Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?

[Nursemammato3]

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

He’s a pending drain, OP. And I think you know what you need to do. It’s hard to walk but it sure is easier than sticking around for the ‘I told you so’ remorse you will inevitably face if you stay with him.

Well 'a calming influence' seems to be telling half a story, does he have a temper?

Thankyou all!
I have been on my own so long. I don't even know what 'normal' is. I have dated before but I have never found anyone compatible. This guy feels easy going. Yes, he does say lovely things (I haven't had this before). It's not everything, I know. He has said he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see. It's hard to even imagine as he is very soft with me. Kind and thoughtful. He has said I'm not the type of person to 'push those buttons '. I can imagine this sounds concerning to read but I have honestly never seen anger from him at all. I do believe people can change and I do believe others can have positive influences on us like he says I have on him. However, yes, that is alot of responsibility for me. He should want to better himself for him, not me. It very much feels like he's doing it for me.
He struggled to live without his ds and I honestly think if he hadn't met me, he would have gone back to his ex. I think this as he often says he couldn't have done it without me. I feel guilty about that as she has moved on now. He tells me he's lost without me. He is a lovely guy, I don't want to paint a bad picture of him.

Urgh after your second update in particular that's a throw him back!!

He is making other people responsible for his behaviour.

You are apparently responsible for his good behaviour. And the only reason he is saying you haven't seen him angry his because you haven't 'pushed his buttons' i.e. been responsible for his anger.

He has no ownership over his behaviour at all does he. Which means the minute you put a foot wrong it will be okay to get angry with you, because in his head it will be all your fault.

Forget the age gap, or the living at home, or the crappy parenting, etc etc these two sentences along are honking great big red flags.

You don't say how old the pair of you are. It could be 19 and 33 , or even 34 and 48 . Either of those approx mixes would come with their separate issues .
If he is quite young then yes you could well be looked at as a possible 2nd mum in as much as a ready made home , somewhere to go when he fancies a change of scenery from his childhood home . Easy relationship for him as he just needs to chuck a few compliments your way and you are happy.
Slightly older , he might stray sooner rather than later as could have his eye turned by a younger person. Should not be living at home at that age with such a reliance on his mother .
Red flag from him either age , not seeing his first child , he seems to blame the mother's for things , he sounds like a cocklodger .

Do you go on dates together ?
Who pays for these dates ?
Does he suggest days out / weekend's always / future holidays ?

Listen to your instincts

You should be running for the hills, everything about him screams man child. It's concerning that you're not listening to your instincts. You know it's not right so end it.

31 and 45.
He moved back home after he separated as he couldn't finance his own place. I can never actually see this happening either as what goes in to his bank on pay day is gone, usually within 3 weeks. I'm a single person, so understand how difficult it can be financially. We go to the cinema. I don't drink so we don't go out for drinks. We don't go away as I can't afford it as I have one wage and a mortgage. He has paid for takeaways in the past but then I cook too.

Just the fact he doesn't drive would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds a bit shit.

This. All of this.

Red flag: He has said he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see. So he's forewarning you, he doesn't "want" you to see it, but he's letting you know it's there.

It's hard to even imagine as he is very soft with me. Kind and thoughtful. How do you think dodgy/abusive types get into relationships? They don't start off being scary.

Red flag: He has said I'm not the type of person to 'push those buttons '. Riiight, so it has been the fault of the women he's shown his temper to😕. That's exactly what an abusive person says. Guarantee it'll be "your fault for provoking him" if it goes south.

Red flag: Giving you the ego-stroke of being so special you've changed him, which is loaded with you becoming responsible for how he behaves. Plus the mentioning of he doesn't know what he'd do without you or whatever it was - it's all emotional blackmailing rubbish to make you feel obliged, it's not cute or loving.

Thankyou all. I needed this. Sometimes it's not easy to think clearly alone. Especially the not being responsible for his behaviour and emotional blackmailing. I knew something wasn't sitting well.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me

Don't waste any more time with this loser unless you want to give up all chances of settling down with a more secure person!

He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence

Massive red flag.

People in the right headspace for a relationship don't need to rely on other people to regulate their moods and behaviours.

When he's telling you that you're a calming influence, what he really means is that if you behave in a way he's not happy with then he won't be calm about it and it will be your fault for deviating from your role as the calming influence.

It all sounds joyless tbh. His mum cooks for him and makes his sandwiches, while he plays video games and ducks out of adulthood... I can't fathom wanting to shag someone like that.

I know his type and they don't change. Women exist to make his life easier. Women who don't do so are woman-ing wrong, like his exes.

However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it. I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

This is your sanity speaking. Listen to it!

I've just seen you have three kids.

Mate, throw this manchild back in the sea for goodness sake.

He has said he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

If you ever hear a man say this again, stop dating them immediately.

Decent, normal, fundamentally nice people would never need to say this.

It's a threat of sorts too. I could hurt you, but I hope I don't have to.

You've got kids. This guy shouldn't have been on the scene for as long as he has been but it's good you're seeing now that he's a wrongen.

Abusers keep our heads filled with them and their behaviour so much it's very often difficult to see what is right in front of our eyes. Once you have space to see the bigger picture, or get others' opinions, things can become more clear.

If his first name begins with J, second name with an M, run a mile!!!!!

Don't let him move in with you.

He has said I'm not the type of person to 'push those buttons'

At least the terrible side of himself is always someone else's fault 🙄

The hills are that way👉 if you fancy a run

Yesterday, I posted as I was feeling like I was so overwhelmed and just needed to talk. We had discussed meeting his ds. Firstly he wanted me to meet his mum. He hasn't been happy as I have put this off. I do have a busy life but I admit I didn't feel ready. I had agreed to pop there yesterday evening. However, posted here and was feeling quite different. I also got a call from my dd to pick her up from her friends as she was unwell. So, I messaged him to say, I'm really sorry, I'm picking my dd up, could we rearrange (this also gave me time to think about how I was going to have the conversation with him, obviously I don't want to hurt him). Anyway, he was not happy.
He said, no, no point. So I apologised and said why I couldn't make it. He then said I was taking the piss as I have not wanted to meet his mum all along (he's not wrong, I admit I kept putting it off). He said he's done with this facade. So again said, I had to collect my dd. He then said, it's never your fault. I explained it was unexpected. He said, this is typical you (my life is so busy as I don't have help from dcs dad and I work so sometimes my plans can change last minute, story of my life and it has been for many years).
He then said, imagine if I let you down. I told him I couldn't leave my dd at her friends. He then said it's always about me, never about him. He has been wronged. I have had plenty of opportunities to meet his mum (I admit I have). He then said I'm not your ex with no emotional attachment. I felt it was getting too personal as I had opened up and told him things about my ex. I told him I think we should probably end this conversation as its getting out of hand. Again I apologised. He kept messaging saying, I had never wanted to meet his mum. He has met my mum and I hadn't considered his feelings , I never do. He then told me to fuck off and find someone with no emotional attachment. Let's see if the next mug treats you well, accepts your family and gets fuck all in return. I said I'm sorry you feel like I gave you fuck all. He then said run away as per usual, never front up. You don't need me, I was just a pawn.
I actually don't know what he means by 'a pawn'.
I do feel terrible for letting him down last minute. Anyway that was that. Feeling a bit like poop this morning as In my head I had doubts so outwardly maybe that came across to him.

So is the relationship now over OP? Bit unclear from your update. If not, please end it. Today.

He sounds unstable. He sounds like someone who likes to blame others for things he doesn’t like. He blames others when it doesn’t go to plan, when things don’t happen in the way he think they should.

Don’t stay with someone who speaks to you like that. Please have some self-respect and cut him off. He’s making YOU responsible for HIS feelings. That’s control. Cut him off.

Oh love, what an awful update but he showed his true colours! Just stop all contact now. What a great near miss. Do not get sucked back in when he inevitably gets in touch doe-eyed to apologise and beg forgiveness. He doesn't add to your busy life, just leave him now and carry on alone like the strong woman you already are.

Feeling a bit like poop this morning as In my head I had doubts so outwardly maybe that came across to him.

You're entitled to have doubts. You’re entitled to question the future of your relationship, especially with someone with whom you don’t have any commitments apart from the occasional takeaway or cinema trip.

@Nursemammato3 you said something he didn't like and he's shown you who he really is. Be glad you know sooner rather than later.
Well done for standing your ground. Now bin the guilt and him and get on with your life