Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

It may be a "miniscule" number that post to explain to you why you're wrong. That's because you've bullied out most who have objected. They have reported your awful threads repeatedly for the discrimination, stigmatisation, armchair diagnoses, stereotyping and unscientific made up nonsense and mumsnet has done nothing about it. So now most of them just avoid seeing it, if they can. Because it's so painful for them to read all of this stigmatisation and total ignorance about what autism is or how it affects people or attributing completely shit behaviour that appears in NT people just as much as autistic people, to autism.

Just because they don't post doesn't mean they don't see it. You are doing a lot of damage.

At this point it's very clear you're not actually reading the thread with anything but an agenda. Numerous posters here have been formally diagnosed with autism and have said they find it helpful. I know I have been grateful for their input.

Why does your view as a person with autism matter more than any other person with autism's view?

Because:

Many NT people display those behaviours mentioned

There is no evidence autistic people display them more than NT people

You are all experiecing common behaviours because the quality your partners share is that they are shit partners. It has nothing to do with their autism. In many cases the people posted about here aren't even diagnosed with autism!!

The thread is full of people using terms like "mild autism" so they clearly have not the slightest clue what they are speaking about.

Etc.

At this point it's very clear you're not actually reading the thread with anything but an agenda

My "agenda" is that you all stop spreading your unscientific hate so that the autistic people being stigmatised by it don't have to put up with it anymore.

I think we should continue to use this thread to support each other and simply ignore the faction who continue to claim things that we don’t believe to be true.
Otherwise the thread is derailed.

I have lived with a man who is certain his opinions are the correct ones. I’ve learnt to tune it out. Let’s just do it on here!

That should say have lived with a man for nearly 40 years. I still do!

I think we all disabled people who care about stigmatisation should continue to complain about these disgraceful threads until they are finally (long overdue) taken down.

If you are unhappy with your partner then leave. Coming to the internet instead to join in with this hatefest won't make you any happier.

Or maybe - just maybe - we are not the ones being bullies here. We are people doing our best to make sense of neurodivergent partnerships with people we love. We are talking about our own lives and experiences.

I don't tell you anything about YOUR experience of living on this earth. I would never be so arrogant. So why is it ok for you to tell us that we're all collectively misrepresenting our own lived experiences?

@SquirrelSoShiny have you had a good day? Let’s get back to the thread.

faction who continue to claim things that we don’t believe to be true.

This is the crux of it. It's not about your beliefs. You all come here and reinforce harmful stereotypes based on your own "beliefs". Even when they are scientifically debunked. It's shameful.

Oh yes. Can't wait to resume our disability bashing. What's next up?

Your arrogance is amazing given that the poster who used the term 'mild autism' has an autism diagnosis from a psychiatrist - the very expert diagnosis you demand. The poster uses the term to describe HER OWN LIVED EXPERIENCE AS A WOMAN WITH DIAGNOSED AUTISM.

Can you really not see how your behaviour comes across on this thread?

Agree entirely. And my day was tiring but largely good thanks @7eleven. Hope yours was too.

G'night, y'all 💙

Your arrogance is amazing given that the poster who used the term 'mild autism' has an autism diagnosis from a psychiatrist - the very expert diagnosis you demand. The poster uses the term to describe HER OWN LIVED EXPERIENCE AS A WOMAN WITH DIAGNOSED AUTISM.

It's not arrogance to state facts. Look at the diagnostic criteria yourself. There is no "mild" autism. Just autism, or not.

The problem is that this has been allowed to go on much too long. It should have been shut down in the first thread. Threads have been zapped for far, far less. The sooner it's over the better but nobody should have to put up with thisand so many autistic people have read all of this and despite all of the falsehoods felt they can say nothing because of the way posters have bullied everyone who has tried to speak up.

Enough is enough.

Her Psychiatrist is based in another country. Her Psychiatrist used the term mild autism, which she found consistent with HER LIVED EXPERIENCE OF AUTISM. Diagnostic criteria change over time and by place, as does language used.

My God. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

No that’s not shocking to me. Or anyone else on this thread.

The point is that this is not an opportunity for autism rights activism. Nor is it ok to consistently criticise posters who are outlining their experiences because their account of those experiences does not present a picture of life with and autistic partner that fits your agenda.

It is unlikely to be a coincidence that the poster I was responding to is called ‘stop hate against autistic people’. But characterising the accounts of very real experiences in this thread as ‘hate’ is unfair.

Many of us have ADHD. Awful things are said about people with ADHD all over MN and in the wider world. With far less challenge than if the same things were said about ADHD. BUT some of the things said are fair descriptions of the experiences partners or family members have of living with someone with ADHD. No, they don’t apply to all people with ADHD. But they wouldn’t because a poster is describing their husband’s challenging behaviour in particular.

That might be hard to read as someone with ADHD for various reasons but it doesn’t mean that poster is wrong or hateful in their account of their own experience. Nor does it mean they should have to stay silent lest they upset other people with ADHD. I should simply step away from threads that upset me (but aren’t some form of hate speech).

people on this thread are so careful in describing the situations they find themselves in. And still they break the eggshells and are subject to yet more policing and attempts to silence them. It’s not fair or reasonable to do so.

Nor is it ok to consistently criticise posters who are outlining their experiences because their account of those experiences does not present a picture of life with and autistic partner that fits your agenda... people on this thread are so careful in describing the situations they find themselves in. And still they break the eggshells and are subject to yet more policing and attempts to silence them. It’s not fair or reasonable to do so.

Yes agree 100% It just feels like gaslighting to be honest. You're all wrong and this isn't actually happening to you because I say so. It's a classic DARVO move. It feels abusive actually, which is ironic because my husband isn't abusive, certainly not deliberately!

To be honest I can't believe that we're getting a live action demo of some of the behaviours people are agonising over on this thread ... on this thread!

It's more tragicomical than comical 🙄

Sorry @SudocremOnEverything that was a quote fail!

The point is that this is not an opportunity for autism rights activism

Asking you all to stop stigmatising people with pseudo science (and in many case armchair diagnoses) is not "rights activism". It's just asking you to stop making appalling, discriminatory comments.

but it doesn’t mean that poster is wrong or hateful in their account of their own experience

It doea when they're doing it on a thread titled and full of content implying that the condition is causing those behaviours when there is no evidence for that.

I have ADHD too btw. Still no to your false equivalences.

Diagnostic criteria change over time and by place

The criteria are internationally recognised.

Nowhere do they no, or have they ever, included a diagnosis of "mild autism".

Yes some things do change over time. Out of stereotypes and debunked nonsense being thrown around needs to be called out for precisely this reason: so people stop spreading nonsense.