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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being controlled and coerced

143 replies

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 21:32

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

OP posts:
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5
Bookworm20 · 30/09/2022 10:05

I'm not sure why I reject to the porn to be honest.

Op, You object to it because its grim. And its totally totally fine to object to your DH watching it. Its not controlling at all to not want your DH to watch women being objectified and degraded, please do not think you are.

I know lots of women, me included, where watching porn is a dealbreaker. I wouldn't be with someone who watched it. Not because i'm controlling, but because thats where my boundry is and anyone who thought that unreasonable is free to not be with me.

It sounds like he has completely worn you down and that is no way to live. please try and access counselling. Honestly, your life will be so much happier, freer, more relaxed without him. And once you can break away from him you'll find yourself again.
When was the last time you were truly happy? You can get that happy back, but you never will if you stay with this man.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 30/09/2022 14:13

When was the last time you were truly happy? You can get that happy back, but you never will if you stay with this man.

OMG. I'd not really thought untill I read that sentence. It must have been when we separated for a few months. We o lying got back together because like a fool. I fell for his charms again. He'd started being the man I fell in love with to start with. More fool me 😪

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/09/2022 14:31

He keeps telling me that it's me that likes seeing him miserable by being me and doing what I do and say

And I could tell you that you were from planet Zog and were actually an intergalactic, pink spotted lizard.

Do you like seeing him miserable? If not, then he's talking bollocks, making stuff up, and making a prat of himself. The question is, why does part of you believe him. It's not a rhetorical question: I'm actually asking you why you entertain the idea that he might be right when he says these things about you. That's the issue here: your view of yourself. That's the part that's your responsibility to understand. You are the person you need to work out, not him.

whenithits · 30/09/2022 16:48

Duchessisawesome · 30/09/2022 09:35

He keeps telling me that it's me that likes seeing him miserable by being me and doing what I do and say.

Show quote history

He’s projecting, and shifting the blame for his unhappiness onto you, turning on the old charm to win you back is a classic tactic - as other poster mentioned you can’t begin to under him because the way he functions is so far removed from the way you think and behave. You’re not a fool for going back OP it took me a long time to leave, I hope you will soon have the clarity to see his charm for what it is - manipulation, then it will pass right over you.

whenithits · 30/09/2022 16:49

*understand him

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 01/10/2022 07:48

whenithits · 30/09/2022 16:48

He’s projecting, and shifting the blame for his unhappiness onto you, turning on the old charm to win you back is a classic tactic - as other poster mentioned you can’t begin to under him because the way he functions is so far removed from the way you think and behave. You’re not a fool for going back OP it took me a long time to leave, I hope you will soon have the clarity to see his charm for what it is - manipulation, then it will pass right over you.

Show quote history

I actually think I'm beginning to and that is causing me to be somewhat distant towards him. Which in turn makes him miserable and the cycle begins again

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 01/10/2022 15:34

I'm scared to talk to him about it all which in turn is making me anxious. Not really sure how to talk to him to be honest.

OP posts:
Tsort · 01/10/2022 16:19

Duchessisawesome · 01/10/2022 15:34

I'm scared to talk to him about it all which in turn is making me anxious. Not really sure how to talk to him to be honest.

You don’t need him to agree with you. What would be the purpose of this conversation?

whenithits · 01/10/2022 18:13

A lot of what you describe about DH sounds like narcissist behaviour OP (as previously pointed out) I can’t believe you’ve held out so long but it becomes difficult when your lives become entangled and children are involved (which is the place they put you in to try to hold onto you), if it’s a good place for you now to leave then you should IMO, you’ve already tested those waters and know you feel happier. There is nothing quite the emotional drain of a narc, they have an empty void within them that can never be filled and continually drain you in an attempt to fill it, they are deeply unhappy people, they see your light and can’t let it go - but also, they can’t let you know that you sustain them as that’d give you power over them (in their view) so they try to dim you, wear away at you until you behave in ways they can criticise (such as killing your desire for sex and then criticise you for not being sexy/interested/often enough), the things they used to like about you become character flaws, anything you’ve opened up about or whenever you’ve been vulnerable becomes weaponised. There’s so much more like the emotional abuse - sulking/silent treatment, sexual coercion, vile name calling and explosive arguments (that often arise from something trivial), mood swings and then generally going about like a dark cloud (you don’t know what mood you’re going to get day-to-day), just lack of consistency - moving “goal posts” and changing the rules (breaking promises etc.) - your relationship feels like a game you can never win. Thank god for the internet because I never would have realised what my relationship was, at first I blamed myself but something just didn’t feel right (I can take accountability for my mistakes and try not to repeat hurtful behaviour, although I know I’m not perfect) but my relationship was just so confusing - because then they’re nice, generous, kind and somehow addictive - narcs are often well-liked people, can be charismatic, they’re also masters of manipulation and know exactly how to get you back on board - but it’s all part of the cycle of abuse. You must have nerves and an emotional foundation made of steel to have lasted so long without breaking.. these people don’t change, they are incapable of it.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 01/10/2022 21:18

Duchessisawesome · 01/10/2022 15:34

I'm scared to talk to him about it all which in turn is making me anxious. Not really sure how to talk to him to be honest.

If you can’t talk to him, don’t know how to talk to him, don’t want to have sex yet he coerces you into it, he’s had multiple affairs, one of which may have been incestuous, why the hell are you still with him? Your poor children have a dreadful role model for a father and they’ve also learnt that men can behave as badly as they want and the woman will bow down to them.
Doyou have a daughter? Would you be happy if she was with a man like your husband ?

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/10/2022 08:20

I don't have nerves of steel. Far from it if im honest. I'm too timid and I'm such a sensitive person. I don't like offending people, well intentionally anyway. I'm too apologetic for my own good at times. Could this be why I'm clashing with him all the time. He is a much stronger person than I am. In some ways it can be a good thing but in others it's a bad. If he's not happy about something at work he will tell them to shove the job without thinking of the consequences. I couldn't do that. I think too far in front.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/10/2022 08:24

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 01/10/2022 21:18

If you can’t talk to him, don’t know how to talk to him, don’t want to have sex yet he coerces you into it, he’s had multiple affairs, one of which may have been incestuous, why the hell are you still with him? Your poor children have a dreadful role model for a father and they’ve also learnt that men can behave as badly as they want and the woman will bow down to them.
Doyou have a daughter? Would you be happy if she was with a man like your husband ?

Show quote history

I honestly don't know why. And no I wouldnt be happy if either of my children had a partner like him. I do love him (i know that sounds pathetic) not sure what hold he has over me. I wish I could let go. Its making me miserable when he's around which in turn makes him more miserable. He says I don't show him enough affection but what does he expect after all these years.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/10/2022 09:34

I actually think I'm beginning to and that is causing me to be somewhat distant towards him. Which in turn makes him miserable and the cycle begins again

But this is how unhealthy relationships work. This isn't 'you doing something detrimental to your relationship', this is 'He treats you like shit, you feel bad, and so you feel distant from him, then he blames you for being distant'.

Everything stems from the fact that when you feel bad, you focus on what it's doing to him/the relationship, rather than what it's doing to you.

It's meant to be 'He treats you like shit, you feel bad, and so you leave him behind'

Why isn't it that? Why is it all about what you have to put up with, rather than what you walk away from?

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 07:45

Watchkeys · 02/10/2022 09:34

I actually think I'm beginning to and that is causing me to be somewhat distant towards him. Which in turn makes him miserable and the cycle begins again

But this is how unhealthy relationships work. This isn't 'you doing something detrimental to your relationship', this is 'He treats you like shit, you feel bad, and so you feel distant from him, then he blames you for being distant'.

Everything stems from the fact that when you feel bad, you focus on what it's doing to him/the relationship, rather than what it's doing to you.

It's meant to be 'He treats you like shit, you feel bad, and so you leave him behind'

Why isn't it that? Why is it all about what you have to put up with, rather than what you walk away from?

I'm finding it difficult to walk away. Although i'm not sure why the hell I just can't do it. My eyes have only been opened for the past year I'd say. When ever I say something to him about him. He says it's because it's my fault or its all in my head. If I did this etc and I end up believing him. I'm way too soft

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 10:47

I asked about the change in bank accounts and at first he said because he wanted to. Then it changed to that he doesn't feel like he belongs here. Why the constant need for reassurance and threats

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2022 11:16

Now he's further moved onto financially abusing you. I presume he expects and wants you to ask him for money when the little he has handed over has run out.

Its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour; his needs though are not more important than your own.

He really does like yanking your chain here and you met him when you were a teenager yourself. What was life for you like at home; my guess it was not at all good. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2022 11:20

And if you're being abused they are being abused indirectly as well and this role model of a relationship will affect them markedly.

You're now 48; how can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 11:29

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2022 11:16

Now he's further moved onto financially abusing you. I presume he expects and wants you to ask him for money when the little he has handed over has run out.

Its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour; his needs though are not more important than your own.

He really does like yanking your chain here and you met him when you were a teenager yourself. What was life for you like at home; my guess it was not at all good. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I'd like to think I had a good childhood really. Although I didn't learn much about relationships as I met my husband when I was still at school so has been the only one. I do see other relationships/marriages around me and they seem nothing like mine. Hence why I'm on here hoping for help

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 11:43

I've just done an online codependancy test and it's saying I'm moderately co dependant 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 11:48

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 11:43

I've just done an online codependancy test and it's saying I'm moderately co dependant 😳

Is this a bad thing

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:16

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 11:48

Is this a bad thing

Show quote history

What do you think it means, OP? Can you define to us what 'co-dependent' means to you?

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 12:22

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:16

What do you think it means, OP? Can you define to us what 'co-dependent' means to you?

Show quote history

Please correct me if I'm wrong but am I being too dependant on him

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:28

And do you think you're too dependent on him/the relationship? What are your feelings about it? How do you judge your level of engagement, in terms of how well it meets/conflicts with your own needs? How does your level of dependency on him/the relationship feel to you?

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 12:31

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:28

And do you think you're too dependent on him/the relationship? What are your feelings about it? How do you judge your level of engagement, in terms of how well it meets/conflicts with your own needs? How does your level of dependency on him/the relationship feel to you?

I don't want to be dependant on him no. I am trying to be more independent but he just has a go or says something sarcastic /witty

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:33

I am trying to be more independent but he just has a go or says something sarcastic /witty

The dependency is in the fact that you engage with these responses of his. Why do you feel that if he has a go at you or takes the piss, that means that you shouldn't do it? Do you think that his opinion on your actions is more important than your opinion on your actions? How important do you think your opinion is of his action? Does he take notice and change his ways if you don't like something he does?