Why did I look - I have opened pandora's box.

[KaySamuels]

Looked at DP's history on the computer tonight and really wisj I hadn't.

He is registered on an amateur porn site, he has picks of himself, a different email account, has been posting and reading messages. In his profile says he is bi seeking a bloke.

Feel sick and don't know what to do.
Couldn't be bothered to name change but really think I should. Keep looking at ds asleep on the sofa and just want to cry.

He has done something very simialr before and I buried my head in the sand. Feel such a fool.

I get the feeling that even if you made everything 'bloody fantastic' again, you might still be living with a ticking timebomb...i hope i'm wrong x

MrsMacaroon that is what I am scared of. I want everything to be great again but maybe I will still have this feeling of dread in me, waiting for my world to fall apart again.

Also being 'together' has become this huge thing in my head, if we work on this aspect of our relationship will I feel I am sacrificing my wants and needs (or lack of them) to please him and keep him satisfied??

He has been really brilliant, last night he cleaned the bath out, ran it for me, added candles and me a cuppa.

How do I know if he really does love me and want me, or is just scared of being on his own. I have all this doubt and it's killing me.

Glad to see he is trying to make it up to you.

I know you feel hurt and may consider you have no effort to make other than forgiving him.

But lack of intimacy is a very serious grievance. We women dismiss the fact that regular sexual activity is paramount to most men's happiness in a relationship.
(truth is it makes us feel great too, if only we'd bother!)

Do you feel ready to loosen up and get things spiced up in the bedroom? Because in the end, that's what the relate thing is going to come down to, isn't it?

Yes you are right slim. I miss that part too, the thread with our men's lines made me realise how similar most of our relationships are. We all want to be close and have a loving relationship wiht our partners. I miss that with DP just as much as he does, my fear comes from what he did about it.
My confidence was at an all time low anyway, i don't know if I have it in me tbh, wouldn't know where to start. How do we fix this?

Oh, I really feel for you.

I think you are handling this brilliantly. He should be very grateful to have someone open minded like you in his life.

A lot of us have been there as you noticed.
Not to the same dramatic extent maybe, but on the verge of collapse certainly until we realised the simple fact that having sex is healthy and makes us happy and feel more sexy etc etc....it's really a virtuous circle.

It took me about 3 years after having DS to fully come to that realisation and I assure you we are much happier now.

They just do not understand that maternity (and the workload involved) changes us. They wonder where that fun sexy partner went and want her back.
Well, hey, we want her back too!!
Well, i tell you what, they might not get that one back, but all men say it, when mature women get their mojo back, it's even better!

Oh KS iam so sorry just read all the thread This happened to my best friend , her husband worked from home one day he happened to be out and she did the pandora box and what a can of worms it turned out to be , lots of gay magazines , dvds , emails from men etc.....She confronted him he begged her forgivness said he was having a weak moment they went to counselling which helped as they have a young son but the trust never returned for her .Anyway they were together another five years then his father died suddenly and the night they found out he turned around and said Its over i am gay , i don't love you our relationship is a lie i can now be the person i truly am.She always says to me i should have never forgiven him i wasted 10years of my life on that but her boy is everything to her and she felt for him missing out on what she seemed a normal family life but it so wasn't ,she has remarried and is very happy .As for me well i am on dh no3 i won't put up with lies and decite and its definetly third time lucky for me !!! hope you don't mind me sharing my story but i really know through my friend the turmoil and heartache your going through best wishes and lots of love xxxx

ps you are amazingly strong !!

pps looked at your profile you are stunning and your boy is gorgeous he is a fool !

Kay - I have only just seen this and in the spirit of congruence I am not name changing either. This is my story and one which I hope won't appear too harsh.

My mum lived her whole married life with a gay man (my father), she didn't confront him until just before she died and he remained closeted.

Even if you stay with him and manage to reach an 'understanding' he will undoubtedly keep desiring other men, it's a preference that he can't help.
Do you really want to remain in a relationship where your needs are never truly met? You will always wonder what is going on.
My mum's biggest regret was not going it alone and finding true happiness.

Consequently we grew up not really understanding what real love was or what a happy marriage was and it has had repercussions on all our lives (my siblings and myself).

I would urge you to think about what YOU want for your son and yourself for the future.

However, you have a right to a financial settlement from him and so please do not leave the house until you have seen a solicitor - he has a duty to provide for your son as he presumably knew what his predilections were even before he met you so he has not been honest with you from the beginning.

Keep posting and drawing support from everyone here - there are many good pieces of advice to listen to but only you can decide what is right for you.

FWIW my Dad is still in the closet, even though he is openly living with another man now (a lodger, don't you know ) so all he achieved was stopping my lovely mum from knowing what true love was and having a fulfilling sexual and affectionate relationship and screwing his children up for any future relationships (although I am trying my best now).

Much love and oodles of support for whatever you decide to do.

those 2 posts are very honest. I agree with them as I said in my first posts.
Really hope things can work out, but they are right at this stage, you have to keep an open mind.

Before you start relate, be very blunt with him: you can give him a chance but he better be watching his back because you'll crucify him if he fakes it.

He's straight and with you or he's not. There's no "I'm going to relate to try to find out who I am". That he can do on his own and let you get on with your life.

XXX

KaySamuels- I think Wisteria summed it up beautifully there... it's worth pointing out though that he may not be gay, but be bisexual and therefore be able to commit and be faithful to a woman BUT (and I think this is the crux of the matter) to get to the point where you could accept this is who he is and move forward, he would absolutely have to be totally upfront and honest about it. His behaviour and explanations behind posting his picture etc suggest that he's in denial about his sexuality.
My husband would classify himself and straight but when he was younger (teens) had a brief liason with another man. He has always been very upfront about this and it came out (excuse the pun) in conversation not long after we got together...Besides being weirdly jealous of him that he had the confidence to experiment, I've never doubted his sexuality- mainly because he was so honest about it in the first place. I think most people have either thought about it or had some kind of encounter with someone of the same sex but it's a very different story when you're initiating and exploring this whilst in a committed relationship. His response to being found out has added another hurdle (ie that he's possibly lying to himself as well as you). I would worry that he can't sort this out while he's in a relationship with anyone and even of he did decide that he's bisexual and wants to continue your relationship- could you trust him not to be tempted to explore this...? I think counseling is a good idea as long as you're not kidding yourself about the seriousness of the issue...I think analysing your relationship and where it's gone wrong is a red herring- you could have the most amazing relationship (which is unrealistic- all relationships have rough patches but nothing justifies what he did) and you would still have a massive problem. I think you know this though...x

Oh god these posts have slammed me back down to earth after we had a great night last night. Am I just kidding myself????

Am tempted to show DP this thread, but something stops me.

Kay, we are just trying to be realistic here.

It's absolutely fantastic if you can be upbeat and you two make efforts to seduce each other and get the sparkle going. Maybe exciting sex with you is all he needs.
It's worth trying. Worth exploring to see how far you can go too. If that's really going to be it.

I'm certainly no expert, but if you tell him clearly that you are game and ready to explore a bit, he might be more enclined to open up and share what's eating at him.......or realise that well he definitely wants to go to the other side of the mirror.

thinking of you.

Don't show him the thread keep it as your place to go!! You won't gain anything by it ,let us be here for you supporting you and the decisions you make

I agree- I suspect you'll gain nothing from showing him this thread and you may lose the opportunity to express your honest feelings about this. I think the best advise you can get is to listen to your instincts... we don't know either of you so you know best what you want and need from a relationship. Remember- you have needs too! Don't sacrifice yourself to make someone else happy and don't accept dishonesty or denial (or make excuses for him)- you're worth more than that. I hope you don't feel though that if you decide to stay and work at it that anyone would judge you for it- if that's what you think is best for you and your family.

this thread is for you and you alone x

Thanks everyone, I think what we have is worth giving it one last shot for, and we are now both wholeheartedly trying to make it work. No doubt I will be on here regularly to think 'outloud' and I hope you will continue to be here for me.
x

Hi Kay,

I have just seen this and wanted to add my support. You are a very brave woman to be trying to work things out for the sake of your wee boy.

I hope that the councelling can help and that you can get throught this.

Kay you are incredible; what you have must be worth saving if you can countenance moving forward.

I really hope it works out for you but don't compromise too much for the sake of your ds as it may not be the best thing for him if you are left wanting.

Yes bi-sexual individuals can live happy lives in married relationships; I know 2 couples where this is the case and it works well. The only difference is that they are open and honest about their feelings, talk and communicate constantly and in one the wife has accepted that her dh will always experiment elsewhere but trusts him to be 'careful'. In the other, they are beautifully in love in a gay relationship and very happy, completely faithful to each other.

He needs to be honest with you both during and after therapy. Trust and honesty is paramount if this is going to work.

I sincerely wish you all the best and hope it works out as you want it to. I am sure I speak for everyone on this thread when I say we will still be here whenever you need support or just want to talk things through.

Well said WISTERIA i agree wholeheartedly, we will be here to support you i wish you lots of luck xx

Wish you the best.

Just so your pics, your are both young and gorgeous, find the fun in your relationship and be open about how you feel.

We'll be here to talk if you need an ego boost from time to time.

XXX

The best of luck with everything! All you can do is do YOUR best (which you are already I think, by going to counselling, being open and honest and trying to understand) and hope he does the same too...I agree with Wisteria about not compromising yourself in the process- doing your best means doing your best for YOU (and your son obviously). Don't get trapped into worrying about how HE feels so much that you ignore your own needs. He's a lucky man. x

Thanks

I just read this for the first time and have shed alittle tear for you all.

Men are such ar***es at times!

I'm glad to hear that some of us have made things work, some have gone on to better things. DP has had a history of 'cheating' I use the term loosely as with a pro on a friends stag do, coming home with girls numbers (I have no proof he actually did anything but in my eyes the intent was there), visiting porn/escort sites and been out with a few (that I have found out about). Over time my self esteem has been worn down and now feel i'm stuck here, like you its his house and stuff. Sometimes he makes me feel like I imagine it all.

Don't get like that! Don't start to believe you aren't fullfilling his needs, what about yours.

I think you are very strong and brave and doing whats best for your DS. He is very lucky to have a mum like you and your DP so lucky to have you being so understanding.

Oh pol27 don't let the fact that it's his house stop you, our house is in DP's name and I would walk out of it in a heartbeat if it was what I decided was best. It is bricks and mortar and 'stuff' - none of it equates to happiness.

Neither of our needs have been being fulfilled and we are working on it together. We have a lot of love in our household and I think it is worth us battling together for. We have set a date to reassess though, and if things aren't working out I will be leaving. In a way I am glad things have come to a head like this - it has given us a wake up call to reassess each other and what we want and deserve. Things are feeling positive here at the moment and I hope they continue that way.