but you need to consider this very carefully - it makes him mad that you didn't use condoms before him, but now wish to?
DANGER DANGER RED FLAG RED FLAG
Why did he even know what contraception you used prior to him?
What the fuck business is it of his?
Are you seeing how controlling, invasive, & possessive he is yet?
This man digs into your history to find sticks to beat you with.
Keep seeing him & in a matter of weeks it will be "I'm mad because you wore Y/did sex act X/ when you were with your ex but you haven't done it for me."
"I'm mad because you looked at the barman & ignored me"
"I'm mad because you wanted to go out with your women friends so obviously you don't love me."

He then said he has fought our corner when it comes to our relationship.
Healthy relationships don't need their corners fighting for.
This melodramatic prick isn't capable of being in a relationship with you, It has to involve all his exes, your exes, his mother, his DC ...
& all of it, ALL OF IT, is being weaponised by him as excuses for him to behave poorly, while blaming you for his behaviour.

He is a mess, & beyond that, he leeches off you.
Please stop being manipulated by his ridiculous, self-centred drama. He is emotionally incontinent. Get rid of him, do the Freedom Programme (again, if you've done it before) & start healing from this twisted mindfuckery.

Behaving badly & then apologising for it while providing a shitlist of toxic "reasons" (excuses) for why you behaved like a shit is NOT GOOD ENOUGH OP.
All it ever leads to it more bad behaviour, followed by more self-justification.
And rinse & repeat.

Please, get out now.

OMG, THIS! ^

Also -

He said when it comes to his loved ones, he gets angry
And you are supposedly one of his loved one OP.
He has just given himself permission to get angry with you.
Wanna stick around to see how that plays out?

He said I'm not the man I am when I'm with you.
Teenage bullshit. Also illogical nonsense!
It's just another version of the above.
"I'm an angry little man but you make me behave better. Sometimes. Therefore it is your job to keep me behaving well. When I fail to behave well - bingo! - it's your fault. You must have let me down. Or made me angry. My good behaviour is dependent on you doing what I want & keeping me happy."

He's fucking mental mate.

👏👏👏

When are you going to wake up & see this OP?
& realise that you owe this abusive cunt NOTHING?

Why are you engaging in this nonsense? What for?

It is absolutely terrifying to read you are still engaging with this angry, highly abusive man while responsible for three children.

He is a complete nut job.

Stop engaging.
Block him.
Ring the police if he comes near your home.

For goodness sake cop yourself on.
You have 3 children depending on you.

Have you evaluated why you you’re still engaging with him OP?

Are you terrified of being alone? Are you addicted to the attention? Do you need support?

So he’s blaming you because he doesn’t want to wear a condom and thinks you should take the morning after pill all the time?

by his personal assessment he thinks he’s not as abusive as your abusive ex so you should be grateful?

his ‘crazy ex’ put him in a bad mood so he got cross at you?

why have you not blocked him on all media?
you are being abused, and are in an abusive relationship with this man who is attempting to breakdown what little personal red flags you do have.

is this how you want to spend your life, dancing to this man’s tune, walking on eggshells in case you ‘make him’ abuse you?

he’s a loser with nothing going for him, and wants you to beg him to come back, you didn’t so he’s sending you demented texts. He’s the crazy one.

Why would you want to be with someone who brings so much abuse, drama and angst into your life?

I have engaged in conversation as I have not known how to deal with it. Right or wrong, I'm here for support.
Thankyou to those who have supported and advised. It's making more sense to me about some things. It's having a feeling that doesn't sit well then someone here puts it in a way of me understanding. Thankyou.

Someone asked if I am scared to be alone. Not at all. They asked do I need support. I felt that to be quite patronising in the way it was said but yes, I do/did and thankyou to all that have.

I am also very aware that this behaviour isn't right and I have not seen him. My children are not involved in any way. The whole point of posting here is for support. Life can feel heavy sometimes when you don't have anyone to talk to.

I think people are asking reasonable questions, OP. Asking you to evaluate why you’re behaving in a certain way IS supportive.

You know his behaviour is unacceptable, but instead of ending the relationship, you’re engaging in pointless back and forth conversations with someone who is clearly unhinged. We’re wondering why?

When you say you don’t know how to deal with it, what do you mean? In practical terms, what part of ending the relationship is giving you difficulty and why?

Even with all the points you mention, which would be enough to warrant ending it, the first and most important thing for me would be that he has a daughter he doesn't see. For me, that's not acceptable and I wouldn't want to be with a man who hadn't ensured he was part of his child's life.

I appreciate the support.
I suppose I question myself in all of it. Meeting his mum was a big thing and I didn't do it. I feel guilty as he has had a hard time with his ex over me. I don't want to hurt anyone. He says he's hurting.
I remember the good too. Hope, this post is helping me see things differently.
I don't know what a normal relationship is maybe. I'm trying to get all my thoughts out here to understand myself too.

I understand life is hard when you don’t have someone to talk to. But talking to someone who is screwed up and manipulative makes life heavier not lighter.

He says he’s hurting as he knows that will hook you in.

The only thing to be done here is to disengage completely from him emotionally and verbally - close all lines of communication. That includes block in him on all forms of social media.