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Original poster

Why would he be wearing his 'sexy' underwear to work?

396 replies

Excuses5000 · 04/08/2022 22:14

I've NC for this as it's embarrassing.

So my partner works nights in a manual labour job and always has done. Tonight before he left he bent down to give our DD a kiss goodnight and I noticed he was wearing certain underwear.

He only ever wears that underwear when sex is on the cards. He bought it entirely for my benefit or so I thought. It doesn't do much for me to be honest as I'm not particularly into extravagant pants but there we go.

They're not 'everyday' boxers and definitely not the sort of thing you'd want on display to your colleagues which would definitely be the case as there's alot of bending and lifting in his job. Think moving boxes etc.

It took me by surprise so I asked him why he was wearing his "sexy" underwear to work. He said "I'm not" to which I replied that I'd just seen them.

He was tripping over himself to explain how its because they're comfortable and airy. He sweats alot at work and gets hot. He then went on to say that he had put a towel in his bag aswell to use to wipe his head and face when he gets too hot.

Based on my OP alone would you find it suspicious?

OP posts:
WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 05/08/2022 10:12

Once a cheat always a cheat.
Anyone who says otherwise was the cheat themselves and hasn't had the opportunity to cheat again. Yet.

jabbathewhat · 05/08/2022 10:15

you are not in a healthy relationship and should separate anyway - regardless of cheating.

a) seems like he’s up to something.
b) you are unfortunately overly suspicious and trying to catch him out. It is controlling to have your underwear policed.
c) if your suspicions are right (which I hope they’re not) then you probs need to leave him
d) if your suspicions are wrong - then you are controlling and quite awful, in which case he probs needs to leave.

Cornflakegirll · 05/08/2022 10:29

Aww OP don’t you know that there’s nothing that MN loves more than slamming someone when they’re down and worried.

Read @Cheminaufaules post again it’s absolutely spot on. Cheating partners can become safe partners and what some people here are calling ‘controlling behaviours’ are a natural part of the reconciliation process as you build back trust. Anyone going through reconciliation or reconciled will understand!

I don’t know if your partner is cheating or not, I think his responses are plausible but I would have a VERY open and honest conversation with him about the pain he put you through and the ripples that will happen when something odd happens. The important of building back trust and how that works for you both.

fromdownwest · 05/08/2022 10:29

jabbathewhat · 05/08/2022 10:15

you are not in a healthy relationship and should separate anyway - regardless of cheating.

a) seems like he’s up to something.
b) you are unfortunately overly suspicious and trying to catch him out. It is controlling to have your underwear policed.
c) if your suspicions are right (which I hope they’re not) then you probs need to leave him
d) if your suspicions are wrong - then you are controlling and quite awful, in which case he probs needs to leave.

Totally agree - either way the relationship is not a place for either of you.

Wills · 05/08/2022 10:44

The problem with mn OP is that without writing a full novel its really difficult to understand a relationship fully and those that are accusing you of being controlling are seeing this from a totally unrealistic high horse perspective. When you enter a relationship be a marriage and/or having kids its going to be based on trust. When trust is broken, for whatever reason, regaining it will always be difficult. I feel for you as he has had an affair so he’s broken that bond once already. If I ever discovered by dh having an affair I’d have to walk away. I could never rebuild that trust as it would eat my every waking moment. That you have shows sooo much inner strength in you that you should be mentally telling all those that are accusing you of being controlling where to go! Part of me wants to say that you should keep an eye on things but the other part of me (my inner grown up voice that sounds remarkably like my mother some days) would say that part of the re-forming of the bond means that you will need him to be open, to account for his behaviour and that that is the cost of the reforming of your bond together. I’d then explain how his behaviour has caused you so much worry and that yes for a few months you’d like him to be extra open and not to complain about etc. If he is innocent then this will gradually die down. Those on high horses please go ahead and diss me, but are any of you been cheated on?

Wills · 05/08/2022 10:46

Please excuse my typos!

Mississipi71 · 05/08/2022 10:48

I have never been into sexy underwear to boost sexual activity. I presume the choice to purchase some is a joint one, as is the type you buy. That is why I don't understand why some can say it is controlling to question said underwear being worn outside of the bedroom.

ThisIsHookland · 05/08/2022 10:56

Excuses5000 · 05/08/2022 10:06

I'm gutted but not surprised about the comments labelling me as controlling. It's true that if it were a man quizzing a woman about her underwear and asking for evidence that she's at work people would be saying she's in an abusive relationship.

I trusted him (again) completely before all of this 😔

@Excuses5000 , I think those posters are conveniently ignoring the fact of his previous affair at work, his sudden change of routine and his out of character messaging behaviour. So don't feel 'gutted', OP - these "reverse the genders and ... blah blah" posters very frequently seem to distort the context for their own kicks.

And I agree with @BellePeppa when she writes, "I’m always amazed at the ‘turn up at their work’ suggestions, in all my working life I’ve never witnessed someone turning up at work to have a confrontation with their partner". Exactly - it's just more delusional 'advice' chucked around in the middle of the night.

I know you've put this in Relationships, but it's showing on 'Trending', so a lot of posters are just clicking on it and treating it like AIBU. I really think that @MNHQneeds to sort this problem out.

Rewis · 05/08/2022 11:17

It's one of those things that him trying to prove his innocence comes across guilty But then again it is a natural reaction to prove innocence. But also overly proving innocence could be a cover up. So essentially could be either.

that being said. If he is having an affair there is no way he is doing it tonight after getting busted. He will lay low.

Staynow · 05/08/2022 11:23

If he hadn't previously cheated then it might be different - but he made his bed (literally!!) and now he's got to lie in it and cope with the consequences. Anyone saying you're controlling has probably never knowingly been cheated on and had their mind messed with.

Love the poster who suggests you're controlling if he hasn't been cheating but that it's ok to be suspicious if he has been cheating.

Personally I'd understand if my OH didn't want me wearing my tiny, lacey, tie sided knickers on a night out without him. I wouldn't consider it controlling as I wouldn't wear 'sex knickers' in that situation anyway.

firstmummy2019 · 05/08/2022 11:24

Think how many men 1 escort can sleep with in one week.

Mennex · 05/08/2022 11:34

I find it odd that he kept going on about the towelwhen you'd neither noticed or mentioned it.

I would feel exactly as you do OP I dont think you are being controlling, I think you are behaving in an entirely appropriate way for someone whose husband has cheated on them before and I too would think he was doing it again. Once trust is broken there is always suspicion - the onus is on him to reassure you. did he say anything when he got back?

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2022 11:35

Awful lot of people with poor boundaries and feeling the need to gaslight you on here.

Your suspicions are perfectly reasonable.

Don't listen to people who tell you you are wrong to listen to your instincts. They are largely self hating mysoginists who would tolerate all manner of shit from a partner so they think you should too.

PepsiMaxandPringleStacks · 05/08/2022 11:37

Are they fishnets lol

layladomino · 05/08/2022 11:39

Of course it's up to him what underwear he wears to work, but it's understandable you asked a question when you noticed he was wearing the underwear he only wears for sex.

But more than that, it's his response which is higjly suspicious. If it was something and nothing, he'd have forgotten about it. The loving texts and offers to bring shopping back shout 'guilty concscience'. That coupled with his previous cheating are worrying.

I don't believe 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. That isn't always the case. But it certainly adds to your suspicions knowing that he's been willing to cheat, and managed to lie and keep it from you in the past.

Mennex · 05/08/2022 11:40

Not the point I know but the pants themselves are possibly the least sexy thing I have ever seen - and I've only seen them on a butt model. i can't imagine what they would look like on a normal, hairy bloke, with a sweaty crack from lugging stuff around!

Actually I can but I really don't want to.

I'd be burning them next time they came through the wash.

BeenthereGotTee · 05/08/2022 11:40

I would say follow your gut with this one but bide your time. Be observant. He will be more attentive to details for a while but will slip up again. As regards the photos I knew a man who had a stock of photos which he would send to his wife for verification purposes and yes he was a lifelong cheater.

Mississipi71 · 05/08/2022 11:41

Mennex · 05/08/2022 11:40

Not the point I know but the pants themselves are possibly the least sexy thing I have ever seen - and I've only seen them on a butt model. i can't imagine what they would look like on a normal, hairy bloke, with a sweaty crack from lugging stuff around!

Actually I can but I really don't want to.

I'd be burning them next time they came through the wash.

😂

longtompot · 05/08/2022 11:57

MaxOverTheMoon · 04/08/2022 23:34

Sometimes I like wearing my favourite pants for no other reason than they bring my a little joy. They don't boost my confidence but I feel nice putting them on.

OP everyone is telling you your dh is cheating. Imagine if he just felt like wearing his favourite pants and you've had all this drama and been fed a ton more by MN for no reason. Either you trust him or you don't. Don't let MN feed this further, posters forget it's a real marriage when they get excited on threads like this, it isn't a who dunnit, it's your relationship. Don't get caught up when there really could be an innocent explanation.

I agree with this. Of course you have suspicions due to him cheating in the past, but I wouldn't assume this was the case now. I think the fact he said he had worn the same type in the week and you said there were some that had been washed says to me he is probably telling the truth. He possibly looked guilty as he'd bought them for one purpose and is now wearing them daily, and he probably knows you are suspicious of him due to the history and maybe over compensating with how he is writing his texts to you.
I would keep an ear and eye open just in case and for your own sanity, but I wouldn't assume he is being unfaithful.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 05/08/2022 12:20

I would split up on the basis that you clearly can't trust him and will spend your whole life doubting him but that's just me.

Branleuse · 05/08/2022 12:30

i think its up to him whether he wants to wear fancy pants, and maybe it just makes him feel good? On the other hand, he has form for cheating and I think if youre not normally jealous, then i think sometimes you just know whensomething is up

xogossipgirlxo · 05/08/2022 12:32

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 05/08/2022 12:20

I would split up on the basis that you clearly can't trust him and will spend your whole life doubting him but that's just me.

Yep. I can't imagine carrying on like this. Living in constant fear and doubt. It will kill both of them.

Musti · 05/08/2022 12:38

Mennex · 05/08/2022 11:40

Not the point I know but the pants themselves are possibly the least sexy thing I have ever seen - and I've only seen them on a butt model. i can't imagine what they would look like on a normal, hairy bloke, with a sweaty crack from lugging stuff around!

Actually I can but I really don't want to.

I'd be burning them next time they came through the wash.

this

fromdownwest · 05/08/2022 13:09

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 05/08/2022 12:20

I would split up on the basis that you clearly can't trust him and will spend your whole life doubting him but that's just me.

Totally agree, questioning his loyalty and wheter he is cheating based on his choice of underwear is not good.

Move on, and find someone who you won't need to check his daily choice of underwear.

YesIKnowIABUbutIamreallytired · 05/08/2022 13:11

I would say he actually met Other Woman BEFORE work, had a quick shower at her place, which is what the towwl was for, and then started work late at 11.30, as pre arranged with his boss. Then sent you a selfie at 11.35.

If course it could all be innocent, but given his history and all the fumbling around for an explanation, I'd be suspicious.