Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?

[Nursemammato3]

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

You'll not get a clear head if you keep listening to his spin, I'm afraid.

I understand though - of course there were hood bits, or you wouldn't have stayed with him. You're not daft. Ironically, he is treating you with less respect than we strangers on the Internet are - we know you're worth better than this. He thinks you're worth even less.

*good

Listen to your gut instinct on this one. You've been together 18 months and haven't felt ready to meet his mum? You don't sound like you are into him, sounds like you are settling because he makes you feel good about yourself.

If you broke up with him tomorrow, what would you actually miss about him?

I can't answer that.
I have been on my own for so long. I don't even know what 'normal' is. Nobody is perfect. I'm not.
What should I miss? We didn't do a great deal. For financial reasons. Also I had no clue what to do together. He came over and I cooked. We went for an occasional walk. Pub stop for a coke. Cinema. He cooked on my birthday. He never suggested anything. Even down to what we watched or ate. He would just say, up to you. Sometimes I felt uncomfortable as I felt the pressure of having to decide on everything. He did help out if I asked. Bins out or help me sort my garage. I always felt a nuisance asking. Even though he said if I needed anything he would help. I just never needed anything. I am independent. I drive. I work. I drop my dcs here and there. I organise day trips with my dcs . I shop and cook. What was I supposed to ask for help with.

My children are not involved in any way

Sorry but I disagree with this. This is taking a mental toll on you and ultimately on them. Can't you even see how they could be involved in the future if this relationship continues? I dread to think!

This is not a man to have within a hundred yards of your children.

Of any children.

How can their mother being involved with a total nut job not affect them.

This man sounds dangerous.

Your children need you safe and well.

Stop engaging with him.

I feel guilty as he has had a hard time with his ex over me.

He has either done a right number on your head about this - OR, you have poor self-esteem. Or both: with a stronger sense of self, you would not have tolerated this awful man for 10 minutes.

NONE of that makes any of this your fault!
Why would you feel guilty over what his ex does?
You have done nothing wrong by dating HER ex.
Also bear in mind you only have his word for it.
And it's exactly the kind of bullshit story told by abusers - they ALL tell the same bullshit, the pattern is so marked that it is referred to as The Script.

I am suffering because of you, therefore you owe me
All my exes are crazy, therefore it's their fault I abandoned my kids
I am insecure, therefore you cannot wear that sexy dress when we go out
Your friends are Bad & Wrong, therefore it's my right to punish you when you want to see them
You make me behave better than usually, therefore it is your fault if I behave badly
Now look what you made me do

OP - can you please make an appointment with your GP, tell them about this man/this thread - & ask them to steer you toward appropriate counselling?
Again - not because you are in any way "defective". But because you have some worrying notions about what you 'ought' to feel guilty about, what you should be blamed for, & I suspect your self esteem - probably not great in the first place - (your previous abusive relationship would have seen to that) has been so brutally undermined that you have become far too easy to manipulate.

Please do the Freedom Programme, google/youtube resources about dealing with narcissistic individuals, & put all the energy you have poured into appeasing this frighteningly disordered man into healing yourself.

Dr Ramani has a wealth of hugely helpful videos - start here -
(HOW TO LEAVE A NARC RELATIONSHIP!)
Pay a lot of attention to what she is saying around the 6-minute mark. I think you will recognise your soon-to-be-ex here.

Get yourself booked onto this course - you can do it online -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Buy yourself this absolute belter of a book -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

& learn, when dealing with dysfunctional personalities, how to Grey Rock, & how NOT to JADE -
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Also - spend some time (lots of time!) on the OUT OF THE FOG website where the JADE advice is. Because I am pretty convinced that your early family life contained some disordered individuals & you were not supported, validated, & encouraged to grow in confidence.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

In short dear OP - so many of us have been where you are. Nobody is blaming you (or, if they are, they are dicks & you can ignore them), & while some of the PP responses, including mine, might be hard to read - please believe this is not scolding, it is TOUGH LOVE. Only you can ditch this man. Do it today.
Then start investing in yourself, beginning with the GP appointment, & the resources above. It's time to grow into the self-aware, confident woman you can be, who would not give jerks like That Awful Man the time of day.

For goodness sake - YOU are hurting too!
And the only way to stop the pain is to get this man gone.

Message him "This is no longer working for me so I am going to wish you all the best, but need to move on from the relationship. I need to be single, so am not going to remain in touch - good luck in future."
AND THEN JUST BLOCK HIM on every channel.

It really is that simple OP.

I did not say easy.
When you think about sending exactly that text - how does it make you feel?
Scared, elated, guilty ... what?
What is stopping you from sending it?

Because I assure you the only way to get rid of your abuser is in one short sharp shock.
What help do you need with doing just that?

Being on your own - ie single - is entirely normal OP.

I am independent. I drive. I work. I drop my dcs here and there. I organise day trips with my dcs . I shop and cook.

Celebrate your independence.
Grab it back with both hands.
The independent life you describe sounds marvellous.
Get it back, enjoy it, work on yourself with the resources PP have highlighted here.
And develop some friendships by joining clubs, chatting at kids activities, volunteering ... anything.

You do not need to date anyone to make your life complete.
In fact you would be wise to stay single for at least a year, while you work on rebuilding your shattered confidence & get help (Freedom Programme, Dr Ramani etc) with your self-esteem.

Oh! another resource - pretty much The Bible of how abusive men target & control women in relationships - do yourself a massive favour & invest in it -

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
"Why does he do that? - Inside the minds of angry & controlling men"

You will learn so much from it.
You will see your soon-to-be Ex, you will see your previous ex - you will recognise their types & learn how to spot The Pattern & The Script, so you can avoid these chancers in future.

KettrickenSmiled thankyou so much for the resources. I have been looking at them. Thankyou for your time here too. Thankyou for all of your time. Where those who have linked my words in and given me an understanding, it has helped so much.
KettrickenSmiled when you asked how that makes me feel, sending the message. Yes, scared but I don't know why. I don't want to hurt him maybe. I question, is he as bad as what others can be. My mother put up with very controlling behaviours. She told me I watched too many Disney films. There is no Prince charming. She said people say things out of anger but don't mean it.
I'm ok until he gets back in touch. I just didn't want to end it appearing mean in anyway. I am actually more aware of how much I need maybe some counselling. I have been looking at all the advice here.

Yes, scared but I don't know why. I don't want to hurt him maybe. I question, is he as bad as what others can be. My mother put up with very controlling behaviours. She told me I watched too many Disney films. There is no Prince charming. She said people say things out of anger but don't mean it.

Your mum has accepted things she shouldn't have in order to continue a relationship. Because of that, because of her own skewed boundaries, she sees it as normal, inevitable and worth it for the sake of being in a relationship. She should want better for you than that. She's not doing it maliciously but she's set you up for accepting shit partners to justify her own unfortunate choices.

There are indeed no Prince Charmings, but there are decent men who treat women well and respectfully because it wouldn't occur to them to do otherwise, not because they're making some huge special effort to be nice.

The default setting of a person should be treating someone they claim to love kindly.

You sound so kind and caring @Nursemammato3 which is probably why you are so concerned about upsetting him. Please put yourself and your kids first.
All the sign are there screaming “abuser”, don’t worry how he feels and absolutely block him or he’ll be ringing and texting you off the hook.
prepare yourself for his guilt trips, tantrums and anger and don’t get sucked back in by him. You’re allowed to break off a relationship for whatever reason.

how that makes me feel, sending the message. Yes, scared but I don't know why. I don't want to hurt him maybe. I question, is he as bad as what others can be.
If I punched you in the face, would you keep seeing me, because it's not as bad as throwing you off a cliff?
Dear OP - he is already very bad. Far, far worse than you should be tolerating.
He's a sponger, a manchild, an emotional abuser & manipulator. & he lives to control others by concocting melodrama.

My mother put up with very controlling behaviours. She told me I watched too many Disney films. There is no Prince charming. She said people say things out of anger but don't mean it.
When people say dreadful things, they need to hold themselves accountable for it. "I didn't mean it" doesn't mean they weren't the person who deliberately said them.
But you have insight here into how your own people-pleasing tendencies were born, & why you overthink & cross-question yourself - instead of just accepting "this feels bad, this is too much drama, this man is leeching off me, I've had enough & I'm off."

I'm ok until he gets back in touch. I just didn't want to end it appearing mean in anyway. I am actually more aware of how much I need maybe some counselling. I have been looking at all the advice here.
Dr Ramani on youtube will help you start to understand all of this.
I't complicated, but as I have posted upthread, follows a pattern. Once you recognise the pattern, you will never "unsee" it, & it will make sense to you in ways you are too enmeshed to see clearly right now.

Counselling, also, will also help you build & maintain boundaries. The kind of boundaries that don't make you beat yourself up with "but am I being mean?" - instead of "he is mean, I will remove myself from him." & "I do not tolerate meanness."