Can you give me your thoughts on my relationship please?

[Nursemammato3]

I have been seeing a guy for about 18 months. He's younger than me (14 years), which I was a little bit apprehensive about but he's a nice guy and I tried to just enjoy the moment. I have been single a long time and dated, which never really led to anything.
If I give some background, I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts.
He has been in 2 relationships which ended in him not seeing his dd (he blames it on not listening to red flags at the beginning and dd's mum being controlling when he met someone else). He then had a ds in his next relationship, which he explains as not a great relationship. He still sees his ds and as far as I can see he is a good dad. He fears losing him too as the ex can be difficult.
He says that I have made him a better man. He has never known anyone like me. I'm a calming influence and he tells me quite alot how amazing I am. He says all the right things and would probably do anything for me. There is just something holding me back. I think the age is a big factor. I still feel conscious when we are out. I notice little things like memories of childhood, fashion and music. I try and put it behind me. He tells me I'm beautiful, nobody has ever complimented me like him. Or said how lucky they feel to be with me. I can't help but feel old (never ever felt that whilst dating). I'm so aware of the age difference.
He lives at home as he can not financially afford to move out. He left his previous relationship with debt. He is trying to clear it. I don't want anyone living with me. After my divorce I studied and became financially secure alone with my 3 dc after too being left with debt.
Its always my house. I know he can't help that but I can't see it changing. I drive everywhere as he doesn't drive, even though he will off fuel.
I'm very busy, he likes doing very little and that's fine, everyone is different. I feel so guilty for thinking how I think but little things highlight the age gap. His mum cooks for him and sometimes makes his sandwiches. She's his mum but some things highlight my independence compared to his. He plays games on his x box (I know this is a man thing maybe?). I'm so put of the relationship loop, what is 'normal '?
The reason I'm posting is he now wants me to meet his ds. His ex has not allowed it up until now (she has met someone and introduced their ds so is allowing me to meet him). However, I'm feeling uncomfortable and guilty for feeling it.
I have put off meeting his mum as I just have felt unsettled and always questioning our future.

[something2say]

Hiya. Oh no. I've just read the whole thread.

So it's over, but I feel there is more to come. More communication at least.

[KittyCatsby]

Honestly that was your get out clause , and you should grap it with both hands.
I would say to him.
" With regard to yesterday , I am the mother of ( dd name ) and she is my priority I will admit to having reservations about meeting your mother , but was fully prepared to . ( Dd name ) needed me at that moment , and that took priority , she always will , her safety comes first. Your reaction to that tells me we are at different points in our life with very different attitudes. So I'm calling it a day with our relationship . Take care and I wish you well "

He is not worth the hassle.

[UserError012345]

Nah I'd dodge this one.

[Nursemammato3]

Yes, he told me to (not so politely) find someone else without emotional attachment. I'm not sure what he means, like I wasn't emotionally attached.
The truth came out how he really felt. He was clearly angry. I told him that it was getting nasty and I thought we should drop the conversation as I had heard enough. He said far from enough he had a whole load of shit to say. I told him I didn't want to hear that.

[RadiatorCrush]

He's treated you appallingly! Your last update is shocking, of course your child comes first. I guess saying no to him 'pushes his buttons.' You're better off without him.

[something2say]

I was recently in a similar situation. Going with a man but having doubts. I did have places I could have got out, but I let them pass by as not quite ready etc. Looking back I should have done it.

I think.....for you.....

Take the day to chill and think.
Maybe silence him for the day.
Reflect on your doubts.
Reflect on this thread.

It is important to be, and we need to be, strong, solid women, especially if we have children. We need to listen to our gut feelings.

So, I think you've been handed a get out of jail free card. You could formulate a response based on the truth, that yes you were happy to avoid meeting his mother because certain things in the relationship were bothering you. And that the split is a good idea.

These days we are much more switched on and it is saving us. Many men lag behind. Being solvent and independent keeps us safe. Be very careful not to compromise that. In this case, he's not a good bet. You just have to solidify the get out xxx I think it's worked out quite nicely tbh

[Vallmo47]

Given your last update OP, it sounds like the relationship has come to an end and he’s given you a rather “easy” out. You were concerned enough to post here asking for opinions, so please do not beat yourself up about the turn that it’s now taken. If he messages again I would be up front and say that you had some doubts about the relationship and you’ve now decided it’s time to call it quits. Wish him well and block.

[YesitsJacqueline]

Sounds like you're dating my ex
Be wary when someone tells you their ex " won't let " them see their kids.

[something2say]

Great phrase....'check in with your no.'

[LastWordsOfALiar]

I guess the difference is; you know how to put your child first. He clearly doesn't.

He can't accept you collected your child over seeing his mum because he puts children way down on his list of priorities.

Shame on him.

You've seen his true colours now, move on.

[Nursemammato3]

Yes, I think this is a way out for me.
I am allowed to have doubts, this is true.
I suppose I feel guilty as I had those doubts when he always wanted to please me. Obviously he was feeling differently as it came out lastnight. I never thought I outwardly showed my doubts.

[Nursemammato3]

Check in with your no? In what way?

He has always been supportive of my dcs coming first though. He thought this was an excuse. I had made him feel less than because I didn't want to meet his mum.

[WorkshyHorsefly]

He wanted to please you so that you felt you owed him and would say yes to his wants.

You said no, and this was his response.

He's turned nasty very quickly, hasn't he? Is this the first time he's been mean to you? Throwing your vulnerabilities and past in your face? Not stopping when you ask?

He's not worthy of you.

[Ogham]

You don’t need “an out”, you can always step away from a relationship whenever you want.

dont get so tangled up in your texts to him, it can sound like you are wanting his ‘forgiveness’. Apologise once, explain the situation once but don’t re-explain in your next text to him. It can sound like you’re pleading with him. It also gives him a chance to twist things and guilt trip/gaslight you. Try to be factual, nothing else.

There are more and more red flags as your posts go on. Please trust and believe in yourself and do not take on his crap, it’s emotional blackmail. So steady yourself and stop thinking about him (only for me he could have got back with his ex, etc - that’s on him not you. ) Do what’s right for YOU and DC.

[Nursemammato3]

He has never thrown any past back at me. A couple of times he has got angry if I change the plan (became sometimes I have to). He has met my dcs and we were going to the cinema a couple of weeks ago. I was at work and he told me there were no seats together so I said oh never mind and carried on with my day. I sometimes don't get breaks as nursing can be full on so can't go on my phone or check cinema times etc. I had already told my dcs we were going. Got home and I hadn't told them we weren't going. I told them and my eldest dd looked online and said there were seats so I quickly messaged him, knowing he would be unsettled with a plan change so gently said, I hadn't had time to tell my dcs we weren't going and I have got home with them thinking we were. I was then going to gently ease the plan in, saying we can still go if he would like to. He straight away snapped and said I had told him never mind. I said I was saying never mind as there were no seats. He then said what am I supposed to take from that. I said obviously we can't go but I'm just saying we possibly could now. Then again, told me I was making out he had let my dcs down. I explained that not at all, I was just telling him, I'd not had chance to tell the dcs and there are seats. I asked if he was angry he said yes. I said, oh ok. I was in shock because I had no clue why. He then said actually I'm really angry. By now I thought oh ok, no clue to why and I said ok, go home and be angry I have had a full on day. He said I will because you have really fucked me off. I was so shocked. Anyway fast forward, he told me that I made him feel like he had let us down a d he never wants to let us down. I was a little quiet for a couple of days as this really made me feel uncomfortable. He then started saying I was ignoring him. I explained I felt upset about how he acted. He apologised and said why. When I saw him again. He told me to get over myself, I can't just ignore someone for 2 days. I didn't ignore him. He was asking questions and telling me he missed me but I honestly didn't, I was annoyed. I messaged him back but didn't initiate conversation. He then said, yet again if it wasn't for me we wouldn't talk.

[Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits]

The more you say the worse he sounds

He reacts very badly any time you say something he doesn't like

You say you hadn't seen his aggressive said but I think you are playing down some of these interactions

You are already walking on eggshells (gently easing him in etc)

This is in the 'honeymoon' period, the most stress free, easiest part of a relationship. There is no way this is getting better, its only going to get worse. Just step away now.

[Catlover1970]

@Babdoc

You are being groomed and lovebombed by an obvious abuser, with a string of red flags. Run, don’t walk.

I did laugh at the abuser but as it’s ridiculous

[Cherchezlaspice]

@Nursemammato3

He has never thrown any past back at me. A couple of times he has got angry if I change the plan (became sometimes I have to). He has met my dcs and we were going to the cinema a couple of weeks ago. I was at work and he told me there were no seats together so I said oh never mind and carried on with my day. I sometimes don't get breaks as nursing can be full on so can't go on my phone or check cinema times etc. I had already told my dcs we were going. Got home and I hadn't told them we weren't going. I told them and my eldest dd looked online and said there were seats so I quickly messaged him, knowing he would be unsettled with a plan change so gently said, I hadn't had time to tell my dcs we weren't going and I have got home with them thinking we were. I was then going to gently ease the plan in, saying we can still go if he would like to. He straight away snapped and said I had told him never mind. I said I was saying never mind as there were no seats. He then said what am I supposed to take from that. I said obviously we can't go but I'm just saying we possibly could now. Then again, told me I was making out he had let my dcs down. I explained that not at all, I was just telling him, I'd not had chance to tell the dcs and there are seats. I asked if he was angry he said yes. I said, oh ok. I was in shock because I had no clue why. He then said actually I'm really angry. By now I thought oh ok, no clue to why and I said ok, go home and be angry I have had a full on day. He said I will because you have really fucked me off. I was so shocked. Anyway fast forward, he told me that I made him feel like he had let us down a d he never wants to let us down. I was a little quiet for a couple of days as this really made me feel uncomfortable. He then started saying I was ignoring him. I explained I felt upset about how he acted. He apologised and said why. When I saw him again. He told me to get over myself, I can't just ignore someone for 2 days. I didn't ignore him. He was asking questions and telling me he missed me but I honestly didn't, I was annoyed. I messaged him back but didn't initiate conversation. He then said, yet again if it wasn't for me we wouldn't talk.

For goodness sake! Why would you want to be with someone who behaves like this?

So, he’s a broke loser who throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way, lives with his mum, can’t manage his money and has two kids by two different women (one of whom he doesn’t even see). What a prize.

Break up with him. This is nonsense.

[Catlover1970]

He’s already Got a mother. You need so much more than a mummy’s boy with no prospects massaging your ego. Don’t meet his son and end it x

[saltofcelery]

Read your OP and all of your updates. In the OP you said something along the lines of him telling you he could be really nasty but you don't bring out that side of him, then in a further post you described his reaction to the cinema plans changing.

Your intuition is telling you he is not a good person and you are telling us through examples of his behaviour that that is correct. If you haven't wanted to meet his Mum after 18 months, that should tell you something.

Do not get back in touch with him.

[VanillaParkersBowl]

I suppose I feel guilty as I had those doubts when he always wanted to please me.

He doesn't want to please you though, does he? He wants you to please him, by doing whatever he wants. Look at the reactions you get when you are unable to go along with his plan.

If you can see that he was manipulating you, you should be able to start letting go of the feelings of guilt.

You would be best not to listen to any more of what he has to say, it will just be more attempts at manipulation to make you feel bad and it's irrelevant. He is irrelevant. Concentrate on yourself and your family

[Quitelikeit]

Just let this one go. I don’t blame him for being upset that you have been making excuses not to meet his mother. He’s obviously not daft and you should have been honest.

however don’t ignore the warnings and red flags. Now is a good time to get out. Do expect him to turn on the charm though to win you back

[frazzledasarock]

He is abusive.

he’s keeping a lid on it (barely) successfully because you’re busy and don’t sound like you say no to what he wants much.

His behaviour over the cinema trip sounds like he escalated it, and you’re not allowed to be upset by his angry outbursts and stropping, you’re meant to take it and carry on as normal once he’s ready for you to move on from it.
a normal response from him would be him letting you know he didn’t or couldn’t do the cinema trip anymore as he’d made other plans. Not get aggressive and angry over it.

what we’re you meant to do about yesterday’s incident? Leave your DC stranded? So what if you’ve put off meeting his mother, I didn’t meet my MIL till I’d been with my DH (then DP) for over a year, because I simply didn’t want to, he did his own family thing I did mine for ages.

btw a tenner says this isn’t over, he’s expecting you to grovel and plead to take him back. Please don’t. He sounds like hard work and is abusive and a wanna be cocklodger and jealous of your children.

Bag up any of his belongings that are in your house so you can hand them over quickly if he turns up for them. And change your locks.

[category12]

Hi again, OP,

How does how he's behaving now match up with the "It's hard to even imagine as he is very soft with me. Kind and thoughtful."?

The truth is, he's nice when things are going his way. As soon as there are any obstacles, any hitches, he turns nasty and makes out it's all your fault.

He's pushing you to do things you're not ready for.

He's kicking off because you RIGHTLY went to get your dd when she wasn't feeling well and therefore had to put meeting his mum off. Your children DO come first. As a parent himself, he should know that and accept it graciously. But we know already he doesn't see one of his kids and that's likely not because he's such a great dad and his ex is a monster.

And if I read the cinema thing right - he pretended there weren't seats available for the outing, and when that's proven to be untrue, he's kicking off and distracting you from that lie.

He's a bad egg, OP. Put him in the bin.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Listen to all the PP telling you to run a mile OP.
Not only has this "man" walked away from his DD, but he blames both his exes & paints them as crazy & controlling - but THIS:

He has said he has had a temper in the past and there is a side to him that he never wants me to see. It's hard to even imagine as he is very soft with me. Kind and thoughtful. He has said I'm not the type of person to 'push those buttons '

Is a stealth threat.
He has literally told you that he has a nasty side, & that women who do not appease him will get the wrong end of it.

Of course he wants you to meet his son. He is lining you up to be the next woman who packs his lunch & puts a roof over his head - all while paying his bills & caring for the child he has managed to stay in contact with.