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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband always shouting and swearing at me

90 replies

Mama133 · 02/08/2022 00:14

I've been married for 15 years and have 2 children, 9 and 14. My husband has a bad temper and goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. He is the same with the kids. He is not violent at all. I don't like the way he talks to me and its starting to make me miserable. He will shout and swear at me in the street and when I tell him it's embarrassing and at least wait until we get in the house but he doesn't care. The things he gets wound up about are minor things like someone leaving the fridge door ajar by accident or just anything really. Today I got in from work and accidently knocked his charging cable out and he just went off on one. He shouts and f's and goes ballistic over nothing in my eyes... he says we wind him up. He also calls us names most commonly donkey or idiot in general conversation. I'm a very forgiving person and mostly the next day it will just be forgotten and he will be back to normal - until the next time. He's getting worse. I wonder why we are even married, he spends his weekends at golf and then we do do things together as a family in the afternoon but I have to be the one to arrange it. He wouldn't dream of asking me to go somewhere to spend time together and we hardly talk. I've thought about leaving many times but then things are ok again and I forget about it. Is this just life or do you think we have problems. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 02/08/2022 15:11

And I know I'll get flack for being harsh with you but it doesn't seem to be sinking in just how much damage is being done to your children by this abuse.

5thHelena · 02/08/2022 15:13

I was the kid in this situation years ago. I'm 55 and still in therapy over it. Do not underestimate how much your children are being damaged here.

Lovelycheesegromit · 02/08/2022 15:18

I hope this isn’t a cultural thing where it’s ok for men to have temper hence your family being okay with it and you being embarrassed about it rather than outraged. In my culture this shit is very much acceptable but doesn’t mean you should put up with it. This is domestic abuse and if your kids are being affected then it’s a safeguarding issue. Start standing up to him. What would happen then? Why don’t you and your kids slam some doors see if he likes it unless you’re walking on egg shells and are afraid of him. I would suggest anger management but I have a feeling he thinks this behaviour is perfectly fine, he perhaps saw his dad behave like this and your kids too will think this is acceptable and so the cycle will continue. This isn’t a situation that can get fixed by you, the onus is on him to change unless you leave him but you don’t seem to be prepared to do that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 15:36

Read When Anger Hurts Your Kids.

They may seem fine, they are not fine.

Sidisawetlettuce · 02/08/2022 17:07

I have a good friend who was married to a verbally abusive man. Her three children began to treat her the same way, because they thought it was normal. You need to do something to get them away from this abuse, and quick.

allboysherebutme · 02/08/2022 22:41

Leave him, you and your children will have a better life 100%. If you can't make him leave for yourself, do it for your kids, this environment is not good for them. X

feelingfree17 · 02/08/2022 23:34

Your poor little children.
What a despicable man.

MenopausalMandy · 02/08/2022 23:40

He's absolutely abusive.

But what would he do if when he starts on his next rant that you stand up tall, point at him and shout "How dare you speak to me like that?"

Mississipi71 · 05/08/2022 02:08

My late husband was like this at times. If I forgot something, he would mock me. If I got something wrong, he would go OTT, following me around the house putting me down. He put himself on a pedestal and I was his inferior. The times I used to curl up in a ball crying in the locked bathroom, while he shouted at me through the door. The neighbours could hear and he also didn't care. Always Something so petty as well. It was always when he had had a drink but could also be before he opened a bottle. I was walking on egg shells. In the few years before he passed, I was standing up to him.

DulceMama1977 · 05/08/2022 04:24

Your kids are the biggest victims here... watching their Mom be abused by their Father and Mom just takes it...

What example are you setting for them? You're teaching your kids what to settle for and how to treat their future partners...

DulceMama1977 · 05/08/2022 04:31

Bullshit... complete bullshit. Gone are the days where Women stay in marriages for the children or for money...

What year are we in, 1950?

I'd rather be broke then to have my Son watch me get treated like shit by his Father. You've grown complacent with his abuse and have zero backbone. Those poor kids of yours will grow up and remember all of it and you'll regret not being stronger.... There is NEVER A GOOD REASON TO STAY WITH AN ABUSIVE SPOUSE.... ever.... and your 2 kids are the biggest victims here...

BCBird · 23/12/2022 17:21

Any parts of your life that are nice,surely are being cancelled out by his poor behaviour? As for your parents saying marriage is for life,what part of the vows encourage someone to abuse the other? Take it from.me,peace of mind is priceless. U would be better off in a modest happy home than a fancier place treading on eggshells . As an aside dud he see this sort of behaviour when he was growing up? Take care

Meandmyheaf · 12/03/2023 01:00

Hi
Ok,this is a bit of a rant. I’ve been with my chap for nearly 20 years. Loads has been great however so much has been scared by memories of physical abuse years ago when he used to hit me. I haven’t ever really expressed to him fully my feelings on it but now something in my has literally tipped where I feel like , ‘hell no!” , so am internally angry, upset and am so not bothered about us anymore. My memory is too good! He still shouts constantly and I’ve had enough , said that for years. Just don’t know how to put words in my mouth and talk to him, apparently he’s drinking as he’s unhappy and it’s pretty much my fault, as he’s tried and I’ve done nothing…partially true but I’ve also been miss meek two steps behind for years and now I’m so not!! Had to rant, my mates, family are sick of hearing sane old stuff, I’m disgusted in how he shouts at me in front of our child, literally. It’s wrong, he knows it too but doesn’t stop. I’ve spoken to women’s aid type places when it was physical and I know the drill, why can’t I just leave, I do feel bad, I’ve lied, had secrets , don’t talk , mainly to him about him so I get why he’s upset, but how to say it’s really down to your behaviour !! Am I literally passing blame here… I don’t like how I am, it’s not right, I know that.
had to just express. Thanks

Jas5mum · 12/03/2023 01:30

Even if you tell him he wont listen anyway. I'd just start putting money away and finding somewhere else to live then 1 day just go. No more burying your head in the sand...

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2023 03:48

Mama133 · 02/08/2022 00:40

No just us, my own family have witnessed it too, we had a family party the other night and he got wound up and started swearing at my son who is 9. It just makes me cringe, he doesn't care who hears.

It makes you cringe? Is that all? If my young son’s dad was shouting and swearing at him it would make me very upset and angry. You sound like you’re more worried about what other people think than anything. Your poor children 😞

TicketBoo23 · 12/03/2023 04:16

Meandmyheaf · 12/03/2023 01:00

Hi
Ok,this is a bit of a rant. I’ve been with my chap for nearly 20 years. Loads has been great however so much has been scared by memories of physical abuse years ago when he used to hit me. I haven’t ever really expressed to him fully my feelings on it but now something in my has literally tipped where I feel like , ‘hell no!” , so am internally angry, upset and am so not bothered about us anymore. My memory is too good! He still shouts constantly and I’ve had enough , said that for years. Just don’t know how to put words in my mouth and talk to him, apparently he’s drinking as he’s unhappy and it’s pretty much my fault, as he’s tried and I’ve done nothing…partially true but I’ve also been miss meek two steps behind for years and now I’m so not!! Had to rant, my mates, family are sick of hearing sane old stuff, I’m disgusted in how he shouts at me in front of our child, literally. It’s wrong, he knows it too but doesn’t stop. I’ve spoken to women’s aid type places when it was physical and I know the drill, why can’t I just leave, I do feel bad, I’ve lied, had secrets , don’t talk , mainly to him about him so I get why he’s upset, but how to say it’s really down to your behaviour !! Am I literally passing blame here… I don’t like how I am, it’s not right, I know that.
had to just express. Thanks

I think it would be helpful if you start a new thread for advice and comments Means.

People will get confused and comment on the original thread/poster.

Anyway he "used to hit" you and still verbally abuses you. Getting out sounds like the best option. Your anger at him hitting you is entirely understandable, your instincts are trying to do right by you.

Opaljewel · 12/03/2023 11:46

I don't want to pile in but remember you have a choice to be in this situation, your children do not.

If your husband wanted to change he would. Nothing you can do to make someone change who does not want to. The only thing you can change is you and your situation. Make preparations to leave and to move somewhere where your children can actually be at peace and breathe. You owe it to them.

Meandmyheaf · 12/03/2023 21:27

Xx

Meandmyheaf · 12/03/2023 21:28

I know.

Meandmyheaf · 12/03/2023 21:38

Thanks for the message. Honestly I just needed a rant and didn’t really read properly how to post. I appreciate your reply.

OliveToboogie · 12/03/2023 21:38

He sounds a right Dick sorry. Bet he doesn't shout abuse at his boss or work mates. Pull on your big girl pants and leave this bully.

fetchacloth · 12/03/2023 22:07

OP I was married to a man like this for 12 years. The whole experience destroyed my confidence and I became a nervous wreck. I divorced him in the end as I couldn't stand it any more.
No marriage is worth that amount of stress.

Zerrin13 · 12/03/2023 22:21

I grew up with a Father just like this. As I grew older, I started standing up to him. I absolutely despised everything about him and thought he was a vile bully. He would call me the most disgusting names. I just couldn't understand how a man could be so cruel to their own child. My Mum was an utter wimp who who do anything to save her own skin. She never once defended us. He still bullied her relentlessly aswell. He was just a horrible horrible man. OP I just wanted to tell you that I'm no contact with both of them. They were both as bad as each other and I won't be seeing either of them ever again. Your children won't be young forever. They will develop critical thinking and start asking why you let him treat them so badly

BrookeAmber · 23/05/2023 10:53

I’m sorry but a lot of these replies don’t get it. You think it’s so easy to leave it’s not. My husband is the same way. They make it so hard to leave that you can’t. They control the finances so you can’t save. You can’t work because they won’t let you. My whole house is constantly screamed at. The man here is controlling the whole houses emotions. Constantly wakes everyone up because his favorite time to scream is early morning. I’d love to go to a shelter lol but then what? Leave all my dogs and pets and no they don’t take animals too. Not here anyway. I wish more would show this poster compassion not shame her. Thats a lot of these replies. You have no idea. This is why woman stay smh.

monsteramunch · 23/05/2023 13:11

BrookeAmber · 23/05/2023 10:53

I’m sorry but a lot of these replies don’t get it. You think it’s so easy to leave it’s not. My husband is the same way. They make it so hard to leave that you can’t. They control the finances so you can’t save. You can’t work because they won’t let you. My whole house is constantly screamed at. The man here is controlling the whole houses emotions. Constantly wakes everyone up because his favorite time to scream is early morning. I’d love to go to a shelter lol but then what? Leave all my dogs and pets and no they don’t take animals too. Not here anyway. I wish more would show this poster compassion not shame her. Thats a lot of these replies. You have no idea. This is why woman stay smh.

I'm really sorry that you're being abused, he sounds horrific.

Are there children living in your home?