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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why did I look - I have opened pandora's box.

158 replies

KaySamuels · 18/01/2008 23:32

Looked at DP's history on the computer tonight and really wisj I hadn't.

He is registered on an amateur porn site, he has picks of himself, a different email account, has been posting and reading messages. In his profile says he is bi seeking a bloke.

Feel sick and don't know what to do.
Couldn't be bothered to name change but really think I should. Keep looking at ds asleep on the sofa and just want to cry.

He has done something very simialr before and I buried my head in the sand. Feel such a fool.

OP posts:

redadmiral · 21/01/2008 12:14

As usual, having thought it through, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. There is a chance that he is just curious about his sexuality. Also, a gay friend of mine used to say that most of the straight men he knew would confess to a gay encounter at some point or other(!) (I'm not sure that tallies with most of the straight men I know.)

I really hope it works out ok. At this point you must still be in shock. Think waiting till April is a great idea.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 21/01/2008 13:53

My head is all over the place, can hardly look at DP, feel like we are strangers and I am so . We have been together over 6 years.

Am I just kidding myself trying relate? I do need this timeframe though. Ds at nursery and DP just gone out, (not working today) as soon as he went out of the door I burst into tears! Glad I happen to have day off tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

KaySamuels · 21/01/2008 13:54

grrlscout - your post contains a lot of things that I have swimming around in my head. One moment I think I am doing the right thing, but a big part of me just wants to walk away.

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bossybritches · 21/01/2008 14:11

oh KS I bet you are in a muddle who wouldn't be????

I think you are very wise taking your time to sort this out. It's a BIG step & you need to explore all the possibilities before you jump. If you can find a way to move forward whether together or apart it needs to be kept as amicable as humanly possible for all your sakes.

Not sure if you're into them but lots of (((cyber-hugs))))

Gl;ad you've got today off.

mankyscotslass · 21/01/2008 14:33

KS, will be thinking of you. I recognise all of your feelings as ones I had.
Although I kicked H out, I never got resolution, iyswim? He never dealt with his issues, just upped sticks and left the country, arrived in a new place and started a new life the way he wanted. He never faced up to the mess he left or admitted his sexuality to anyone from his "old" life, just moved on with the new.
So I think you are doing a great thing for you both by having counselling, and I hope you get the resolution I never got. Good luck.

Jackstini · 21/01/2008 14:36

No I don't think you are kidding yourself K, I think your timeframe and plans are well thought out.
Whatever your final destination ends up as, you are taking the right journey to get there.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 21/01/2008 14:39

I didn't want this for my little boy.

I feel so with dp for what he has done. Not sure we can get through this.

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Jackstini · 21/01/2008 14:43

Nobody wants this for you but you will get through it K, you and your little boy. You are bound to be all over the place but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. There will be things you learn from this situation that, later in life, you will recognise you have put to good use.
Start by seeing how things go at Relate and take it slowly from there.

Grrlscout · 21/01/2008 15:08

Aw, KS, have another virtual hug from me if you want one. Take time, let things go at the pace you need them to go. It's all very fresh right now and I'd think its normal to be questioning everything, including your own judgement.

I doubt much that he was actively deceiving you that he was bi as much as he probably sees his fantasies as being something private that might be hurtful to you. He also might be gay and closeted, who knows? Go to counselling and find out.

Whatever you do, don't doubt yourself. You're doing the right thing for your son in trying to work things out with his dad. It may or may not work out, but but at least you're trying.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 21/01/2008 18:16

I think your relationship will only survive long term if it is what both of you want, and your partner is honest with himself as well as you.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 26/01/2008 10:21

Hey everyone, well I have sent off our application to relate, can only go saturday mornings so been told we may need to wait to get booked in.

I am part hopeful part dubious. Can a person really change? Don't know if we can get our spark back or my trust in him.

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charliecat · 26/01/2008 10:28

At least you will know that you tried, even if it doesnt work out.
How have the past few days been?

Raffaella · 26/01/2008 10:32

Have nothing useful to add to the good advice that's been given here. Just wanted to add my support. So sorry. What a horrible situation

Original poster

KaySamuels · 26/01/2008 10:38

They have been ok, we have been talking more, we have both written down some goals we would like (for example spend more time together just us) and promises/aims for things we both think we need to do to improve our relationship.

There is a lot of love between us, but we have drifted apart and are finding it hard to get back to each other. I hope we can make it. DP know I am serious about going though if things don't work out. Our house feels sad and subdued at the mo.

Thanks again all of you for being here for me. x

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charliecat · 26/01/2008 10:46

Its great that you have been talking and trying to move forward

You mention you wanting him to change, what do you mean by that?
Is the sexuality thing going to be brushed under the carpet till next time or are you going to try and get to the bottom of whatever it is hes into?

Original poster

KaySamuels · 26/01/2008 18:52

I meant more our other behaviours, regardless of if he is bi or not we have been pushing each other away and drifting apart for quite a while now and that needs to change.

I do think he is bi (we will be discussing this further at relate along with other things), he has said he is not attracted to other men but did it for the ego boost and attention. Pathetic but also understandable even though I feel let down and hurt, things haven't been right between us for a while and this has shocked us into realising it. I push him away and he has retreated, I have PND still and have only recently been put on ADs which were very slowly heping.

We have had a lot of knocks since we had ds and it's been a hard few years for us with redundancies and family stresses. I do not think he would ever physically cheat on me, as I said earlier we do both love each other so much, we are the 'solid' couple who never argue so our friends and family are shocked we have been arguing. This was more to do with the emotional (and sexual) distance that had grown between us IMO.

Things have got so bad we are at make or break time here. I am pleased we are going to relate, we would go back to brushing things under the carpet if we didn't. This way we can hopefully tackle our problems head on.

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wannabesomeoneelse · 26/01/2008 20:14

I was a bit scared when I read this. This happened to me - exactly the same apart from my DP met up with some of the men. I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

I told no-one, so have changed my name for this post.

We have got through it, but I will say it was hard, and we have had a rough year. I locked the internet so only I can get on it, and we joined everything accounts etc so I could learn to trust him again.

I am so sorry, I know I was so mixed up, I haev been with my DP for 8 years. However things are starting to look up we talk more now, and I was willing to give the realtionship a second chance (maybe I am niave??) Time will tell.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 27/01/2008 13:34

Thanks wannabe it's good to know I am not the only one this has happened to. Poor thing bet you felt so scared with a baby on the way. I think you are very brave for posting so thankyou, and I'm glad things are getting better for you.

We had stopped talking too, regardless of if dp is bi I know I am all he wants, and I know he loves me. I coudn't continue without an agreement on going to relate though, as I want us to be more open and honest and we will need help with this as we are not good at communicating. I hope it helps.

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NKF · 27/01/2008 13:38

Call a lawyer. He says your relationship is shit, you have children and only his name is on the mortgage. Get some advice.

NKF · 27/01/2008 13:38

Call a lawyer. He says your relationship is shit, you have children and only his name is on the mortgage. Get some advice.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 27/01/2008 13:48

Why would I need a lawyer?? If we were to split up I would take my possesions and private rent. I would be financially slightly better off and would have just me and DS to think of. TBH it is sometimes more tempting than the challenge of working things out.

PS Our relationship is shit atm, it was harsh to say it, but also true and we are working at making it better together.

I do appreciate you're thinking of me though.
x

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NKF · 27/01/2008 13:49

Is he working at making it better? Or just you?

Original poster

KaySamuels · 27/01/2008 14:03

He is doing more work than me.
I am still hurt and angry and am continually making it clear to him that if we can't get things back to how they used to be (bloody fantastic), that I will be leaving him. He has been making a huge effort and I am hoping that relate will spur things on even more. I am being very honest with my thoughts and feelings (something I don't do well), and we are trying to appreciate each other and be more affectionate (not sexually yet tho - am too hurt).

He is also well aware that I would manage regardless and he would not. He is shit with money and would be left with an empty house he couldn't pay for on his own.

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NKF · 27/01/2008 14:22

Good luck with everything.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 27/01/2008 14:31

Thanks we need it! Thanks for support btw, don't know what I would have done without mn throughout this.

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