Husband always shouting and swearing at me

[Mama133]

I've been married for 15 years and have 2 children, 9 and 14. My husband has a bad temper and goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. He is the same with the kids. He is not violent at all. I don't like the way he talks to me and its starting to make me miserable. He will shout and swear at me in the street and when I tell him it's embarrassing and at least wait until we get in the house but he doesn't care. The things he gets wound up about are minor things like someone leaving the fridge door ajar by accident or just anything really. Today I got in from work and accidently knocked his charging cable out and he just went off on one. He shouts and f's and goes ballistic over nothing in my eyes... he says we wind him up. He also calls us names most commonly donkey or idiot in general conversation. I'm a very forgiving person and mostly the next day it will just be forgotten and he will be back to normal - until the next time. He's getting worse. I wonder why we are even married, he spends his weekends at golf and then we do do things together as a family in the afternoon but I have to be the one to arrange it. He wouldn't dream of asking me to go somewhere to spend time together and we hardly talk. I've thought about leaving many times but then things are ok again and I forget about it. Is this just life or do you think we have problems. Advice appreciated.

You need to leave. It will not get any better. Protect your children.

He’s in a high stress crisis and needs a wake up call

letting this continue will be more and more toxic

the reason he blows up seemingly over nothing is because he’s incredibly stressed inside and maybe constantly in fight or flight

if you tell him you need a break because of this and explain why he will either change or run, one of which needs to happen

for me it was the former but i I m 100% sure without that wake up call we would have been divorced with a wake of utter destruction behind us and our child’s life in tatters as well as north or mental health

I've been with my partner over 15 years and he's never called me a negative name.

It's not normal. It's abusive.

You deserve so much more.

I pity children with mothers like this. My mum was the same. More concerned about judgement from neighbours or friends instead of the mental well-being of her children. I think we all know OP isn’t going to leave him. Poor kids

Thanks for all your comments. My family aren't desperate for me to leave him.

I would think your children are desperate for you to leave him; they're also living with your and in turn their abuser too. I would also think your parents and your abusive husband share a lot of characteristics too.

"My mother brought me up to believe you stayed in a marriage for the sake of the kids and neither of my parents are interested in problems".

I'm sure she did and this pervasive and damaging attitude is also what is keeping you with your abuser now. I was wondering what your parents taught you about relationships and indeed they taught you a shedload of damaging lessons. Lessons that will now be passed onto your kids for them to potentially emulate themselves in their own relationships so the abuse cycle continues.

"I wouldn't have anywhere to go. We have a nice life albeit financially and my husband works hard to support the family as do I".

I presume you have not sought any form of legal advice re divorce so this, "will have nowhere to go" argument holds no water.

Money and material things does not in any way make up for the fact that your house is akin to a warzone emotionally. Its not your fault nor theirs that their dad has embarked on his own private based war against you and in turn your kids.

" The kids do love him and I don't feel are scared of him it's become normality for them now which I agree with you all is very sad".

But you've still got the blinkers on and you are not prepared really to take decisive action for your own self and in turn your kids. You say you do not feel scared of him; I would think otherwise but its likely too you've become inured to his abuses of you. Your kids see and hear far more than either of you care to realise. Also denial is a powerful force and you have this in spades. Your kids have had to learn fast to be both compliant and quiet in and around their abusive father; they do not love him so much as fear him and his ever changing moods.
One day your children will leave home, what then for you?. Your own relationship with both children as adults in particular is very much at risk now if you remain with your abuser; they will in all likelihood leave home sooner rather than later and you will not see either of them very much if at all once they've left. They will not want to see either of you and they will hate you in particular for being so weak.

"I just want him to treat us decently. Someone said he neither likes me or loves me and that is how I feel although he says otherwise".

What you want and what you have and will continue to receive are two very different things.

He will never treat any of you decently; he does not want to and he's also doing this because he can. Words are cheap OP and you've fallen for those from him long enough. Actions also speak louder than words; look at his actions.

You still have a choice, even now, re this man. Make better ones than the ones you have done up till now re him. There is help available out there to people just like you; you however will need to be brave and take the first step out of this on your own. In the longer term too I would urge you to get therapy to unravel and unpick the crap lessons your parents taught you about relationships when you were growing up.

Unacceptable

Sometimes husband gets angry due to workpressure and other things. But your husbands shouting and swearing you always will makes more stress in your daily life. So better to calm down him or else you should calm down for few days. I hope one day your husband will understanding your feelings.

For another point of view regarding how your child grows up, as a younger teen my DD had a BF whose dad treated the family like this. Stressful job, short fuse etc. My DD was aware because the BF confided in her but she also heard it while she was at the house. I kept a close eye on the relationship and spoke to my DD regularly. As the relationship (albeit young and immature teen romance) progressed the BF became more needy, possessive in the extreme, and yes...shouty when DD didn't comply. She ended it and it took the BF a long time to accept it - think abusive messages, constant guilt. Do you really want your DC having this role model?

I know of someone who did this to an old friend of mine. Thankfully they're not together now but it took years.

The shouting at her in the street, in public, was the first occasion she told me. It would be over something minor, she'd said the wrong thing, she disagreed with him, and it would set him off. I think it was to shut her down and a warning as to what he'd do in future if she didn't comply.

She's quiet and introverted and the public humiliation was too much for her. He'd regularly call her a bitch with the least provocation.

She'd sometimes sit after one of his rants and go over what she'd said to cause it. She knew she wasn't responsible but upset she'd triggered it as she'd become good at avoiding doing that. She worried if she ever broke something, as if he did it it would be fine, but he would rant and rage if she did.

Long! But the short answer is that it is abuse, plain and simple. He will not change. You would be better off leaving than treading on eggshells constantly.

My DP is similar. I happened to mention it to my GP and she told me it was domestic abuse and put me in touch with Women's Aid and another local group. I need to leave but don't know how.

I've just read the thread and don't think she is.
My friend took years to leave her husband... it's an abusive situation for the children to live in, and not ok.

Have you contacted womens aid like your GP suggested?

Do you have children?

Being in this environment is so damaging to you and so damaging to children if you have them, potentially setting them up for a lifetime of abusive relationships if you don't show them this is unacceptable by leaving him.

What's preventing you leaving @dizzydizzydizzy if you don't mind my asking? I hope that doesn't come across as rude.

You don’t treat people you live like that.

have you considered that he is lying, and that he is staying with you out of frustrated convenience. (Too).

You need to be less worried about who else hears you son been abused and more concerned about stopping the abuse.

@constantias I don't mind you asking.

It's mainly practical reasons that are making me hesitate. For example.... Where would I live? I have enough money to rent for a few years so wouldn't qualify for any financial help. But what would happen when the money runs out? I can only work part time due to a chronic health condition.

What about my children? They are young adults. Do I leave them with their abusive father? I can't afford to house them.

@dizzydizzydizzy Have you spoken to Wonen’s Aid about this?

You need to be less worried about who else hears you son been abused and more concerned about stopping the abuse

This!

He's nine. Nine.

Poor little boy getting shouted and sworn at by a grown man.

And people being more worried about who hears rather than the fact he's being abused.

Jesus.

Normal loving husbands in normal loving relationships do not behave this way. sure they might lose their temper once in a blue moon over something major, but would apologise afterwards and that would be that. who gives a damn what your family think. are they the ones having to deal with this 24/7? This is not going to get better so you have just the 2 choices. stay there, shut up and put up with it knowing it will damage your children or leave. no one can do it for you but if you stay then what a waste of your life this really is.

Yes. Also another similar organization and a solicitor. I'm about to make an appointment with CAB to talk through the financial issues

dizzydizzydizzy

re your comment
"I'm about to make an appointment with CAB to talk through the financial issues"

It may well be an idea to instead talk to a Solicitor about this as they may not be able to fully advise you here.

And please never leave them with their abusive father (are you married to this man?). They need to be with you anyway as the non abuser parent.

You have no clue how damaging this is to your poor children! I was that child being screamed at my entire childhood by my abusive father from babyhood on. My grandparents were aware and did nothing. My siblings and I all have anxiety disorders manifested in many ways. I have so much rage directed at my father and equally as much towards my mother for staying with him along with all the relatives who knew about it. I don't have an authentic relationship with my mother and I keep my parents at an emotional and physical distance from me along with my spouse and son

Poor you and poor children. Is this how you them to see how relationships work? You have nowhere to go but you work and are financially comfortable? Are you just going to let this rumble on?

He is the same with the kids.

He also calls us names most commonly donkey or idiot in general conversation.

Your thread title doesn't mention your children and these were the only two mentions of them in your whole first post.

Your children are being abused. Your later posts reveal this is happening often and even in public.

Why are they not your priority even on the thread? Your thread title should be 'husband is always shouting and swearing at me and my kids'

Your children currently have unhappy lives, they go to bed feeling sad, wake up feeling anxious and spend their days walking on eggshells trying not to say anything that will increase the level of abuse they are already suffering.

At just nine years old they are shouted at and sworn at by a grown man far bigger, stronger and louder than them. Other adults present don't intervene. Their mum's priority is to move the abuse to behind closer doors, not to leave their abuser.

They will feel utterly unsupported, hopeless and frightened. Live in a constant state of fight or flight anxiety. They know their mum wants to keep up appearances more than she wants to protect them. That she shares a bed with their abuser.

Summer holidays are fucking miserable when you grow up in a family like this. School is a solace, if you're lucky enough to enjoy it and not get bullied.

They can't even tell their teachers what is going on now term time is over for another month.

If you don't put them first and remove them from this abusive environment, I hope that's the first thing they do when they go back to school.