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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being controlled and coerced

143 replies

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:32

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Motnight · 02/08/2022 21:34

He is abusing you Op.

Sapphirensteel · 02/08/2022 21:43

He’s a well practiced abuser. The charming , witty man presents to everyone at work and it lasts until he gets home. But when he doesn’t get his own way, when the world doesn’t revolve around him you see the real person. Gradually there will be more of the real person, he won’t bother even pretending to be nice.
Sorry, but it will get worse.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:44

I had suspected this if I'm honest. I just didn't understand abuse and the many forms it takes

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:46

I think it's been happening for years without me knowing if I'm honest. Everyone says he's lovely but they don't see him beyond closed doors

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 02/08/2022 21:46

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:44

I had suspected this if I'm honest. I just didn't understand abuse and the many forms it takes

It creeps up on you.

Are you ready to leave?

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:47

That's the bit that worries me. I've said I wanted to divorce then he's come over all goo goo ga ga and I've fell for it and I do everythime unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:51

He is so loving and caring when he's getting what he wants. He has said that I like to see him miserable

OP posts:
Canabelievethis · 02/08/2022 21:51

Covert Narcissist!
www.couplestherapyinc.com/the-covert-narcissist-marriage/

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:58

Canabelievethis · 02/08/2022 21:51

Very interesting read, thankyou. Defo sums him up

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 21:02

If i give in to pleasing him to stop him being moody even when I can't be bothered, would that be classed as abuse.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 04/08/2022 14:20

If i give in to pleasing him to stop him being moody even when I can't be bothered, would that be classed as abuse.

Yes!!!!

You give in because you know the consequences of not giving in. He has conditioned you to such an extent that you giving in, takes little or no effort from him anymore.

MangshorJhol · 04/08/2022 14:26

Let’s say one of your kids (at a younger age) stopped talking in class and was quiet because every time he did, he was mocked and made fun of. Would you call that bullying? Yes.

Also OP:


  • he smashed his laptop up

  • he has pushed you arohnd

  • he pesters you for sex

  • And what does ‘he’s had some fun since’ mean? Is it just porn or has he cheated on you.

I don’t care if he’s addictive to be honest, he sounds like a horrible person and I feel a bit sorry for the childhood your children have as they watched this unfold. You seem very blasé and conditioned to accept his appalling behaviour.

2bazookas · 04/08/2022 14:30

Yes, you are.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2022 14:37

Am I being controlled and coerced

I think that if you're asking this question, it's enough to end the relationship on. It doesn't get asked in healthy relationships.

KimWexlersPonyTail · 04/08/2022 14:39

How old are you OP? Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life? It will not improve, I think you know that, it will just get worse. Imagine coping witn this behaviour when you are 70.

You do not have very small children, now is the time to go. If I had posted this and you read it what advise would you have given me?

lOPAS · 04/08/2022 14:41

He is very abusive and very controlling OP.

You need to leave, you don't have to put up with this and you deserve better.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 04/08/2022 15:39

MangshorJhol · 04/08/2022 14:26

Let’s say one of your kids (at a younger age) stopped talking in class and was quiet because every time he did, he was mocked and made fun of. Would you call that bullying? Yes.

Also OP:


  • he smashed his laptop up

  • he has pushed you arohnd

  • he pesters you for sex

  • And what does ‘he’s had some fun since’ mean? Is it just porn or has he cheated on you.

I don’t care if he’s addictive to be honest, he sounds like a horrible person and I feel a bit sorry for the childhood your children have as they watched this unfold. You seem very blasé and conditioned to accept his appalling behaviour.

Yes he has cheated on me. I defo know about 2. About 5 to my knowledge I'm unsure if anything actually happened but suspicious about them. The porn seems to have stopped since I confronted him about it so is the pestering my punishment 🤔 I have stopped doing things to please him when I can't be bothered. But he gets what I've started to call week mid week moody lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 04/08/2022 15:44

Can I also add that I'm not sure if something happened with his niece. I cant prove anything but I'm very suspicious. She is very flirty and he his too around her

OP posts:
Evasmissingletter · 04/08/2022 15:57

Thank you for sharing that’s a good article

newbiename · 04/08/2022 15:59

You are being abused yes. I'm sorry. Please make plans to leave.

wellhelloitsme · 04/08/2022 16:09

Duchessisawesome · 04/08/2022 15:44

Can I also add that I'm not sure if something happened with his niece. I cant prove anything but I'm very suspicious. She is very flirty and he his too around her

Jesus Christ.

So on top of sexual coercion (literally a crime), coercive control (again a crime) and cheating on you, there is now also suspicions of incest.

Is this relationship really something you want to spend the rest of your life investing in?

You need you gently seek counselling to unpick why you are staying in this relationship. I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it genuinely.

Counselling could be life changing for you.

To stay with someone like him is quite simply wasting the rest of your one, precious life.

If you had kids in this kind of relationship, what would you tell them to do? Do that.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 04/08/2022 16:10

KimWexlersPonyTail · 04/08/2022 14:39

How old are you OP? Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life? It will not improve, I think you know that, it will just get worse. Imagine coping witn this behaviour when you are 70.

You do not have very small children, now is the time to go. If I had posted this and you read it what advise would you have given me?

I'm 48. We met when I was 14 and i know what I need to do. Its the doing it that scares me. Something keeps holding me back but I don't know what it is

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 04/08/2022 16:14

wellhelloitsme · 04/08/2022 16:09

Jesus Christ.

So on top of sexual coercion (literally a crime), coercive control (again a crime) and cheating on you, there is now also suspicions of incest.

Is this relationship really something you want to spend the rest of your life investing in?

You need you gently seek counselling to unpick why you are staying in this relationship. I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it genuinely.

Counselling could be life changing for you.

To stay with someone like him is quite simply wasting the rest of your one, precious life.

If you had kids in this kind of relationship, what would you tell them to do? Do that.

Show quote history

I have spoken to a therapist but not a counscelor. I have to be very discreet about it. I've tried getting in touch with them recently but no success which is why I've come on here

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 04/08/2022 16:14

Something keeps holding me back but I don't know what it is

It's the abuse.

He has broken your spirit and self worth to the point that you are making decisions (staying with him, for example) that are innately against your best interests.

And knowing you are acting against your best interests means you are in a state of confusion and unable to move forward as a result.

The only way to reclaim the rest of your life is to leave him and then get counselling to rebuild your sense of self and self worth.

The alternative is another 40+ years of being abused and feeling as sad and anxious as you do right now.

Flowers
wellhelloitsme · 04/08/2022 16:15

I have spoken to a therapist but not a counscelor. I have to be very discreet about it. I've tried getting in touch with them recently but no success which is why I've come on here

If you wanted to go to the GP, and made up a believable reason, would he attempt to attend with you?

If you can attend without him, you can tell them what's happening and you can access help - counselling, speaking to womens aid etc.

Could you try that?

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