Am I being controlled and coerced

[Duchessisawesome]

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

Does he take notice and change his ways if you don't like something he does?

occasionally* *yes he has done.

I have been doing things that he doesn't approve of or seems to dislike like telling instead of asking

What you describe in your op didn't read like control or corecion to me.

It sounds like you are both unhappy in the relationship and it is no longer functioning.

He isn't giving you the emotional support you want and your not fulfilling his sexual needs which it appears he is placing a very high importance on. I'll add I think the way he talks to you sounds so off putting and unattractive. His jealousy at not having your full attention isn't good. It sounds like you have a weird dynamic.

You may consider couples counselling but honestly why waste your life living like that. You both deserve better.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the toxic one in the marriage. I like to please people and be helpful if I can. I don't like to say no if I can help someone in some way. I do want some independence though

Op, after everything you have written how can you possibly think you are the toxic one?

I don't mean to sound harsh but it's really warped thinking. Your husband is an abusive cheat.

Thank you. I just don't know how to tell him this. Part of my problem is I don't like upsetting/hurting people

How do you feel about upsetting yourself, though? You're a person, aren't you? So, if you don't like upsetting 'people', what discounts you from this? What makes you so different, and worthy of being upset, compared to anybody else?

The toxic one in your marriage is your H. He has not given a fig about upsetting you and in turn your kids, who will undoubtedly have been affected by seeing all this dysfunction going on around them.

You've been an ideal foil for him given your people pleasing behaviour and overall lack of boundaries. You also met your now H when you were just a teenager yourself and had no real life experience behind you; he has totally capitalised on all this.

You stated that you like to think you had a good childhood but is that really the case?.

You're a people pleaser; that often comes about from trying to parent please. What were your parents like day to day towards you; were you for instance made to feel and or be responsible for their own problems and were trying to fix this?. Who taught you that you had to people please and to not be able to readily say no - this started with you in childhood.

You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.

Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.

Thank you to both AttilaTheMeerkat and Watchkeys

I need to think more about me and how I'm feeling which is pretty crap at the moment.

I know that if I try to talk to him about it, it will be all in my head and that I'm crazy mad and imagining things. It's happened before. I feel like I cant get my point/voice heard without it being twisted back onto me somehow or other

Why are you trying to explain? Do you think it'll change something? Because it really won't.

I know that if I try to talk to him about it, it will be all in my head and that I'm crazy mad and imagining things

He's educating you. Be grateful to him, but from very far away and without him knowing. He's demonstrating to you very clearly the sort of person you need to avoid at all costs. Memorise the 'I'll be called mad if I express my feelings' feeling. You'll feel it with others in the future (not necessarily romantic others, but platonic others too), but perhaps not this distinctly.

It's like life is providing you with a simple explanation.

It's not a case of wanting to explain as such but to let him know how I'm feeling and my thoughts. Is that such a bad thing or is that the people pleaser within me

What is your aim in letting him know? What do you think it will achieve?

I'm not sure what I will achieve but I know if he said to me he wasn't happy I would want to know why. And I know he will want to know why too

Something he does that im not sure of. When he tells me he loves me and I respond he will say "good girl"

Does this seem wierd or not or is it because he's had his reassurance. Thats part of my issue, I do love him, not sure that I'm in love with him though

OP, he sounds horrible. I don't know why you are agonising over everything. It doesn't matter. He's a cheating nasty sex pest and he doesn't care about how you feel.

I feel sorry for you and for your children.
Imagine what retirement with him would be like??? You would get to spend all day every day with him? Do you really want that?

Leaving someone is extremely difficult but imagine how you would feel if you didn't have to deal with him?

Who decides if something seems weird to you?

Do you think you're supposed to be subscribing to someone's view of what's weird and what's not, or do you think you're supposed to have your own version of what's weird?

In short, whose rules are you following? Who do you think the authority is?

It doesn't matter why he does things. If he does them because he's a beautiful human being, or if he does them because he's from Planet Zog and that's how things are done there, you're still in the same position: he does that thing in that way. 'Why' doesn't matter. Whether or not you like it matters. There's millions of people out there. Lots of them do things in ways you'd feel were weird, and lots of them would do things in ways that didn't seem right to you, but here's the thing: there are no rules. And what that means is that some people will agree with you that something is weird, and some people will say, 'That's normal'. And what that means is that you have to decide for yourself, what you feel is normal, and what is not normal. Normal for you. Your normal. Not mine, not his. Not MN's or anybody on it.

Does him calling you 'good girl' feel normal to you, or weird? I'm actually asking you this. It's not a rhetorical question. Does it feel right to you? Does it sit well with you, or does it seem odd? Does it feel good, or bad? Right or off? How does it make you feel?

This sounds like my ex. It just gets worse OP, leave now before it does. You will be much better off without him.

To me it seems odd yes. Why would you say to someone good girl because she has replied with I love you too. I've pleased him somewhat

OK, so if it seems odd to you, what's the purpose of asking MN if other people think it's weird or not? What is it that you want to find out by asking?

I'm not saying you've done the wrong thing, but go with me on this, see if you can get to the root of why you asked. It might be a huge turning point for you. This happened to me and my life turned on a sixpence, from miserable to happy.

I will give it a go.

I wanted other people's opinion to see if it was just me thinking it's odd or as to whether I wasn't alone in thinking it or to give me an insight as to why he says it

OK. Lets keep going... what difference does it make to you if other people think it's odd too? What is it that drives you to find out if others would agree with you? Would you prefer others to agree or to disagree, and can you define why?

To see if its me that's going out of my mind or him i suppose.

I have some messages from him this morning regarding me working I have hidden things from them but I think people will get the gist

Had these this morning. All to do with me using the car

To see if its me that's going out of my mind or him i suppose

Right, there it is.

You're essentially putting your own opinion of whether you're sane or not into the hands of strangers on the internet.

One more question, for now, and it's a yes or no one: Are you sane? Generally, in your ongoing, daily life, are you a sane human being?