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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did I look - I have opened pandora's box.

158 replies

KaySamuels · 18/01/2008 23:32

Looked at DP's history on the computer tonight and really wisj I hadn't.

He is registered on an amateur porn site, he has picks of himself, a different email account, has been posting and reading messages. In his profile says he is bi seeking a bloke.

Feel sick and don't know what to do.
Couldn't be bothered to name change but really think I should. Keep looking at ds asleep on the sofa and just want to cry.

He has done something very simialr before and I buried my head in the sand. Feel such a fool.

OP posts:
Shaniece · 20/01/2008 10:49

I think it must be worse finding out your partner is gay or being unfaithful with a gay person than it would if he was being unfaithful with a woman. I would be devastated.

Fireflyfairy2 · 20/01/2008 11:01

Oh pet, for me it wouldn't be the bi-sexual/gay thing that would be the main issue, though I admit it would be a huge part of it, 'cos be it a man, woman or a dog he is showing pics of himself to, that would be the end of it for me.

Swetheart, you are beautiful! Your gorgeous son deserves more than this... he deserves his dad to be fully there, not thinking of other things, saying you are not enough for him. God, he has a nerve.

You need to think about your own confidence, it can't stand being knocked about like this, I know mine wouldn't.

Best of luck trying to resolve it.

clam · 20/01/2008 11:03

And noone should expect you to change "everything" about yourself in order for them to be happy! How could you, anyway? And he'd only find something else to complain about. No, you're perfect as you are. If he doesn't like it, then one day you'll find someone else who does.

Fireflyfairy2 · 20/01/2008 11:07

Anyway, the issue isn't "Why did I look" the fact is, the pictures/website info shouldn't have been there for you to look at in the first place!!

mankyscotslass · 20/01/2008 11:15

I believe my H wanted it to be about me, not him, and in doing so took away every shred of confidence and belief I had in myself.
It took me years to get back on my feet, but I am proud of how I came through it eventually. And although I am still angry with him for his dishonesty and crap treatment of me, I know that I am a stronger person now because of the experience. The same will be true for you. It just takes time.
From what you say he does not believe your feelings or concerns are valid, and that for me is very telling. It sounds like he does not even want to try and come to an understanding and for me, I really could not live like that...although there are plenty of people who do.
Could you let him live a double life, and stay with him? If that is what he really wanted? And what about your feelings...will he just continue to trample over them?

mankyscotslass · 20/01/2008 11:17

FF, from my experience he probably wanted her to find the stuff on the computer, at least on some level.
Then it's all down to her...never mind the fact he is the one who looked at it

MuthaHubbard · 20/01/2008 15:08

To be he sounds like an amazingly selfish person and in denial as he's trying to turn it around to be your fault.

I am so and for you and hope you have plenty of RL support.

Whatever you decide to do, I think your main priority is the happiness of you and your son.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 15:42

He was not apologetic, said we don't have sex enough and our sex life doesn't cut the mustard. I gave him the chance to tell me and he didn't. It was very half hearted on his part and left me feeling worse.

I have been at my sister's writing down what is mine in the house. Am gonna try and talk again tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaySamuels · 20/01/2008 15:45

You are all right, thanks so much for your messages, I don't have many rl people I can rely on.

OP posts:
FlllightAttendant · 20/01/2008 15:58

Oh God, Kay I just saw this. You poor darling.
Take it slowly, don't rush into any decisions etc. You don't have to rush, just take it an hour at a time.

We are all here for you pet x

Fireflyfairy2 · 20/01/2008 19:21

How are you feeling now Kay? Have you had the chance to discuss things without his sons' there?

Thinking of you xx

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 20/01/2008 20:17

Kay I just wanted to say that he is doing the classic 'I've messed up but am going to turn this on her and make it feel like her fault I have behaved like this'.

You deserve so much better than this; I hope your sister is supporting you, but please take what you feel you need from us too. xxx

ineedapoo · 20/01/2008 20:21

Oh kay look you are young have a job you can do elsewhere. take your time to sort things out either way. Good luck

Jackstini · 21/01/2008 09:30

Kay, glad you have your sister to help you and to confide in.
To me it definitely sounds like he wants the relationship to end, but hasn't got the guts to tell you that so he is trying to make it impossible for you not to end it - nasty comments, refusing relate counselling, leaving websites for you to find. (If he really wanted those hidden - they would have been)
It is a very cowardly way out as doesn't want to face up to a lot of things at the moment - himself being one of them.
If dss has now left, hopefully you can find out legally where you stand and then have more of a conversation. So sorry this is happening to you

Original poster
KaySamuels · 21/01/2008 10:18

We had a good talk last night. I told him he is being a twat (used a lot of much worse words I won't put on here), told him I was seriously considering leaving and that I would be fine doing so.

He has agreed to go to relate and I have said if I am not happy after our holiday at the end of April I will be leaving. I have pointed out I could, I would have plenty and be fine financially - he would be up shit creek without a paddle. I feel I have to give us one last chance for our ds, but I would never stay together just for him. DP is going to have to seriously put the effort into us for this to work.

There is alot he would have to change to be honest, I guess we will have to see how we go from here. I'm so glad I have mn, thank you all so much. I really think I wil need you the next couple of months whether things work out or not.

Main reason I have given til april is I am in the middle of an nvq that I could have finished by then. I don't want to stop it (if I moved would have to) as it will open a lot of doors job wise.

God when did life get so complicated?

Be back on this afternoon. x

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 21/01/2008 10:27

Kay have just spotted this

Some really good advice already given to you.

You sound as though you are taking control back, well done.

You know where we are.

Jackstini · 21/01/2008 10:37

Well done Kay - sounds like you are being realistic and strong and making an informed decision on doing the best for you and ds. We will be here for you, however long it takes to sort out.

slim22 · 21/01/2008 10:46

Poor you!
I'm going to go a bit against the grain here, hope won't offend.
This is something that nags me. What if DH came out as gay, or with different/extreme sexual drive?
Always think I'd have to let go if I can not adjust.
A relationship goes both ways and people do change in life.

Personally think it's very wrong to stay just for the sake of the children. You want to make him change ( that is remain totally frustrated) & you are not considering discussing his fantasies and finding a medium way.
Totally understandable but bound to fail. Relate is not going to solve this. We tend to underestimate sexuality. For him it IS the issue. If you are not ready to explore that with him then yes,you are right about getting yourself together and thinking about the way out.
Take care

Original poster
KaySamuels · 21/01/2008 10:52

We are going to explore things through relate. Our relationship is very one sided with me doing an awful lot for him. His only complaint is sex.

I am giving it a shot for ds, I will not stay for him if no improvement. I know this does not a happy family make. If he works through this and comes out at least we will all know where we stand.

I agree about sexuality being huge, if he is straight we still need to wrk on things tbh. Maybe we will get through it, probably not, but I have to know I have tried.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 21/01/2008 10:55

The thing is Kay (& don't take this the wrong way) his complaint will always be sex, as if he is gay then he won't be wanting sex with a female!

I am glad that you have made a decision of sorts, given that he has done something like this before I think I would have legged it at the first hurdle.

I hope you can resolve things & that he can set your mind at ease regarding his sexuality.

redadmiral · 21/01/2008 11:16

So sorry to hear about this. I'm afraid I think he is almost certainly gay, and if so your relationship with him will have to change. I think he has behaved very badly, but as another poster said he is probably suffering too in a different way. He is obviously very unhappy about the idea of being gay.
I think the idea of relate is fantastic and hopefully will help you both. I think if you are doing anything for your son's sake it would be to maintain a decent relationship with his dad, whatever the terms.

All this is easy to say - one of my boyfriends had a relationship with a man after we split up and I was gutted - it feels so personal even if it isn't on their part.

slim22 · 21/01/2008 11:46

You sound like a very positive strong woman.
Wish you the best.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 21/01/2008 11:53

This has made me so sad.

Why do men treat their partners so badly and why do women always think it is up to them to sort the problem out?

KS, You sound like you have a good plan with the April thing and I hope whatever happens you and your child is okay.

Take care.

bossybritches · 21/01/2008 12:09

At least relate will help give you some impartial help in sorting out a way forward together or apart. YOu can have counselling together as a couple AND apart as individuals with your own seperate advisors so it might help him to confront his sexuality & learn to accept it without guilt if that is what the issue is.

Good luck KS -you are a strong lady & deserve better, keep comig back here to keep your spirits up!

Grrlscout · 21/01/2008 12:11

Good on you, KS! You're absolutely doing the right thing.

FYI, something to keep in mind when you talk to your partner about his sexuality. I have a good friend who is bisexual. She makes a point of being honest about it with people she dates, before they even get to the partner stage. It's something she thinks they should know about her so they can decide if they want to take things forward. She'd also have to possibly lie about the gender of her last partner to her current possible one if she wasn't honest about her sexuality, and she won't start relationships with lies.

He might well be bi, but more interested in fantasy than reality. Either way, he's with you and has agreed to work on the relationship and you've realised your own power as a strong woman. All of this is good.

Don't let him try and guilt you about the sex. Since when was it an obligation as his partner to be abslutely insatiable?