Am I being controlled and coerced

[Duchessisawesome]

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

Yes you are - however in a much more minor way you were also controlling him with the porn arguments. I know someo on here will say that is fine to want a man who doesn’t watch porn (and it is if unrealistic) however you didn’t just ask him once to stop - you fought and fought about it and tried to control him to stop doing it.

I think you should get out of this relationship but if you get in a new one you also can’t act that way. The fact he accepted it shows that he had issues of his own (as you know now). Like attracts like and often controlling beahviour can seem normal to someone who is (even if less so) also controlling and jealous themselves as they understand it.

I've just reading about withholding sex can be a form of controlling behaviour. And I am beginning to wonder if a small part of me is trying to control him

I wouldn't say I withhold as such though. I just can't be bothered anymore. I feel drained on an evening, We have 2 kids and they never go out. We also have 3 dogs who come upstairs when we chill. The only time I seem bothered is on a weekend when kids are still dreaming lol. But then again am I only doing it for him, although I don't regret it afterwards 🤔 I'm so confused about everything

@Duchessisawesome

I meant more going nuts about him watching porn and fighting with him to get it to stop. Though yes withholding sex as a tactic to get one’s way is also controlling.

I have spoken to domestic abuse at my local council in my area who put me onto the therapist. He is lovely but only offers suggestions and because he is a man he has limits as to what he can do. He put me onto a good read though called "living with the dominator" it's on amazon. I've highlighted lots of things within it. I get to a point where I think that's it, Enough is enough and he does/says something really nice/caring and I back down. I know I'm the daft idiot. I'm too soft but I'm learning every day and getting better I hope

OP please don't doubt yourself when it comes to not wanting to have sex with him.

Withholding sex as a control tool is far different from having no desire to have sex with someone who is controlling and abusive.

Who the hell would want to shag this sexually coercive bully and cheat who has also pushed you around?!

He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it.

We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty.

I've had that saying "why should I wank when I have a wife by my side"

Yes he has cheated on me. I defo know about 2. About 5 to my knowledge I'm unsure if anything actually happened but suspicious about them.

Can I also add that I'm not sure if something happened with his niece. I cant prove anything but I'm very suspicious. She is very flirty and he his too around her

And as you have a 13 year old OP, by staying with your abuser you aren't just making a decision harmful to you. You're making on incredibly harmful to your child.

I'm not sure why I reject to the porn to be honest. I'm not sure if its because he has cheated on me maybe. Its the secretiveness of it more than anything i think, Clearing his history etc. But then again I'd rather not know

I'm beginning to wonder know as to whether I'm the controller and not him

Thank you. That means alot. I am beginning to think that I am the abuser

@Duchessisawesome

It doesn’t have to be one of you controlling the other. You can both be controlling of each other in differing ways. In fact that often happens.

Actually that’s often a big part of why unhealthy relationships go on longer than they should, because the people in them are unable to recognise controlling or abusive beahvior because to them it’s normal on some level - and quite possibly they are doing it themselves as well.

It’s not important to identify one of you as 100% the abuser or one as controlling and the other controlled. The important thing is to realise that this relationship is bad for you and making you feel bad and to get out of it. Once your out of it you won’t have to deal with his flaws and will have space to examine if you are controlling or not or what you could work on.

I think your right. Before he went to comp he would love to go to school and is very bright then covid happened and he went to comp. Since then he's become very isolated and anxious. He doesn't go out any says he is socially anxious to the fact he's been allowed to go into school late and come out early. He gets a pass to leave lessons if he gets wound up. Is all this comp related, covid related or dad related. Could even be all 3 😳

Thankyou for your reassurance. I'm beginning to go out of my mind here I think

It’s definitely true that you don’t have to identify someone as “the abuser”, however from what you’ve described in this case your husband is the abuser. Most abusers don’t worry if they are abusers, so the fact that’s a concern for you tells me it’s highly unlikely to be you. Withholding sex could also be described as not consenting to sex, sexuality is very vulnerable to insecurity and not feeling safe, so unless you get pleasure or something material out of deliberately withholding sex when you do actually desire sex you’re unlikely to be “controlling” him.

I recommend you read this book if you haven’t this is a free version you can read on your phone. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

I will have a read when I can. Thankyou.

He came home last night after a few nights away even though he'd said he wasn't as he had a feeling he didn't have a place on my life anymore. When he walked in I said. I thought you wernt home till tomorrow. You should have said. And he replied sorry to disappoint you.

Had a good read of the book. OMG. What an eye-opener that was.

Further update

I found out this morning that it appears he's changed his bank account for his wages. He has sent me some money , I'm presuming this is to pay the bills etc.

What is he playing at ????

Can you really be bothered to play these games with someone who’s supposed to be your partner?

It’s the intent, if you don’t want to have sex you don’t want to have sex, but if you’re “withholding” sex (which you’d happily have) to manipulate behaviour that is abusive, don’t let anyone twist it round on you if you don’t consent to sex because your desire and drive is 0 that is not withholding.

Looks like he's preparing to screw you over I. A split.
Now is the time for you to do the same!

How old is he?

Not really no. I just can't understand why he's done it. He hasn't even told me he did it. I've had to find out myself when i went on banking app.

Hes 51 but I'm beginning to think more like 5 in head. He's so sulky all the time and barely speaks. There seems to be no communication from him whatsoever. Even more so when he's in a mood

Maybe so. I wish I could get inside his head at times. He says he needs constant reassurance that I love him etc. Not sure what more I can give after 27 years of marriage and 32 years of my life

It's been noticed by my kids more than anything as we don't tend to visit friends/family together that I am different when he's around. I don't think I'm me when he's at home and I can't stop it. I'm trying though

I wish I could get inside his head at times

Trying to understand is what's keeping you in the relationship. Understand this: you will never understand why he behaves the way he does, because he's abusive and you never could be. The reason you don't understand him isn't a failing in you, it's because he's incomprehensibly unpleasant to you. He does it because he wants to, and once you get your head round that, you'll start to feel differently about him. He likes making you feel shitty and confused. He wants you to feel like you're isolated and strange. This is stuff he enjoys. You'll never understand it, any more than you could understand someone who tortures puppies or agrees with genocide.

He's so different from you that you need to not be around him. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. You are responsible for your own feelings, and so staying away from things that make you feel bad is up to you.

He keeps telling me that it's me that likes seeing him miserable by being me and doing what I do and say.