Why would he be wearing his 'sexy' underwear to work?

[Excuses5000]

I've NC for this as it's embarrassing.

So my partner works nights in a manual labour job and always has done. Tonight before he left he bent down to give our DD a kiss goodnight and I noticed he was wearing certain underwear.

He only ever wears that underwear when sex is on the cards. He bought it entirely for my benefit or so I thought. It doesn't do much for me to be honest as I'm not particularly into extravagant pants but there we go.

They're not 'everyday' boxers and definitely not the sort of thing you'd want on display to your colleagues which would definitely be the case as there's alot of bending and lifting in his job. Think moving boxes etc.

It took me by surprise so I asked him why he was wearing his "sexy" underwear to work. He said "I'm not" to which I replied that I'd just seen them.

He was tripping over himself to explain how its because they're comfortable and airy. He sweats alot at work and gets hot. He then went on to say that he had put a towel in his bag aswell to use to wipe his head and face when he gets too hot.

Based on my OP alone would you find it suspicious?

[Firsttimecatlady]

@Coffeepot72

OP, hoping you’re ok? Is there an update?

I really hope the OP left this thread a long time ago. The far fetched and completely foundationless fantasy scenarios (his “lover” might have bought “The Pants” ?!!?) that people are putting out there seem almost deliberately cruel.
This thread really is Mumsnet at its lowest.

[Cornflakegirll]

@Firsttimecatlady absolutely agree, and the poor at best jokes from posters mocking her situation are just gross!

OP is you are on here just reading I can’t recommend Surviving Infidelity enough. If you post on their reconciliation board you will get the considered, kind, empathic advice you need. This is not the place for people trying to hold their families together after cheating.

I really hope you’re ok!

[Eiapopeia]

@EverydayIsPJday

@speakout 🤣🤣🤣🤣 just spat my drink out, thanks for that

No you didn't.

OP, I don't think any of this means anything at all. The problem is his original affair, which must have been very difficult for you to cope with.

[OldFan]

I don't believe those sort of undies would be cooling. It's thin material, but manmade fibres.

[lemmein]

I really hope the OP left this thread a long time ago. The far fetched and completely foundationless fantasy scenarios (his “lover” might have bought “The Pants” ?!!?) that people are putting out there seem almost deliberately cruel.
This thread really is Mumsnet at its lowest.

Abso-fuckin-lutely! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This is the most bizarre thread I've read in a long time!

[Loics]

@lemmein

I really hope the OP left this thread a long time ago. The far fetched and completely foundationless fantasy scenarios (his “lover” might have bought “The Pants” ?!!?) that people are putting out there seem almost deliberately cruel.
This thread really is Mumsnet at its lowest.

Abso-fuckin-lutely! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This is the most bizarre thread I've read in a long time!

Yep. 😩

[Excuses5000]

He was an hour late home from work this morning.

He said he finished late as he had loads to do in the warehouse. Why him when there would be dozens of day time staff arriving to take over?

Thank you PP's for having a word about people taking the piss. That's exactly why I name changed before I posted. It might seem funny so some but it's my life.

[Qik]

Ask him why.

[Wheresthebeach]

I think you're going to need to make a decision. If everything he does is under a microscope to this extent then it's no way to live, for either of you.

[Cornflakegirll]

OK I can completely understand why this has made you feel even more anxious. You’d have thought that him knowing you were on your guard would mean that he’s being as open and transparent as possible about what he’s up to. Have you had an open honest conversation about the other day? Have you expressed any of your concerns and worries? What was his response?

and generally… How much reading or research on infidelity and it’s impact has he done? How much have you done on the impact of trauma on you, the hypervigilance and mind movies, the anxiety? Have either of you had counselling individually or as a couple?

[Excuses5000]

His behaviour wasn't under a microscope until the other day, now I'm on guard and analysing anything that seems out of the ordinary which I told myself I would do for a while so I can either confirm my previous suspicions or put it to bed.

It doesn't fill me with confidence that not a week later he's coming home from work late, it doesn't look good does it?

I did ask him and he went on a mini rant (not at me, about his managers) about how they moved him from one task to another half way through the night and left him with loads to do that took him well past his finishing time.

That part alone wouldn't have concerned me, but coupled with the last thing and then everything in the past it does make me wonder.

I don't think he's done any reading on the impact of infidelity at all. He doesn't like reading and isn't the sort of person to do that.

I've had solo counselling and really did feel that I'd put it in the past so I'm taken aback by how suspicious I'm being lately which isn't me at all.

[Cornflakegirll]

@Excuses5000 it feels like you’ve had to do all the work to feel safe and heal and he’s not engaged with any of it other than say it won’t happen again. This dynamic will not lead to you feeling safe. I get the doesn’t like reading but are videos on ‘affair recovery’ and podcasts out there though. If you haven’t already read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ just to gauge what remorse should look like.

I really can’t say whether he’s cheating again, and I’m loathe to make such huge declarations on MN but I can completely understand why you feel off and suspicious. FWIW I’ve been where you are recently and I was completely wrong in my suspicions, my husband does get my trauma brain and found small and subtle ways of helping me feel safe again. It’s very hard when you’ve been cheated on and the subsequent trauma, for your brain not to go into a triggered mode.

I really think you need to have a word with him about what the cheating has done to you and how unsafe you’re feeling right now. The burden is on him to show you that he’s not hurting you again. Open communication is the key to moving past this IF he is being straight up and not resorting back to the cheat he was.

[Coffeepot72]

I really think you need to have a word with him about what the cheating has done to you and how unsafe you’re feeling right now. The burden is on him to show you that he’s not hurting you again. Open communication is the key to moving past this IF he is being straight up and not resorting back to the cheat he was.

Definitely.

[Allmarbleslost]

Will he get paid overtime for the extra hour op? I'd make a note of it and then compare to his wages when he next gets paid.

[Charcy]

If you're that suspicious, that's your gut telling you what you already knew when you asked your original question.

However, life isn't that simple. You have children and a home together. What you need to be asking is if this is the type of environment you want your children raised in. With seemingly no effective communication and a lack of trust for perfectly valid reasons.

Personal experience here is if you can't switch off the mistrust (and that's ok if you can't) is this will very quickly become a toxic environment. Is this a life you'd be ok with?

Man needs to step up and show some effort to ease your very valid fears. If he doesn't, regardless of cheating again or not, you need to walk away.

[peridito]

I think Charcy is spot on .

[Changedmename7]

@Excuses5000

His behaviour wasn't under a microscope until the other day, now I'm on guard and analysing anything that seems out of the ordinary which I told myself I would do for a while so I can either confirm my previous suspicions or put it to bed.

It doesn't fill me with confidence that not a week later he's coming home from work late, it doesn't look good does it?

I did ask him and he went on a mini rant (not at me, about his managers) about how they moved him from one task to another half way through the night and left him with loads to do that took him well past his finishing time.

That part alone wouldn't have concerned me, but coupled with the last thing and then everything in the past it does make me wonder.

I don't think he's done any reading on the impact of infidelity at all. He doesn't like reading and isn't the sort of person to do that.

I've had solo counselling and really did feel that I'd put it in the past so I'm taken aback by how suspicious I'm being lately which isn't me at all.

So sorry you are going through this

You havent mentioned if you have checked his phone or not. I would seriously start there. Do it whilst he is asleep.
Actually, does he leave his phone around, unlocked etc? I think this is a big factor into if hes cheating or not. There will be something. Something that comes out if he is cheating usually found on their phone .

[OldFan]

@Changedmename7 He probably knows OP is suspicious now and will've deleted stuff.

But you could try in a month or something when he's got complacent again @Excuses5000 . You could try now anyway if you're confident of not getting caught.

[ihatebojo]

I'd be observing carefully

[JustKittenAround]

💐 for you. .. just hoping you are OK