Why would he be wearing his 'sexy' underwear to work?

[Excuses5000]

I've NC for this as it's embarrassing.

So my partner works nights in a manual labour job and always has done. Tonight before he left he bent down to give our DD a kiss goodnight and I noticed he was wearing certain underwear.

He only ever wears that underwear when sex is on the cards. He bought it entirely for my benefit or so I thought. It doesn't do much for me to be honest as I'm not particularly into extravagant pants but there we go.

They're not 'everyday' boxers and definitely not the sort of thing you'd want on display to your colleagues which would definitely be the case as there's alot of bending and lifting in his job. Think moving boxes etc.

It took me by surprise so I asked him why he was wearing his "sexy" underwear to work. He said "I'm not" to which I replied that I'd just seen them.

He was tripping over himself to explain how its because they're comfortable and airy. He sweats alot at work and gets hot. He then went on to say that he had put a towel in his bag aswell to use to wipe his head and face when he gets too hot.

Based on my OP alone would you find it suspicious?

No it’s not believable. What are you expecting him to say when you question him? Oh yes I’m wearing these underwear as I’m meeting another woman. Just because he has explanations for things means nothing. I would bet a thousands pounds on the fact he’s cheating or he has a fetish. That text what’s wrong when you didn’t reply just gives away everything.

You are right to feel the way you do. His last infidelity left an imprint on your relationship. Therefore of course there will be be behaviours that will triggor the old feelings you had. Don’t listen to the idiots telling you are controlling or any other negativity. You know your DP and your feelings no one else. I do think your DP is hiding something, especially as you have a gut feeling. No one else on here knows your DP only you.

Many of us have been cheated on in the past. But this reads like the plot of an ITV 3-parter with Suranne Jones. Madness.

OP. He may be cheating. He may not.

But one thing I know for sure. Taking a towel to work is no one sane’s sure fire proof of shagging around.
Unless he’s got a Dunelm kink. In which case, bets are off…

Sorry- meant to be in response to Badromancer…

If my partner asked me why I was wearing sexy underwear when kissing my child goodnight you can bet your last penny I would be so embarrassed that I would deny it too. I would be trying to shut that conversation down ASAP. If other sexy underwear had been washed and hung up that week, I would believe him. Hes embarrassed and worried. That doesn't automatically mean affair.

Wow! A hell of a lot of hate here for the poor OP. This really needs to stop! Whether or not you think her suspicions are justified, she’s stressed out enough!
This man has form for lying and cheating. His behaviour has changed and the OP is worried that it may be signaling another “indiscretion”. I can’t blame her for being anxious about this.
Whether his explanations are logical or not, he needs to deal with OP’s (very justified, IMO) lack of complete trust if he wants to stay with her. It is a well-known fact that men who have gotten away with cheating often repeat their behaviour.

I do hope that you check his phone @Excuses5000 and it hasn’t been wiped. I don’t think you deserve the hate you’re getting on here.

Why don't people RTFT. This was covered early on.

This relationship is dead in the water. Whether or not he is cheating, you don't trust him at all.

You should have split the first time he cheated.

Dump him, get some therapy and stay single for a while.

So straight up lying to your wife’s face and telling her she didn’t see what she most definitely saw is somehow the course of action?

He put in all that thought about being judged cuz everything. Before…. and decided to actually gaslight (yes this is an ACTUAL gaslighting technique… denying the reality before you) his own wife?

Then because he is so great with anticipating action (after all afraid of being judged or under suspicion by the wife he cheated on and 200 of us) he felt it a good idea to send her messages to pick up things and if she was worried? When he never does this?

it’s also telling that him offering to pick up crap for his OWN child is something he thinks would be sweet for his wife… That is the minimum. He should be doing all of that… he works at a grocery store!!!!

The bar is so low I cannot take it! He needs to understand that his past actions will forever be a cloud because now OP understands he is capable of it. He was unfaithful.

I hope OP lays low and acts like things are fine. He will slip up. If he doesn’t then all that is wasted is extra energy being vigilant… he will be non the wiser if she is up to it.

Only got to page 12 tonight.

If I was going to cheat, I'd toddle of with a tada in me old fanny bleached black one of 6 multipack.

Not be openly wearing and as said washed and dried in full view in the home.

Maybe he's a magnificent double bluffer.

Maybe OP will never trust the bloke again (likeliest scenario).

Maybe work on the issues or split. Or never let him work again, or leave your sight, read the Bottom Inspectors in Viz and live happily in a bubble, but avoid frozen food aisles.

Now years ago my husband saw me packing a very attractive night dress to take away for two day work conference. He looked a bit concerned till I told him that the hotel had been double booked and I might have to share a twin with another female and there was no way that I was wearing a faded cotton nightdress with a cat on the front in the presence of a professional rival. Mind you it was a tasteful silk bias cut rather than transparent nylon and I was packing in front of him. I didnt go on about it and I haven't thought about it in years and I'm sure my husband hasn't either.

I don't think I'd believe your husband. The fact that he deceived you successfully before would weigh on my mind a lot.

Nothing suspicious here at all. A lot of people are working themselves up into 'whatifs' with absolutely no sound evidence.

Probable explanation is he gets a kick out of wearing them to do a very 'male' manual job and is a little bit embarrassed about it.

Second, if he were having an affair, he would put them in his pocket/bag then nip to the loo to 'freshen up' just before the shag and slip them on, rather than work in them for a few hours to get them sweaty and dirty.

Third. He's obviously at work.

Fourth, the towel. Where exactly does one go to have an affair where there isn't a towel available that requires someone to bring their own?

Fifthly, what's with all the Sherlock Holmes stuff? This is your husband. Tell him, directly and frankly why (in the context of previous infidelity) this worries you and ask for reassurance in whatever form you need. If he gets shirty about that, then, yes, you have a problem. Not an affair problem, but a problem of him understanding what overcoming his previous betrayal of your trust involves.

There is no what if’s about the following:

he is fully capable of cheating all the way. (I say capable and understand that anyone is I mean he’s demonstrated full on capability to be unfaithful to his wife)

He questioned her very reality of what she saw. Im willing to bet if he used these undies after his surgery that she full on was appraised.

OP after the surgery when he put on said sex undies was it a secret to you? Did he have to explain? Did you catch him wearing them and ask? What was his reaction, did he text you after with hey beautiful?

Some actions can be explained away but there are core actions that aren’t right.

Frankly I’m feeling a lot of cheater energy coming through in some replies. Or even those who turn a blind eye energy.

While I feel like he was caught out, I also feel like your sensors were up.You know something isn’t right.

it’s tough but lay low, if you need the final truth to give you the power to make decisions for you and your children… you will see.

Stay vigilant, it doesn’t hurt anyone for you to lay low and keep aware. Maybe it really was this or that. But maybe it was.

He lost the gift of your blind trust long ago

@Excuses5000 the above comment but this as well…

I think you are accepting too little from this man even if he is cheating.ZERO judgement from me because I’ve been in situations myself.

He needs to step the hell up and offering to get nappies and milk for his own child is a legit minimum. He is doing you zero favors. This is something you expect. You might throw is a courtesy thank you, but if you don’t get it for washing the toilet then … well.

You deserve real gifts and thoughtfulness. Doesn’t have to be expensive. I know you know this deep down… I bet when he’s pulled away you would try to go above and beyond.

I am a stranger and I know it is super hard… YOU are the prize.

It is hard. Whatever you choose to do even if I’m like “nooooo” it is your life and frankly I will be here as you update to support you.

it’s all easy on my side I am aware.

No offense but his explanation was that he had worn them after his vasectomy… for the support and such. He tried to tie that in with work and the fact that they were mesh for airflow … which any woman can laugh at. Get thee to a cotton!!! Mesh does not help at all. Ask me how I know? Then I’ll ask why you don’t l.

So the undies that he would wear for such a purpose would also be ones he would wear for sexual excitement or … how did you put it… “a kick.”

oh, going to be deadass honest with you… she has been honest with her husband. She even had to argue the reality of what she saw for him to finally come up with his sputtering answer. I think she has been honest and upfront.

i also think you are putting blame on her when she has been upfront. You are expecting her to.. I dunno… get him to reveal his reasons for his truly non suspect actions?!!

What?!?

Most give it freely and would have empathy towards the position they had put their wife in. Yet you are banging on about what she should “directly “ tell him?

It is insane! SHE needs to cOmMuNiCAte that she deserves the truth?

Bar so low my clumsy ass cannot even trip over it.

try again.

PS you seem to have a fair bit of knowledge of what one would do. You even display procedural knowledge. Just pointing that out.

QUOTE: 'PS you seem to have a fair bit of knowledge of what one would do. You even display procedural knowledge. Just pointing that out.'

Yep, you got me. My partner cheated on me for at least eighteen months, six without my knowledge, six with my knowledge but pretending it wasn't true and six with it out in the open. Two kids under ten. It destroyed everything. We are now divorced. Having gone through every possible tactic over many months to keep my family together, I know something of what I'm talking about.

It needs an open and honest conversation right now. If that's 'banging on' then fine. It isn't a zero sum game and making it adversarial is not going to help, nor is feeding someone's worst fears from a position of partial knowledge.

It's a shame you missed my final sentence, which is absolutely key: ' [This is] . . . a problem of him understanding what overcoming his previous betrayal of your trust involves'. He screwed up so massively he has to do anything he possibly can to ally her fears. If he can't or won't, in a calm, loving and understanding manner, that is a massive problem.

Firstly, hope you're OK op. I've been cheated on in the past so understand how soul destroying it is.

Secondly, I'd echo what some other posters have said. None of us know if your DH is having an affair or is completely innocent. What I would do is crack on to him that you believe his explanation completely. If he is carrying on, he'll be extra careful not to raise your suspicions further. Let him think that everything's hunkydory again but watch carefully. Give it a few weeks then check his phone etc. If he's up to something, he'll probably trip up.

(This is why it's so hard to move past cheating, there's always that doubt that they're up to something. I do hope you get the answers you want.)

Good luck.

To me it really sounds innocent, particularly given the messages etc. My husband gets chafing with certain boxers when doing a lot of lifting/moving etc and would absolutely wear boxers that don't give him that rather than faff around with talcum powder etc.

Please don't get carried away with those saying he must have cheated, LTB. Sometimes on here there is a real pack mentality and folk forget there's a real person, a real family that could be torn apart by this kind of thing.

Oh, and the towel - I take one to wrap my water bottle in for work. Reduces condensation going over other stuff in my bag and if I'm hot, it's nice and cool to freshen me up. Not sure how a towel is evidence of having sex, but there you go!

I will go back and re read everything.

I think the not taking his usual nap and extra time off an hour before is the query for me. Added to underwear did he lie and tell u he didn't have time off and go see mistress in that usual time shower at work.
This is why he could send pics and BE at work.
Either way op I thi k your trust in him is gone or struggling.this either needs work from you inwardly,him or and both.
Because it will fester and eat away at you.
And a new situation will come up.
If he's innocent your behaviour will also push him away.
You are ABSOLUTELY right to have lost that trust btw.what he did,to be honest I don't no how or why you Stuck with him.ugh no mate bad bad form.disgusting cheater.
But you did.can you love with that,can you live like this.are you happy?or can you be.
You love him?and also not just love him but love him enough to trust him.and let this go.thats the only way this marriage will work.

Where exactly does one go to have an affair where there isn't a towel available that requires someone to bring their own

A car. If you’ve only got an hour or so then parking up seems like a possibility. The towel protects the upholstery. You can also buy insulated water bottles pretty easily to avoid the condensation issue.

None of that means he’s having an affair but does potentially address that issue.

I saw a 3 legged dog today. There for all dogs have 3 legs.

If he is suffering from swamp crotch that really needs to be addressed. Can lead to fungal infestations, follicle infections, chaffing etc plus the associated stench. You can buy specifically designed washes - nut butter, crop preserver, charcoal ball wash…

OP, hoping you’re ok? Is there an update?

Just a thought op.
who bought the underwear?
did you buy it or did he?

and when did he get it?

If he bought it, are you sure HE bought it? And it wasn’t a gift from someone?

Because if he is playing away and she has bought him the underwear, that would explain why he’s wearing it.

but he had to tell you it was to spice things up between you ( even rhough this underwear does nothing for you) to explain it’s existence.

if you bought it for him, then obviously ignore all the above.