Am I being controlled and coerced

[Duchessisawesome]

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

yes I'm a very sane person

I thought so.

So, why would you have more faith in the words of MN posters telling you that you're sane, than you do in you telling yourself that you're sane?

This is the very crux of the problem... and when it clicks with you where the glitch in your thinking pattern is, things will change for you.

Who is in charge of deciding whether you, a self professed sane person, are actually sane or not? Who is responsible for that decision?

Me 👍

Yup.

So really, the questions you have are less to do with understanding him and his motivations, and more to do with understanding you and your motivations.

We all know, yourself included, that sane people don't hang around people who make them feel crazy. So why would you do that? Where did you learn that if someone makes you feel crazy, that's a puzzle for you to figure out, rather than an alarm bell alerting you to leave? A good way to work this out is to try to focus on the feeling, then try to remember the earliest time you had it. Did your feelings get recognised and respected by your parents when you were growing up? Did you get a hug when you cried, or were you told some iteration of 'Shush' or 'Don't be silly'?

Probably the shush don't be silly. Think it depended on what I was crying about

You've just posted this on another thread.

OK, so that's where you learned it then. You were trained (probably by unwitting parents who loved you to pieces and really didn't want to see you upset) to think that being upset by something was not a sane response, but a silly one. And now you belittle your own feelings in the same way.

This is what we do: when we become adults, the child inside doesn't magically vanish. The 'little' you is still in there. She's your heart, essentially. Your emotions. When you were a child, your parents showed her what parenting is: lots of love (probably), and 'shush, you're being silly', when you felt horrible about something. As adults, we don't need external parents. That's what being an adult is: we are old enough to parent ourselves. But what we do, almost infallibly, is copy the example we were set by Mum and/or Dad.

That's what you're doing now. You get questions in your head about his behaviour and your emotional responses, and you KNOW the answer. You KNOW what he's doing isn't nice or right. You KNOW you're actually 100% sane. That's your heart. That's the kid in you, crying to be heard. Crying that this doesn't feel good. Crying because nobody ever listens to her or respects her. Crying because nobody ever has. And then your brain comes in, with its conditioning, courtesy of your parents, and says 'Oh, shush, there's really no need to get so upset, it's really not that bad', and then the poor crying heart of you gets silenced and disrespected yet again, and as the years tick by, this feels worse and worse and worse, until she ends up ON A FORUM trying to get heard.

That's why it's confusing. Your heart is really upset, but your brain keeps saying there's not really anything to cry about. Your heart is in charge, though, as you're probably starting to understand. You can silence her all you like, but it won't make you happy, because she is that part of you that does 'happy'. You have to listen to her. Respect her. Soothe her. Nobody ever has, not even Mummy when she was tiny. Don't you feel sorry for her? Wouldn't you give her a massive hug and just let her cry it all out if you could? Wouldn't you tell her it's ok to feel sad when somebody's mean or acts strangely? Wouldn't you nurture her?

"Crying because nobody ever listens to her or respects her. Crying because nobody ever has."

Bloody hell. That hit hard this morning and it's not even my post.

OMG. I filled up reading your post @Watchkeys

I know. Sorry. I should have posted it on my other thread only as it was to do with me helping out financially

The heart cries with relief when it's finally heard, having screamed it's little brain out for all those years. I cried for AGES when I realised that my feelings were finally being noticed (by me!)

I ate a lot of Minstrels as well. My heart/child self wanted lots of Minstrels! The key was to indulge her.

I am realising that myself now. Although I think I need lions midget gems 😄

I do want to be heard and not pushed into a corner. I am noticing my feelings more and more which I think is maybe why I'm questioning everything. To finally get myself heard

Thankyou

Hijacking briefly to thank a PP for the link to the Lundy Bancroft book.

@Watchkeys , you are providing amazing support to the OP.
@Duchessisawesome you ARE awesome, and with the help from Watchkeys and others you are going to be even more awesome!

I do want to be heard and not pushed into a corner

Can you see that you didn't hear and respect your own feelings even by needing to post here?

(I've heard that Midget Gems do an equally good job of reassuring stressed and upset inner children ;) )

Yes I can. I wasn't listening to the inner me.

I did love midget gems as a kid actually, but they have to be lions 😉

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst
That book has defo opened my eyes. And thankyou for your kind words. I'm taking everything in that's being said to me by everyone and @Watchkeys you are my pillar of strength

Yeah it’s hard to say if OP is really genuine at this point, it’s like come on now, how much in denial do you need to be, how much more do you need other people to spell this all out for you, in what world does OP not completely loathe him already..

@whenithits

You don't understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, I don't think. The victim often stays despite knowing things are very wrong. It's not unusual. It's the mind/heart split I detailed above... did you read the full thread or did you just come here to ridicule OP? Do you think that everybody just walks away if their partner treats them badly? Why do you think there's such a need for DV and DA support, if that was the case?

I know exactly the dynamics - looks like you didn’t read the thread. OP is starting to really stretch with her excuses, not sure how much more sympathy she needs.

i have been through what you're going through and it's hell. if you think you're going mad (like i did) then it means bad news.
also if you feel like recording a conversation secretly becuase you think you're going mad and want someone else to hear it ... it means you're in an abusive relationship. (my therapist told me that)

also, apparently (although i do believe it), someone said to me that the ex husband i had knew EXACTLY what he was doing. which makes it scarier. (i.e. your husband is blaming it on drink).

also as soon as you get away from that pig then hooray and congratulations and a new life in whatever form that takes :O)

@whenithits

Are you just here to try to make OP feel bad?

looks like you didn’t read the thread

Haha! I wrote about half of it. Have you anything useful to add, or just more critical comments to OP?

@whenithits
If you had read my whole thread you would have found out that alot has happened in my life over the past year or so

@Watchkeys
Thankyou for speaking up for me

There's always one, OP ;)

He sounds really unpleasant.

@whenithits
OP is starting to really stretch with her excuses, not sure how much more sympathy she needs.

Hello Compassion Personified,

Didn't you get the memo? No time limits or quotas for sympathy. No worries, you're off the mailing list for empathy.

I'm in a similar relationship except its only been 3 years, we have 1 year old twins and I have an 8 year old from a previous marriage. I am so scared to leave this relationship.