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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Much younger woman staying with us...

478 replies

Idontknowwhattothink · 02/08/2022 22:36

I cannot believe I am typing this.

Myself, my partner and our small child are living together. I am early forties, he is early fifties.

We have a woman in her early twenties staying with us from another country. She is very good looking and is scantily dressed most of the time. This is not me being jealous, this is a factual observation. There is no way he has not noticed she is very attractive looking.

My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But... He's not George Clooney and he's old.

This is the weird thing. If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted.

But surely surely not?

OP posts:
Yaayanotherchemicalpregnancy · 03/08/2022 19:28

Life lesson: never have anyone outside your immediate family to stay. It's always a pain in the fucking arse.

Diverseopinions · 03/08/2022 19:34

I think she fancies him, and it's possible that she might be trying to get him. I don't say it to make you anxious, but just to say, beware. You've given a lot of examples, and they are all about physical appearance, or getting physically close.

When there was newspaper reporting about the security guard who left his wife to run off with the Ukrainian woman, I read the comments beneath the articles, and posters were saying that in some parts of the world, women see it as important to get a man, and some are unscrupulous. This is a terrible generalisation, and not all are like that, but you seem to be minimising a lot of obvious signs. I also think it true that an older handsome man with a good job, and able to afford a lovely home, might seem like a good proposition, as another poster has said.

I think it's possible that this lady is making a play, while she has the opportunity, and hoping that your husband will keep in touch with her, after she has gone back. I also think that your OH.might have got used to the attention and might miss it and might be tempted to keep in touch, telling himself that he will keep it innocent.

If she does all this coaxing when you are there, what does she do when you don't have sight of them?

I think the best thing you can do is to speak sternly to her. Tell her you've noticed she is giving your husband the eye, and you've seen her trying to get him to sit by her/ give her a lift and you're warning her now to stop it. Say it's inappropriate behaviour. Say you don't want her wearing scanty clothes in your home and you're prepared to tell the person who's invited her over here for work to be careful of offering her opportunities like this again, because she is a disruptive presence, and some couples might be made unhappy by her behaviour. You can say that if she says she is blowing up nothing out of proportion, then fine, you stand corrected, but please can she be more careful and wear suitable clothing. I don't see her telling your husband, and if she does say something, you can tell him you feel you're entitled to tell her you're upset.

SarahSteedman82 · 03/08/2022 19:40

It sounds like she is over stepping and needs reminding who's house she is in.and that your DH doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong.

Unless you are going to tell us she is prancing around topless.or something!

drawacircleroundit · 03/08/2022 19:43

Yaayanotherchemicalpregnancy · 03/08/2022 19:28

Life lesson: never have anyone outside your immediate family to stay. It's always a pain in the fucking arse.

⬆100% this.

Hadtocomment · 03/08/2022 19:44

I find this thread a bit odd. To be honest, I find it a bit distasteful too. It seems to be going on and on about a young woman and her looks and age and then there a lot of advice about how she needs to go although it's not clear to me she has done anything wrong at all. Is this not a bit extreme? And inappropriate? You are the one sexualising and objectifying her, not your DP from what you describe. I don't even understand what she is supposed to have done that is inappropriate. Sits on the sofa next to him when there are two sofas and the pair of you have taken both. Where else is she to sit? He sits on the floor and she says it's ok sit here - well that's understandable as I'd feel bad in I felt i'd forced someone to sit on the floor. As to not sitting next to you? I wonder if you might be giving out unwelcoming vibes?

You've already demonstrated on the thread that you've got cross with your DP for offering lifts and got the wrong end of the stick. This already shows that you are reading into things or jumping to conclusions that aren't being borne out.

You sound casual in some posts but aren't coming across that way at all from this thread. What's her looks or figure got to do with anything? In fact it's a bit horrible you talking about another person like this like she is not a full person, just this threat, or sexualised object. If there is a spark between people there's a spark. if there isn't, there isn't. What has your opinion of her looks or her age for that matter got to do with it? I do think either your relationship is solid or it isn't. And only you can know this really and it's nothing to do with this poor young woman.

I really think it's not on to sort of speak about someone on the internet in such an objectifying way. What message that does put out? She is a person. Maybe try and get to know her. As a person.

AWobABobBob · 03/08/2022 19:46

Sierra1961 · 02/08/2022 23:21

I’m a young woman and honestly, the majority of my friends wouldn’t go near older men so I’d have to disagree with a previous poster. If she’s attractive she will most likely want an attractive young man maybe a little older than her. Trust me I feel it’s rare for a young woman to genuinely want to be with an older man - unless he has something he can offer her, like a wildly successful businessman with tons of money for example. So, I don’t think you need to worry about her as such, I think you need to be more concerned about your husband. Do you trust him?

Ridiculous! I'm young and I've always liked older men. Fancied a lot of my friend's dads when I was of school age - obviously never told them though!

Just because you have never liked older men doesn't mean others don't. And I also don't like older men because they have "something to offer like money". That's another very presumptuous statement!

Asurvivor · 03/08/2022 19:46

Totally agree that you are crazy to watch and wait and let this continue. Your guest is walking all over you and I honestly think your relationship is in danger. Your dh is trying to set some boundaries, but he is tempted (otherwise he would be oblivious to her actions) and his boundaries are being eroded - maybe you can’t see this but you really need to. Wake up and stop this now.
I don’t believe telling her about this will make any difference - find her alternative accomodation and stop putting up with this blatant disrespect of your relationship / hospitality.

Diverseopinions · 03/08/2022 19:47

Do not have her stay on.

The poster is right who says that you are approaching this from your own secure standpoint. You are thinking about the attitudes of you and your friends. She might have a whole agenda of how to manipulate this situation to get a lot more than you are realising.

It's about prevention, when you can still take control. You only need to say that you don't like her. She just is NOT staying on. We don't want to be giving replies, in a few months time, because you are unhappy, instead of the happy, secure and balanced person that you are now. And yes, get into more date nights etc with your husband.

Diverseopinions · 03/08/2022 19:48

And lay off your work, for two weeks, so you can focus and monitor what is going on.

WhackingPhoenix · 03/08/2022 19:48

Lots of gaslighting and goading going on here!

Your DP sounds lovely OP, and so do you. He probably feels just as uncomfortable as you do so is making extra (albeit maybe clumsy) efforts to make that clear! He possibly feels flattered yet bemused, which is a totally normal and understandable way for him to feel.

Count down the days till she’s gone and if asked for feedback from whoever placed her with you, I would give an honest account.

Idontknowwhattothink · 03/08/2022 19:50

Thanks @Festoonlights that is very interesting. I don't really think the wife could have done anything to stop that though. I also think that being openly pursued by someone is quite intoxicating particularly when it's out of the blue.

Again I don't plan on doing anything. I wasn't bothered initially, just befuddled. It's been interesting reading the replies.

I wouldn't expect my DH to stray and if I'm wrong, well that's out of my control.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 03/08/2022 19:53

What does she wear?

Londoncallingme · 03/08/2022 19:54

Idontknowwhattothink · 03/08/2022 16:23

If that is the type of muppet he is then she's welcome to him.

What lovely lives they'd have - him estranged from his child and woman he loves navigating an immature university student with daddy issues and her living with a disloyal old man depressed because he misses his child and woman he loves.

On the other hand I would be absolutely fine. I'd have no problem being a single mum, my business is off to a great start and I've a strong career I can always return to, I have a good gang of friends and if I ever fancied dating again I don't think I'd be short of age-appropriate offers.

I'm not sure what your 'lol' is about though. I think the punchline is missing from your post.

I love your response op - he won’t go anywhere, sassy lady 😉

Idontknowwhattothink · 03/08/2022 19:55

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate them.

If I'm imagining it all, then no harm done. I'm inventing a reason she can't stay on.

If I'm not imagining it from her end then it might have opened up a necessary conversation between me and DH. He wants us to spend more time as a couple which is nice.

If he's enjoying and acting on the attention then frankly I will happily show him the door. I would be so turned off by him being such a fool.

OP posts:
tara66 · 03/08/2022 19:57

Not read many PPs but gather this young woman is not from OP's country which presume is UK or IR. Maybe she does not know how to behave as a paying house guest and OP should inform her of what is generally good manners in these circumstances i.e. one does not throw oneself at married man of the house when scantily dressed etc.

Asurvivor · 03/08/2022 19:59

I hope that your trust doesn’t turn out to be complacency, you sound like a very reasonable and kind person. Unfortunately I don’t think your guest is a reasonable and kind person and you are expecting / treating her as if she was.
Take care - I honestly think your dh is finding it difficult to keep his boundaries in place. That he asked you to come home for dinner signifies to me that he needs you to be there to stop anything progressing. He is telling you something, listen to him before you have all kinds of difficulty to deal with.

Branleuse · 03/08/2022 20:00

Yaayanotherchemicalpregnancy · 03/08/2022 19:28

Life lesson: never have anyone outside your immediate family to stay. It's always a pain in the fucking arse.

amen

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/08/2022 20:00

crosbystillsandmash · 03/08/2022 16:31

Put some clothes on?

What do you suggest when it's a particularly hot summer? 🙄

Stop blaming women!!! We should be able to wear whatever we like.

Does society tell men to cover up to prevent us women from finding them irresistible? No!!

Don't be ingenuous.

It is possible to be covered up AND cool.

And no - you shouldn't be able "to wear what [you] like" in someone else's home. You respect their space and behave accordingly.

And yes - if a man was walking around in an inappropriate state of undress, I WOULD say something!

JamSandwich89 · 03/08/2022 20:05

Idontknowwhattothink · 03/08/2022 16:23

If that is the type of muppet he is then she's welcome to him.

What lovely lives they'd have - him estranged from his child and woman he loves navigating an immature university student with daddy issues and her living with a disloyal old man depressed because he misses his child and woman he loves.

On the other hand I would be absolutely fine. I'd have no problem being a single mum, my business is off to a great start and I've a strong career I can always return to, I have a good gang of friends and if I ever fancied dating again I don't think I'd be short of age-appropriate offers.

I'm not sure what your 'lol' is about though. I think the punchline is missing from your post.

Just going to leave this here... 🙄

Much younger woman staying with us...
SwedeCarrotLime · 03/08/2022 20:06

Transformatio · 03/08/2022 15:13

Definitely possible that she fancies him.

I had a really bad crush on Alan Titchmarsh when I was in my mid-twenties (he is 24 years older than me), I would blush if his name was even mentioned. I also had a relationship with a man 16 years older than me (who I think I fancied more than any other man before or since) - sadly short-lived as I found him a bit immature in some respects! I like men my own age now - late forties/early fifties...

Glad she's leaving soon OP.

Haha - this has reminded me of the girl in my A level Politics class who admitted having a massive crush on Michael Portillo, who would have been in his fifties at the time. We never let her live it down!

CallOnMe · 03/08/2022 20:07

And no - you shouldn't be able "to wear what [you] like" in someone else's home. You respect their space and behave accordingly.

What is inappropriate clothing though?

Ive seen numerous females wearing shorts and strap tops today from 5-60+ y/o.

I wouldn’t have said any of them looked inappropriate.

Iflyaway · 03/08/2022 20:08

jumps at any opportunity to get alone time with him despite him clearly avoiding. I've noticed her gazing at him a lot. I cannot fathom what is going on with her.

To me sitting here, it's as light as day what her game is. Awful woman. And utterly disrespectful of your home and family set-up.
How does your child feel about this? They pick up on vibrations, even if they cannot articulate it.

And weird a work contact asked you to host her. As PP says, she should be in a hotel, or Airbnb.
Has he even offered money to cover the costs of your family hosting her?

Idontknowwhattothink · 03/08/2022 20:12

Yes we are paid to host. That's what this company does - organises host families for people to learn English. We have done it before and it was very pleasant. This is a little weird though.

OP posts:
kateandme · 03/08/2022 20:13

You seem so Blah about if it turns out your dh does go with her.like do you love him at all?that thought should be devastating no?but your so cold and allof about the prospect of being better off if the fool cheats.

Staffy1 · 03/08/2022 20:13

For the rest of her stay, make a point of sitting right next to each other on the same couch, with him right over on one side so she can’t squeeze in on his other side (unless she perches on the arm).

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