Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did I look - I have opened pandora's box.

158 replies

KaySamuels · 18/01/2008 23:32

Looked at DP's history on the computer tonight and really wisj I hadn't.

He is registered on an amateur porn site, he has picks of himself, a different email account, has been posting and reading messages. In his profile says he is bi seeking a bloke.

Feel sick and don't know what to do.
Couldn't be bothered to name change but really think I should. Keep looking at ds asleep on the sofa and just want to cry.

He has done something very simialr before and I buried my head in the sand. Feel such a fool.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 19/01/2008 00:20

True enough! Its your call.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:20

Whoosh I am already questioning myself what have I done wrong, am I a hideous girlfriend etc.

Glad things got better for you hope they can for me too.

OP posts:
Jackstini · 19/01/2008 00:20

Maybe print this off and show him? Or write it down. That way you will not worry about breaking down before you get the message across.
Don't feel embarrassed - you can see from just a few minutes on this threads you are not the only one it has happened to (bless you Whoosh for being so honest) None of this is your fault x

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:22

Ok I am going to go and try to get some sleep. (Don't sleep well at the best of times.) So glad I picked up my ADs today, almost didn't bother.

Thanks all, will check back in the morning. x

OP posts:
Jackstini · 19/01/2008 00:25

Will check back with you K - sleep tight

MaureenMLove · 19/01/2008 00:25

Night love. Sorry I didn't have anything to add, but everyone else has given you food for thought, I couldn't have said anymore tbh. You know where we all are.

clam · 19/01/2008 00:27

Goodnight! Was thinking I had some stuff going on to stop me sleeping (hence surfing on here) but now I'll be thinking about you as well. Good luck in the morning.

Whooosh · 19/01/2008 00:31

Can't pretend it was easy but the "betrayal" was probably at the same level as yours ie not all the way but a flattering/needy/ego boost thing.Fortunately my feminine instinct kicked in and then the tough talking and working at it started.
It really wasn't easy but you do have to weigh up how much you value the relationship (on all fronts),are there things you can do to make it better and do you want to make it better?
God I feel for you -thi swas me (under a namechange a year ago and I have never been so low)

lulumama · 19/01/2008 11:08

hope you got some sleep. have you talked to DP at all?

YeahBut · 19/01/2008 11:17

You haven't done anything, KS.
If he is bi-sexual or gay, he may be finding it hard to admit that to himself, especially if he has always viewed himself as a heterosexual. He definitely needs to sort his head out though. Trawling the internet for partners is not a particularly safe way to come to terms with one's sexual preferences.
He needs to talk to you about it though and not fob you off. And with a child to consider, I would definitely STAY exactly where you are for the time being. If he needs space to work things out, he needs to go and find it. Your ds needs a roof over his head and stability.

MuthaHubbard · 19/01/2008 11:52

(((hug))) Am totally for you.

Understandably your head is bound to be all over the place, as would anyone else be and as you would receiving any other shocking news.

Don't make any rash decisions, as the other wise mnetters have said.

But what you do need to do is talk. You need to know if it's just a fantasy and flirting online to boost his ego. Or has he taken it further? Does he want to take it further? Yeah you may get emotional but that may help him see that what he is doing is hurting you.

You need to know if he's slept with anyone else for your health, if nothing else.

Please don't see yourself as a failure as a girlfriend. Don't mean to sound harsh but if this is how he is, there would be nothing anyone can do to change it (as in those who are gay/bisexual are made that way and nothing anyone can do can change that).

But he needs to admit it to himself and stop hurting other people.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 09:14

Well we have had a talk but I still don't know how I feel. He pretty much said our relationship is shit and is not enough for him.

I suggested relate and he said we didn't need it. I have asked them to send me an information pack though and if he wants me to stay we will be going.

He doesn't seem to understand how much this is hurting me, just makes me think he is selfish. Trust is a big thing for me and I don't want to be feeling I have to check what he is doing online or worrying he wants to be elsewhere.

We have had youngest dss here since first thing saturday morning so it has been hard to talk properly.

OP posts:
LoveAngel · 20/01/2008 09:41

Kay, I am going to be brutally honest with you - it sounds like your husband is either bisexual or gay and in the closet, and his behaviour (the porn sites; leaving himself open to being caught out not once but twice; turning it on you and saying you aren't enough for him etc) is classic of someone struggling with their own sexuality and in serious denial. He is blaming you, and that is completely wrong, but unfortunately, very common in this situation. Your husband has obviously got his head buried firmly in the sand, but I think the best thing you can do is to face up to the reality of the situation, as painful as it may be {sad]. If you let him off the hook - let him blame you - then you he will stay in complete denial and trust me, he will do this again and again.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 09:51

That is what I'm afraid of LoveAngel, he will not answer me straight when I ask him if he is bi. Even though he has put it on this website.

He said he does it for the compliments.

My head is all over the place,, one minute I want to scream at him and attack him for putting me through this, the next I am so sad and scared about it all.

Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 09:52

I do feel like he has said I would have to change everything about myself for him to be happy with me. I think it really shitty of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 09:55

I appreciate your honesty by the way loveangel - tbh it is what I need right now and I don't think I am getting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 10:11

In a weird way I am glad I started this thread in my talkname because now I can't ignore it.

OP posts:
lulumama · 20/01/2008 10:15

kay

he says you are not enough, that your relationship is crap, but he does not want to make any effort to change it.. he does put himself on the internet looking for sexual compliments from other men and women, and refuses to discuss his sexuality with you

you are worth far more than the half measures he is giving you

Shaniece · 20/01/2008 10:20

I don't think I could continue my marriage knowing DH is bi sexual or gay, but thats just me..

Sounds like you are one wanting to sort things out not him. I would contact CAB tomorrow and find out where you stand financially and move on with your life.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 10:23

You are both right but my self esteem is so low I almost believe him.

Oh and also he has not been seeking women's compliments has he - just men's.

My sister has seen this thread and told me to come round for lunch/the day, so will come back on later.

OP posts:
lulumama · 20/01/2008 10:27

oh kay... had a look at your profile, you are really very beautiful, with a gorgeous DS and i know you work so hard to be a fab childminder.. you do not deserve this , not at all... have a nice day with your sister, and hopefully you will start to feel a bit stronger x

aelita · 20/01/2008 10:28

Poor, poor you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have a little first-hand knowledge, as I had a disastrous relationship with a boy I adored who was supposed to be bi, but we both really, ultimately, knew was gay. Luckily for me, there were no children involved. I confess I have some sympathy for your DP as well because I've seen first-hand the confusion & unhappiness any level of denial can cause the man in question (boyfriend ended up having a complete breakdown which was heartbreaking to watch). And your DP does appear to be deeply in denial. It doesn't really excuse the hurt he's causing you, but we know people are selfish. He can't help what he is, but he needs to be honest with you and himself as to exactly what he is to find any way forward, doesn't he? There must be a few UK support groups out there for women in your situation. There's a site called gayhusbands.com which is American, but can give you direct counselling. Hope it's helpful. Be strong love and I hope things get better for you soon.

Tortington · 20/01/2008 10:34

i think that sexuality isn't the key here - although a big upset of course

it mattes not what sexuality is involved - if he wasn't gay but was advertising himself on a website - would that be ok?

it wouldnt for me. - not insurmountable providing both parties want to make a go of it.

the point of a relationship is trust in the other person. - would he mind if you signed upwith match dot come to find your perfect partner? or would he be hurt?

internet flirting isn' something i would accept although on its own it sounds a mall thing but put that together with the ebbing away of confidence, trust, self esteem and respect and your kinda touching on everything a marriage is made of its not just a website

mankyscotslass · 20/01/2008 10:40

Many years ago, I found some gay literature and videos when I was with my first H. He point blank denied it, said the issue was in my head, it wasn't a problem. I brushed it under carpet, ignored it, til I found some really hardcore porn, and this coincided with him deciding to stay out all night with "friends". I kicked him out. To this day he has never admitted to me he was gay or bi, but he is now living an openly gay life in another country (as far as I know). I know realise that he is an emotional coward and wanted me to find out so I could make his decision for him, and he could abdicate all responsibility for it.
I suppose in a lot of ways I was niave...all the signs were there the whole way along, but I was an osterich at the time.
And my situation was different because there were no kids involved.
TBH, I think things would have just gone on getting worse if I had not taken action, he could not help who he was, even if he could not admit it to me or himself and family.
I hope you find a way through this.

dooley1 · 20/01/2008 10:43

I agree with Custy.
For me it's not so much what he has done but his attitude to it when you brought it up.
Does he want to make a go of things? Was he at all apologetic and understanding of how you feel? If not then that shows a lack of respect for you and care/love for you