Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?

[Nursemammato3]

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

He struggled to live without his ds

The poor little darling!
He managed pretty well, walking away from his DD though.
Curious, that ...

I suppose I feel guilty as I had those doubts when he always wanted to please me.
You have this all arse about face OP.
He wasn't trying to please you - hes been Love Bombing you.

You have now seen for yourself what happens when you "push his buttons" - this time, by having the temerity to put your sick child first.

His crack about finding someone who will "accept your family" is ghastly.
He doesn't even parent his own DC, he doesn't get to act all noble about YOURS because he comes round to get his leg over & eat your food.

He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence

He has said he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see. It's hard to even imagine as he is very soft with me. Kind and thoughtful. He has said I'm not the type of person to 'push those buttons'

He's outright told you that if you aren't compliant and don't do what he wants, he will show you a temper that would frighten you and possibly hurt you.

Sorry OP but you've got kids - what the fuck are you thinking continuing to see this walking red flag with an ego entirely unwarranted by how painfully average he sounds?

It's foolish to be with a man like this when you only have yourself to think about. It's irresponsible when you also have children to safeguard.

Stop giving him headspace and just end it.

OP the cinema incident is batshit.
You should not have to bend yourself into a pretzel trying to come up with some form of words to "ease him gently into" the concept of a factual update about seats.

Please dump him, today. By text - short, sharp, & unequivocal. No room for negotiation.
And as PP said, bag up any of his belongings & hand them over at the door - do NOT let him into your home again.
He WILL kick off at the door - he will try some form of playacting, mindgaming & manipulation.
So you might be better off posting them to his mum's.

Thankyou all for your messages.
Yes, I can see others have told me to run for the hills, it sometimes takes others to help us see. It makes sense and the comment about him not wanting to see a side to him has never sat well. I'm guilty of ignoring red flags. However, reading here, things make sense. I guess this is the side! It's not kind and thoughtful. I was still feeling guilty about not meeting his mum. The more I read, the more I feel less so. He is absolutely blaming others for his behaviour.
He also told me to entertain those who message me as my phone is always going off. He has never said anything like that before. My phone is full of rubbish really. If I'm honest, nobody messages me.
I did have nothing to say to him.
What does concern me is why I have ignored red flags, ignored my instincts and relied on his compliment. I have alot to learn Bout myself here too.

You know you don't need a reason to leave someone don't you OP?

You seem like you are tying yourself up in knots trying to come up with a 'good enough' reason to leave. Like if its not good enough then you have to stay.

If you want to leave the relationship then just do it. You don't owe him anything. You don't need a reason that's 'good enough' just wanting to leave is 'good enough'.

Just walk away and be happy without him

Sorry I cross posted with you OP

I don't want to message him to end it as far as I'm concerned that was the end lastnight.
To be honest, I feel a bit worried about making him more angry. I'd rather just leave it. I hope I don't have to speak to him.
I feel a bit stupid now as so many have asked why I have ignored the red flags. Its definitely over! He won't come knocking will he? What if there is more to the side he didn'twant me to see?! I actually feel a bit vulnerable after reading and reflecting here.

So are you 100% going to leave him OP?

He's bad news.

And your kids deserve a happy, secure and present mum.

Not a mum constantly having to second guess herself, giving headspace to a little arsehole with a history of a 'temper' and generally feeling anxious because of him.

Sorry OP cross posted there.

Really glad you're going to end it.

What does concern me is why I have ignored red flags, ignored my instincts and relied on his compliment. I have alot to learn Bout myself here too.

Hey, nobody knows this stuff until somebody else teaches it to them!
Here's a starting point for you OP - watch the video, then sign yourself up - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

He'll probably try to get back in with you, by alternating nice & nasty, or pretending nothing's happened, once he's realised you consider it's over.

Do you need to do anything to disentangle yourself, such as transferring belongings, cancelling future events or holidays, etc? If not, just block and ignore any attempts to contact unless he threatens you or something.

It's hard to say what will happen next, he will likely be angry about you taking him up on his offer to break things off, because that threat was meant to bring you back in line, not as an easy exit. How he chooses to behave when he realises his tactic backfired isn't on you.

Keep an eye on things, be prepared for potential nastiness, but he's obviously very lazy so it may not be an issue.

I'd be blocking him. Men like that tend to drip more poison in your inbox when they realise you're not begging them for forgiveness.

You are lucky enough to have finally seen his true colours. He was projecting from the start. I can guarantee his ex’s are the victims, not him. He is the perpetrator, and he gave you a warning about his ‘other’ side. So many red flags here, and your instinct was telling you, but he lovebombed you and then when you rejected his wishes he turned on you and tried to manipulate you into believing him. Classic narcissistic behaviour. I suggest you educate yourself on perpetrators like this. He could start harassing you and you want to be prepared. DO NOT under any circumstances, underestimate his behaviour. Please reach out to support services and the police if he starts to threaten you, stalk you, intimidate you, harass you. Educate yourself on the term ‘Charmed and Dangerous’ it’s a domestic violence term that describes perpetrators like him. If he does keep harassing you, don’t buy into anything he says, don’t let him near you and don’t try to reason with him, you can’t reason with unreasonable unpredictable people.

Actually OP, he sounds scary as hell! Don’t want to worry you but this guy sounds really controlling so he will ALWAYS want to be in control! He won’t allow you to end it so he will give you merry hell until he wants it to end.
Stay away from him….

He sounds like a psycho and every additional post makes him sound worse.

I'm glad it's over. I'd block him now tbh.

Well done Sandy! Try to be more selective next time. There are plenty of decent men out there.

You seem like a strong independent woman. I don’t think you will fall for his sob story. It will come.

honestly you don’t need this in your life. Don’t forget you are not a psychiatrist and you can’t cure this man of his issues.

steer clear of him.

Lol that’s the initials of my soon to be ex abusive H!

Thankyou all.
I'm feeling a bit flat today. Is that normal as I'm the one who had doubts and ended things after he got angry.

Yes I think it’s normal to feel a bit rubbish when a relationship ends. Luckily you aren’t heartbroken as that would really hurt!!

honestly I think you know I’m your heart he was a wrongun

well done for getting out

like I say he prepared for him to come calling

@Nursemammato3

Not only normal, to be expected to initially be heartbroken and sad even after an outright horrible relationship. You get used to the companionship, someone to put your arms round etc
Yours wasn’t outright horrible being in the love bombing stage, just was leading that way… just remember to get new better things you need to make room for them.

To make room for a better relationship this one needed to end, and you need a bit of time to reflect and realise what led you to ignore the red flags(nearly always comes down to lower self esteem and feeling lucky to even get what others would think of as absolute basics, if not crumbs), to not repeat the same mistakes again… sending hugs.

Maybe look up some psychology videos on YouTube, on falling for a abuser and on how to find and build a healthy relationship etc
Can anyone recommend anything?

Aww thankyou so much.

I do question my self esteem. I thought I was quite ok with it. Maybe I am not. It can get a bit lonely too can't it?

Yes, it's a loss of someone being there I guess. Even though we didn't do much. I tell myself this but it still feels a bit like a loss. I will be ok, just not feeling myself at work today.

@hereyougoagain eeek!