Am I being controlled and coerced

[Duchessisawesome]

Not sure where to start really. Never posted on a forum before so sorry if I ramble.

I've been with my hubby 35 years, married 26 of them with 2 kids. 22 and 13. He appears so insecure. People I've spoke to already have said this but I don't know why, I had my fun before we met and he's had some fun since. He used to watch porn and look at images which made me feel very insecure to the extent I wouldn't leave him alone. We had a massive argument about it and he smashed his phone and laptop up. Things seamt to get better after confronting him for a while but then other things started happening. He would get so grumpy/sulky if I dont tend to "his needs" as he calls it. My sex drive has gone to 0 and he thinks I don't want him in that way. I am not at all interested in sex whatsoever at this moment in my life. I lost my dad last August and I was so focused on getting things right. I was sort of the family secretary lol. We lost mum 9 years ago so it's been a case of probate etc so this hasn't helped as my head was all over the place. He didn't seem to like me engaging with my 3 brothers about things. He'd get a strop on or stomp about if I was on the phone to them "I wasn't including him" apparantlty. Anyways. Things seamt to settle again then we recently lost his mum and he had the whole thing on his shoulders this time. The funeral went well untill we got home then he kicked off. He pushed me into the kitchen which is when I walked out to let him cool down. He was asleep when I got back. He has apologised and blamed it on too much to drink. I've stated what will it be next time though. Everything we argue about seems to be my lack of effection towards him whether it be sexual or just in general. It comes across as being mainly sexual in my eyes. I've had that saying. "Why should I w* when I have a wife by my side" I love him to bits but he's like a drug. He's addictive lol. When he's at work and I think about the things he does or says, at times it makes me feel sick with rage but when he walks in something changes in me. I can't argue with him as he is so witty and quick off the mark.

Sorry for rambling on lol. I have loads more to moan about but maybe another time

What are you scared of, exactly?

#1 his reaction, he has been physically abusive before (maybe 5 times) but not since our twins were born. He will 100 percent be verbally abusive as that is his M.O. when he feels threatened
#2 I'll be a single mom with 3 kids. Logically I know that it's worth the struggle just for my children not to have to here his emotional abuse of me, illogical thoughts are...he has changed many negative behaviors since we have been together, he supports me and all of my kids (one isn't his) and supports us well. 6 days a week (most weeks some weeks its less) it's like being in a normal healthy relationship then he will just wake up or come home and be so hateful and hurtful, really abusive stuff.
#3 I know everyone will tell me this isn't the case that he has conditioned me to think this way, but am I not contributing enough? Are some of his complaints justified even if the way he says them isnt?

I've really worked hard on my self confidence to even post on here and I know I have a long ways to go. I need some support but feel like I should be strong enough for my kids to jut be able to do it.

I'm sorry I replied on the thread not your post this is my first time posting

You poor poor thing. I think you should start your own thread, as people might miss these comments. You’ll get lots of support, I promise. 💗

@Twinningplus1 Please read this. I think you’ll find it helpful: ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I will ty so much

Exactly, every single thing this man has done to her has been carefully explained as being incredibly abusive, she’s here posting it which indicates she knows herself that this guy is messed up and yet she wiggles in the odd, “but what if I AM just crazy? But he’s so NICE sometimes” well we’ve just spent the past like 4 pages telling you you’re not and he’s a shitbag so, you know.

@BeggarsMeddle when she stops wallowing in sympathy she’ll be able to pull herself out of it

@whenithits

So you think that abused women just need to be told 'Oh, he's abusing you, love!', and they should just say 'Oh, I see! Right, I get it now, thanks so much for your support, you've changed my life!', and then she leaves him?

Jog on.

when she stops wallowing in sympathy she’ll be able to pull herself out of it

And when you stop wallowing in thinking you know better than every abuse victim, you'll look like you have some empathy.

I think you need to start reading some books by Lundy Bancroft.

Just wanted to say thank you again I have started the book.

Oh, good. I’m very pleased. I hope you find it helpful.

I would still strongly recommend starting a thread on here. There are some amazing knowledgeable and kind posters who would love to give you advice or support. Give them the opportunity.

Mine was similar OP. Everything was always about him. He was a sulker too. I think I just got used to it and was medicated for pretty much the whole of my marriage. I got out after nearly 25 years when my now ex (hurray) went off with someone at work.

When I found them together, my initial reaction was relief. It'll be five years in December and whilst divorce was difficult (covid and him), I've never been happier.

No I’m saying she’s here because she knows it and she’s had it confirmed (as she had hoped by posting), she’s not doing herself any favours by backtracking over things she’s already questioned and had answered. I do have empathy for OP as I have previously expressed, she’s over the hard part of recognising the behaviour for what’s it is, once she pulls herself up and stops blaming any part of it on herself, she will remove the allure he has over her, like something is lifted from over her eyes - because she will have no excuses left for him.

She is older than me so she can afford that she has not had the internet in quite the same way earlier into her relationship to share and question these behaviours, to be completely isolated and confused, she’s had more time to have her mind twisted and more time to be bullied and question herself, but she is here now - she knows what she has to do. Yes you do have to pull yourself up to get away from these types of people, or they will keep clawing you back in.

I know what I have to do. I'm working on it although at my pace. I agree with @Twinningplus1 about the support they give us and the bit about most of week being ok then waking up to be verbally abused again🙄

I sometimes need it clarifying that it's not me going mad because things can seem ok for us then BANG, here we go again and it makes it feel like feel its my fault but with the support I'm getting on here I'm realising that it's not me at all. Today for example. He's been a grizzly bear and I wanted to go to a shop. He wanted to take me but I said no I didn't want to go as he was in a mood so he got in the car and I got in the van. He then drained the bank account of money so I couldn't spend anything. I showed him though by using a different account. I am not telling him how I managed to pay for the item either. I have explained that a DD for the rent is coming out tomorrow and he just said that it will bounce then which I know is just another threat. Thankyou to everyone who is being supportive and @Twinningplus1 have the courage to start your own thread like I I have and I'm sure you will get the best support like I've been given, I don't mind that you posted on here at all by the way 😉

Please bear with me @whenithits this person is all I've known since being 14. Thankyou in advance.

That book has opened my eyes up to a whole load of things recently. I can't thank the poster enough for recommending it to me and I haven't even finished it yet

So happy your doing what you need to do! Thanks for throwing some support my way also!